hummm_mabbe Posted September 7, 2011 Report Share Posted September 7, 2011 :trigger: MAY TRIGGER - BULLYING AND SUI THINGS Hullo Just needed to get this out really. I am really relieved that I have my new therapist tomorrow, as today has been extremely hard. It began waking up from a dream about the bullying I went through at school. It was a super-vivid dream, me getting beaten up - just felt so powerless and pathetic. When I woke up, the feeling of it seemed to stick to me and I couldnt shake it, and going into work with that was super hard. It basically stayed all day, and there was just some random conversation about buying coffee where I felt like people were kind of laughing at me or something, and there was just this wave of sadness and depression, and just for a moment, a suicidal feeling. Some tears sort of welled up a bit, and then went. Thankfully no one was looking. Its been sort of building for about a week. Monday two weeks ago I felt really good, then Monday night again it was a dream about bullying. Then I started getting ill with a cold on Thurs, and its been going downhill. I think maybe this bullying stuff is demanding to be looked at and talked about, its one thing thats tended to get put to the side. I finally went and bought my coat I have been wanting for ages. It cost a LOT of money, but have just put it in the cupboard because I know I cant appreciate it right now. When I look in the mirror I just feel really... well, you know. Horrid. Anyways just needed to waffle, as I said am seeing new T tomorrow, and not before time I think Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crow Posted September 7, 2011 Report Share Posted September 7, 2011 ((Hugs)) I'm glad you have your new therapist tomorrow. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hummm_mabbe Posted September 7, 2011 Author Report Share Posted September 7, 2011 ((Hugs)) I'm glad you have your new therapist tomorrow. Thx Tony, me too. Gone for a bloke this time, last one was a lady therapist. This is therapist number 8, I think I have had an even mix of genders. Really hope I dont have another effing dream though :( Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Christine001 Posted September 7, 2011 Report Share Posted September 7, 2011 (((((hummm -mabbe)))))) sorry you feel so down maybe its the pre nerves about the therapy, Hope it goes well tommorrow xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hummm_mabbe Posted September 7, 2011 Author Report Share Posted September 7, 2011 (((((hummm -mabbe)))))) sorry you feel so down maybe its the pre nerves about the therapy, Hope it goes well tommorrow xx Cheers Christine Am looking forward to it TBH, havent had the chance to get all this stuff out for ages and a lots built up. Its just ben the fact of returning to work and being around people I think - I lost my therapist in April, went back to work in July, so havent had anyone to talk to about the hard parts of being around people again. Not sure how much we will get through tomorrow though, as it will probably be mostly set-up and getting to know each other. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
carlylight1 Posted September 7, 2011 Report Share Posted September 7, 2011 (((ross))) i'm a bit stuck at the mo and rubbish with words but i'm really sorry you had to go through that when you were younger. it doesn't help but i feel angry at how people are left hurt by the nastiness of others. my bullying is one area i would find very difficult to talk about. its so wrong but theres all this stupid shame connected with it and also with how much it affected me. it still colours the way i see the world and i have those feelings when feeling vulnerable that people are laughing or that they see my defects which i try so hard to hide i'm glad you are meeting your new therapist tomorrow. maybe all these dreams are intruding on you now because your brain thinks its the right time to deal with the issues. take care xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hummm_mabbe Posted September 7, 2011 Author Report Share Posted September 7, 2011 (((ross))) i'm a bit stuck at the mo and rubbish with words but i'm really sorry you had to go through that when you were younger. it doesn't help but i feel angry at how people are left hurt by the nastiness of others. my bullying is one area i would find very difficult to talk about. its so wrong but theres all this stupid shame connected with it and also with how much it affected me. it still colours the way i see the world and i have those feelings when feeling vulnerable that people are laughing or that they see my defects which i try so hard to hide i'm glad you are meeting your new therapist tomorrow. maybe all these dreams are intruding on you now because your brain thinks its the right time to deal with the issues. take care xxx Hi Vivien Yes exactly - talking about bulying often seems to trigger contempt in people, the whole "get over it, everyone gets it" thing. Then when you explain it hapened for some years, it turns into "well you must have done something to deserve it". There's just this horrible seam of invalidation that is so often reserved for the topic of bullying that still hangs around in society, even despite so mnay schools having 'programmes' to deal with it. I even feel ashamed of myself when I use the word 'bullying' because it has that sense of "oh its just silly little children's things". 'Peer abuse' maybe puts it better. I guess I just need someone that will listen and understand, rather than give me the "oh they were just silly teenagers" bollocks - like thats meant to stop the dreams? Sorry you had that too, hope people havent been as invalidating as that to you about it. Yeah maybe my brain wants me to bring it up. There's also been a little bit of teasing at work. Intellectually I 'know' its because they like me, but emotionally I cant help it - some little part of me still reacts the same. I think that has been triggering it too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
canadianbumble Posted September 7, 2011 Report Share Posted September 7, 2011 (((((Hummm mabbe)))) not much with words right now. Hope T helps. x Bumble Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hummm_mabbe Posted September 7, 2011 Author Report Share Posted September 7, 2011 (((((Hummm mabbe)))) not much with words right now. Hope T helps. x Bumble thx bumble :hug2: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Honeyflower Posted September 7, 2011 Report Share Posted September 7, 2011 (((hugs))) I am sorry that you feel low hun, I hope that you can talk this through in therapy, Maybe we need to post some fluff x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Data Posted September 7, 2011 Report Share Posted September 7, 2011 I am sorry you have been feeling so bad, Ross. It is rare for you to post about feeling so bad. However, I admire you for sticking with your new job, despite the bad days. I hope that new coat cheers you up one day in the future. I am sorry that you were bullied and I'm not going to dismiss or invalidate that in any way. I hope you make good progress with your new T. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hummm_mabbe Posted September 7, 2011 Author Report Share Posted September 7, 2011 (((hugs))) I am sorry that you feel low hun, I hope that you can talk this through in therapy, Maybe we need to post some fluff x Hi there I did actually load up 'Cute Overload' at work to try and cheer myself up, helped a bit I have been checking the fluff thread regularly, nice to see its active Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hummm_mabbe Posted September 7, 2011 Author Report Share Posted September 7, 2011 I am sorry you have been feeling so bad, Ross. It is rare for you to post about feeling so bad. However, I admire you for sticking with your new job, despite the bad days. I hope that new coat cheers you up one day in the future. I am sorry that you were bullied and I'm not going to dismiss or invalidate that in any way. I hope you make good progress with your new T. Thanks data, yeah it is kind of rare for me to post this kind of thing, think some part of me just needed to get it out as I was kind of surprised by its intensity. That dream just made me feel like I was 13 again and going off to another horrible day at school. May well post about new T tomorrow Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
piuma Posted September 7, 2011 Report Share Posted September 7, 2011 Wishing good luck with your T and offering a cute bunny to stick in your pocket just in case you need it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hummm_mabbe Posted September 7, 2011 Author Report Share Posted September 7, 2011 Wishing good luck with your T and offering a cute bunny to stick in your pocket just in case you need it. Thx Pie, yeah pocket bun would be good :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Myla Posted September 7, 2011 Report Share Posted September 7, 2011 :( that things rough. I hate it when nightmares about the past set you up for a really bad ride. Good luck with new therapist (and for dream-free night). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Toxie Posted September 7, 2011 Report Share Posted September 7, 2011 Hi there Sorry to hear you're having such a bad time right now. I was wandering - if you dont mind sharing - what medication you are on? (if any) I'm on Citalopram and I think its that that gives me really vivid dreams. Just wandering if it was the same for you. I can totally sympathise, my dreams can be extremely vivid and can upset me for days or weeks after. Good luck for tomorrow x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hummm_mabbe Posted September 7, 2011 Author Report Share Posted September 7, 2011 that things rough. I hate it when nightmares about the past set you up for a really bad ride. Good luck with new therapist (and for dream-free night). Hi there Yeah just about to go to bed now, here's hoping :worried_anim: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hummm_mabbe Posted September 7, 2011 Author Report Share Posted September 7, 2011 Hi there Sorry to hear you're having such a bad time right now. I was wandering - if you dont mind sharing - what medication you are on? (if any) I'm on Citalopram and I think its that that gives me really vivid dreams. Just wandering if it was the same for you. I can totally sympathise, my dreams can be extremely vivid and can upset me for days or weeks after. Good luck for tomorrow x Hi there After many years of working my way through all the anti-d's, I decided there wasnt much point in taking them anymore as they didnt really help / didnt help enough to be worth the side effects. So at the moment I dont take anything at all. If i did go back on them it would most likely be effexor as it was the only one that seemed to make a difference, but the sides were really pronounced and I got fed up with not being able to have sex for years on end. Yeah the dreams serve to make you feel like it all happened so recently, even when it can be like 16 years has passed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fedup! Posted September 7, 2011 Report Share Posted September 7, 2011 Here's to you having a better day Ross xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Get that new coat on! And post pics! xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catsmother21 Posted September 8, 2011 Report Share Posted September 8, 2011 ((((HM)))) really hope that the therapy goes well today and sorry you have been so depressed and tearful xxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hummm_mabbe Posted September 8, 2011 Author Report Share Posted September 8, 2011 Thanks guys Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lonelyheartemma Posted September 8, 2011 Report Share Posted September 8, 2011 (((((Ross))))) I hope the therapy goes well today xxx Its difficult with teasing, when i know someone well and i'm confident they like me they can tease me as much as they like but other people get comfortable with teasing at an earlier point than me and if someone teases me before i get comfortable it really upsets me and it reminds me of being bullied at school. like in hairdressing last year i accidently sprayed water all over the salon and everyone laughed. it was only the 2nd time i'd met them and i'd only spoken to one other person so to me that was way too soon to laugh in a friendly way so i got really paniced and upset and ran out of the salon. Its really awkward and i'm sure it happens with lots of people, that 1 person will tease before the other person is ready and people end up getting upset or angry but its worse when you have low self esteem and a history of being bullied. I'm sure you will enjoy your coat again. when i got my new dress (there was a really long thread about it on here) I told my mum about it and she made me feel so bad, i couldnt even look at the dress so i put it at the back of my wardrobe because i didnt want to be reminded. but over the last few days i've started to feel excited about wearing it again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hummm_mabbe Posted September 8, 2011 Author Report Share Posted September 8, 2011 Hi Emma Thats really great that you wanted to see the dress again and wear it, I am glad you did. I wore my coat today and I really like it. Just had therapy, I am still processing it to know how I feel. I sort of went straght in, no set-up, just wanted to get back into therapy and talk about stuff. I dont know how i feel about it yet. I was saying stuff I wouldnt normally have with my last therapist, was being much more emotionally honest and 'real' which felt good but also scary. So mixed feelings afterwards. Spoke about anger a lot too, so came away feeling a lot of that. Wa nice to get the bus home rather than walking all the way too - I have got out of the habit of using public transport and knacker myself out walking everywhere. Stuff. Things. Laaaaa. Yeah, waiting for my feelings to sort themselves out really. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Saharah Blue Posted September 8, 2011 Report Share Posted September 8, 2011 This is really encouraging to read your thread. The nice coat is such a positive self care thing to do. *proud of you :rolleyes: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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