A General Outline... Treatments?

[cj_89]

This is going to be quite a long post, I've never used a forum like this, I used to write my thoughts and feelings down when I was younger and it, to an extent helped me. I hope this has a similar effect. Hearing from people who may have similar thoughts feelings and how they manage them seems like a good way to start

So, I guess I should start with the reason I've brought myself to the website today.... A LOT has happened over the last few months, a lot of it may seem quite minor in comparison to some peoples problems which I realise, I sometimes try to compare my own issues with others; count my blessings as it were but well, it's easier said than done.

Last night, I went out to Manchester with some friends (I do that sometimes, I become quite impulsive when I'm in a rut, I think to myself that going out, forgetting everything will make me better. It doesn't work and has got me into quite a lot of debt.) One of the pro's of going was that my "best friend" was going to be there. There's a very long story with him, he gets quite down a lot too, reminds me a lot of myself when I was younger. I fell in love with him, cheated on my boyfriend with him. We get too involved with each other and I come to rely on him. I evaluate myself a lot, I have many attachment issues and put it down to the need to be loved, my best friend, to an extent provided that and was as insecure as me so we fuelled each other needs, tested each others insecurity's which in turn showed that we loved one another. we would make each other jealous by flaunting other friendships, that we don't need each other. This is not what I want. I do not want to be reliant on someone for my own sense of well being. I'm not entirely sure what was wrong last night, I think it's party that I see him as being happier. I went into a very down mood, naturally my "friend" tried to make me better, I continuously asked him to leave. Got someone to pick me up, tried to section myself, woke a lot of people up and now I feel a fool. Even writing these down makes it seem almost trivial. When I split with my boyfriend "he split with me" I was terrible, I drank a lot, tried to harm myself and could see the point in nothing. I cried, a lot, crying is something I find very difficult to do, I put this down to being a very withdrawn child, I choose not to show or experience my emotions to block other things out. I've been trying to evaluate myself a lot since these things have happened over the last few months and realise that the current situations is merely a repeat of what I've done in the past. The things I have listed aren't everything that has been going on, it's the things that are running though my mind at the minute, I'm feeling quite confused (the hangover doesn't help).

One thing I've considered is that the emotions involved in everything that's happened since sept. have been experienced, I haven't blocked them out like I have in the past, this has sent me into overload. I literally cannot cope with them. I go through stages where I motivate myself, tell myself that I NEED to do this to move on, to ultimately be happy. The next moment I will crash and not see the point in anything, not want to do anything, not want to be around people, just go. I think about suicide almost casually, a passing thought which in some ways comforts me. I've never had the brawl to seriously attempt it but I am getting closer and I don't like the thought or feeling of this.

I've had counselling in the past and am trying to arrange some more through my university. I'm beginning to realise that I have to address past problems in order to avoid them in the future. I came to uni last year to run away, it was a fresh start that got me away from everything, now I feel trapped and agitated. on the days when I am "motivated" I feel almost bi-polar, I'm figgity, hyperactive, over happy. It's all an act, everything is constantly an act, I fool myself and others into believing that I am blissfully happy. I don't want to do this.

I feel my main issues are routed in my childhood; I had no relationship with my mother, she was cold and not at all affectionate. There was no farther on the scene. I was a very disruptive child ultimately causing my mother to have a nervous break-down resulting in myself and my brother being placed into foster care. "brothers" I have two, my younger is quite well rounded, once I started to sort my issues out I took him under my wing, he had the affection from my mother and is now quite healthy. My elder brother.. I haven't spoken to in over two years, He's an alcoholic. In some ways I see him as my motivation to get away, I didn't want to end up like him. I blame him for a lot also; I spent 4-6 years of my teenage life smoking cannabis, this was on a daily basis and in large quantities. Despite the media's reviews I feel that cannabis does have severe mental affects. Another reason for my escape was my sexuality, I had my first homosexual experience at the age of 8. I've always known I was gay, after confiding in a friend she told everyone... to an 11 year old this is the end of the world. I hid it compleatley, denied it as a result I lost all of my self confidence, the years after that I smoked the drugs. I would sit in a large grou of people being scared to say anything, to have an opinion to form friendships. I was there to get high then I could go home and forget. Bizzarely being gay saved me yet now hinders me. I lost my sexual drive a long time ago, I've put this down to a few reasons, One; after years of having this big secret and a very powerful libido I found a guy on-line and arranged to meet for sex, I was very nervous and lost my errection so allowed him to penetrate me, I didn't want to, it hurt and made me feel worthless yet I was too scared and did not have the confidence to tell him to stop. I wanted to please him in a sense. Now, I think I become anxious due to my first pubesant sexual experience being negative. I also feel this is linked to my attachment issues, I look at men for a relationship not sex, I want to be loved not pleasured. I tend to easily get a boyfriend, my "hyper excentric" personality attracts them. After a few months I start to feel insecure yet want to appear strong. This ultimately pushes them away.

I tell myself that I have to fix myself before I can have a healthy relationship but often I can't bare to be alone. I feel like I'm lost, wandering around aimlessly just wanting to be cared for, for someone to love me as much as I love them. though in cases where a guy does become infatuated completely it puts me off and I feel trapped. I think again this is why me and my "best friend" we're close, we constantly presented a challenge thus reasurring one another, that relationship is now over.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this "essay" I don't particularly feel relieved, still quite numb if I'm honest. I hope that being a member of this website will help me to move forward though. I feel I can be more honest than with friends, I don't have to put up the strong pretence. I also hope that being on here will allow me to help others, my "best friend" benefited from my experiences, I'd been through a lot of what he had, he always said that I could make him see sense like no one else, I hope that my coping strategies etc could help others in the same way that I hope others will help me.

Thankyou for reading this, I realise it was quite long and made little sense. but thanks :)

[lonelyheartemma]

Hi, welcome to the site, i'm glad youve found us and felt able to write down what youve been feeling. Dont worry if it seems like you havent been through as much as everyone else, you havent. depression and mental health problems are to do with the emotions you feel in response to things, not the things themselves. A lot of things in your life have obviously made you feel very unhappy and for that reason you need and deserve help just as much as anyone else.

Its good you are trying to arrange counselling, i hope you find it helpful. Are you on medication or have you tried any other type of therapy? There are so many different ways of helping and supporting people and you might want to try something 'stronger' than counselling. Counsellors listen and support but they don't usually have the knowledge of for example a psychologist or psychotherapist. I'm not saying don't see a counsellor but its often helpful to be aware of all the other options too.

you can be as honest as you need to on here and everyone is really understanding, there are always people who have gone through something similar to you.

[cj_89]

Hi, welcome to the site, i'm glad youve found us and felt able to write down what youve been feeling. Dont worry if it seems like you havent been through as much as everyone else, you havent. depression and mental health problems are to do with the emotions you feel in response to things, not the things themselves. A lot of things in your life have obviously made you feel very unhappy and for that reason you need and deserve help just as much as anyone else.

Its good you are trying to arrange counselling, i hope you find it helpful. Are you on medication or have you tried any other type of therapy? There are so many different ways of helping and supporting people and you might want to try something 'stronger' than counselling. Counsellors listen and support but they don't usually have the knowledge of for example a psychologist or psychotherapist. I'm not saying don't see a counsellor but its often helpful to be aware of all the other options too.

you can be as honest as you need to on here and everyone is really understanding, there are always people who have gone through something similar to you.

Thankyou I'm not on any medication, I try to take a more natural approach, In the past I was briefly on anti-depressants but found that they numbed me too much, how I see it.... my body got me into this state... my body can get me out of it, I can see the appeal for some people but they're just not for me. I think the uni counsellors will most likely have psychology based degrees opposed to the counselling qualifactions, I hope so anyway. I studied psych for a few years and can definitely see the benefits.

it seems like a great site, I've been reading through some of the forum posts, there's a lot of brilliant and I'd say brave people on here. A lot of inspirational stuff

[hummm_mabbe]

Hi there

I have had a lot of different therapies over the years. They all added something, though I have to say that the most recent one - schema therapy, combined with "Mindfulness" has been the most helpful. I think its good to just start somehwre, take what you can get, and just periodically review where you are. It used to be that I was staunchly cognitive-behavioural, but nowadays I see mental health issues as being about the whole person - emotions, body sensations, mind states, behaviours, relationships, emotional needs, the past, immediate environment, unconscious or unrecognised feelings, diet, biology, coping style and coping response, thoughts (including imagery, and recalled sound) and sleep. For me its been a case of working with each of these bits over the years, and in the last 3 years I was very much given to questioning even some of my deepest held values (much more than just core beliefs) about what is important, what will make me 'happy'.

So if counselling is whats being offered for now, take it. Its bound to have some impact on one of those areas, even if its just having the emotional need of being fully listened to met.

[cj_89]

Hi there

I have had a lot of different therapies over the years. They all added something, though I have to say that the most recent one - schema therapy, combined with "Mindfulness" has been the most helpful. I think its good to just start somehwre, take what you can get, and just periodically review where you are. It used to be that I was staunchly cognitive-behavioural, but nowadays I see mental health issues as being about the whole person - emotions, body sensations, mind states, behaviours, relationships, emotional needs, the past, immediate environment, unconscious or unrecognised feelings, diet, biology, coping style and coping response, thoughts (including imagery, and recalled sound) and sleep. For me its been a case of working with each of these bits over the years, and in the last 3 years I was very much given to questioning even some of my deepest held values (much more than just core beliefs) about what is important, what will make me 'happy'.

So if counselling is whats being offered for now, take it. Its bound to have some impact on one of those areas, even if its just having the emotional need of being fully listened to met.

I'm not familiar with the therapy's you mentioned, I'll google them in a minute I've been in counselling twice, the first I don't remember too much of but it helped, the second was psychodynamic, reviewing past etc and It helped no ends. I think you're definitely right about it being about the whole person, the past especially. I view my attachment issues, the need for a relationship as a problem with past, early r/ships "maternal working model" etc. these things can be fixed I also like to take a spiritual approach, meditation, contemplation etc. I'd like to learn more about some of the things you listed, it's quite intriguing