Ed & Social Anxiety Help Needed

[Plumdodo]

I have a history of anorexia, went through an EDNOS phase, now bulimic and fighting my way back to a semi normal life with moving out to my own place for the first time, starting a new job and trying to find a way out of my depression now the antidepressants have started to help a little.

However, this week I have met a brand new challenge and I don't have the resources to know what to do about it on my own anymore and need some advice. At the pool/gym I go to every morning (i have problems with excessive exercise) there's a guy who started coming about 4 months ago. He used to be morbidly obese, now exercises for about 4 hours a day and to me he is now underweight. He seems to have a healthy attitude to exercise, has days off and eats like a horse but I still have concerns about him. Anyway this week he has started to ask me for my number, suggest we go for coffee or lunch, even ask if I'm doing anything after my swim. He is a really nice guy, good looking and I think would be very understanding but I am so freaked out. I have social anxiety and have never been approached by a guy before, never been on a date. I'm 28 and I've never done anything, and I mean, anything. It would be difficult enough if I was feeling well without the added complication of my depression and the ED stuff being bad at the moment and against the background of his relentless exercising and eating habits. I have been making excuses all week and finally asked if he was on face book as a compromise only to be directed to his food blog - turns out hes a restaurant critic in his spare time!

I'm caught between knowing it would be good for me to push myself to meet new people and taking on too much. I'm started back to work any day now, starting with a community treatment program in a couple of weeks hopefully and still fighting depression and the ongoing social anxiety and ED. Getting to know him better would definately be difficult for me, maybe even harmful, but I might just be using that as an excuse. On the surface he seems to have a really healthy attitude towards his exercise and food which could be a good influence but it all seems so extreme I can't believe if he dosen't have a problem now, he's not heading for one. The other thing is, he seems such a nice guy and is easier than most to talk to. I don't want to miss an opportunity to challenge my anxieties with someone who could turn out to be really understanding and helpful and become a good friend.

I'm going to make myself send him an email because its not fair to leave him waiting any longer but I'm scared it'll sound stupid as so often I loose a sense of what sounds normal to other people. Please could people read below and see what you think.

"Hey

Just wanted to drop you a line to explain a little. I haven't given you my number because, as I'm sure you'll have noticed, I'm crap with words at the best of times, stick a phone to my mouth and I'm virtually mute. I'm chickening out and writing instead, hope you don't mind.

M has said you've told her your friends can't keep up with your exercise/eating habits, which I can sympathise with. However, if you're thinking I could, I should tell you I haven't been entirely truthful about everything (although, that goes no further please). I don't want to go into details but just to say I'm dealing with a lot of issues at the moment, some more successfully than others. This is another reason why I don't have a lot of spare time and I think it would also, probably, make our lifestyles fairly incompatible.

That said, if you don't mind meeting up with a borderline nut job for coffee once in a while I'd be happy to go for coffee after our swim occasionally or when I'm over your way. Wont be offended at all though if you'd rather not, will leave it with you.

Sorry for my delaying tactics this week anyway, you've been very patient, I'd have got the hump with me ages ago. Like your blog btw, very professional. You really do like your food don't you :-)

See you soon"

I know I should feel flattered by his attention but I can't help but think he is only forcing himself to be interested in me because he thinks I'm the only person he'll meet who can keep up with his exercise routine.

Sorry this is so long but your comments on my situation and the email would be very much appreciated.

X

[starryeyesee]

Hi

I think you're being a bit hard on yourself - you call yourself a borderline nut job - you are much more than your illness and maybe this is what he sees.

I think it's good you have written him an email but its quite negative. I'm sure there are many positive things about you and making a new friend is a good thing. He may help you build up your confidence and eventually you will have someone who cares about you.

Even though you have a lot going on for you at the moment I think if you got to know him a bit better you would find all the other things fall into place.

I really hope you find the answers you want. You seem like a really nice person who just needs a friend and here is that opportunity - go for it!

hope this helps

starry xxx

[hummm_mabbe]

Hi there

I dont know what would be a good letter to write, but I have had social anxiety my whole life and so have a lot of experience of working with it. In reality there is no quick simple solution, so its best to start yourself on some sort of programme to work on it. A great place to start is the book "Overcoming social anxiety and shyness" by Gillian Butler, or even better - find a CBT therapist to work with you on this. For some people, CBT can be extremely helpful, though for others they may find they need something else. However its a great place to start, and that book includes a tweaked version of CBT especially for social anxiety.

One thing thats important to recognise is its not something that changes easily or quickly. People with social anxiety tend to also be hugely demanding of themselves because the fear makes them feel "I have to change right now". They have a tendency to drive themselves and have this image in their minds of a perfectly calm, in control person that they feel they should be, and then get very angry with themselves when the anxiety turns up. So backing off a bit, and accepting it may take time and involve actually directly experiencing your discomfort, are good places to start from.

As you say its is important to face fears to an extent - but the chuck yourself in at the deep end approach is not one which is helpful in social anxiety. A system like the one in that book will ask you to create a hierarchy of feared situations and to work up them gradually, so that you come to feel that the anxious feelings are tolerable. Its also worth noting than in social anxiety, the underlying feeling is the fear of being rejected or humiliated, and the secondary fear that anxiety itself will lead to rejection. That is, the person believes others will see their anxiety and be repelled. Thats why the anxiety attack happens - its "oh no I feel anxious" with an added "oh no, people will see my anxiety". Fear OF fear tends to lead to panic. Becoming aware of whats going on inside you is useful, and connecting with what it is you are afraid of. So often, with anxiety we have lost sight of what we are actually afraid of, and instead there is just fear.