blackdagger82 Posted July 20, 2011 Report Share Posted July 20, 2011 I have realised today that my anxiety comes at two main points in the day. When I wake up and when I go to bed. I know that these are the times when I am lying in bed and my brain goes into overdrive, especially at night when I am dreading the comnig of the next day. In hte mornings its not so bad, night time is absolutly horrible. My brain goes over and over all the things that are going wrong and how I can't do anything about them (the job situation, the fact that I have realised that I won't make October's rent, If I do get a job for september how I am going to move in time and the list just goes on and on and on). I have all these grand ideas about what I am going to do the next day but when I get up I can't motivate myself to do them. For example I know I need to go to the ADEM to sort out what benifits I am entitled to and to register etc but I jsut get so scared about going to see them, but then again I am scared to open my mailbox in the mornings in case the letter from the school has arrived to tell me why I got scaked (they have 7 more days to reply). The only other times I get anxious is when I have to venture out of my flat. I went out today for the first time in 3 days to the supermarket and I was almost in tears the entire time. I just wanted to be totally invisable. But I have found that when I am at home I feel totally numb. Not happy, not sad, not depressed just nothing. I try to focus on something (the project I am working on or job applications) but it doesn't last. The only time I feel anything is when I weigh myself and then I just feel disgustingly fat and unattractive. I really don't know what to do to get myself out of this situation, but I know I need to do something. All the plans I came up with are on hold (the bar i was going to ask for work in is closed for the owners holiday and renovations and I have to wait for the ebay selling to start as need to verify my Paypal account). Just feel so BLAH Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blackdagger82 Posted July 20, 2011 Author Report Share Posted July 20, 2011 Oh and I have also realised that I haven't spoken to anyone verbally since sunday morning. I really must not have any friends :huh: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lonelyheartemma Posted July 20, 2011 Report Share Posted July 20, 2011 You have friends on here, if i lived near you i'd be wanting to see you nearly every day, youd be so fed up with me! I think a lot of ppls comunication doesnt happen verbally now, there are these girls i kind of know on twitter and once they were all sitting on the same bed and they were tweeting each other, it went on for about half an hour! maybe they were talking to tho. Its good youve sorted out the times when you feel worse, maybe you could find something to do that makes the time easier? I know that easier said than done but you could try different things like maybe music and see if anything helps? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
canadianbumble Posted July 21, 2011 Report Share Posted July 21, 2011 (((balckdagger))) didn't want to read and run. I feel for anxiety you are feeling, for me it's worse at the end of the day too. Or one spark of doubt creates a mountain of doom. I hope this gets better for you really soon. xxBumble Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blackdagger82 Posted July 21, 2011 Author Report Share Posted July 21, 2011 THanks Emma and Bumble. I have found that creating stories in my head helps to relieve the anxiety at night. I love to read but that just keeps me awake. Sometime the anxiety creeps into the story but then I can say to myself that it is not part of the story and not to think about it. Its harder in the mornings and then I just have to push myself to get up and shower etc. It was better when I was working as I had to get up to go to work now I have no real reason to get up if I don't wnat to. I used to be so confident and up for anything and now I agonize over every decision and event. I hate it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bonkers101 Posted July 21, 2011 Report Share Posted July 21, 2011 Hey It sounds like you need to feel busy and working on projects of some sort is good for you? I know this might be the last thing you want to hear, but would you consider exploring some area of fitness or sport? Its something that has helped me enormously and gives me something to focus on. Even if you don't want to go to a gym or train outside, there are some really good fitness DVD's that you could do yourself at home. If you got some free weights you could do them too which would build your strength and fat burning also. Having said all that, when I am really down I find it hard to motivate myself and I haven't been to gym for a couple of weeks! I hope you find some solace whatever you do x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blackdagger82 Posted July 21, 2011 Author Report Share Posted July 21, 2011 Hey Bonkers You are right, I need to feel busy and have projects on the go, growing up my nana would never let us sit and do nothing, even watching a movie or TV we would be doing something (usually crochet, cross stitch or similar). Also I feel the need to keep my mind busy otherwise I agonize over things I have no control over. I am currently working on a project which is a complete programme for PSHE and Citizenship for secondary schools. Its something that I have tried working on for a long time but actually lesson planning got in the way. This also cold help me in interviews for a new job (i hope). I have got a couple of workout DVD's but as you say finding the motivation to do it is hard. I think that part of hte reason that I went into teaching was for the routine of it and the academic challenge, so I am considering sortingo out some sort of timetable or routine for whilst i am off work and incluse the workout on that. I need to do something as I have put on 4kg in the last 2 months and I really don't like it as I know I am eating due to boredom rather then being hungry or needing to and it is all biscuits and stuff rather then healthy stuff. I have to get myself sorted as I can't keep going on this way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bonkers101 Posted July 21, 2011 Report Share Posted July 21, 2011 Thats pretty cool you have a work related project to get your teeth into - if you try and make progress with that (even if its a little progress every day) it will do wonders for you. I got a diary at the start of this year and have tried to plot out my days with things I need to do - I have been a bit rubbish most of the time and don't stick to it all the time, but it has really helped me track progress with things and give me a sense of purpose. Having said all that, its always easier to give advice than take it yourself!! I hope you do well with your project and let us know how it goes x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blackdagger82 Posted July 21, 2011 Author Report Share Posted July 21, 2011 I will Bonkers. So far I have finished the outline for Key Stage 3 and jsut starting on Key STage 4. once I have completed the outline I am going to send it to a couple of friends hopefully for htem to give me feedback on it before I start on the module packs. I really do enjoythe planning element of teaching (sad I know) especially when I can put all the active learning ideas into it and be really creative. I just hope that I can get it into schools and test it. I have also applied for a couple more jobs today, so although I have an interview in August I am not holding my breath on relying on getting it. I jsut have to keep myself busy and my mind occupied I guess. I can't stand not being challenged. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bonkers101 Posted July 22, 2011 Report Share Posted July 22, 2011 Good stuff You have got lots done! I am not a teacher but if I was, I would probably get into the planning side of things just like you. Hope you have a nice weekend :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lonelyheartemma Posted July 22, 2011 Report Share Posted July 22, 2011 BD I would be happy to help you with your project if theres anything i can do, it sounds like a great idea. will you tell ppl about it in your interview? it shows how passionate you are and that will make you stand out Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blackdagger82 Posted July 22, 2011 Author Report Share Posted July 22, 2011 Thanks Emma and Bonkers Emma, I would really like to send it to you, to see if what I am saying make sense. There are lots of people who teach PSHE but very few who are trained and I really think that its as important as any other subject taught in schools, which is why I have done it. I would like to get it finished for the interview on the 4th so that I have something to show them rather then just talk about. just wish I had a few more interviews Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bonkers101 Posted July 22, 2011 Report Share Posted July 22, 2011 Well it sounds like you have plenty of material to discuss at your upcoming interview - I think you will do really well if you really focus. From the outside looking in, you seem very dedicated and are putting a big effort into what you are doing. You probably don't realise it but because this means so much to you, you will probably come across better than the other candidates. Either way, if this particular interview doesn't go your way, you have a lot of preparation done for the next one. Love Bonkers x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blackdagger82 Posted July 22, 2011 Author Report Share Posted July 22, 2011 Thanks Bonkers Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lonelyheartemma Posted July 22, 2011 Report Share Posted July 22, 2011 you know my email address BD, send it whenever your ready, i'll be happy to do anything i can :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blackdagger82 Posted July 23, 2011 Author Report Share Posted July 23, 2011 Thanks Emma I have nearly finsihed the KS3 stuff so will send you that. Thanks you soooooo much BD xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ianp1951 Posted July 28, 2011 Report Share Posted July 28, 2011 Hi BD, Reading your first post banged on so many drums as far as I am concerned.I have the same worries and when I go to bed I can quite easily spend 3-4 hours mulling things over in my head.Eventually I decided that I had to do something for myself during the day(diagnosed major depression) as I am stuck indoors all day- no car and few friends. I took the decision to follow recipes as I used to love cooking and I make it a daily routine to trey to prepare some new dish that I have never attempted.It gives me the reason to get up and motivate me for the day.Also I have started to collect,make and paint models(Games Workshop) as my best friends son collects them.It is nice to make and paint one and then get his expert opinion on my efforts. Just a couple of ideas as I feel for you with the anxiety and struggle to live an ordinary life. Take care and hope things improve Ian Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blackdagger82 Posted July 28, 2011 Author Report Share Posted July 28, 2011 Thanks Ian I used to love cooking and baking as well, but living alone I have no one to eat it and haven't quite figured the whole cooking for one thing. I am trying to get out hte flat for at least an hour a day to just get some fresh air, usually just walk in the park and then go home again which is nice but I am not really someone who walks without a purpose to be honest. Most of my time at the moment is trying to find a new job (not to much luck however)and finishing this project I have been working on. I have been reading a lot as well, going back over books I haven't read in ages before I sell them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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