I Don't Know Where To Turn

[David495]

So here I am, I'm 20, and struggling from day-to-day. I don't know quite where to begin, as I am not sure what it is that's wrong with me!

I'm not fat. I couldn't care less about what I eat or when I eat. Then why am I like this?

Okay, so maybe I'm depressed, all I know is that a basic run down of each day for me usually ends in disaster and I find myself sitting on the floor of a stock room cupboard at work with my arms around my knees, swinging back and forth and telling myself to 'stop it', and commanding unbidden thoughts, impulses and emotions to 'go away, go away, just go away and leave me alone'.

I feel... desperate all the time, and axious about I-don't-know-what. I don't understand it. I just want to eat sugar and sleep. That's all I want to do. Today it hit real hard, so hard in fact that I had to leave work - I just phased out, felt so hopeless, pointless and started crying. All that time I just wanted to run for the canteen and the biscuits. But it's so much more than that...

I am obsessed about making myself stop eating when I am full and trying not to eat too much. Not in the good way, either it would seem. I have rituals, and twitchy hand movements when I am 'testing' myself to make sure I can pull my hand away from food. The obsession in some ways is the worse - just imagine picking up a sandwhich and putting it back down again 20 times and shuddering with the effort of trying to put it down. It feels like my blood sugar level is so low all the time so that I crave so many things, and my mouth waters, all day long. But I eat ALOT of sugar, you see, because I cannot controll it without serious incapacitating behaviour, such as crying and gasping, shuddering, twitching, feeling, prodding, poking... all in an attempt to pull myself away even after I've just 'binged' and feel sated.

I don't know who I am anymore, I don't enjoy 'normal' activities that I used to do, I cannot settle to do anything without plaguing thoughts and temptations, desires - needs. Sometimes I just wish I was dead. All the effort of struggling on would just disappear and I'd be free.

I tried ringing the NHS MAST team for a self referal, but all I got in response was somone who really didn't understand me, and the promise that 'we may call you back after we assess this'. I need help now. I cannot work, I cannot talk to other people, I cannot do anything productive. I just eat, sleep, cry and feel hopeless.

[Dani]

Hav u been to see ur gp?if not then I think that would be a good step forward.

He may need to check there's not a medical condition as to why ur craving sugar so much and why ur so tired.it sounds like a mixture to me,and sounds like u could hav an ocd too.but I'm not a professional so please get yourself checked out.I'm sorry to hear ur struggling,sounds awful.

Things can get better though,u just need the right help and support xx