catspiracy Posted June 30, 2011 Report Share Posted June 30, 2011 I admit it. Hello, I'm Jeanne-Marie, and I have an eating disorder. I HATE food. It makes me so mad to look at food or prepare it. At the same time, food is like gold, it's power and love and good feelings that I have control over. I can serve or not serve. Whenever we are broke like we are now, I stop eating. The food is not for me. It is for the family. I told R. that yesterday, and she tried to tell me that I am a part of the fam, but I'm not. I dont belong. I'm not human. I'm not alive. This morning I had a really hard time getting up, I ache all over. Hubby was being lovey. I told him i could sleep all day, it felt so good in our nice squishy bed and I ached all over...but I still had to make him breakfast and lunch....i dragged ass into the kitchen and did it. He tried to be sweet to me in the kitchen but I told him I have a food aversion and it makes me terribly irritable to prepare food when I have that. I felt a wave of panic wash over me. I felt like it was a HUGE confession. He responded with pulling back and his inscrutable blankness. "Are you mad at me?"...you know the drill, i started asking it over and over and over. Until he GOT mad at me. self fulfilling prophecies are a bitch. If i could, I would NEVER EAT AGAIN EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
starryeyesee Posted June 30, 2011 Report Share Posted June 30, 2011 ((((((((catspiracy))))))) I know exactly how you feel xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
toaster Posted June 30, 2011 Report Share Posted June 30, 2011 I admit it. Hello, I'm Jeanne-Marie, and I have an eating disorder. i hate the word admit. it implies we have done something wrong. criminals admit guilt. i like the word acknowledge. u havent done anything wrong cats. eating disorders r the pits. especially when u look 'ok'. ppl think 'oh shes ok'. no. the disordered thinking is still there. take care toast xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bellaboo Posted July 1, 2011 Report Share Posted July 1, 2011 Thats soooo true toast xxx good you have aknwoledged it catsipary thats the first step fwd x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catspiracy Posted July 3, 2011 Author Report Share Posted July 3, 2011 Starry, I'm so sorry you feel like this too, it is a horrible way to live. For me it is transient, like all my moods and fugues. It happens when I feel controlled. It becomes the only thing I think I HAVE control over. And Toast, you are right...I use words to harm myself a lot. I wanted to make myself feel even worse about acknowledging my problem. I truly hope I didn't make anyone else feel bad along with me. I'm very sorry. I spent the other day with a friend who has an even worse situation and she was just sooooo kind and generous and fun to be with. We are going to seize control of our situations by: 1. I'm getting my freakin' studio ASAP. I'm calling around Tuesday morning to see to that. I'm going to my "day job outside the house" that way. 2. I'm going to take hubby to work and pick up my friend and we are going to work on our couture fashion side by side. We both are shriveling up and dying without art partners!!! 3. I'm starting a business bank account on Tuesday as well. All modeling money and art sales go into that. No more commingling with hubby's "mad money". It's easy for me to say these things at this moment while I'm riding high again...but I am an extremely determined person, and Bellaboo, you're 100% right in saying acknowledging my issue is the first step. I have such a hard time eating!!!! It's become such a habit not to! I'm typing this now ignoring my growling stomach. Oh yeah, I already did something else: I called a Somatic Experiencing therapy practitioner. I hope she calls back after the holiday. The book really directs a lot of attention to the visceral sensations we experience and create, and how they drive our unconscious. can you tell i'm freakin hypomanic again?!?! holy cow, I'm like charlie motherflippin sheen Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
successful_workthru Posted July 3, 2011 Report Share Posted July 3, 2011 Hello I'm Jeanne-Marie, I commend you on your admission, it's an important first step. Could you ask yourself, do you really hate food, or do you hate what food represents to you? This may help you understand the anger when you look at food or prepare it. You say you dont belong. Your'e not human. Your'e not alive. You are human, you do belong and you are alive, its just that past experience(s) have convinced you that you are not. The world can be a de-humanizing place, what with all of it's expectations of conformity, especialy in childhood where the roots of negative feelings are sown and re-inforced. Could you ask yourself if past expereince has made you feel as if you don't fit in? The world is a cliquey place, even families can be cliquey, and although it is insecure people who clique, when young and sensitive, we can be made to feel as if we don't fit in. The only time I felt like I belonged was with a group of people who were non conformists, who did not want to follow the crowds like sheep and who accepted me with open arms. When you feel achey in a moring could you delegate some chores to your hubby? Telling your hubby have a food aversion and it makes you terribly irritable to prepare food when I have it is a good thing, like Bellaboo said, because now your hubby has increased awareness and this can lead to increased understanding in my opinion. Maybe his blankness was because he didnt initially know how to react. Maybe hubby got mad at you because you kept asking if he was mad at you. I hope you dont think I am blaming you. When we are unsure of ourselves we can repeatedly ask people questions like this, it may be that they are only mad at the questions, and not at the issue which made us ask the questions such as your brave announcement about food aversion. Food may represent control for you, and this tells me that you feel out of control in your daily life. In my opinion, regarding control, we can act on things which we can do something about, but life also has many things which are beyond our control and we have to accept these things. Making the list, like you did, of things other than food where you can take control is something you may like to appreciate yourself for. I also use words to harm myself a lot, this is because I make a lot of needless mistakes out of carelessness, and although I know that acting negatively towards myself is destructive, I get annoyed because my silly mistakes cause me problems which could really be avoided. I feel about myself in the same way I would to other people's carelessness and laziness which may cause me un-necessary problems. I wish you all of the luck in the world with your business. I have such a hard time eating!!!! It's become such a habit not to! I'm typing this now ignoring my growling stomach. I would say, overall, be kind to yourself by understanding that the things that made you feel all those negative feelings are not your fault. love sw Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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