blackdagger82 Posted September 12, 2011 Report Share Posted September 12, 2011 As I am currently unemployed and have far too much time on my hand I have been rewatching a lot of my favourite TV shows (Criminal Minds, Bones, Firefly to name a few) and I have come to realise that the characters in these shows seem to have a more familial then friendship type relationship. It is the sort of relationship I wished I had with people, the unfailing support and being there for each other that I just don't have in RL. Since I have been unemployed I have seen very few of my "Friends" and my relationship with my family is none existant. I have tried to just carry one and keep going, looking for a job wherever I can and working on a book I have been thinking about writing for a while. But when it comes down to it I just feel so incredably alone in this situation. I can't seem to explain this very well, but I wish I had a family I could count on, or friends that I felt I could call on to help me out, but whenever I try to ask for help I just can't seem to do it although I am happy to help them out whenever necessary. Its like I have to keep up this facade of being in control and at ease with the situation when all I want is to be able to vent and not feel guilty, to have someone tell me that there is an alturnative whats happening or give me even a temporary solution or at the very least give me a hug. I watch these shows and I want what I see there, people I can count on when times are hard, people who will actually be there for me as well as me for them. I guess I am just tired of having to deal with everything, every worry and problem by my self and I wish I had people around me I could count on. :worried_anim: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lonelyheartemma Posted September 12, 2011 Report Share Posted September 12, 2011 One reason why i don't watch much TV is because it makes me cry because i wish i had friendships and relationships like they do. anything where something bad happens and they confess to their family who promises to support someone 100% no matter what because they love them, things like that are just so sad because i havent really got that. It is different for me because my parents do a lot of stuff for me but they dont really give emotional support or make me feel better, they just deal with the practical side and theres lots i just can't tell them. even when they hug me its like they are doing it because theyve decided its the right thing to do, their emotions havent moved them to do it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blackdagger82 Posted September 12, 2011 Author Report Share Posted September 12, 2011 Thanks Emma Its nice to know that I am not hte only person who feels like this. Unfortunetly my family don't even do the practical things (although apparently that is my fault for being to stubborn and hard headed - their words not mine). I guess some of my friends here would help me if I asked but I just feel like I can't ask as they all have things going on in thier lives and besides who wants to be friends or hang around with someone who is always "woe is me". I am jsut tired of being on my own all the bloody time and not having the courage or confidence to go out on my own (also embarressed at being a billy-no-mates) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hummm_mabbe Posted September 12, 2011 Report Share Posted September 12, 2011 I did often feel like this when I had a lot of time to watch shows and things when I wa on my own. I think its good to remember that these things are scripted, ad its easy to write "perfect" relationships, make people perfectly charismatic or supportive or 'always do the right thing'. Its an idealisation really. Thats not to say people dont exist who are like that, but its easy to forget with the telly that its all been written out beforehand. Sometimes I guess it reflects the writer's own ideal relationship. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bena.baby Posted September 12, 2011 Report Share Posted September 12, 2011 I tend to only watch depressing TV programmes/films exactly because of this. I just can't relate to stuff where people are happy and have millions of friends who support them through thick and thin. In fact, I think very few people can relate to that. I used to think that everyone else had these great friendships, but recently I've noticed that most people have quite shallow relationships, and when the shit hits the fan, most people have to deal with it on their own. Depressing, but I think it's true. Probably a lot of people have more support from their family than those with bpd/other mh probs might, but maybe not. I think a lot of families expect people to be someone they're not, to avoid rocking the boat. My boyfriend, for example, I used to think he was so incredibly popular and happy and sociable and had millions of friends, but since I moved in with him, I can see that it's not really like that. He has people he goes drinking with, or goes to parties with, but if he's feeling down, he doesn't really have anyone who he talks to. And his family don't expect him to be down, so he doesn't talk to them either. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Saharah Blue Posted September 12, 2011 Report Share Posted September 12, 2011 I agree with others about thinking everyone else have wonderful friendships. They often are grouped into several types of shallow relationships. They actually complain about each other all the time. I think it is just the idea of having companionship that isn't inconvenient. I use to have a lot of friends, but I don't remember feeling like they were ever really interested in me. Just dinner or coffee getting to the party, movie, etc... I think they liked me alright, but I am rather serious, private, and distant. Not the life of the party at all. These friends, though intellectual, creative and interesting. Left me feeling lonely because the kind of connection I wanted was emotional closeness, loyalty and unconditional love and understanding. Anything but casual, since my friends couldn't meet my secret longing, I let them all go. Someday I will have friends again, just not while I am so unstable. I do like a lot of the people here and wish I lived close enough to hang out with peeps. I feel like I can be honest here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AliMWelt Posted September 12, 2011 Report Share Posted September 12, 2011 I agree with what you said in your original post about having to put on this facade but helping others...that's me all over. Is tiring but then that is who I am and it is hard to change who I am. I;ve lways been the @listener@ and not the @talker@. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Myla Posted September 12, 2011 Report Share Posted September 12, 2011 I get this. I have lost a lot of "friends" over the years. In hindsight they were never really friends but acquaintences. I can be quite intense so I don't get much from the "catching up over a coffee" routine. The mwah mwahs on each cheek!!! And now I'm depressed again I'm just not in the right frame of mind for nurturing new friendships however much I'd like the sort of friendship you write about. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jam-parker Posted September 13, 2011 Report Share Posted September 13, 2011 Balckdagger, I can almost imagine groups of friends and families grouped together storyboarding their lives. The reality is Television is a form of entertainment and escapism and the complex intertwining of characters with snappy punchy dialogue are the results of writers putting time and effort into creating the escape. Thats why it is the magic box It hasn't been an easy or a good time for you recently and the reality is that you are going through a bad patch. It will change for the better for you and you can take pride in it being down to you when it does. You point out your desire to have people around you that you can rely on but you don't ask for the help that you desire. The two things are in opposition to each other and i wonder why that is for you. Do you have a reason why you cannot turn to your family or friends because in my experince those who are there for you may not see what you see. They may be unaware and if you never turn to them then they will never be there when you need them most so something has to give. There is always an alternative way forwards. Jamie xxx. p.s. whats the book you are working on? :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blackdagger82 Posted September 13, 2011 Author Report Share Posted September 13, 2011 Thank you everyone for your replies. I know that these are shows and scripted and that what will look like the perfect relationships/friendships on the surface may not be at all, but at the moment it feels like all my failures are so public and out there for the world to see. I guess that I am just feeling very isolated at the moment, the school I was working in has told people that they need to in effect stay away from me as I am contesting the dismissal, which is really hard as they were the core group of people I hang out with here. As for my family, nothing I do is right for them. From going to university to my career choice and now that I have been dismissed they act like it was expected and I should have seen it coming or that i set my sights too high in terms of the career I wanted. The only way that they will be happy is if I move back to my home town, find a nice local boy to marry and pop out a couple of kids. Which in my mind is the 9th level of hell. Moondragon - You are right that what I am asking for is a contradiction (as is everything in my life it seems) - How can people help when i don't ask for help? I don't know I was always told to come to a situation with solutions and not problems, but then if I cna think of the solutions then surely i wouldn't need to be asking for help????? I have a couple of friends who have been looking out for me but I feel so bad that I am always calling on them. As for the book, I am working on its a resource for teachers putting together all the activity ideas and lesson ideas htat I have used over the years I have been teaching into one resource. I am also writing a program for PSHCEE in secondary schools which includes all the outlines and lesson plans a teacher needs to teach the subject with some level of effectiveness whilst trying to make it interesting and fun for teachers as well and students. Not very exciting I am afraid. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jam-parker Posted September 13, 2011 Report Share Posted September 13, 2011 Thank you everyone for your replies. I know that these are shows and scripted and that what will look like the perfect relationships/friendships on the surface may not be at all, but at the moment it feels like all my failures are so public and out there for the world to see. I guess that I am just feeling very isolated at the moment, the school I was working in has told people that they need to in effect stay away from me as I am contesting the dismissal, which is really hard as they were the core group of people I hang out with here. As for my family, nothing I do is right for them. From going to university to my career choice and now that I have been dismissed they act like it was expected and I should have seen it coming or that i set my sights too high in terms of the career I wanted. The only way that they will be happy is if I move back to my home town, find a nice local boy to marry and pop out a couple of kids. Which in my mind is the 9th level of hell. Moondragon - You are right that what I am asking for is a contradiction (as is everything in my life it seems) - How can people help when i don't ask for help? I don't know I was always told to come to a situation with solutions and not problems, but then if I cna think of the solutions then surely i wouldn't need to be asking for help????? I have a couple of friends who have been looking out for me but I feel so bad that I am always calling on them. As for the book, I am working on its a resource for teachers putting together all the activity ideas and lesson ideas htat I have used over the years I have been teaching into one resource. I am also writing a program for PSHCEE in secondary schools which includes all the outlines and lesson plans a teacher needs to teach the subject with some level of effectiveness whilst trying to make it interesting and fun for teachers as well and students. Not very exciting I am afraid. Balckdagger, Well then what you are talking about is Ideals. The Writers of hit shows in Teleland impress them onto the script, and in real life your parents have their own ideals too. You have taken a massive blow to your own ideal, and the situation as it is ongoing is far from. Maybe you have lost your own sense of what is the ideal for you. Also the fact that your previous employers have told people to stay away from you is emotionally harmful to you, especially as these are friends and people who have shared in your life. I would say that you shouldn't let them harm you in that way, you should be allowed to see who you want and they should be allowed to see you, the only thing your employers could ask of all of you is that you don't discuss the matter. So don't let them bully and isolate you and raise this with your representation as it is quite cruel. I would say that seeing the solution instead of the problem is how you would normally deal with things, the truth is this isn't a normal run of the mill situation and only by asking for help and talking with loved ones and close friends can you regain a sense of perspective to bring more balance to your situation. Ask for help and be greatful to your friends, they wont mind being there for you. This will pass and thing will get better. I think what you are doing is a wonderful idea and that by passing on your successes to others you are creating something very exciting. Good luck with it, I hope it comes to fruition. Learning is its own reward so you should be proud that you are doing this. Jamie. xxx. Ninth level of Hell :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blackdagger82 Posted September 13, 2011 Author Report Share Posted September 13, 2011 Thanks Jamie I have got another meeting with my Lawyer later this week and was going to bring it up with her then, but i don't wnat to get my firends in a situation where they are having a hard time a school. I don't know why it is so hard for me to admit that I am having problems to my friends, and I know I can't expect them to know unless I tell them, but I often feel like this is life and I should be able to get on and deal with it, but at the moment I just can't see the way through. I keep feeling that it would be better for everyone including myself if I just went away (not in a death kinda way) and started afresh without a past, but i know that is impossible. Sorry I am being melodramatic now, thanks again for the kind words xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jam-parker Posted September 13, 2011 Report Share Posted September 13, 2011 Balckdagger, You're welcome. See what your lawyer says this week. I still think being cut off from friends and colleagues is a cruel and unusual punishment and I think there would be uproar if your previous employers did start to give anyone else a hard time. I understand how you feel though. Melodramatic are you thinking of changing careers to be starring in a TV show , No need to apologise it's alright to feel however you want. You have hit a big down turn in your life and you have everything in a state of flux at this time so it will settle eventually for you. I would say what are friends for, but to be there and help and comfort you through this time. It may be made more difficult because things are the same at the moment. I know with friendships there is usually a lot of emphasis on whats new each time you come together. Maybe at the moment you don't want to say anything, that doesn't mean you can't see them in other ways such as socially. At the very least you may not be talking about the difficulties you're facing but getting out and doing something would help you to feel better. And if you do then choose to open up you can do. I know you feel that way at the moment, but going away really doesn't solve anything as you know yourself. A fresh start though that's achievable, you just have to work out how. How is the jobsearching coming along? Jamie xxx. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blackdagger82 Posted September 13, 2011 Author Report Share Posted September 13, 2011 Thanks again Jamie The job search is happening so far I have applied for over 25 jobs and so far only one interview which I still haven't heard back from, lots of no thanks or just not hearing anything. I was told by one school that I would have been a great candidate but they just couldn't afford me. Why pay me over 30k a year when you can get a newly qualified teacher to do the same job for 19k? which means I have to apply for posts with responsibility like Head of Department which are few and far between and generally go to an internal candidate. So at the moment I am a bit stuck but I get unemployment benefit for a year here so I have time. I think i just need a break from everything for a little bit, or some news that is good for a change. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jam-parker Posted September 13, 2011 Report Share Posted September 13, 2011 Balckdagger, Don't give up hope its a tough labour market out there at the moment, so I hope you keep applying and you will find something suited to your talents. And you have time on your side. Well why don't you take a break? Easier said than done though. There is always good news just around the corner lurking, waiting to jump out at you hopefully it will do soon. Jamie xxx. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blackdagger82 Posted September 13, 2011 Author Report Share Posted September 13, 2011 I hope you are right Jamie, and thanks for the hugs. I am gping to keep applying for jobs that I think I would like or could do well and see what happens. I keep getting told that I should take the time to get myself fully well before worrying about another job (which I would love to do) but contradictory as ever having too much time on my hands is not good for me. Too much time to think and worry about things. I need to find something to occupy myself with and to help me feel like a productive member of society. I would love to take a break and disappear off to a little cottege somewhere with a log fire and shore line for a week or som, but I just don't have the money. :( Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jam-parker Posted September 14, 2011 Report Share Posted September 14, 2011 Balckdagger, Welcome The only way is to strike a balance and this adds to the contradictions, your unwell and not working makes you feel worse. You shoudln't be working whilst you are unwell. (As advised by others). That seems like a good idea, do what is the best thing for you so if you keep applying for jobs you will find one and hopefully soon. Yes me too, unfortunately not being able to afford a break is a major downer. I hope it doesn't get you down too much. Sometimes a day trip could be a relief and respite. I hope today finds you in better spirits. Jamie xxx. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blackdagger82 Posted September 14, 2011 Author Report Share Posted September 14, 2011 Thanks Jamie Not been too bad today, a couple more job applicatios sent off and a bit of a scare at the date, I thought I still had a couple of days till my appointment with the ADEM (social Security people) but it is tomorrow good thing i realised as the appointment is at 8am and I haven't been sleeping well and not been too good getting up in the mornings. At least with the jobs most wouldn't start till January anyway as it is usual for schools to start new contracts at the start of a new term, so still would have time but would love to have something to look forward to and would have things to sort out for that. Been working on my book and stuff today, even text a friend to see if they wanted to meet up for coffee soon. Might even try leaving hte flat tomorrow for more then just my appointment. I have just sent of my pension reclaim form so depending on how much that is I might try and get away for a couple of days or just head back to the UK and see some friends. Hope you have had a good day BD xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MaddieT Posted September 14, 2011 Report Share Posted September 14, 2011 Hey BD, Sorry you are still having a tough time sweetie but reading through your posts you seemed a bit more positive on todays post honey It is very hard to trust friends and family and I can relate to you saying about not wanting to be feeling like you are moaning all the time. Sometimes for me it feels like i am the latest Eastenders storyline with my life! The only advice i can give is keep being the listener for your friends but talk to the ones you trust about your concerns - you are a fantastic listener to others and i have noticed my friends feel closer to me now because i have shared stuff and allowed them to help when they told me before i was a bit 'aloof!' They also have said that they like the fact that even after a good moan or being upset i still ask how was your day, or i remember things they have going on - thats the best sort of friendship the ones who don't care if sometimes you are a bit one sided. I have also found that if i send a text afterwards saying thanks for them being there or thanks for the coffee, chat or support. As for families my mum is desparately trying to be supportive which is so alien to me and a bit smothering but at least she is trying. I just dont know if it is 40 years too late! Keep well honey xx Maddie xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blackdagger82 Posted September 14, 2011 Author Report Share Posted September 14, 2011 Thanks Maddie I am feeling a little more positive today (hope it lasts). I have been trying to be more open with people, more so when it comes to emailing people then in person, but its a start. As for my family, I don't think that there is any hope there to be honest. My older sister tries but now that she has come out the other side of her own post natal depression she thinks she is the expert on my mental health problems, and any time I try and talk about whats going on her immediate solution is I move back home (not in this life time!) and my parents don't believe that depression is a real disorder "its just people moaning about their lot in life rather then getting on with it" I know that when I am in a funk that I tend to hide away from people as I don't want to bring them down with me, and I think a lot of my friends have gotten so used to me being on the outskirts that I often get over looked (my fault not theirs) when arrangements are made. I need to start making more of an effort I think, but it is hard when I feel like I am being a pain asking them to meet up all the time, especially now I am not working. I hope you are feeling ok Hunny, and things are good for you. BD xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MaddieT Posted September 14, 2011 Report Share Posted September 14, 2011 Hi BD, I think seeing your pals and having lots of time with them will make you feel tons better and they will enjoy being in your company too - after all you are a lovely person and a pleasure to be around especially with your baking .......................................................... yummy! so get yourself out there and enjoy yourself - i think that will help with your job applications too and give you some much needed confidence back after your recent knocks sweetie. Good luck with your book - doesnt sound boring - sounds like you have found a niche there that needs your creative talents! Things aren't great at the mo but still here which is always a positive - thanks for asking Maddie x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blackdagger82 Posted September 14, 2011 Author Report Share Posted September 14, 2011 I am sorry to hear that Maddie, is it anything in particular or just Life in general thats not so good. Your right it is always a good and positive thing that you are here (both online and in RL) Thanks for the vote of confidence on the book, I am hoping it will be useful to people. There are loads of books out there like the one I am doing but I am hopnig that my little twist on it will help inspire teachers in the class room to be a little more creative with their lessons because they want to be not becuase they have to be. Anyway i am here if you need ot talk hun BD xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MaddieT Posted September 14, 2011 Report Share Posted September 14, 2011 Thanks chick - means a lot xxx Will post tomorrow - got hospital tomorrow so gotta get ready for that which i'm not looking forward to :crying_anim02: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
6of9 Posted September 16, 2011 Report Share Posted September 16, 2011 I get this. I have lost a lot of "friends" over the years. In hindsight they were never really friends but acquaintences. I can be quite intense so I don't get much from the "catching up over a coffee" routine. The mwah mwahs on each cheek!!! And now I'm depressed again I'm just not in the right frame of mind for nurturing new friendships however much I'd like the sort of friendship you write about. I can empathise with this completely. Like you, I can be relatively 'intense' and like to have conversations about things that are meaningful and substantial. My friends often say I'm too 'deep', but I like being 'deep'. The 'catching up over coffee' thing can be even more demoralising than just being on your own as you know deep down inside that you are getting nothing from the conversation or contact with the other person/people. I feel that there is a 'sub-culture' of people in our society. These people don't want to go through all the social graces and small-talk that society deems to be the norm. These people are intelligent, thoughtful...philosophical even, and to others do seem to be 'deep-thinkers' and possibly too intense. But they don't want to talk about what happened in Eastenders last night, or the new conservatory they've just had built etc etc. This means they are marginalised. It becomes hard to 'fit-in' in social situations, at work etc. It's then that you can become isolated and withdrawn...and lonely. I'd rather have one friend that shares my need to be 'deep' than one-hundred who just skirt around the real issues. This is why we live in a 'facebook' world...1000 friends on facebook equates to hours of non-sensical communication with 1000 people who you've probably never met and never will meet. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jam-parker Posted September 16, 2011 Report Share Posted September 16, 2011 Balckdagger, How was the Appointment? Jamie. xxx. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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