Monsterfood Posted June 23, 2011 Report Share Posted June 23, 2011 I am wondering what others' experiences are with regards to whether or not people with BPD can have long term relationships with a partner who is loving and caring and maybe a little more normal than we are? Is there any hope for finding someone special who is not super crazy and sticks with us through all the crap? I wonder if there is hope for a life partner, kids, a home and not just moving on from one situation to another without thinking it must be the other person when it might really be me screwing it up with my messed up thinking, my inability to behave appropriately, or some other sabotaging BS? This is probably another topic, but when is enough enough? Do we find someone who we really don't want to lose, and that makes all the difference, or do we have no control over this? You always hear that people have to hit rock bottom before they get motivated to try to change, but it seems that we keep failing at relationships, jobs, and life in general without getting things in order. I mean, isn't relationship after relationship crashing and burning rock bottom enough to either figure out it might be me or do every single thing available to us to push our ways into getting better? At least for me, I have been a member of other forums and it is nice to talk to others and get support, but some people just do that while other people just take medications or other people go to counseling or some kind of treatment but then they stop. Sometimes I just think I must be really crazy to not do everything under the sun to help myself and then improve the lives of my family who have been through hell because of me. Like, if I had cancer or my mom or sister had some potentially fatal medical disease I would be ferociously searching out all the options, researching, and helping put together a plan so they could survive and heal. That wouldn't be just a surgery or just chemotherapy or just meditating or just nutrition but it would be all those things and probably more I don't even know. I would be relentless and fight tooth and nail to live or help them live. So then why don't I put together a comprehensive and intensive plan like that for BPD? I think it is ignorant to just do one or two things. I mean if I could just outthink it and fix myself by talking to others here or by reading some books or articles online or by taking a perfect combination of medications then I would be well already. I don't if I am lazy or unmotivated, but if I won't put out the energy and the required pain to change myself and heal my family relationships and improve my job relationships then what does that mean? What else is more worth the time and effort and hard work? So why don't I immerse myself in a comprehensive and intensive treatment plan? I just keep thinking that maybe that means that deep down I am really selfish and am more concerned with my own discomfort and avoiding that than with treating others good and loving them in a healthy way. Then that brings me back to the beginning of my post. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lily-Bee Posted June 23, 2011 Report Share Posted June 23, 2011 Hi, Ive been happily married for almost eight years now,its possible. Im not always easy to live with but I think my good qualities make up for that. Weve also through the years managed to find ways to deal with things concerning me that work for both of us.Im also in therapy and always learning better ways to cope.That said;I will always in a way be more difficult then others but my hubby says it keeps him on his toe's lol I think if you knew how,if you had the energy etc youd change yourself,its not that easy. It can take years but it get better slowly. I doubt youre selfisch.... Lily Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monsterfood Posted June 23, 2011 Author Report Share Posted June 23, 2011 Thanks Lily. It is nice to hear something hopeful. I am hoping your good story is not the only one out there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Saharah Blue Posted June 23, 2011 Report Share Posted June 23, 2011 I know there is so much more that motivates people to change and want to change, other than rock bottom. Like being inspired for instance, seeing something that just touches a part of you enough that you find yourself wanting more. In regard to relationships and BPD there is always the question of "how to deal with the abandonment wound" I think some couples accept it for what it is and work around the best they can to cope, like Lilly says. Then some let it run or ruin the whole relationship. The hardest relationships I have experienced are the ones where I am trying to pretend I don't really have these feelings and just carry on and act as normal as possible (impossible). I talk to my bf about it this way, "It's there, its big, its irrational and it wants to be in control". I have learned to ask for what I need. I need to be held, or I need you to listen to me, or I've learned to say I feel insecure, I need reassurance, or that I am scared. Or even better to his ears, I think I should talk to my T about this and get some help with this one. A lot of times I do get what I ask for, and when I don't I can feel the kick off brewing inside. It takes a lot of work, I felt like throwing in the towel every 2 weeks for years now it is more like every few months. I even look forward to the day I do, lol. But, no really deep down I know, no relationship is ever going to work unless I am willing to take down my walls, allow my vulnerabilities to show and let love in. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monsterfood Posted June 23, 2011 Author Report Share Posted June 23, 2011 Sahara and Lily, It sounds like you both have therapists. Have you found that to be an important piece of your wellness journey? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Saharah Blue Posted June 23, 2011 Report Share Posted June 23, 2011 I would say it has been essential, but only when I was willing to open up and talk about it. I have been in and out of therapy since I was 14. You need to be validated, understood, heard therapy can do that in fact it is the appropriate relationship to do it. You don't have to start with all the trauma. I started with my chaotic romantic relationships, because that was what I felt safe talking about. It naturally unfolded from there. I imagine that somewhere inside you know you will open a can of worms in therapy and likely go through a breakdown. We all avoid pain, its normal, you are having a normal response to not wanting to place yourself in a position where the pain could potentially swallow the bit of you, you are able to get by on. I don't think you are selfish as much as you are wanting to feel like it will come with a guarantee of some kind that you will be okay. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monsterfood Posted June 23, 2011 Author Report Share Posted June 23, 2011 "you are wanting to feel like it will come with a guarantee of some kind that you will be okay." That is so wild that you said that. I was thinking about why people come up with different justifications for not doing therapy or moving forward with that kind of intensive work and I feel like some of it may be a fear that what if you fail at treatment? Then what? What if you get to a spot where you might become hopeless if you feel like you are not getting any better or not getting better enough or not getting better fast enough? Maybe fear from really having to face the prospect of finding out we really do have a serious problem that does hurt people and ruin lives and if therapy doesn't get us where we are hoping to get then it is scary to consider how it emotionally paralyze us. I do too think therapy is essential. It is just figuring out how to reconcile that insight with action, but it still frightens me that no action or slow action is an indicator that I may just be talking the talk but not walking the walk when I say that my family or the potential of some good relationship is important enough to me to make some changes. Maybe I am just fooling myself in thinking my capacity to love others and show care and concern for others and put their needs first is a real possibility when in reality I care more about myself and my crazy emotional pain than anything else. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Saharah Blue Posted June 23, 2011 Report Share Posted June 23, 2011 I don't think people fail at treatment either, I think you just have to bite off what you can chew for each new segment you come into. BPD therapy is long-term therapy. I doubt it would remain static or permanent. There may be a phase of putting yourself first in order to be the kind of loving person you feel is within you. We all have the capacity to grow and nurture our love for others and our love for ourselves. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shadow girl Posted June 23, 2011 Report Share Posted June 23, 2011 Yes it is possible. Me and my hubby will celeebrate our 15th anninversary this year. That's longer than his first marriage and she doesn't have BPD. I am quite hard to live with at times - especially as I can be quite inpredictable. It has been a steep learning curve for us both. Me about not being secretive about feelings and coping methods and for him understanding / gaining knowledge of BPD so he can accept, if not understand or condone some of the things I do. To be honest, I believe he is a saint not only coping with me, but still loving me through it all. Indeed, he says he loves me more now - though I find that difficult to comprehend. I have had short stints of therapy over the years and now I have long term support from a CPN while I wait for my turn to do DBT. This does help as I feel I don't have to rely on him for all my support so I'm not so draining in bad patches. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
toaster Posted June 23, 2011 Report Share Posted June 23, 2011 Hi, I am in my first ever relationship (I am 28). I have been with my partner for 1 year. I know it is early days compared to some of the other relationships on here but for me it is a massive achievement. I have a diagnoses of BPD, my partner emotional dysregulation. But being self aware has helped us both - we both talk to each other, we don't argue and we are aware of the others feelings. Toast xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
addy2 Posted June 23, 2011 Report Share Posted June 23, 2011 Hi, i have been with my partner for 14years and he is relatively normal at times, it has been a struggle though he can be violent and agressive but on the other side he loves me and takes care of me, basically i need him, as for love i am not sure i know how to love but he stays with me regardless he says he loves me and i am kind and loving and that i accept him for who he is so he will do the same, we have children together which has probably helped, but it is possible to have a long term realtionship but it requires alot of acceptance and understanding i think.xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shailaine Posted June 23, 2011 Report Share Posted June 23, 2011 Hi, it is possible for long term relationships, I have been lucky enough to have two My first marriage lasted 17 years and was very good for 15 of them, the reason we broke up had nothing at all to do with my mental health. Infact I believe my first husband went through middle age crises as he suddenly started acting so out of character for him. and in a way it was impossible to support, even after he had helped me for so long. He has sadly died now but before he did he himself couldn't believe how he had acted for 3 years of his life. I remarried and we celebrate our 8th wedding anniversary this week end. I realise I have been lucky with both marriages as both men were/are supportive. My second husband especialy. We have had some rough times, and I know I am difficult to live with but I have found, in my case at least, to be totaly honest about how I feel about things to help them understand at least a little of why I react and do things like I do. My husband also receives carers support that helps him to understand. I am not my illness, I am me who happens to have BPD but there is far more to me than that. This support has proven to be vital as it helps both of us so much. I do think it does take a special kind of person to be able to not only help and understand us but to live with us full time too, but then it takes a special kind of person to live full time with most people, as everyone has their own ittle quirks and difficulties. I think one of our most self destroying behaviours is the sense of needing someone, as in our need it can be to easy to accept anyone, but there is the right person out there for us, as much as there is for anyone and as hard as it can be to wait for that special person its worth he wait because, yes, I believe we have as much chance of a succesful relationship with the right person as anyone has. . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DeusExMachina Posted June 23, 2011 Report Share Posted June 23, 2011 I have been married for 15 years, we have our ups and downs and sometimes it can be quite volatile (he has PTSD) but we are happy and have no plans to break up (although occasionally we drive each other crazy lol) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
totalwar Posted June 23, 2011 Report Share Posted June 23, 2011 I have BDP and been married this year for 20 years have two kids and happyly married at the moment.We met in a MH day hospital my wife suffers from depression and we help eack other when we ae ill.Worked out well so far there have been hard time in our marrage but we worked though it so it's not easy sometimes and have two teenage sons one of them is disable so not easy sometimes. :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monsterfood Posted June 23, 2011 Author Report Share Posted June 23, 2011 We all have the capacity to grow and nurture our love for others and our love for ourselves. Thanks. I hope so. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monsterfood Posted June 23, 2011 Author Report Share Posted June 23, 2011 skyhigh, I think you are the only guy who has said they think it is possible. I wonder if it is different for guys than is is for gals for some reason. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
toaster Posted June 23, 2011 Report Share Posted June 23, 2011 I think there may be less men on the forum than women you know, hence why only one man has replied... and I assuming that the majority of women who have replied are with/married to a male (I am a woman but have a girlfriend ) :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FuzzyWasHe Posted June 23, 2011 Report Share Posted June 23, 2011 I've been married for 4 years. Although it's been rough at times, my wife sticks by me and tries her best to understand. Sometimes I wonder why she puts up with the stuff I can dish out, but I would do the same for her. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monsterfood Posted June 23, 2011 Author Report Share Posted June 23, 2011 I think there may be less men on the forum than women you know, hence why only one man has replied... and I assuming that the majority of women who have replied are with/married to a male (I am a woman but have a girlfriend ) haha toaster. You make a good point. Thank you for your input about your experience. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monsterfood Posted June 23, 2011 Author Report Share Posted June 23, 2011 I've been married for 4 years. Although it's been rough at times, my wife sticks by me and tries her best to understand. Sometimes I wonder why she puts up with the stuff I can dish out, but I would do the same for her. That sounds nice. If you would do the same for her then it sounds like you found someone it is worth it for. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monsterfood Posted June 23, 2011 Author Report Share Posted June 23, 2011 After reading everyone's posts again I am wondering if you think that some of the difference in finally having a long term relationship is that you found someone who inspires you to want to be more or whether you have just found someone more tolerant or whether it is some of both? I am a bit of a romantic so I think of those people who make us want to be better but it is also nice if there are people out there who are good hearted people who stay with us because they have the capacity to love like that. Maybe the people who inspire us are inspirational because they are good hearted people! :inlove3: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monsterfood Posted June 23, 2011 Author Report Share Posted June 23, 2011 Oh crap now I just had some anxiety wondering if it is possible that the BPD stuff has let the right one get away. Does anyone else ever feel like they messed up the best thing they had so then they have to just move on without their soul mate? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FuzzyWasHe Posted June 23, 2011 Report Share Posted June 23, 2011 They say one has more than one soul mate. So, you probably didn't lose the only one. I know my BPD stuff has lead to lots of messed up situations, but I'm glad I ended up where I am now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monsterfood Posted June 23, 2011 Author Report Share Posted June 23, 2011 They say one has more than one soul mate. So, you probably didn't lose the only one. I know my BPD stuff has lead to lots of messed up situations, but I'm glad I ended up where I am now. Thanks for that reminder. I guess I know that but I was thinking about if I have lost my chance at the best thing not that other things might not be good too. Just that they might not be as good. That is a nice outlook you have to be glad you are where you are now. Do you think you ended up in the right place or the best place for you or is it more that you are just happy to have ended up in something better than crap? I mean I read some of you saying it can be difficult and take some hard work since things are not always rosey so I wonder if you all who have settled into long term relationships still get the grass might be greener feeling and when things are bad feel like there might be a better person for you so you should move on? So the person you are in a relationship with is sticking by you but you might get the urge to get going to that better person out there or is it that these people you have found really shine as being special? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
piuma Posted June 23, 2011 Report Share Posted June 23, 2011 Hey, I just wanted to add me two pence worth I have had 3 previous relationships, all eventually broke, down, each one lasted longer than the one before, I grew in each one, then I became unwell, I most defo did hit rock bottom, and I know my current partner was also in the same place. I think what is different with us, is that we both have been there and we both understand. Usually when one of us is not so good, the other will pick up the slack, and we support each other. I am extrememly happy, and I am not rushing into to mad things for fear of being left, which is something I would always do, I have been proposed to 3 times and nearly married once. This time, I feel that secure that I do not need to do that anymore. Although, I am certain, I will be marrying her some day soon ;) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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