MIRIL Posted August 23, 2011 Report Share Posted August 23, 2011 I'm new here, so I hope I post this in the right place... Just need to share... These past few days I'm feeling that overwhelming pain and sadness, I haven't felt in years. 8 yrs ago, after a long depression I started with pills which I ended up taking for 5 yrs. they helped and until this last week I haven't felt so much pain and sadness. the "funny" thing is that a month ago i thought to myself that I am so far from where I was 10 yrs ago, that it's hard for me to even remember the intensity of the pain and how much I suffered. I basically thought that it's hard for me to even relate to the way I felt 10 yrs ago – and now "suddenlly" got a reminder (thnks to a trigger though nothing new that I didn't handle b4). So sick of that (already). What is wrong with me? (PS sorry for my english, obviously it's not my first language...) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lonelyheartemma Posted August 23, 2011 Report Share Posted August 23, 2011 Welcome to the site I'm sorry youve been feeling like this. Its great youve managed so well for so long. maybe its the trigger that upset you, when i'm triggered it can take me a few days to get back to normal even though for me normal is depressed. hopefully in a few more days you will feel ok again. if not maybe you could go back to the doctor again, if the pills helped you before they might help you again. this is a very friendly site, i'm sure youll get lots of support here Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MIRIL Posted August 23, 2011 Author Report Share Posted August 23, 2011 thanks for your words. you made me think of the situation in a different way. maybe it is a matter of days. usually, for me, triggers cause a panic attack and that goes away during the day, but this past week kinda brought back all the stuff I used to feel in my "bad years". the pills helped in the past but they came with a price that i'm not willing to pay again, so I hope I'll manage to keep myself floating (and not sinking into this hole of pain). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MIRIL Posted August 24, 2011 Author Report Share Posted August 24, 2011 bad night, bad morning just hate myself. why am i like this!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wallflower Posted August 24, 2011 Report Share Posted August 24, 2011 Welcome to the site! I hope you find it useful I'm sorry you're having a rough time! You've done well so far and you can continue doing better. Its probably the trigger thats knocked you, like Emma said. Hopefully in a few days it will all get better. But in the mean time chin up! It does get better Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MIRIL Posted August 24, 2011 Author Report Share Posted August 24, 2011 i do appreciate you taking the time to write this kind words. thank you! i think my family have just had enough with me, and basically they're just ignoring me now (which kinda sucks). i guess i should expect that after driving them crazy again and again over the years - and i understand them on a certain level. in order not to feel bad\ guilty about the way i make them feel, i tell myself that all the depression and anxiety i'v experienced during my life till present day actually come from them... i know it's probably the wrong thing to do, but i can't help blaming shitty genetics & the bad environment they created over the years. i know that as a grown up i should own my behaviour, but every now and then i can't help but blame them for me being so damaged. not everyone should have kids. thay should'nt have... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lonelyheartemma Posted August 24, 2011 Report Share Posted August 24, 2011 if you grew up in a bad enviroment if probably is your parents fault. Parents can have such a big effect on you, no matter how they treat you they are very important in your life as you grow up. some people would say its not healthy to blame other people but i'm not sure. sometimes its easier to accept the bad things in your life if you can say 'I feel bad because of this' and its like youve got a valid reason for having depression. like you say it gets rid of some of the guilt feeling that only makes things worse. blaming other people is probably only a really big problem if you are like focusing all your energy on blaming someone and its making you worse or holding you back from from getting better. if its every now and then i think its ok. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MIRIL Posted August 24, 2011 Author Report Share Posted August 24, 2011 interesting distinction you did - and i will embrace it. it's o.k. to blame others (to a certain degree) if it has some sort of healing purpse (getting rid of guilt). on the opposing side, focusing on the blame can hold you back from getting better - which isn't good. very wise! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wallflower Posted August 24, 2011 Report Share Posted August 24, 2011 MIRIL, I dont know what to say really. If you had that enviroment it probably is their fault. Like you said its ok to blame someone to a certain degree. I want you to know that you can talk on this site as much as you'd like and there is a lot of people here for support. Try and stay happy lovely, there will always be another day to make it right :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MIRIL Posted August 24, 2011 Author Report Share Posted August 24, 2011 Thank you! the reason i am a bit ambivalent about blaming my parents for the enviroment which i think "damaged" me in a way - is that i have 2 sisters. both of them are "normal", meaning they were never depressed, have no idea what panic attack is, and can't really relate to the way i am. so it's like we all grew up in a similar place, with the same parents. i guess certain events affected us very differently, and perhaps genetics plays a role too - and they got lucky, while i got all the "bad genes"... I think i will blame them, at least while i'm soo down that it hurts. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lonelyheartemma Posted August 24, 2011 Report Share Posted August 24, 2011 my sister is 'normal'. but i dont think its good genes and bad genes. maybe not all good genes react well together. no 2 or 3 people can have quite the same upbringing because we are all different people inside and we have different experiences going through life. maybe the problem isnt that parents don't treat all there children the same, maybe the problem is they do treat them the same. we are all different individuals and don't necsarily need the same treatment to thrive. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wallflower Posted August 25, 2011 Report Share Posted August 25, 2011 I don't believe in good and bad genes either as they have been previous cases in Psychology and Law where people have claimed to have a certain gene meaning they sometimes dont have a brilliant perception of reality or something similar, blaming their actions. But quite normal people can live with the same genes and have no problem with certain things. I believe its the way you're mixed and your views. I mean our actions depend on 30% of our genes and 70% of our enviroment (I think its that) meaning really we can only blame what happens around us - thus blaming your parents. Its ok to blame them because technically it is, without trying to seem mean. But I think if you try and alter your enviroment a little maybe you'll find yourself happier, try joining a club or something, just for fun once a week :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MIRIL Posted August 28, 2011 Author Report Share Posted August 28, 2011 oh I hate this life. i'm just sick of being me. why is everyone around me happy without even trying? why I obsessed over little things? why can't I just go through life without thinking about every little thing? I know there are people out there suffering alot more than me, but i can't help feeling sorry for myself, and feeling it's not fair, everytime i get a little better something alse comes and knock me back down. i'm sick of it!! and next week i have this "study related trip" with 20 ppl from uni. i don't know how i'll manage to keep a facade for a whole week... :/// anybody here wish they hadn't been born? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lonelyheartemma Posted August 28, 2011 Report Share Posted August 28, 2011 Me, definately. I wish that every day. ((((MIRIL)))))) do you have to go on the trip? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wallflower Posted August 28, 2011 Report Share Posted August 28, 2011 Don't be silly! Its ok to feel sorry for yourself, yes people are suffering in other places, yes theyre strarving children in places, but no, none of that changes the fact that youre upset How you feel matters I dont know what to say really, except things will get better I hope you feel better really soon dearest (((MIRIL and Emma))) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MIRIL Posted August 28, 2011 Author Report Share Posted August 28, 2011 Me, definately. I wish that every day. ((((MIRIL)))))) do you have to go on the trip? I'm looking into ways to get out of it, but it's too complicated & involve alot of money. :/// so far didn't find a way. maybe if i'll break my leg or something... anybody knows a way to fake illness (physical illness...)? the only way is basically if i'm so sick that the dr. will give me a letter. but not a GP - a specialist (aka. dermatologist, Gastroenterologist etc.) thank you Emma & Wallflower! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wallflower Posted August 28, 2011 Report Share Posted August 28, 2011 Unfortunatly I dont know how to fake anything. If I attempt my parents take one look at me and drag me out of bed. Although you could always play the "cramp" card if you have a male teacher. Got me out of 1 year of PE :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MIRIL Posted August 28, 2011 Author Report Share Posted August 28, 2011 oh i wish it could work but it has to be somthng much more serious :// Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wallflower Posted August 28, 2011 Report Share Posted August 28, 2011 :( I'm sorry, I wish I could have been of help Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MIRIL Posted August 28, 2011 Author Report Share Posted August 28, 2011 that's ok. thanx for trying! i hope i'll find somthng because right now i dont think i'll be able to be a whole week away from home with kind of strangers (i know the ppl by name but that's it...), and keep it all together. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wallflower Posted August 28, 2011 Report Share Posted August 28, 2011 If you cant find anything just try and stay positive and you might even make a friend :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MIRIL Posted August 28, 2011 Author Report Share Posted August 28, 2011 tnx i'm more of a loner most of the time, and o.k. with that. don't like most ppl out there.... so i don't think that'll happen. but i appreciate your suggestions! tnx! at the moment apart from being down & sad, i'm so tired from high levels of anxiety, yet too worried to sleep. thinking about that "trip" isnt helping to calm my nervs. i really hope i'll find some illness that the dr. will "approve". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wallflower Posted August 28, 2011 Report Share Posted August 28, 2011 This may sound silly but can you not get out with anxiety and stuff? It is an illness Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MIRIL Posted August 28, 2011 Author Report Share Posted August 28, 2011 not silly at all. i thought about that too, but i'm too ashamed to get a note from the dr. for that, and then give it to other people at uni... and i'm not sure if they'll even understand or take it seriously :// Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wallflower Posted August 29, 2011 Report Share Posted August 29, 2011 Wouldnt you be able to talk to someone and ask them to like not give too much away and just say that you cant go because you have an appointment that cant be rescedualed because its of importance? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.