Reactions To Self-Harm *worded Senstively, But May Trig*

[CrippleAndStarfish]

Hiya lovelies,

I've had a bit of a nasty experience a little while earlier with my Nana with regards to recent self-harm..... She saw my arm, and went "my God! I thought the Crisis Team had fixed you so you wouldn't do that!!! what are you playing at????!!!!" and got really aggitated with me and quite cross at me for doing it. It's just made me wonder....

Do those here who self-harm have people around them IRL that are understanding or accepting of SH as one of your coping strategies??

What are people's reactions when they've seen or known that you have SH'ed?

Just wondering, cause, to be honest, i'm still smarting from the conversation with my Nana, and feeling a little fragile atm over it, so wanna try reach out, see how other's react to this kind of thing if they experience people with similar views too?

Crip

xxxxx

[Jules7]

I've had the same sort of reactions from people only worse, been called stupid, crazy told to wise up ect. I know how you must feel..

[Peppermint]

People think i attention seek so i hide it now.

[blackdagger82]

I have had both reactions from understanding to being asked "for fuck sake why?"

I find that those who have suffered depression or similar are a lot more understanding then those that don't. I have been reallt proud that i haven't for over a week despite all the shit thrown at me. I know there are peopel in my life who will understand and tell me to call them if I get the urge, to others the will just tell me I am stupid and should know better.

I just try to keep things hidden from those who react in the latter way.

[CrippleAndStarfish]

Jules,

I'm sorry you've experienced similar, and worse. I've had my fair share of shite off people about it too, i know how much it hurts. Especially when the one thing we need at the time is understanding.

xxx

Peppermint,

I'm really sorry that the people around you think of it as attention-seeking. There are so many negative connotations with that phrase - "attention-seeking" - but in reality, what is wrong with feeling like we need attention and trying to receive it? I don't think there's anything wrong with it at all, but i understand just how hard it is to be judged as just doing it for attention. I really feel for you.

xxx

Balckdagger,

I've had mixed responses from people too. My nana, though she doesn't really understand, has made some efforts to accept that it's just something I do sometimes, and for the most part, she is quite nice about it - always asks "have you cleaned it properly, darl?" etc.

I've found that people who have experience of depression etc to be much more understanding as well.

I generally know which people i don't have to hide it around, which people it's pretty neutral, and which people i absolutely need to go to any length to keep it from them. It's just hard when those distinctions blur as they have done with my nana today.

xxx

[hummm_mabbe]

Hi there

I cant remember where i read it or heard it, but I remember picking up something about modern views of emotional intelligence, and whoever it was who was writing said that validation of feelings, and understanding a persons emotions and actions even if you yourself wouldnt do / feel them, is one dimension of emotional intelligence that people can have. Some people just lack that dimension, but if they are a family member it feels personal and more painful.

It might not be comparable, but its like with my Dad. He basically cares about me, and I can sort of talk to him, but he struggles to understand himself or his own emotions, let alone the more atypical ones I express. I sort of got to a stage where I had to let go of the need for him to be a certain way. It does help having had a therapist who I knew i could go to and be understood though, it takes the edge off that craving for validation. I think you also get to a stage though where you become able to validate yourself too. However IMO self harm comes from that chronic lack of an opportunity to validate and have emotions explored - its a radical way of somehow getting feelings 'out there' which would normally happen by having someone who will let you be whatever you are.

[CrippleAndStarfish]

Hiya Ross

Hope you're okay.

I think what you're saying about emotional intelligence is something similar to what my CC (gahhh, i love saying that! I love that I have one again ...sorry, back on topic!!) ...ahem, erm..where was i? Ah, yes.....says.

I think because my nana has never been exposed to self-harm, or people who do it, before, then it is something that is very alien for her. I wrote a letter to her in Unsent.... a wee while ago. The reason for that was that she asked me if there was any information online about "the stuff you suffer with", so I set her up with the MIND website and info for loved ones and let her go wild there. She made a real effort to understand, and that really meant a lot to me, as i'm sure you can imagine.

My mum is slightly different. My mum found out that i was SH'ing when I was around 11. She had had no previous experience with this, like my nana. However, about a year later she started working as an educational something-or-other on the pediatric ward at our local hospital. She also used to work with youngsters who had MH issues, and through her work there came across individuals who self-harmed, and others who had also done more... life-threatening... things. I think her having exposure to these things on a professional level helped her gain some understanding about it, without the obvious (or not-so obvious in my case!! haha) emotional minefield that is involved when it's someone close to you doing it.

sorry, i've rambled away like crazy... I think my meds make me a bit manic...

As always, thankyou for your insight Ross, I really love getting to hear your take on things.

xxxxx

[snowman]

No one but my therapist understands in rl. Most people are like why would you do that to yourself?

[lonelyheartemma]

my best friend accepts it but her daughter used to sh so she knew a bit about it already. Shes not really intrested in talking about it tho and i dont tell her anything much now coz she really loves my parents so i feel like i can't say anything in case she tells them.

My parents really just pretend i don't do it and show no interest in it at all. They just say oh right or I don't think we want to talk about this and then they change the subject. the only time my mum has brought it up in convo herself was when we found out i had a problem with my blood and clotting and she was like you'll have to be extra careful not to cut yourself. even then she might have meant it just generally but i do kind of think she meant sh too.

I hope i'm accepting of ppl on here who SH. its complicated tho coz people do want to do it and dont want to do it at the same time, it could be really dangerous, if you do it you will probably feel even worse later. So i think i accept it but i am aware of like the problems it could cause.

Crippie i'm sorry your Nana doesnt quite get it. It sounds like she really cares but she just can't understand SH for some reason. I know that reaction can really hurt, people thinking its easy to stop and like a matter of choice.

[walker]

its a radical way of somehow getting feelings 'out there' which would normally happen by having someone who will let you be whatever you are.

that is how wwe feel about this last weekssss events

that we are getting the 'mind' pain into our body making it real - making it who we really think we might be if it was not for 4 decades of 'no'

sorry not clear but it keeps moving

sorry crips to use yoru thread to say taht but it is what we have been tryign to explain to mh staff

[Christine001]

when i showed the new pdoc and my friend they had no reaction and i lost my sh as it was no longer private.

[shailaine]

When I first met my hubby he had no previous experience of any mental health but loved me enough to learn as much as he could.

The first time he saw that I had self harmed sent him into a real panic, He was convinced I must have had a breakdown to do that too myself and fully believed I must need 24hr care. He really thought I must have lost the plot and needed serious help to get it back

We have both progressed so much since those early days and he understands so much more about who I am, but sh is the one thing he cannot get his head around. Its the only thing we have that is not shared, as in, I hide it away from him. He just cannot understand it at all and its the only thing he gets really frustrated at me for.

My mum found out about it some years ago and went into a screaming fit about what kind of stupid attention seeking idiot was I and started battering me for it, despite being in my mid twenties!

The only people I personally have found that understand are other self harmer's at the therapeutic group I attend. It is frowned upon there and you do go onto assessment if you admit to doing it, but at the same time you are amongst others who you know genuinely understand and can take their advice at face value

[Saharah Blue]

When my younger sister use to cut, I would occasionally clean her up when she showed me and was crying, asked if I hated her, I would tell her it was ok and I loved her. Which is all true. It was hard being in that position because she would self harm if I tried spending time alone with my bf (we were living together at the time sis and me). It's pretty hard not to take it personally on that level.

[jillv]

I have never been a self harmer. Actually I have, but many years ago, and now it is SH in other ways. However my daughter and sister do SH. With my sister it doesn't evoke the same emotional responses. I accept it is something she needs to do. My mother however went round trying to hide the implements she used.

With my daughter it is much more difficult to accept. She has phoned me and told me she has hurt herself and I tell her to get it checked out etc. I try not to respond in a negative way, but it is hard. I want to scream at her. On one occassion I was with her when she was particularly distressed and full of hatred for herself. She was clawing at her skin like a demented being. I just held her in my arms until it abated. And we both cried.

I am now shaking. Its so hard for me because I blame myself for her issues. There is soooo much guilt.

[mhnr]

I have never been a self harmer. Actually I have, but many years ago, and now it is SH in other ways. However my daughter and sister do SH. With my sister it doesn't evoke the same emotional responses. I accept it is something she needs to do. My mother however went round trying to hide the implements she used.

With my daughter it is much more difficult to accept. She has phoned me and told me she has hurt herself and I tell her to get it checked out etc. I try not to respond in a negative way, but it is hard. I want to scream at her. On one occassion I was with her when she was particularly distressed and full of hatred for herself. She was clawing at her skin like a demented being. I just held her in my arms until it abated. And we both cried.

I am now shaking. Its so hard for me because I blame myself for her issues. There is soooo much guilt.

thank you so much for writing this.

[Roses]

I've had mixed reactions. People in public might stare although I'm lucky so far as in no-one has actually commented. The old me would have been devastated but the new me would tell them where they stood! My husband is great about it but his sister said I was doing it for attention and all that and was cruel. My parents said they wouldn't be seen in public with me if I had my wounds or scars on show but over the years they have just changed to just not talking about it at all. It doesn't exist, my problems don't exist (as in I can't talk about the past or sui or sh stuff) hell I can't even really talk about the present with my Dad cos he changes the subject and my Mum always pumps me for info but then she goes telling all her friends so I can't talk to her either. Families ey.

I'm sorry you have had this with your Nan but tbh my Grandma is 95 and she just wouldn't be able to comprehend it so she would probably be the same.

[autism-bpd]

i get that is silly , make me make promises not to do it again. i try my best to cover them so they not noticeable, but people start recognising im wearing cardies all time

[toaster]

Sorry your Nana reacted this way Crippie

I never had a problem with peoples reactions, except for a few people in public. Oh, and a boy in school saw my arm when my shirt rode up my arm a little bit and he told me to slit my wrists on the right side...

As for people close to me, they were 'fine' about it. I now wonder if I had had a more negative reaction would that have made me stop earlier? The fact that people tip-toed around me, mollycoddled me...it gave me more reason to do it, to get the attention I wanted. I started self harming for a release...it ended up something totally different, it was no longer a release but a way to say, 'I am hurting, I need love and looking after'

take care

Toast

[wordsmithy]

its a radical way of somehow getting feelings 'out there' which would normally happen by having someone who will let you be whatever you are.

that is how wwe feel about this last weekssss events

that we are getting the 'mind' pain into our body making it real - making it who we really think we might be if it was not for 4 decades of 'no'

sorry not clear but it keeps moving

sorry crips to use yoru thread to say taht but it is what we have been tryign to explain to mh staff

Thats what I do: "making it real". I hide it but theres a wee part of me that wishes everyone could know how my mind tortures me so and put it "out there". The thing is the reactions I've had are generally negative, and most including medical professionals are disgusted with what i've done, which only does more to increase the digust I already feel for my self and think I deserve.

I don't show my scars to anyone, I don't risk their rejection but I'd bloody love to be able to walk around with a t-shirt on and not have people care one way or another. If only!

[CrippleAndStarfish]

Oh my. I'm completely overwhelmed by everyone's replies - thankyou all so much for sharing what you have with me, it means such a lot.

My head is in a bit of a mad state at the moment and am frantically trying to get about 3 billion and 2 things done at once, so will come back soon as I am calmer and reply individually, but just want to say again, thankyou for all taking the time to reply.

And just want to say quickly, Walker - there is no need for you to be sorry, I'm glad you've found somewhere where you're able to articulate how things are for you, the thoughts and meanings behind certain actions... I'm really glad that you can and have done so.

Am gunna finish this here for now, but am sending love, hugs, and healing vibes to all of you. It is so sad that this is such a misunderstood issue, and it hurts that so many of us have experienced some degree of upset because of that.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[walker]

sorry crip we are not making it real for others but for inside our head

but to do that it ends up all fking up like it just has

since making it real meansonece its outside our head people are mroe likely to find out for various reasons

but its the screaming insidie we are trying to stop

unless its all bad attentionisoeeking and yes jsut all done on purpose

sorry this is not at u

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx crips

oh not crip it wasnt who quoted sorrsy read all wrong

fkd up again

sorry everyone

[walker]

oh nonee in hosp were nasty or friend or all mh people all ok but hub angrry but then we dont sh not like crip means

oh think we will stop

[CaTsEyEs]

I was livid the other day,I was on another forum (not a mental health forum) anyway there was a topic about people who self harm,People were commenting how they don't understand people they do it and they think they only self harm to gain attention or for sympathy I couldn't help myself i had to say something,It was the first time i admitted to them i self harmed,They of course thought i was weird.

In the end i thought "why am i even explaining myself to these people?they don't know me" so i told them this,A few of them PM'd me apologising to me as they could see i was livid with them.

[Shadow girl]

I just have one friend irl who gets it and that's because although she doesn't sh in the same ways as me she has an eating disorder. We often find ourselves laughing with each other about our extreme coping strategies and the lengths we sometimes go to to hide it and be how others want us to be.

My hubby tries really hard to give me support and care without rewardinf the behaviour. I know he finds the whole thing very hard and wevery now and then it gets too much and he tells me how it is for him. That's really upsetting, I hate causing him so much pain, and yet it makes me feel worse. At the same time, it usually preceded a few weeks where I reduce or even stop self harming for a bit.

I have had some bad reactions. One of my step daughters cried out "Oh my God!" when she found out. Other people just go quiet and change the subject if it comes up or anyone asks about my scars. I do wear short sleeves (I gave up trying to hide the scars a while ago - people just have to take me as I am these days). However, in the summer I never cut where it will be visible because I always hide recent cuts. One of the reasons I choose to keep marks hidden is tht I work a lot with young people and I don't want to endorse the coping strategy if they are starting to dabble with it. It's so hard to stop - I would hate to think I had played a part in any of them deciding to start this habit. I don't mind if my scars are seen, then I can talk about it in the past tense and encourage other coping methods and help them understand how to support other people who stuggle with self harm.

I hate myself for doing it and not being able to stop.

[addy2]

I had a terrible reaction from my partner he actually hit me and threw me across the room that was about three months ago but i haven't stopped i just try so hard to hide and have to cut in different places all the time, my social worker and therapist are accepting although my therapist did say once that my behaviour was unacceptable but he was trying to understand my reasons, i hide it from everyone else espically my children, sorry Crippe you had that reaction.xx