Friends? Really?

[blackdagger82]

Today is a national celebration day, there are fireworks and parties all over town. I text a few friends to see what they were doing tonight and not one of them has replied to my text.

I wasn't sure I would have coped well with the crowds but I know a few people usually hole up in a bar for the night and I thought I might be able to cope with a couple of hours.

Not a single person has replied to my texts. My best friend is out of the country till Frieday so I know why he hasn't called but as for my supposed other friends clearly its a case of out of sight out of mind when it comes to me.

I know I sound really petulant and bitter but it shows me that in reality i have very very few friends and most of those are online. Am I really that bad and horrible to be around that people only put up with me because they have to.

Really really want to disappear now, go somewhere and hide, Just not be me anymore.

[Jules7]

I'm not sure what to say to comfort you, except that you are a lovely person and it's not your fault you have probs, like I said before real friends are there through the good and the bad times. I'm sorry there making you feel bad you don't deserve it. :hug2:

[MaddieT]

Aw BD that is so awful for you and i am so sorry that your friends don't seem to be helping. Please don't feel so bad honey. You are having such a tough time and i know if you texted me i would be over like a shot with a bottle of vino honey!

I think that when they do get in touch, i would say something - it really pisses me off when so called friends off their support and tell you just to ring or text and then aren't bloody there or forget. But on the other hand we can't expect people in their busy lives with their problems to drop everything for us.

What i have learnt which is a very painful lesson is that just because i might be the most considerate friend ever, the person may not do the same themselves or live up to my expectations.

Just wanted to send you a massive hug and want you to know that i am thinking of you sweetie

Maddie xxx

[blackdagger82]

Thank you Girls.

I have come to realise that it is very much a case of out of sight out of mind when it comes to me and my firends. They know that they can count on me in a fix but when it comes to social stuff I am always forgotten about. I would often here about nights out that my "Friends" at school would have which I had not been invited on or hear them planning things like I wasn't there and would not be invited to.

I thought by now I would be used to it, but it still hurts as it proves to me that I don't really have any friends. Even the ones in the UK, I always have to go and visit them, only 3 have been to visit me in the 2 years I have lived here and I almost had to beg them to come over.

I should just disappear no one would miss me.

[MaddieT]

we would loads

[blackdagger82]

Thank you Maddie xxx

[Jules7]

yeah we would, even if we can't be there we are still your friends x

[blackdagger82]

Thank you Jules

Just realised how pathetic I must sound getting upset because my friends didn't invite me out. Sound like a small child squwinnying

:ashamed0005:

[Jules7]

No you don't they hurt your feelings, I would be the same way..

[MaddieT]

Hey BD

You don't sound like a whining child - you are hurt. How would they feel if it was them? Just the same as you babe.

Now what you have to do is tell them how disappointed in them that they didn't think of you and move on to find something to distract you.

Say what you feel -people need to be told

Maddie xxx

[blackdagger82]

If this was 4 years ago I would have just gone out on my own and found some people to hang out with, but now that is too scary to contemplate, even if i want to be that person again.

I know I should tell htem but I know I won't because I would feel like I was a moaning minny and then they wouldn't want me around evenmore.

I am watching Game of Thrones which is nothing like I thought it would be but bloody good nevertheless, so glad that I waited to get the whole season as waiting week to week for this would be a nightmare.

[blackdagger82]

Just had a FB message from a Guy I hardly know and have only met once asking why the hell I am at home and not out and would I be joining them later.

How is it a guy I barely know asks why I am not out but my so called friends don't care?????

[lonelyheartemma]

((((BD)))))

I dont know what to say. It would hurt me so much too. you arent moaning at all. and I would have loved to go out with you if you'd asked me, i would be so thrilled you were feeling up to it. and thrilled you wanted to spend time with me.

Maybe your friends think it will be too much for you and they think the best thing is to ignore your text but thats rude even if they are doing it for caring reasons. or maybe they are all assuming someone else will have told you by now.

[ntt14]

I would have been there BD, would have replied and would miss you completely.

I don't think it's you, just people being thoughtless and caught up in themselves, but it hurts because you don't treat you're friends like that so blame yourself when they do. Sorry noone was there for you tonight when you were trying to reach out. I have my own way of dealing with this problem which I am in no way recommending- I tend not have any friends because then noone can hurt me!! Now that is being a moaning minny!

[blackdagger82]

Thanks Everyone

I eventually went to be around 3 and was awak till nearly 5. Woke at 6 and thought it was 6pm for some unknown reason, didn't think I had slept that soundly.

I am trying to stay away from Facebook as I don't really want to see all the photos from everyone last night, but I have had an email from FB people asking me to deactivate my account as someone has hacked it and they are looking into it. So trying to add some people to a new account. Lets see how many people notice me not online. Propably not that many.

Anyway spending hte day watching TV again as nothing else to do. Didn't get an interview for New Zealand Job so good satrt to the day there.

:(

[ntt14]

I know what you mean about FB, haven't been on there for so long because I just have nothing cheerful to say and, to be blunt, just can't see the point. But you do pull yourself apart when you realise that you haven't been missed! But then I could find ways to hurt myself about most things and am my own worst enemy! Oh, a good day must be due soon!!

[blackdagger82]

I know what you mean Ntt14

My urge to up and disappear is so strong at the moment, I am dreading my Best Friends wedding in a couple of weeks and all the plans I have made for the summer (Alan Carr in Bristol and England V Wales at Millennium Stadium)

I just want to disapppear and become someone else. Change my name, become whoever I want to be rather then the product of my vast mistakes.

Maybe once I get all the stuff sorted with the school I can do that, just piss off and not be me anymore.

I tried to explain this to my therapist and the psychiatrists that I spoke to but they just kept going on about being suicidal, I am NOT suicidal I just don't the person I have become so I don't wnat to be this person. I want to be someone else.

I just wnet on to Facebook (to post on a group that I am a member of about not getting an Interview for hte New Zealand job) and have seen that most of my "Friends" from school are meeting up today for lunch and drinks and yet not a single text to me. That really does tell me a lot.

[ntt14]

I understand what you are saying about not wanting to be the person you feel you have become, but that's not the same as not being you anymore. There is nothing wrong with 'you', just all the stuff that's happening to you. If you could find a way back to being the wonderful person that we already see but without the pain and hurt!! Maybe that's why you keep feeling like you have to run away but you're running away from the wrong thing if you know what I mean. Please see yourself how we see you, you don't need to find someone else to be xx

[blackdagger82]

Thanks Ntt14

Its just I look back on who I was when I went to university and who I was when I started teaching and I was so much better. I want to feel that way again. I felt confident and in control. I knew what I wanted and where I was going and how I was getting there.

Now I am totally out of control of everything, my diet, my finances, my career and just my life in General.

There are so many things I would change if I could do it over, so many mistakes and so much hurt that I caused people.

If I could be someone else then all that could go away. I know my Health problems would follow me but I could deal with it better as no one would know my history and hold it against me.

[ntt14]

But that person who went to university etc is still you, you've just got a little lost and are definitley having a hate yourself day. I'm pretty sure that you haven't hurt people like you think, from what I have read before it is you that's been hurt and that has left you in this place.

But don't think I don't understand what you mean. I watch the 'normal' people walking past on the street and think 'why can't i be you' because things would then be so different and don't even let me start talking about when i watch a film especially with a happy ending.

You turn every bit of hurt and confusion against yourself and decide that you deserve it and are the person to blame.

I have trouble remembering a happiness to find my way back to, but you have this thought of how you saw yourself and that is still you so, even though it will take some time, bad days and typing on here, you know what you need to find your way back to. You just have to move this vision of you happy, from your past into your future and make this your goal. You can do it and you are not to blame. And you are lovely :hug2:

[blackdagger82]

Thanks Ntt14

[blackdagger82]

Well just as I thought the only person to notice my disappearence from FB was my best friend Steve.

He tesxt this morning when he got back from Ireland and asked what was going on as to my FB disappearing. I explained and we actually had aconversationthat didn't revolve around my sacking or depression. First one I have had in ages.

At least I have one firend in RL :/

[Monsterfood]

At least I have one firend in RL :/

I am glad you have a friend who seems like he really cares about you. Maybe it feels like it is just one friend but having one friend can be such an awesome thing when you don't feel like you have any at all. It is nice you had a good conversation. He sounds like a true friend. I hope you are feeling better soon.

[blackdagger82]

Thank you monsterfood

It was just arandom conversation about TV shows we both like and new ones we have found but it was so nice to have a normal conversation.

It is nice to know he cares and that I have at least one friend, but won't be that helpful when I have to move away by the end of the year :(

[Monsterfood]

First I have to say something that I hope might make you smile for a moment. When you said it wouldn't be helpful to have one friend when you move away, for a second I thought you meant you could use more people to help you pack and move heavy furniture. hahaha

Then I realized what you meant so on a serious side I want to encourage you to try know that if you can have one good friend like Steve then you have good things about you that someone else or others will like too in your new place. It might not be immediate that you find your diamond in the coal mine but I believe there are people out there who shine. Steve is one of them and there are others. I believe you have the adventure of making a new friend ahead of you.

(((((balkdagger)))))