Getting Anxious

[blackdagger82]

I have suffered from anxiety for most of my life but have been able to keep it under control until quitre recently. I generally like to keep to myself or be in envirnoments which I have control over.

Anyway since things have gone down hill in most parts of my life the anxiety has not really been an issue as I have become persona non grata amongst most of my so called friends where I live. However in the next few weeks there are lots of things that I have committed to and I am starting to get a little anxious about them. Its showing mainly in my inability ro sleep, which at hte moment althogh annoying is not really an issue as I am currently unemployed (thanks universe ) but being awake till 4am is still not great as I lose most of my mornings and then feel grotty for hte rest of hte day.

The biggest thing coming up is my best friends wedding which should be a great and joyous occasion but all i cna think about is all the wrong moves I could possibly make, how much money it is gonig to cost (and I don't really have) and how aweful I am going to look. I wnat to be able to go and enjoy the day, enjoy being around friends but with everything that is happening I feel like people are going to be laughing at me as in the end it turned out I couldn't cope and I made a mess of things yet again.

After that is my other best friends 30th birthday and the last time we went out I totally crashed, ended up sobbing in the toilet and made a total fool of myself in font of her friends - most of which will be out for her birthday. Again there is the money issues, the week after that we have tickets to England v Wales in a world cup warm-up at Millenium Stadium and to see Alan Carr live. All of which were a great idea when I booked them and now I am totally freaking out about going.

This week I have been invited to dinner with a friend and then to go to an open mic night on Thursday which my best friends Steve and his band are hosting in a local venue. I am sure that these envents will be fine as they are small but again all I can think about is how I will make all these social fuex pas and will look horrific and will have nothing to say.

I hate feeling this way as I used to be a confident and in control woman, now I am a mouse in comparison hiding in the corner hoping no one will see me. :(

[peter.c]

Hi Balckdagger, You are stressed out with worry!

Try and deal with each day as it comes. Combining all your worries and anxieties together, as you are doing, is to steep a hill to climb. One step at a time, one day at a time.

You are really venturing outside your comfort zone with the wedding, birthday party and mic night.

Put on a brave face for friendship and hopefully you will enjoy the company.

I wish you well, Peter.

[almostsane]

Hi Blackdagger,

I can relate completely to the social engagements causing you anxiety, I am the same, for exactly the same reasons as you described.

I just bottle out of any social events, so I really can't offer any real advice I'm afraid. The sensible part of me says to look at it logically, work out a budget and stick to it (drinking the cheaper drinks and not having any more than you can afford etc - although avoiding alcohol might be wise if you're depressed or anxious), so that eases the financial stress. As for the social side of things, do you have a good friend that will be there? Somebody that you know you can chat easily with and have a laugh together? Buddying up with someone might provide you with a bit of confidence. As for worrying about how you're going to look, I know the feeling! Choose your outfits with a friend - or try several on at home and photograph yourself in them so that you can see what you really look like - not just how you see yourself in the mirror. Have a dress rehearsal (literally), full clothes, full make-up, hair etc until you find something that you look and feel fab in, then do exactly that for the events.

Having said that, I know how I would be feeling in the same scenario, and that it doesn't matter what words are offered, I'd still feel like I'd be the ugliest, worst dressed, most socially inadequate person there.

Good luck with it, I'm sure you'll be fine and you'll end up having a great time.

All the best.

xx

[blackdagger82]

Thanks Peter.

I am going to try and take each day as it comes, been writing alot in my journal to get things out of my head and remember that hese are my firends. The few who have stuck with me through this so they wouldn't ask me if they didn't wnat me there. I jsut don't want to let them down.

[blackdagger82]

Thanks Almostsane.

I have the outfits sorted for the big events (birthday and wedding) I brought them online when I was with both of my best friends (female) and both of which will be at both (one is hte bride the other the brithday girl) the rugby is an easy one with my rugby shirt . With the drinking I am not going to be drinking alcohol anyway as the meds I am starting on monday don't allow it, which will make things easier - soda and lime for me i think.

I jsut keep seeing istuations in my mind where I ruin the night/day for the main people through my own social inadequicies (sp?) and I really don't wnat that.

[peter.c]

Good Girl!, Balckdagger. writing things down works for me.

It's just too easy to say yes to invitations, knowing that you can't really cope and intend to make your excuses later. But over time, it costs you so many friendship's, as they lose heart at your constant no show's.

Make the effort and go and enjoy yourself, you deserve it!

Best wishes, Peter.

[ntt14]

Hello lovely BD xx

I know exactly what you mean about the wedding etc. My favourite cousin is getting married in a couple of weeks but I said I wouldn't be able to make it because I just couldn't handle the whole thing. Then I got all caught up in the feeling guilty and really devastated part because I would love nothing more than to see her get married and lots of family I havent seen for ages and love. So then I feel like a freak, then I get angry with myself and tell myself to just go, and then all the panic and excuses start again!!

But I remember you saying you were looking forward to these things so try to hold on to that. You've faced up to so many things and you can do this, just take it one at a time. I promise you your friends don't see you as a person who made a fool out of yourself or any of the other things you said. They'll see you the same as we do, a lovely caring person who's going through a bad time and really want to see you happy. They will want you there no matter what, to enjoy it with you and to help you if it's difficult.

I know I'm such a hypocrite because I do understand all that you're feeling, but I also know that my way doesn't work and I would love you to look back and be so glad and proud that you went, looked beautiful and had a lovely time. As Peter said don't try to tackle everything at once, just one little bit of a day at a time and try to not doubt yourself so much and see yourself as we do xxx

[blackdagger82]

Thanks you Ntt14 and Peter

I have just ahd the worsed nights sleep i have had in a long time. I actually felt tired so thought I would actually get to sleep at a resonable time, which I actually did but woke up every hour or so. When I did sleep I had the most horrific nightmare, it was one of those that continues after you have woken up and gone back to sleep. :(

[ntt14]

I hate nights like that, especially when you just can't shake the feeling off all day. Why can't we just keep it simple and dream of chocolate??

[blackdagger82]

That would be nice especially if it was Joshua Jackson covered in chocolate Hmmmmmmmmm

[ntt14]

Who's Joshua Jackson??

[blackdagger82]

He played Pacey in Dawson's Creek and is currently in Fringe playing Peter Bishop

Yummmmmm

[ntt14]

Oooh oooh oooh YES!! Of course he is(forgotten where my memory is!!) Love Fringe, and Peter covered in chocolate!!!!! You've just made my day!!

[ntt14]

And that's a lovely picture, even without the chocolate.Sweet dreams for me tonight!!

[blackdagger82]

Fringe is one of my favourite shows, the season finale for season 3 really had me shouting at the screen.

[ntt14]

Some friends of mine had seen it a month or so before me and said how it was confusing. So I smugly watched the last episode thinking how this isn't confusing at all......then the last minute happened!! I even said aloud WTF and just sat there with my mouth open!! Ha not so smug now am I!!

[blackdagger82]

Those were my words exactly but I do know that Peter is back in Season 4 so I wasn't too angry.

I don't like the Observers though, they have a very odd agenda.

[ntt14]

Phew!! I did google the episode but that added to the confusion really!! I just took relief from the fact that he'll be back....but how eh?? He never existed!!!

[blackdagger82]

That's were I get confused as I can't see how it is going to progress but I am sure there will be some twisted story line that will bring him back. Maybe the love between him and Olivia will mena that Olivia will realise something is wrong and find the observers and demand him back??????

I am off out to a firends for dinner tonight and just had a really angry text from my best friend in the UK (the Birthday Girl) telling me off for not being more in touch with my family. I have replied to the emails from my nana and the texts from my older sister. What do they wnat me to do text them with every bloody move I make?????

Nothing is happening, I have no news for them about a job, the union or anything. I HAVE NOTHING TO SAY!!!

Really peeved now and and tell them all to just Fuck right off and leave me alone. I may have depression but I am not Suicidal and I haven't S/H in nearly a month!! I didn't have this much contact with them when I was living in the UK why should I now?

:mad0233:

[ntt14]

I know they're just worried and care about you, but I know what you mean. Noone there when you need them and then they they won't just fuck off and leave you alone when you want some peace!!!!!!(oh sorry, bit grumpy !!)

But all I really noticed was you saying how you are not feeling suicidal and not sh in a month, that is bloody amazing. Perhaps not something everyone would take for the positive it is, but that's so good. You've coped with the whole 'which blimen universe is Peter in now' thing extremely well I think xx

[blackdagger82]

THanks Ntt14

I had to read that bit about Peter twice LOL,

The only person that knows about hte suicidal/disappearence thoughts and Self Harm is Steve. Other then that I tryto keep it quite as my family think that I should just move back to them (rather shoot myself in the foot!) and my friends don't really understand. I have had issues with my family for a long time, although thy like to think that we are a lovely happy family, kinda the whole pretend everything is ok and it will be sort of sentiment, when in reality we don't talk about anything of importance and everyone knows better then you do.

My older sister suffers from post natal depression after having my eldest niece but wasn't diagnosed till after having my youngest one. So know the whole family (sister especially) thinks that they know exactly what is going on with me. and when I try to point out that my Depression, anxiety, insomnia etc is completly different they think I am being difficult and that is another symptom of my depression. Its like any behaviour I exhibit that is not to their liking is due to my depression. I thought I was the one who could use my depression as an excuse?!?!?!

[ntt14]

I don't tell anyone about any of it, find it impossible to talk about. Family only know as much as they do because they've found out when certain things have happened (see can't even use proper words now).

I've learnt not to lean on them from past experience but still slip up here or there and regret it. But I don't think people want to hear it anyway. It's too uncomfortable to start with, then they want it to go away. And even if you could understand it your self enough to explain, is it really something you could even imagine if you've not felt it But there are certain people you should be able to open up with sometimes so I'm glad you have steve. He does sound like such a good friend and I'm glad you decided to keep it that way so it doesn't get all complicated!!

[blackdagger82]

Yeah Having Steve around is really nice, he has suffered from depression as well so understands that sometimes I don't want to talk and just need a cuddle, other times I need to rant and rave. He can also tell when on an oblivion run and he will keep an eye on me so that I don't so something stupid. But its not all one way I am glad to say. for Example On friday night/saturday morning I got a text at silly o'clock in the morning from him asking if I was up, when I said yes (damn insomnia) he buzzed the door. He was horrifically drunk after being at a gig and had lost his keys so rather then wake his parents (who had a spare) he came to mine thinking I would be awake. He didn't wnat to get shouted at by his mum, but she did anyway when he told her where he was. I could hear her from the other end of the sofa telling him off for waking "the poor girl up". I did laugh at that.

I have never really talked to my family. I tried with my sisters but have learnt that is not really and option anymore. Its almost like they can't accept that I am doing fine.