Going To The Doctors

[CrippleAndStarfish]

Hey again BH,

With regards to telling your mum, have you considered maybe printing off this topic, the post you made here, and letting her read it? I think it's articulate, and might be a good way to ease you and your mum into a conversation about how you're feeling, explaining that you're planning on going to the doctors to ask for some support with it....

The one thing I'd suggest is to try to pick a time when both you and your mum are relaxed, and ask her if you're okay to talk about something, as if your mum is rushing around like a blue-arsed fly, it might be harder for her to pay attention and to take it all in.....

I know that was often the case with my mum - i'd work myself up in such a state, wondering how i should let her know i was feeling crap, what to say, when to say it, that i'd end up in a right tizzy and usually end up bellowing "YOU'RE NOT FKING HELPING, MOTHER! CAN'T YOU SEE HOW MUCH I'M STRUGGLING?!" to which i'd get the whole startled fish-mouth expression off her as my paddy came from seemingly nowhere, and she'd mutter something like "but... i... i only asked you to pass me your bowl...."

That kind of "conversation" is best avoided

xx

[BigHeight]

I'm just really not sure how she'd take it or what she'd say. I think i'll just say 'mum can i talk to you about something' and then see how it goes from there, only when the time is right. I wouldn't wanna print this off, just because i she may be annoyed i wrote it online? I don't know. she isn't a bad person atall i just overthink everything xxx

[CrippleAndStarfish]

Your mum doesn't sound like a bad person, don't worry about making her sound like that.

I understand your worries over how she might react....

Speaking from a mum's point of view (i've got a 4 year old boy), our children are our babies, regardless of how old they are, and (most!!) mum's can't stand the thought of our kids hurting, our first thoughts are "oh my god, my baby is hurting. i must fix this! i must make it better!". If we can't, then it often leaves us feeling guilty, stressed, and a bit useless.

I know it's different, but my little lad fell over about a year ago and bust his lip pretty badly.

He just kept crying at me "mummy, mummy, it hurts! please stop it! please kiss it better! it hurts, mummy!" and I swear my heart broke all over again with each sob, knowing that there was nothing I could do to take his hurt away, that I was so limited in what I could do to ease it.

I was furious with myself for not seeing it coming, for not realising that the pavement was uneven, for not seeing that risk.

And I felt so useless, all I could do was sit and hold a cool pack to his lip and wait for the bleeding to stop, hugging him to me and stroking his hair, until the pain eased a little and he stopped sobbing....

I couldn't fix it, I couldn't make it better, regardless of how much I wished that I could, how hard I tried, I couldn't stop him hurting.

My relationship with my mum is pretty screwed up, but a few weeks ago, i asked her what she felt, when she first found out just how severely depressed I was. She told me that she was shocked, and that she just wanted to make it go away, wanted to make me better, but she had no idea how to, and that made her angry. All I saw was the anger - I didn't know that it was born of her pain and frustration at being unable to fix it. At the time, it really, really hurt me. Now, I can see that there was more going on than what showed on the surface.

Sorry, I know that this reply is really rambly and long, but I hope that it's something that you're able to bear in mind if you do decide to let your mum know how you're feeling.

xxx

[BigHeight]

Thanks for that Crippie, and i do understand what your saying. But being me, and knowing how i feel i can't do it. It's more ontop of her already working, and whatever else she has going on. I'm definetley ringing for a docs appointment on monday, just to sort this out once and for all. I'm not telling my mum, it's the decision i've made. Simply because i know and think she won't know what to say etc.

But, today when i thought things were picking up i fell again today, back to the depression. And i can't stand feeling this way it's killing me inside it really is, the feelings, the emotions, all of it.