JD2 Posted September 2, 2011 Report Share Posted September 2, 2011 Hello, I found myself almost signing up to a pro eating disorder website just ten minutes ago.. Something stopped me (luckily) and I signed up to this one instead. I am 1.595m tall and last summer I weighed 168 pounds, I have been constantly bullied throughout my life for being fat, I used to be mentally and physically abused throughout the whole of my high school which led to people making websites about me telling me to kill myself because I am fat and ugly and not worthy of living. I also had a bad childhood in terms of family, I have been abused by the male figures in my life and seen things that are indescribable. The bullying everyday at high school and coming home to more abuse and bullying led me to self harm and to comfort eating, I continued to gain more and more weight however never realised how much weight I was putting on. I left sixth form and enrolled to university to get away from everyone I had been around for so many years, my university is one of the arts and is mainly fashion based which means stick thin beautiful models walking around it everyday, I always felt like the fat one again in my class however never was bullied for it so I finally felt okay(ish) with my weight. For some reason (in which my therapist and myself still have not found out why) I decided to go on a diet, at first it was reasonably healthy, I stuck to 1500 calories a day, exercised everyday for an hour and lost steadily around a pound a week, I felt like I was finally achieving something good in my life, I set my goal weight to 126 pounds. Unfortunately whilst exercising I tore a tendon in my leg which meant I could no longer exercise, this sent me into panic mode and I became very anxious that I may regain all that weight I had lost. This led me to my first purge, I needed to rid some of the calories I was consuming and without exercise I wasn't sure what else to do. I never thought it was wrong, or an problem, I continued doing it for months and just saw it as 'extreme dieting' My weight loss then became my obsession, it was ALL I thought about all day everyday, my calories went down to 1000, then to 500, and sometimes I would not eat all day. By November I had got my weight down to 138 pounds and continued to loose weight by restricting my intake and vomiting. I had one friend who knew about my vomiting and obsessive dieting and she pushed me into asking for help from my GP, I never thought I needed help as I still saw myself as being obese, I was referred to an eating disorder clinic and on January 19th I had my first weigh in there at 123 pounds, I continued to loose weight whilst receiving help however it was far slower than before. I was put onto anti depressants and had counselling meetings every week however I still had this urge to want to continue to loose weight. I stopped going to my eating disorder clinic in May as I felt I had control of my eating again. However I still calorie count obsessively and exercise, only occasionally do I purge, if i feel anxious about something or if I feel I have over eaten. I joined a gym and began exercising for around 6 hours a day, however I started to build up muscle and I hated my body more than ever, I stopped going and dropped my calorie intake back down to under 1000 calories. Today I weigh 108 pounds but still feel obese and bigger than every one else around me. Everyone tells me I look skinny but I never believe them, I hate feeling so fat and disgusting and I am so scared to eat normally as I am terrified of gaining weight, I am scared I will be hated again if I eat normally and gain some pounds and I am scared to hate my body even more than I do now. I've never spoke to anyone else with an eating disorder and joined this site to try and normalise my thoughts around food and my body, I am probably 2000x bigger than everyone else on this forum and feel stupid for asking for help and advice Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
canadianbumble Posted September 2, 2011 Report Share Posted September 2, 2011 Hi JD2 I just want you to know that I have read your topic but haven't got the right words to respond at the moment. You are not stupid for asking for help and advice at all. I really hope you will find support here. I didn't want to read and run incase you thought nobody cared. Will come back. Bumble :welcomeani: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JD2 Posted September 2, 2011 Author Report Share Posted September 2, 2011 Hi JD2 I just want you to know that I have read your topic but haven't got the right words to respond at the moment. You are not stupid for asking for help and advice at all. I really hope you will find support here. I didn't want to read and run incase you thought nobody cared. Will come back. Bumble Thankyou so much :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wallflower Posted September 2, 2011 Report Share Posted September 2, 2011 Hi JD2, I read this post and honestly dont know what to say At 108 pounds youre tiny, I know you dont feel like it but you are. Dont be silly for trying to find help here, everyones lovely and if you feel like purging or anything like that, it might be a good idea to talk here first, everyone will try and help Stay strong and youre beautiful :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fedup! Posted September 2, 2011 Report Share Posted September 2, 2011 Hi JD2, welcome!! There are others on this forum who struggle with ED's and I am sure you will find comfort and support here. Good choice on choosing this site!! You know you made the right decision hun xxxxxxxxxxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JD2 Posted September 3, 2011 Author Report Share Posted September 3, 2011 Thank you all for your kind words. I feel as though I have lost control of my eating recently and have started to eat foods that I havent touched since last summer, I went to the gym this morning (only for an hour) and didn't eat anything all day up until around half 8, I had a nandos with a friend because we just had a good job interview and I felt like celebrating, I try to choose the healthier option and had a bean burger (veggie option, reasonably healthy) with a corn on the cob however I just feel like I had a massive binge seeing as I ate that food all in one sitting after not eating all day. Whenever I eat something bad, I look into the mirror and actually see a difference in my body, I look fatter, I'm not even sure if what I see is even real and it really messes with my head. I just want to be able to eat and not feel like I have gained a stone and look fat and disgusting and feel disappointed in myself for giving in to eating I feel ashamed when I eat, that I have given in to something bad. I feel like I am split in two, one half of me wants to continue to loose weight and not eat, because that half of me enjoys feeling hungry and starved and not feeling full up, and that half of me assumes that maybe one day I will get to a weight I am happy with, and the other half of me believes I have more in my life than a eating disorder, I nearly had a heart attack a few months ago because of not eating and that really scared me into reality that this may kill me one day and the thought of loosing my life to this and to hurt my family that way is terrifying, this half of me also believes that I probably wont ever get to a weight I am happy with, anyone else ever feel like this? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wallflower Posted September 4, 2011 Report Share Posted September 4, 2011 Yes, I've felt like that too before :/ I'm pretty lost for words, but have you tried speaking to a GP about this? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JD2 Posted September 4, 2011 Author Report Share Posted September 4, 2011 Yes, I've felt like that too before :/ I'm pretty lost for words, but have you tried speaking to a GP about this? I havent spoken to anyone about it all since I stopped having treatment back in May, I feel like I have failed and that I will just disappoint everyone if I tell them how I feel. Thats probably why I joined this site, today I binged and purged then went to the gym, I am going to try my hardest to take myself to the GP and ask for help again Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wallflower Posted September 5, 2011 Report Share Posted September 5, 2011 I am sorry that you bunged then purged. You have not failed yourself or anyone else, youve struggled but youre going to get better again. Dont you worry :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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