starryeyesee Posted September 21, 2011 Report Share Posted September 21, 2011 I finished touring with my band last week. I am training to be a teacher of English as a foreign language (T.E.F.L.)To everybody I've met this summer including the other members of my band, infact everyone who doesn't know me here, I talk about going to the uk in January having found a job as a teacher, being able to work and maybe live in a house-share as this would be the easiest solution. I have even been talking to my mum about doing a degree with the open university. The truth is I have been taking mini od's and getting drunk every night since I got back from Romania, I have to write a cv and cover letter but I feel so shit about myself that I don't know how to start writing anything positive about myself. I sleep for 12 hours a night and when I wake up I want to cry and sleep more. I have been having SH thoughts again. I have to force myself to practice my clarinet. I had a shower today and washed my hair for the first time in 10 days. I have stopped trying to lose weight because I don't want to appear attractive to men who I don't want anyway. I don't want to be honest with my pdoc because I don't want to disappoint her, same goes for my best friend/guitarist in band. And they will be disappointed in me because in their eyes I'm in fact everybody's eyes I'm doing really positive things. I do not believe I can achieve anything. I just want to sleep and not wake up. I do not believe I am capable of doing anything other than answer posts on here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
berenger Posted September 21, 2011 Report Share Posted September 21, 2011 I've been through a situation where i've been scared about letting people down this week. I did what i had to do and they took it fine. I think you should tell the doc, they'd much rather you be honest with them then cover things up, they'd feel they weren't doing their job. People i thought would be let down have taken things fine. I know what you mean about mini od's, i do that too. It is risky though. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Saharah Blue Posted September 21, 2011 Report Share Posted September 21, 2011 It took me ages to get my resume in order and I ended using the community writing center here to get it really polished, it worked. Having the extra eyes on it helped. As far as feeling capable, I have been struggle with that one a long time and I wonder if I will always struggle with it. Your plan sounds really good and you will just need some extra support to help you make it happen. I would suggest coming clean with your p-doc, I am sure you are likely to be met with more acceptance than you feel you deserve. So, hard to keep trying to plan a life isn't it? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Data Posted September 21, 2011 Report Share Posted September 21, 2011 Sorry you are feeling so bad. I bet you are capable of achieving more than you think though.. I admire people who are musically inclined. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
starryeyesee Posted September 21, 2011 Author Report Share Posted September 21, 2011 thanks for the replies I just feel so hopeless and that I'm living a big lie. I feel like I'm doing all this stuff for other people to have some confidence in me - people I have badly let down in the past. but I don't have any confidence in me. I've done it again (od) and am getting drunk. It seems like it is the only way forward, not forward, not backwards maybe backwards. I'm scared of achieving stuff, what if I have a crisis during a lesson. I can't handle it Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Myla Posted September 21, 2011 Report Share Posted September 21, 2011 I really think you should be honest with people (pdoc / best friend). You're pretending that all is well when it isn't. They won't be disappointed in you - they'll just want to help. Have you talked with your pdoc about why you're scared of achieving stuff? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Christine001 Posted September 21, 2011 Report Share Posted September 21, 2011 (((((Starry))))) Its good you have written down how things are, and can be honest on here and get some support which you so deserve, hopefully soon you will think more about talking to your pdoc, she/he wont be disappointed and will probably think the opposite, that you are brave to be honest.xx my sister works as a tefl and has done it for years and has a good career. As well having jobs in spain and italy, so when you feel better hopefully you will think about it. xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jam-parker Posted September 21, 2011 Report Share Posted September 21, 2011 Starry1, Sorry you are feeling like this, firstly Hugs, your not a dissapointment at all, look at the past few months and all you have done. How long have you felt like this? is it something you have felt since getting back from touring or have you been feeling like this longer. I know you have done so much this year with your teaching and touring and it can take its toll on you. If you are drinking and taking mini O/Ds then you are harming yourself and you do need to let someone in who can help you before this spirals further out of control. I dont see what you want to be false hopes, they are achievable and you are smart and talented you can realise them. Just maybe slow down and take a small time out to figure out exactly where these feelings fit in and how you can tackle them. There are some bigger changes coming up do you think this is a part of it? You won't dissapoint anyone, your hurting thats all. That's when you need your friends, and your doc the most. Hugs and Hope Jamie. xxx. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Benway Posted September 21, 2011 Report Share Posted September 21, 2011 Hi Starry, I'm sorry you are feeling so bad. When depressed i have the same sleep 'pattern' i.e as much as possible. Sometimes it hurts being concious an i just wanna be asleep. Agree with Sah "I would suggest coming clean with your p-doc, I am sure you are likely to be met with more acceptance than you feel you deserve". Bang on as usual . Disappointing people is a fear of mine too. But better to be honest, not like you are doing it to spite them, you are doing it as you are in pain. (((starry))) Love & light a.m xxxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catsmother21 Posted September 22, 2011 Report Share Posted September 22, 2011 ((((((Starry)))))) I think being honest is the best thing. So sorry that you are hurting so much xxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
starryeyesee Posted September 22, 2011 Author Report Share Posted September 22, 2011 Well I was honest and am crying because I admitted out loud all that stuff and that I have lost my love of music to the point where I want nothing more to do with it. the consequence is a load of blood tests and changing my anti-d to a mood stabiliser if the blood tests come back ok she also said I have bi-polar traits. I don't feel any better for admitting all that stuff. I feel ashamed and a hopeless case who will never be able to work like normal people. I feel doomed. I want this all to stop Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catsmother21 Posted September 22, 2011 Report Share Posted September 22, 2011 ((((Starry)))) sorry I'm really tired but have read this and wants to send you some hugs :hug2: xxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
starryeyesee Posted September 22, 2011 Author Report Share Posted September 22, 2011 thanks ((((cats))))) sorry for being so down Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jam-parker Posted September 22, 2011 Report Share Posted September 22, 2011 Well I was honest and am crying because I admitted out loud all that stuff and that I have lost my love of music to the point where I want nothing more to do with it. the consequence is a load of blood tests and changing my anti-d to a mood stabiliser if the blood tests come back ok she also said I have bi-polar traits. I don't feel any better for admitting all that stuff. I feel ashamed and a hopeless case who will never be able to work like normal people. I feel doomed. I want this all to stop Starry1, you may not feel better at the moment, but that is because nothing has seemed to change. It will get better for you and in the meantime use your friends to help you keep your mood up.and to stabilise yourself. I find it hard to believe that you are doomed, your just in a bad place. Today you took a step from that place to a better one. Your friend Jamie xxx. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catsmother21 Posted September 22, 2011 Report Share Posted September 22, 2011 Hi I'm a bit more awake now. Don't be sorry sweets - you've had a really tough day and talked about some really hard stuff. Be really really kind to yourself sweets - you don't have to feel ashamed either. Lots of people change careers in their life but for the moment, I think you need to concentrate on yourself. Take care of yourself my lovely xxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
starryeyesee Posted September 22, 2011 Author Report Share Posted September 22, 2011 thanks(((((jamie))))) and (((((((cats)))))) it has been hard today don't know how to be nice to myself got rehearsals and gig tomorrow an saturday with new drummer so got to put on a face somehow. Can't admit to best friend/ guitarist that I have been drinking again cos he will have a go at me. Luckily I have you, my friends on here, that I can be honest with. haven't eaten anything yet and drinking so gonna get some food together thanks again xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catsmother21 Posted September 22, 2011 Report Share Posted September 22, 2011 Eating properly is doing something nice for yourself - so that's good and then there's having a nice long soak in the bath and an early night if possible. Do you feel able to cut down on the drink a bit and work towards getting sober again - it will help to see things a bit clearer. I know how hard it is sweets and you are right we are always here for you. xxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
canadianbumble Posted September 22, 2011 Report Share Posted September 22, 2011 Hi Starry, I think it is amazing that you achieved going on tour and all that. Sometimes the way I cope with things is when the stress is on I look like I'm coping really well and I will be very high-functioning. The point where it all falls apart is after the event when I take stock or have a moment to reflect. All the stress seems to explode at that point. As others have said I think it's better to be open to psychs if you can. Though I'm not very good at that myself so I should probably not say anything on that. I struggle with not drinking everyday at the moment It's like a fire raging through my body I want it that much. I want to bury myself in alcohol but am thinking how much I will have been sober for nothing if I do that. I truely hope you will be careful and gentle with yourself Starry I can't really say much about mini od's because it's another thing I do sometimes but it could all go so wrong. You are a truely brave person to be out there doing what you do. I really hope you will get the help and support you need. Bumble xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jam-parker Posted September 22, 2011 Report Share Posted September 22, 2011 Starry1, That sounds a good idea having something to eat, I hope you enjoy it. And yes you do. Jamie xxx. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catsmother21 Posted September 23, 2011 Report Share Posted September 23, 2011 Morning Starry Just tried to PM you but your box must be full. All I was wanting to say is that I hope you are feeling a bit better today xxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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