Slipping

[Roses]

I've been struggling to engage on here again and in real life things are slipping too. I finally have my PD Hub appt through so start that beginning of July but inside I am just feeling very low. Started having negative thoughts and sui thoughts coming back. The losing time thing is really bugging me and I'm just feeling very fragile and tearful. Struggling to go out and get on buses again and dreading this afternoon as it is sports day. I did manager about an hour of the school fair last Saturday but had to leave after that, not sure how this avo is going to pan out. Just feel so, so low and sad. But it says on my notes now that my dx has changed to recurrent depressive disorder with psychosis and anxiety (which it was b4) but they have added "query BPD" now, I guess they are waiting to see what PD Hub come up with or to see me more (as I only seen my new pdoc once) before he makes his mind up. It's progress but I just feel so isolated and alone, so god damn hollow inside again like no-one can touch me. I don't really know what I'm asking for here, guess I just needed to say something about myself.

[Villan]

*scoops you up, puts you in the wheelbarrow with the princess blankie and carries you along for a while*

really wish i could do that for real... yuo are one of the hardest fighters i know and deserve a break hun... is the respite thing still an option ?

so sorry things are pants atm, but kudos for the fair thing - 1 hour is a great achievement (even if it doesnt feel that way atm) hope the sportsday isnt too challenging, do you have an escape plan worked out if you need it, may help you feel a lil more comfy about going...? maybe if you feel like it you could take me some pics of A & A at sportsday and post them here - love seeing pics of your children, and that may give you something to distract you during the event - but no matter if you dont feel like doing that...

understand re the dx thing, i guess it's another unknown to add to all the stuff you are going through atm, none of us like them things... is there a way to speed up that PDHub thing (if that's what you want to do) ?

*always holding your hand*

much love to you xxxxxxxxx

[Roses]

Thanks so much Villan *relaxes in barrow for a spell* I came out of respite 2 weeks ago and it did help am booked in again for beginning of Sept after the summer hols. Am seeing CPN on Thurs and am going to tell her how I am feeling, she may bring my Pdoc appt forward I don't know. That's a great idea about sports day, if I can manage it I might do just that. Thanks again xxx

[snowman]

Thinking of you (((((roses))))

[ntt14]

The past few weeks, on here and in life, I've just felt myself talking and going through the motions but inside I've just felt the point of it slipping away and an emptiness that noone can see and you just don't try to explain.Then I read your post and yes that's it...'hollow inside again like noone can touch me' and a lot of the other things you said and express much better than I ever could.

I hate to post that because how does that help you, I know.

But I do see a strength in you, facing up to the fair and sports day today, is this for your kids? One of the hardest thing I found about having my son wasn't the sleepless nights and all that, it was the playschool/ primary school time with all of the events and other mothers etc. Having a gobby 14 year old with all that teenage attitude is a walk in the park now!! Sorry if that isn't what you meant, but sometimes just keeping going and moving forward is a bigger achievement than you let yourself take credit for.

I hope it goes okay today and that the person you really are can find their way back and keep hold of that xx

[Roses]

Thanks Snowman and ntt, sorry you are feeling this emptiness too ntt. I agree, it's not the kids that are hard work its the socialising that goes along with them. I used to be ok with it before my big meltdown of 2006 but since then it's like I just don't fit in and I just feel so unsafe and lonely it's hard to explain but I'm guessing from what you wrote you understand and have felt the same way. Part of me is praying it will rain and sports day is cancelled (very selfish and I do feel evil for that part) but other part of me wants them to have that day, it's my older child's last one at this school as next year he will be at seniors and it would be a shame for him to miss out on it. I'm just sitting around here really trying to do some bits but struggling to hold onto time. It's 10.22 already and it feels like 5 minutes have passed. Very surreal.

I'm still on weekly meds atm and yesterday picked mine up. They had forgot to put on my paracetamol so said for me to come back this morning. When I went this morning they had done the para and also done next weeks meds. I had a surge inside thinking I could take all this and no-one would ever know but I handed them back and said to the temp receptionist I'm not supposed to have more than a week at a time - now I'm kicking myself but at the same time have realised just how low I have sunk to be thinking that, so stupid.

[ntt14]

I could quote everything you've written as something I completely understand and you want to feel that it's good that someone understands but then I want to try to say something to help because I don't want you to feel that way too because I do know what you mean exactly.

But you haven't sunk as low as you thought because, even though you wanted to sneak off and not say about the tablets you didn't, however frustrated you might feel about that now.

Don't feel bad about the rain thing. My son has been sick on some kind of event day before and I felt relieved, then so guilty.

[Roses]

Thank you xxx

[hummm_mabbe]

Hullo Rosington Mc Rosey

Yeah can understand that, when you start to feel lost like that its good to touch in with people and make some sort of connection innit, just to know people are there and things. Sounds like stuff is overwhelming you a bit :(

[Roses]

Yeah, I think it is Ross. Feels like I'm trying to swim in very thick water right now. Just barely keeping afloat really and scaring myself with the thoughts that are running through my head. I just feel exhausted most of the time. I'm guessing I'm up in the night and not remembering. Change is unsettling and we have had a lot of change this year with new MH team, new bathroom/kitchen/garden, then upset with Mike's Mam and niece moving away. Now the PD Hub thing (which I really want to go for and is great news for me) but it's change again and having to go through everything again. I'm thinking of giving them my poetry book to read as well as part of getting to know me as it's so much easier to see me in the words. I just feel so flat and low and like I just don't know what to do with myself. Trying to keep a bit busy but trying to rest and not do too much so not really sure how that is supposed to work. Usually I just go full steam ahead until I can't go on any more. It's all very weird.

[Roses]

I had my appt with CPN this morning and she is going to see if my pdoc would be willing to increase my depakote from 750 - 1000mg without seeing me, or whether he wants to bring my appt forward to a couple of weeks time and discuss it with me face to face. Should know later on today. I felt a bit stupid as I went in there blathering on about a load of stuff that wan't even relevant as I know CPN's are there to see if you need support not actually give you the therapy but she listened and commented nicely and that and was supportive, I think I am beginning to warm to her.

[Dani]

oh hun...hugs.ive only just saw this.

so sorry youve been struggling..here if u wanna talk xxx

[catspiracy]

Sorry you're struggling, Roses. Wish I could help. (((((HUGS)))))

[Roses]

Thanks Daisy-girl and Cat. Just feel so god damn low and fed up. Just keep getting the negative thoughts and sui thoughts and that. Like I'll be sitting in the bath and next thing my mind is wishing I could just drown and get it over with. Walking down the street and want to just jump in front of a bus, it's just eating and eating away at me piece by piece. So tired and tearful it's just silly. Don't know what to do with it all really, not a lot I can do just gotta see if they'll increase meds and try and muddle through best I can really. At least it is light for a long time at the moment it's worse in the winter when I'm alone in a dark house all day. Just want to sh so bad too, I don't know which one is screaming at me the most. I wish Mike would hurry up and get home soon.

[canadianbumble]

((((Roses))) just read this I'm really gutted your feeling so low. I wonder If this is like a "lull" probably a wrong word after all the stuff that you did to the house . You've been sooo busy , I guess then you can't cram any thoughts in about how you feel and now there's this space. Re: Sports day Ugghhh. The one thing guarentee to make me a mess is other "mothers" For me these things are inferiority complex on a plate, anxiety , paranoia, putting on the mask etc. You did really well to do what you did. I hope Hubby will be home soon and that those horrid feelings will go away, it's awful when you can't shake it. Sending you love ,light and peace my friend. xxx

[Roses]

Thank you so much Bumble

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I'm just fantasising about the blood all the time. It's so damn hard. I haven't SH for about a month now and I really don't want any more scars on my arms cos it's nice weather and that but I so badly want to bleed. Thank you he is home and am running a bath, hoping that will help. And yes, now I have time to think the mind goes wild.

[lonelyheartemma]

((((((Roses)))))

I wish i could think of something to say. It doesnt seem to me like you are struggling to engage, you seem as supportive and lovely as ever. But I think i know that feeling of not engaging, right now i feel kind of distant from everyone, i want to get closer but its like you are so far away. I'm not trying to turn it into my thread, just wondering if i've understood you right.

I hope your pdoc lets you increase your meds, i hope that will help. obviously it will be a while before they work properly but sometimes just having them can be a sort of boost.

[bena.baby]

Hope the bath helped roses. Wish i could help like youve helped me in the past. I know that tired and desparate feeling, so awful. Sending you so many hugs and hoping you feel them x

[ntt14]

Sorry things have got worse Roses and that you're feeling so bad. Did you hear back about the meds. I hope so, you do need some kind of help and support and so defeating when you've not been too bad and it hits again. Did you make it to sportsday? Just a small thing I know, but that, your kids, little things; that's what you have to hold on to. Take care roses xx

[Roses]

Thanks everyone, yes I made it to sports day headphones firmly in place. Didn't hear back bout meds she did say it might be today I hear depending on pdoc's schedule. Yes emma it's that feeling of being distant I guess as thinking about it I have been replying to a few threads. I 'll let you know how I get on today. I have to try and get in at GP if I can too as I have a swollen, weepy and painful eye - think might have conjunctivitis = joy!!!

[Roses]

Yeah it's conjunctivitis. Have decided am just having a day at home relaxing and doing odd little jobs and the such. Just had too much going on last couple of weeks. So far I've made a cottage pie for tea tonight so later all I have to do is re-heat. I've put some adverts on ebay for some stuff we are going to sell and I'm part way into watching New Moon on DVD. I feel more relaxed and the eyedrops are helping with that. This morning it was so painful I could barely open it. I feel a bit more centred but still got this bad urge to cut. Just going to keep on trying I guess.

[ntt14]

Yes you do have to keep on trying Roses, and you are. And you have to remember that you deserve to feel better than this and that, if you can find a way to make now as easy for you as possible, then you will find your way back. xx

[Roses]

Sorry, I slipped up and SH last night. Sat in hubbies arms sobbing I'm so bloody pathetic. I don't want this to happen again but I have no idea how to stop it. So scared and so lonely.

[Roses]

double post

[walker]

((((((roses))))))