Something Very Personal - May Be Triggering

[manja.]

I wanted to share the below with you. i do a lot of writing, but it is what i wrote the night i took my last overdose (almost four weeks ago).

i turned a corner that night. that night i decided to do anything possible to survive this, and i decided that i won't ever kill myself. that i am going to get through this, no matter how hard it is, no matter how much it hurts.

that's not saying i haven't wanted to do stupid things since. i have been plagued by suicidal thoughts, and thoughts of wanting to harm myself. but i am trying to stay strong, and i read the below as often as i can to remind myself of how much i need to fight to get well.

i don't know why i am sharing. i guess i use it to inspire me when times are tough, and i've no idea if there is anything in it that would inspire anyone else but i'm sharing it with you just in case x

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Today I took an overdose of 24 paracetomol. Right now, I am awake at after 1.30am not because I can’t sleep but because I keep being sick. How on earth did I think I could take lots more tablets, and keep quiet, and not tell anyone, while they killed my insides?

It is my sixth overdose this year, of varying degrees, and my fourth in about three weeks, and I think my most serious. Thankfully it doesn’t appear to have affected my liver, nor done me any other permanent damage. I say thankfully, even though it was only at just before 9am this morning I got the results of my blood test from my last overdose a couple of weeks ago, and was told that everything was fine, and deeply regretted not doing myself any damage. Yet now I’m saying thankfully I have not done myself any damage with this afternoon’s paracetomol overdose. It’s been a day of scary emotions and I’ve changed my tune. I have spent most of this year, desperately wanting to kill myself, yet I now realise that I don’t have it in me to commit suicide. I realised this evening that I don’t want to die. I have said numerous times (mostly either in writing, or to my CPN who is the only one who I trust to tell all the horrible stuff inside my head) that I want to die, but I was wrong – I didn’t. I just wanted to stop feeling like I did. But more than anything I want to live. I just felt so very defeated that I thought that the only way to stop feeling as horrible and messed up as I did was to die. I could see no light at the end of the tunnel, no way of ever feeling better, or even feeling any way normal again, so I thought that the only way to stop feeling like I did was to die.

Somehow in the midst of all I was feeling I forgot how strong I was. Somehow I forgot how I have spent so long fighting to survive, to be happy, to beat the fuckers who messed me up. I spent so long fighting to make a good life for myself despite the horrible time that I had growing up. Somehow because I was feeling so downright awful I thought I was willing to give up on all of that. I’m not, and I never will be.

There truly is a difference between wanting to stop feeling so horrible and so terrified inside, and wanting to die. Having such scary thoughts of wanting to do the things I’ve wanted to do to myself is very scary, but actually carrying them out is even scarier. And I scared myself. Yes that’s a lot of scariness. I didn’t actually think I was going to die. Not with 24 paracetomol that I’d decided to tell someone about in less than an hour. But I was terrified all the same. One of the most terrifying things I’ve ever experienced is not only being my own worst enemy, but being so bloody scared of myself, and so unable to keep myself safe from me. Especially when I’ve got to live with me 24 hours a day.

(Excuse me, I just went and got violently sick again.) I feel like my insides are being ripped out. I hope I never forget how bad I’m feeling right now. Even if it’s just to stop me doing something so stupid again. I am not naïve enough to think that there won’t come a time when I am feeling so desperate that I will think that I feel worse than I do now. But this is the page I need to come back to and see that no it doesn’t feel this bad. Physically I feel pure crap. Mentally I feel exhausted and petrified. Terrified of myself and what I could’ve done. Nothing compared to what I felt when I wanted to do this. Whatever I feel again, I can get through it. I only got so worked up because I thought I couldn’t do it all anymore. And I kept getting told (or thinking) that I had no choice but to keep going. But having no choice is one of the worst reasons to keep going. Because keeping going is bloody hard work. I have learnt, and am continuing to learn, just how hard work waking up each day, getting dressed, and going about my day, really is.

But I am making a choice right here, right now. I do have a choice. My CPN said suicide wasn’t an option. It is an option, it is a choice, and I choose not to do it. I choose not to take my own life – ever. And I’m not doing it for my CPN, I’m not doing it for my family, my friends or my colleagues. I’m not doing it for anyone but me.

And for that little girl with the drunken mother, with the abuser doing all the horrible stuff, the little girl who tried so hard to make friends, to fit in, and to be like everyone else. Who didn’t fit in, but tried so hard to be happy. Studied, worked, escaped the poverty trap, made a good life for herself, and worked so hard to escape the shit times and the bad stuff in her head. She realised that she couldn’t escape it, that it was still there affecting her every day life, and she broke down and thought she couldn’t go on any more. But she can and she will.

That is me and I have worked too hard to give up.

I AM DOING THIS FOR ME. No matter how hard it gets, no matter how much it hurts, I ‘m going to stick it out. I will do my best to accept things just as they are. To accept that I might never be the person I want to be. I might be always a bit mentally unwell. But that I can overcome it to live a happy life.

I’m saying all this and a part of me is laughing at how stupid it all sounds. It sounds ridiculous to me. And I know that I will want to give up again. But I can’t. not only do I not have it in me, but I don’t want to. I can’t let this beat me. It hurts like hell, and I’ll want to give up, but I am choosing not to. Right here, right now. And I kept saying that the things in my head, I kept saying the same stuff over and over, and everyone would get sick of me saying them, and what was the point in saying the same shit over and over again. Well let’s try to say the good stuff over and over again. I am strong and I will fight this, no matter how hard it gets, and no matter how much it hurts.

I want to say ‘the little girl who all the horrible stuff happened to deserves to live and to be happy. She doesn’t deserve to die’. And I am saying that, but it doesn’t stop it being so incredibly painful when I say things like that. It all feels so raw. Yes, it’s true, I haven’t talked about the really bad stuff, but I have started to understand why I’m the way I am, and it does hurt like hell. And I keep feeling like I would do anything to escape it. But I will escape it not by killing myself, not by running away from it, but by facing up to it, facing it head on.

I don’t even know how to do that. I know a few things. I know that I have a fantastic support team around me. I know that all I need to do is keep myself safe – that will be half the battle. I know that I need to accept things as they are. I can’t change the way things are, but I can accept them, and accept how I feel, and the way I am. I know that I deserve to live. And I know that somewhere deep inside me I have the strength to keep going.

I discredited the strength I had when I was small. I thought that it was no big deal that I got through it just because there was no alternative. But there was an alternative. The kind of things I experienced were enough to proper mess someone up. I thought I was proper messed up now. But I could’ve easily went proper off the rails, completely went crazy back then, not being able to keep going and act normal each day back then (instead of being like that now). Instead I got my head down, studied hard, worked hard, got a degree, bought a house (even if it was a terrible financial decision), got a good job and emigrated to follow her dreams. That was no small thing for someone who went through all I did. And I deserve to give myself credit for it.

And you know what? so what if I’m crumbling now. Because I spent long enough struggling to keep it together. I can’t do it anymore. But not being able to keep it together anymore is not the same thing as not being able to stay alive anymore.

I am saying it right now. I am a mess emotionally. I just can’t handle difficult emotions. I feel like a worthless piece of crap. I feel completely unlovable. I feel completely incompetent at everything. I hate myself. Every bit of me. I feel like a complete failure. I don’t feel I am good enough for anyone. I hate what I’ve put other people through just by existing. I don’t know what else to say. There’s so much that I could say but I don’t even know how to describe how I feel about me and what I am.

I said that I will fight this no matter how hard it get, or how much it hurts. But what I keep needing to remind myself is that I’m fighting the urge to hurt myself badly, but I also need to just accept things as they are. I need to accept being unwell. Because I can’t change it, so let’s not fight it. By accepting it and facing it no matter how hard it gets or how much it hurts I don’t know what I have ahead of me, and I’m still terrified. I’m not going to deny that at all.

There is still a huge part of me that is thinking ‘honestly what kind of nonsense are you writing at 2.30am in the morning. What a load of crap’. being honest, the part of me that is saying all this positive stuff might seem loud right now because it’s the one who’s speaking but in reality it is the smallest part of me, a tiny voice, but it’s fighting to be heard.

I can do this. I will do this. I deserve to live, and I will live. I choose to live. For me, not for anyone else. I don’t know what else to say. But I am not going to give up. I am going to print this out. I am going to put it in my folder, and I will keep writing about difficult stuff. I will share it with those who it will make a difference to in helping understand me. I could feel completely different tomorrow, but there will still be at least this small part of me that feels this way. And I am going to try very hard to make that a big part of me.

I don’t know what else to say. My head hurts, I feel ill, and I want to get sick again. I am absolutely exhausted, completely drained.

I am going to give in to sleep now. Tomorrow is a new day. And I am going to do what I can to make it a better day than I expected it to be, given what today was, and given how ill I am right now.

I am going to come out the other side. And I don’t know how yet, but somehow I am going to do what I can to make things better for others – whether it’s abuse survivors, those with mothers who mess them up, or simply those who are mentally unwell. I am going to use my experiences to benefit others, somehow.

And I hope more than anything I never forget what I have written tonight

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ps some of the lines, reading back over them now, don't make complete sense to me, but i didn't want to edit it, wanted to keep it just as i wrote that night x

[snowman]

Thank you for sharing something so personal. Very strong and brave. I hope it helps you

[CrippleAndStarfish]

Wow, sweetie.

This was hard to read, am choking up here hun... Would say I can't imagine how that night must have felt, but that wouldn't be the truth. I know, certainly know my own version of it.

The pain, the fear, you were experiencing is so obvious, but despite all that hun, your strength really does shine through.

Am so proud of you for this, and so proud of you for sharing - know that must have been a big step. So much pain, hun, but please know that goodness can and will follow. You CAN beat this, and i'm with you for as much of the journey as i can be, cheering you on.

I'm just waffling, sorry hun, got my words all lost and jumbled. Just so, so pleased to read this, to see that the flames in your belly are burning bright again. You are a fighter, and this piece shows your determination, and i have no doubts that you will get to where you want to be.

xxxxx

[Honeyflower]

manja-I think sharing with us is very brave of you and i thank you for that,You are very honest in what you have written,It shows every piece of your emotions and i admit it did make me cry.again ty for sharing with us.xxx

[catsmother21]

Thank you for sharing that Manja - I think you have been very brave and I hope too that you never forget what you wrote that night xxxx

[abstract312]

And you're gonna make it cos you have what it takes to make it. You have the guts, intelligence, strength. But most importantly you know yourself so well that I felt simply stunned reading your post, through all the suffering you really got to know yourself,and to understand your behaviors, your feelings. Majority of people cannot understand why they do this or that, why they feel this or that way. That's why you can't fit in and are different from others, you strive to understand yourself and to know what life is and then to use that experience to help others. And that's amazing if you ask me ;)

[manja.]

stunned by you all. almost speechless right now don't know what else to say but i am touched by your responses. thank you xxxx

[lonelyheartemma]

Thats just... amazing. You have so much strength, courage, honesty, intelligence, and lots of other big words i can't quite remember because i am so blown away by how amazing and inspiring this it. It makes me want to fight for myself too.

btw i could understand it so well. I've never seen depression, suicidal feelings etc described so well. I dont know where you found the words but i'm glad you did and so glad it helped you. I also wish it was possible to give more than one + point.

[manja.]

Thats just... amazing. You have so much strength, courage, honesty, intelligence, and lots of other big words i can't quite remember because i am so blown away by how amazing and inspiring this it. It makes me want to fight for myself too.

btw i could understand it so well. I've never seen depression, suicidal feelings etc described so well. I dont know where you found the words but i'm glad you did and so glad it helped you. I also wish it was possible to give more than one + point.

aw hun i've been getting closer with each response, but you've finally broken me down. thank you so much xxxx

[SilverRaven]

you are brave and strong and all sorts of wonderful things. thank you for sharing this. thank you so much. I'm proud of you.

[BlueBells]

sounds like you have made some really positive choices, thankyou for sharing, you have come a long long way. (((manja)))

[manja.]

oh and as for this post.... says it all really about who she is doesn't it!!! and as for what she's doing now... proves it ALL!!!

[manja.]

oh and as for this post.... says it all really about who she is doesn't it!!! and as for what she's doing now... proves it ALL!!!

Please ignore that. It was a bad time. Amanda.

[manja.]

When I wrote what I wrote in this post, I was determined never to od again. I meant it fully. I have taken two overdoses since - one very small, and one not so small, but didn't seem to do any damage thankfully.

But I was definitely determined not to od on paracetomol again, after it made me so sick.

Until friday, even though nothing particularly bad has happened.

I am so determined to keep fighting, yet going into the shops and buying paracetomol with the intention of od-ing seemed like such a natural thing to do, and I don't even know my reasons, and I don't know if I can stop myself.

I wish I knew my reasons why I want to, why it feels like a natural thing to do.

But I don't know my reasons, and I don't want to be struggling with this but I am.

[liz3939]

I admire you, Manja.... maybe you buy the paracetomol because you got used to play it safe. You know you won't hurt yourself that much with it... but try to stop it, try to look for an alternative... sometimes I know it's hard sometimes it could be impossible but if you like to write, then write what you feel and imagine you are telling your best friend what is crossing your mind or imagine you are trying to help somebody that is falling into that habit over and over.

I know you'll overcome all these moments, I know you'll do it.

Hugssssssssssssssss

[manja.]

Thanks. xx

I hate when stupid things feel like the most natural thing to do but I don't even know why x

[lonelyheartemma]

maybe its not a stupid thing. if you don't like something and you can't change it often the most sensible and natural thing to do is to get away from the thing you dont like. but if you don't like something like being alive or being yourself its more difficult because getting away from life is so final

[manja.]

In addition to sharing this writing here, I shared it on a couple of places online (facebook groups and stuff) and it seemed to be helping people, so guess what.... I emailed it to mind as a pdf attachment, and asked if they would be interested in publishing it in the hope that it might help some other people. Nothing might come of it, but I really do want to make a difference, so I thought it was worth a try xx

PS big big thanks to Crippie and neverwhere for giving me the encouragement and confidence to do that xx

[pepsimeg]

well done you are very brave, you can make it i know you can.

its hard to break habits like od ing but you know u want too and so u will xxx

also i hope they publish the letter for you

keep fighting, i will put my boxing gloves on and join you

emogirl xx

[manja.]

thanks so much Emogirl

I've no idea if Mind or any other charity will be interested, but my counsellor and cpn are both interested in sharing with other users, and it means so much to me that it'll be helping other people. I posted it on a facebook group last night, and a girl even said that her best friend had overdosed a few days ago and reading this had given her such a better understanding of why someone would do that. I like that we can make a difference to people in these small ways x

[Carol-E]

Well Done Manja. Writing that is very brave. Thank you. xXx

[OrangeLamp]

I read this when I feel the same. Seeing your strength really helps me get through sometimes. You really are a strong person and for that I really respect you.

Hope you're ok.

[manja.]

One year on http://beautyfrompainblog.com/2012/07/07/one-year-on/