Eating Disorder?

[modelchik07]

so ive never been the overweight type more athletic im 5'4 and the most ive ever weighed is 130 tops all muscle. but i always felt that i wanted to be slimmer i just hated my muscles. so i would always eat little and stopped working out. i would just eat like half a meal a day or just snack on fruits throughout the day my work schedule was also very crazy. it got to the point where i just didnt get hungry somedays i would have to think if i even ate anything most of the time the answer was no. so i had to force myself to eat something. so in about a month in a half i went from 128-96 lbs. i lost weight like crazy and my co workers and friends were very concerned. i was too but at the same time i liked it. but then it got to the point where i would wake up some mornings completely sore and my hip started to hurt constantly. so my psychiatrist put me on something called remron for depression etc.he said it would also increase my appetite and help me gain weight. so within the first 6 days i went from 96-107 and i freaked out im not going to lie. i was afraid that if i gained that much weight that quick i would be a house in two months. that was about 4 months ago. its like i can never find the weight that im good with i either drastically lose weight or drastically gain. does anyone else have this problem?

[modelchik07]

i should also add. im not sure how much i weigh now im afraid to look at the scale i think that if i do im going to be disappointed and decide to not eat which isnt hard for me at all. its always easy for me to just stop eating bc ive done it so much since i was about twelve. i know that im a size 2/3 and i just feel disgusting. somedays i do purge because afterwards i feel so good its hard to explain. i think i do more of that when im having a down day. and i do that more bc its better than cutting myself and its not visible like my scars.so im feeling really anxious today. and trying not to give in or let myself fall back into the same place i was a few months ago. my question since i was about 12 is do i have an eating disorder or is it jus like bad eating habits?

[Lily-Bee]

It sounds like a tendency towards anorexia but its been on and off?? So though not good,a problem indeed, it seems you never developed it into true anorexia if you know what I mean. No matter the label though I do think its more then bad eating habits and maybe something to talk about with someone.

[modelchik07]

i tried talking to me therapist a while back but he like kept blowing it off. idk he said that i was losing weight bc of stress, and depression etc. but i knew it was more than that. i just couldnt explain it to him right i guess. i know for sure when i was younger it was pressure to be thin bc i ran track like nobodys business and then i started modeling then i joined the navy now im back to modeling i guess i was always in the position where i felt like i had to be a certain size to get by so my weight and what i ate was always in the back of my mind.so i got used to not being hungry at all but at the same time i wasnt afraid to eat every now and then i just couldnt. idk if tha makes any sense.