stevepee Posted August 18, 2011 Report Share Posted August 18, 2011 I have basically had enough now. I am not attention seeking in any form....just interested in others opinions. Got so wound up and unhappy this morning, I wanted to die. I have drank a small bottle of whiskey. I'm just thinking now, that to solve this problem I should kill myself. It seems like a sensible thing to do, that way i want be upset anymore, and I wont keep making mistakes. Its a cure. I know im depressed, but I really dont see any happy future for myself anymore. This solution would cure everything. I have a kind heart, but I've done some bad things, and to prevent futher pain to myself and other people, this could be a sensible solution. However, my Mum and Dad love me, and it wouldn't be fair to them. It would ruin their lives. So I have to stay alive. Other than suicide....I dont know what else to do. Have other people felt like this and how have they got over it so that they can think normally again? I'm just being honest with my thoughts....... I dont hate myself or anything like that...just want to end it. Is this a common feeling among depressed people? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
walker Posted August 18, 2011 Report Share Posted August 18, 2011 understand, been there, like it is the only - 'obvious' door its not a cure its avoidance it causes untold damage to those left behind and very very often to those who attempt and fail but it is TOTALLY understandable things will not remain the same you have a pdoc appt coming up tell him you NEED someone to talk to keep posting here write walk whatver xxxxxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Villan Posted August 18, 2011 Report Share Posted August 18, 2011 i dont think yuo want to die, i think yuo want the pain to stop and you cant see any other way of that happening atm... and that is a very common feeling - well to me it is anyways ! i know it isnt everyones "thing" but have yuo heard of or tried mindfulness at all ? or any of the "now" stuff the eckhart tolle did...? that's what really helped me and i am now med and therapy free and "reasonably" stable, although i still have urges to sh and sui thoughts, i am better equipped to kinda handle them... and also FIGHT for help, sadly that's what we gotta do... to get help that we deserve and are entitled to... present yuorself at yuor worst at any appointment helps, look a lil skanky if you can rather than being all spruced up ! also what helps is making a "crisis box" or having a "crisis plan" - have yuo heard about them things at all ? dunno if any of that helps you at all... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stevepee Posted August 18, 2011 Author Report Share Posted August 18, 2011 I have told the doctor I sometimes feel like this . Maybe its the whiskey...i will wait for it to wear off before I make the decision, I know its avoidance, thats is true. But I cant continue with this mental pain. Its the same as drinking, or talking drugs,,,its just more perminant. I dont want to be selfish here....maybe that thought is the last shred of sanity I've got. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stevepee Posted August 18, 2011 Author Report Share Posted August 18, 2011 If you fight for help you have a desire to fight for a future. I'm not looking forward to my future. It contains bleakness and unhappy dark feelings. If I continue to live...I am instore for all this. I cannot expalin my feeling. I have failed ultimately, not in an egocentric way. I cant see any other solution, it doesnt worry me to die anymore...I used to be scared,but now it seems like a sensible thing to do. It wouldnt be fair on my familly, so maybe I'm not suicidal....but what else can I do? I'd like to wipe my head clean. Am I suicidal or is this just suicidal thoughts? I dont know. Im certainly not acting on the thoughts at the moment, buts its a definat option and a desirable one to me. Maybe I should keep drinking. I suppose thats a sensible compromise.Death isnt fair others like walker said. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stevepee Posted August 18, 2011 Author Report Share Posted August 18, 2011 Another thing....many people on here have bad mental health problems, and they have relatioships,husbands, wifes. I can have someone love me competely, and have all the future that it promises, and I can detroy it. I destroy every thing good I have ever had in my life. So what really is the point? I simply cannot face this anymore. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
walker Posted August 18, 2011 Report Share Posted August 18, 2011 it doesnt matter if you are doing/thinking you are in a real SHIT place right now and need support getting into a pattern of 'numbing' it is very compulsive and addictive but it makes 'feeling' the pain harder and more intense allowing it to 'be' is agony but it will get less please try calling a mh helpline if you have one, or samaritans there are many people out there who can listen - talking CAN lighten the heavy burden sometimes if you say where you are in uk (county only) perhaps one of us can find some numbers for you xxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stevepee Posted August 18, 2011 Author Report Share Posted August 18, 2011 I dont really understand what people can do for me now. I can talk to people, but it doesnt seem to influence me. I know i've ruined my life now. I really have ruined it completly, and I dont see any fix. I know i can feel depressed for a few years and then maybe be ok, but i dont really fancy that. I honestly feel no urge to seek help. I am in west lancashire, I dont know if there is any support here. I am just going to lie here for a few hours and think this through. Maybe I will be ok and just snap out of this. Its not something I am going to act on soon, Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Toxie Posted August 18, 2011 Report Share Posted August 18, 2011 I was in a similar state yesterday - not quite as bad though - I called NHS 24 and the nurse I spoke to was actually helpful, she helped me calm down and listened to me, she also seemed to know what she was talking about so If youre not into the whole "helpline" thing like me, give nhs 24 a go. Even if it makes you a bit more stable for a few hours its better than this. If you can, go to A&E, they are not always unhelpful, I'd write down a brief description of how bad you are and hand it over rather than telling them - thats just me though, I'm paranoid about other people hearing me say im mentally ill. Even if it just gets you out of the house, away from the whiskey, away from sharp objects etc. Good Luck and try to be strong x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stevepee Posted August 18, 2011 Author Report Share Posted August 18, 2011 Hopefully this is just an alcohol related incident.Every time I drink,I decide to kill myself. I will wait to the drink wears off. No need to rush. Im the mean time I have taken 3 co-codamol 8-500. Hopefully not enough to kill me, just want to numb myself...i'd take more if I could but might od..so I suppose that is a good sign that I'm not taking more Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catsmother21 Posted August 18, 2011 Report Share Posted August 18, 2011 Hi Steve You could google and see what support is available in your area. I think it's a good idea to wait for the alcohol to wear off and please don't take anymore co-codamol. Hope you feel a bit better and calmer soon. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
walker Posted August 18, 2011 Report Share Posted August 18, 2011 http://www.lancs-mentalhealthhelpline.nhs.uk/ worth trying in a couple of hours xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stevepee Posted August 18, 2011 Author Report Share Posted August 18, 2011 Maybe I will ring them. I dont feel panicy at all enought to ask for help. Just a total acceptance. I wish not to alarm people....im just mulling this through...im struggling to cope with the truth....but for the mean time will hang on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stevepee Posted August 18, 2011 Author Report Share Posted August 18, 2011 I feel much better now. I do not know why i sometimes feel this way. I havnt felt well for a month...but today...i was at an all time low. I used to feer dying, but quite often frequently, I have wanted it. Its selfish in many ways. I hope this phase passes soon, but i part of my has stopped caring Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Myla Posted August 18, 2011 Report Share Posted August 18, 2011 Glad you feeling better now. If it's any consolation, I've been there (and still go there). I avoid all alcohol now because it makes everything worse for me - even a small amount . If I'm having suicidal thoughts that I think I might act on but want to live I ring the Samaritans or NHS Direct. If I'm suicidal but want to die I try to go to sleep (using zopiclone or diazepam if necessary) in the hope that it'll be less bleak when I wake up. Sometimes we just have to keep fighting. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stevepee Posted August 18, 2011 Author Report Share Posted August 18, 2011 They wont give me zopiclone anymore. I was making my life better. without it, i dont sleep as well and feel more depressed Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Myla Posted August 18, 2011 Report Share Posted August 18, 2011 They wont give me zopiclone anymore. I was making my life better. without it, i dont sleep as well and feel more depressed Sympathies. Have you told your gp about your sleep problems? As lack of sleep can make the depression worse might they consider a short course of zopiclone or similar to try to get your sleep back on track? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catsmother21 Posted August 18, 2011 Report Share Posted August 18, 2011 So pleased to hear that you are feeling better now :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stevepee Posted August 19, 2011 Author Report Share Posted August 19, 2011 short causes yes...ive had them. Then the problem comes back. It is ocd related and had destroyed my life so far. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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