neon-heart Posted July 9, 2011 Report Share Posted July 9, 2011 Ok small introduction: ive been recovering slowly over a year from long term depression. Overall it's going well but in the last two weeks I've regressed a lot and am in a really dark mood 24/7. The last 3 days ive done nothing but watch animal abuse videos on the net, specifically of kittens. I've always had a weird inexplicable dislike of cats... but have never harmed one physically. In fact, my neighbour's cat regularly comes into my home because it trusts me and even falls asleep on my lap while I watch tv! (when I am in better moods) Alright so I only watch these fucked up videos when I'm at the lowest, but never of other animals.. weirdly, just kittens and cats. This is the furthest I've ever gone into this 'darkness' and I am quite certain if it goes on much longer I will go out, find and adopt a kitten and then abuse it! At first just minor neglect.. but with time it may snowball... So thats my situation, thanks for reading and please help me! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dice Posted July 9, 2011 Report Share Posted July 9, 2011 If you keep having them thoughts about harming cats/kittens, Why do you keep watching the vids??? I know it may sound like a silly Q, But do you think you enjoy it??? Plus just because you have them thoughts and watch the vid's, Doesn't MEAN, You will harm a cat/kitten... You pick which one you do, To either harm one or not... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
neon-heart Posted July 9, 2011 Author Report Share Posted July 9, 2011 Dice, I am 90% sure I will harm something physically in the next 2 weeks if my mood stays like this Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dice Posted July 9, 2011 Report Share Posted July 9, 2011 How can you be so sure??? If you was going to do it, Why haven't you done it by now??? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Honeyflower Posted July 9, 2011 Report Share Posted July 9, 2011 Maybe a trigger warning should be on this post???????? As for your thoughts,I agree with Dice,Also have seen your GP or spoke to anyone about these thoughts? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dice Posted July 9, 2011 Report Share Posted July 9, 2011 I just wanna add some more before I come off here, What help are you looking for, From off here??? Just because we have thoughts about harming animals or people, And maybe watch vid's over the net of it, Does it REALLY mean we will do it??? No it doesn't... And you have even said when you was feeling a little better, You had your neighbours cat in your home, Sleeping on your lap, And you didn't harm it... Why in the next 2 weeks??? Why even buy or adopt a kitten/cat, When they're many many cat's in our streets and about where each and every one of us live... I don't think you would harm one... I will be honest and put it out there and say I truly believe you wouldn't harm a cat/kitten... Do you believe you would harm one and I mean truly really deep down would you??? Think about that... Because if you would, You would NEVER of allowed that cat in your home and on YOUR lap... And to Honey, To be honest with you about the trigger warning, It is a tough one because of the name of this post, It does tell you what it is about, So if people know things like that would trigger them, Then I guess they wouldn't read or even look at it, Just in case it does trigger them... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AMG Posted July 9, 2011 Report Share Posted July 9, 2011 Please dont, i an new to this and dont understand alot but you really need to see someone, they are innocent beings and there is sooo much pain and suffering in this world why creat more !!!! i would rather hurt myself then an innocent animal !! i hope you get help Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hummm_mabbe Posted July 9, 2011 Report Share Posted July 9, 2011 Hi there I know that impulse control can be difficult for some folks with MH issues, and they end up acting on a feeling that bubbles up because it feels so compelling. As others have said, feelings and thoughts are just feelings and thoughts - you don't HAVE to act on them, though it can feel very uncomfortable if you dont. The desire to escape the discomfort is what drives the feeling of "I have to do this". I guess its worth keeping an eye out for if you get these impulses at all with people, and noting how you feel about those feelings. Obviously if you decided to do this to a 6 foot 5 bloke with huge muscles, he would probably have some choice words at best, to some form of painful retaliation at worst. A kitten cant do that, and so maybe thats the point: You feel powerless or unable to stop someone / others from doing whatever they like to you, and somehow some part of you is trying to feel that sense of control by wanting to exercise that power over something that cannot or will not punish you back or retaliate. If you look closely you may find you get this impulse with people too, but that fear or some other emotion comes along and shoves the anger / urge back down. Sometimes people that feel these feelings have a person or people in their lives that act this way towards them, maybe a dad, sibling, mother or school peers etc. They cant lash out at those people because they may need them emotionally, are afraid of them and so on, so it ends up going 'down the line'. Dad takes it out on mum, who takes it out on the eldest, who takes it out on the youngest, who then kicks the cat. Really the youngest wants to say "Screw you all" to mum dad and sibling, but they cant because the poop rolls downhill. It usually feels much more relieving and empowering to actually own and express the anger you might have to those 'higher ups' though. Taking it out on something weak will temporarily give you that feeling of power, but it never quite gets rid of the powerlessness, because you do not develop the ability to stand up to the ones that are / were actually doing it to you. At some point you may need to find the strength to 'hand it back' to the ones who really deserve it, though this may mean facing a lot of guilt feelings and "they did their best, they couldnt help it" or "I deserved it, I was bad" type justifications for why they treated you that way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jules7 Posted July 9, 2011 Report Share Posted July 9, 2011 This post makes me sad and angry, why watch videos like that? It's putting the idea into your head that its ok to hurt animals and its NOT!!! so why watch them! I say do something else play a video game go for a walk anything that takes your mind off these bad thoughts but please DON'T hurt a poor innocent animal that never did you any harm. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scott_2703 Posted July 9, 2011 Report Share Posted July 9, 2011 What I would suggest is go back online to these videos and REPORT them , You seem to know right from wrong I understand you are having dark thoughts but the fact you are on here asking for help leads me to believe you will not do it Report every video you have watched - They will hopefully be removed and may give you some satisfaction Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
almostsane Posted July 9, 2011 Report Share Posted July 9, 2011 I was going to write a proper reply to this, but hummm_mabbe has already written exactly what I would have done. It is a power and control thing, a way of expressing hurt and anger, but against an object that cannot retalliate. You need to work out what is causing this anger in you, and a way to resolve it that does not involve harming anyone or anything - or yourself. You may not even know that you are angry about anything. Next time you feel that way, or are watching the video's, try and work out why you get enjoyment from those images. Once you know what is triggering those feelings, you can start doing something about it. Just because you get enjoyment from the videos does not mean that you would actually cross the threshold and actually do it. The very fact that you have posted on here shows that you don't really want to do it. You know that it would be wrong. The alarming thought is that if you did go so far as to harm a kitten, what next? A puppy? A child? These are issues that you need to resolve. Try speaking to a GP, and maybe get a referral to some counselling or something. You need to work on ways of addressing that anger in you. Good luck. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
neon-heart Posted July 9, 2011 Author Report Share Posted July 9, 2011 Thanks for your replies. I feel guilty and ashamed to have these thoughts but these replies have given me something else to focus on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CaTsEyEs Posted July 9, 2011 Report Share Posted July 9, 2011 I feel annoyed you have a choice if you can write so clearly then you have a choice.Instead of watching these videos why don't you report them? I can understand you might not feel you can control these thoughts but you CAN control your actions and you almost make it sound like a threat that you will do something horrible over the next few weeks. I am sorry that your mind is in a dark place but you be sure to take responsibility for your actions. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
neon-heart Posted July 9, 2011 Author Report Share Posted July 9, 2011 Why leave a negative on my rep? im talking honestly about something and am trying to overcome it.. Stop having an emotional unconstructive reaction just because you find the subject matter distasteful #roll eyes# Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CaTsEyEs Posted July 9, 2011 Report Share Posted July 9, 2011 In return I believe you are speaking asthough you don't have responsibility and I think you do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
neon-heart Posted July 9, 2011 Author Report Share Posted July 9, 2011 I'm trying to be responsible- hence me being here. We dont necessarily have free will - see causal determinism. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CaTsEyEs Posted July 9, 2011 Report Share Posted July 9, 2011 I think other people here may have a better understanding than me sorry if I caused any offence. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
black999 Posted July 9, 2011 Report Share Posted July 9, 2011 Thanks for your replies. I feel guilty and ashamed to have these thoughts but these replies have given me something else to focus on. years ago when i was in a deep panic black place, i just sat and watched my cat torcher a bee to death it took a very long time. there is not a single week that goes by that it haunts me as if it was still happening now, i wish i could go back and stop it ever from happening. the whole life on earth is killing each other all the time, i wish the sun would suck every thing from earth and all the space stuff, in one second, all life gone. you ve grown up with this feeling and you are scared and cant cope with out . could you get thses web sites banned and get your self a female kitten( as boy cats pee up everything ) and learn how to love again, it will feel much better, if you dont feel better take it back to the shop, you have got to break the circle of abbuse you ve had to live with, and fill up with love and happyness of a full time job looking after the kitten, will fill your mind of other things,like i cant live without a pet they are my best friends im not a people person, you can say what you want to a pet and they 'll always listen, if your sad they come and comfort you play time they love making you laugh they even get quite bossy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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