carlylight1 Posted October 10, 2011 Report Share Posted October 10, 2011 this has been a very bad week so far in terms of my depression. things had probably been getting gradully worse for a while and then this week it got dramatically worse and reached rock bottom. i can't see any way out of it and didn't know what else to do so tonight i phoned the crisis team. i find it very hard to reach out for help-the more depressed i get the harder it becomes because it feels like such a risk and if they can't or won't help i know it'll make me feel worse than not asking at all amongst other reasons. its just really hard to do and feel really exposed doing it and like i have no right to. anyway called crisis and it went ok. i remember speaking to this man before and he's really nice but i worry other people won't be as understanding. he more or less got a bit of an accurate idea of whats been going on i don't know why it feels really awful if i can't express it properly so they don't understand properly but thats probably because i'm overly sensitive when depressed. but he was listening to what i said about how things have got a lot worse and said i should try and get an emergency appointment with my pdoc. i don't really know what he will be able to do apart from try more different meds but i suppose its worth doing as he's nice and i hadn't thought of doing it before the crisis man suggested it. he also said go see my gp again but i told him this has made me worse lately and that i find it hard talking to gp's about mh things anyway and not being able to get how i feel across often makes me feel worse. so i think i'l see how soon i can get an appt. to see the pdoc and if its not very soon i might try and force myself to go to the gp. i am worried it feels like reaching out in these ways is a big risk and could lead to lots of disappointments and judgements and other things that could make things even worse than they are now but didn't know what else to do. so will just have to keep my fingers crossed that things go ok Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catsmother21 Posted October 10, 2011 Report Share Posted October 10, 2011 ((Vivien)) I have been so worried about you recently because you are so unwell at the moment and I really do think that you have done the right thing and reached out for help. I hope you get an appt with your pdoc soon and that it goes well and you are not left feeling judged or disappointed. Let us know how things go. Much love to you xxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
detroitguy Posted October 10, 2011 Report Share Posted October 10, 2011 Vivien - I agree with what Cats said as well. I am glad that you are making an attempt to reach out and get some help. Hopefully you will soon be on the road to recovery. Take care - Detroitguy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
carlylight1 Posted October 10, 2011 Author Report Share Posted October 10, 2011 ty cats, dg and christine for thinking about me. i did feel a bit better after speaking to him on the phone than before so hopefully thats a good sign.i'l let you know how it goes xxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Benway Posted October 11, 2011 Report Share Posted October 11, 2011 Hiya ((vivien)) Am glad that you 'did the right thing' .Glad you are feeling a little better for it too. Keep posted on how you get on? Love & light & hugs tight xx am Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
carlylight1 Posted October 11, 2011 Author Report Share Posted October 11, 2011 will do a.m, should maybe have an idea tomorrow as to if i can see the pdoc soon. feel bad for asking to get an earlier appointment but i'm trying to accept that doing anything or even doing nothing is bound to feel a bit bad right now. ty for hugs hope you feeling better soon too xxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Breadroll Posted October 11, 2011 Report Share Posted October 11, 2011 It's a horrible feeling to feel like you're being judged by doctors and stuffs, I'm going through the same thing at the moment. I spent half an hour with my GP in fits of tears and I just felt stupid because she isn't trained to deal with people like me. I ended up just sending her a letter instead of visiting her again, and that's what got me my referral. If you don't feel like you can go through with an appointment maybe a letter would be the way to go? For me it was much less distressing. Another thing I will say is don't let those fuckers push you around and refuse you treatment in any way! If you ask for help they need to give it to you, that's that. If you need a firm letter writer I'm your lady I'm sorry to hear you're feeling so down, I really hope things get better for you soon. If you want to talk feel free to message me whenever you like. Many hugs darling!! xxxxxxxxxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
carlylight1 Posted October 11, 2011 Author Report Share Posted October 11, 2011 ty breadroll xxxxxx update- woke up very depressed again and spent a couple of hours trying to call the pdoc. eventually did it and asked if i could make an emergency appointment. the receptionist said curtly 'we don't have emergency appointments'. stupidly it sounded like the worst invalidating thing in the world and i burst out crying and i'm ashamed to say said something like 'i don't fucking know what else to do i've been suicidal all week and how it had been really hard to make the call along with how i'd spoke to the crisis team. she told me to calm down and then said something about emergency appointments i can't remember what she said properly and that she'd speak to the dr and will call me back. feel utterly pathetic and small that i couldn't control myself and ended up swearing on the phone. just hate having to interact with the world when feeling like this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Myla Posted October 11, 2011 Report Share Posted October 11, 2011 i find it very hard to reach out for help-the more depressed i get the harder it becomes because it feels like such a risk and if they can't or won't help i know it'll make me feel worse than not asking at all amongst other reasons. its just really hard to do and feel really exposed doing it and like i have no right to. (((Vivien))) so beautifully honest. I'm this too. As for this morning, as much as you may be ashamed for swearing (please don't be though as I personally think it's perfectly reasonable given the situation) this has probably given you the best chance of getting an earlier appointment. Really hope it's positive after you've tried so hard to reach for the help. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
carlylight1 Posted October 11, 2011 Author Report Share Posted October 11, 2011 ty for your support myla it means a lot, xxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
carlylight1 Posted October 11, 2011 Author Report Share Posted October 11, 2011 they said i can go early next week. i don't know what i'm hoping it will achieve but it has helped a bit in the past and maybe different meds. hate it i just feel like a big time waster. will let you know how it goes xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catsmother21 Posted October 11, 2011 Report Share Posted October 11, 2011 Well done for ringing and I hope that they can do something to help you xxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
canadianbumble Posted October 11, 2011 Report Share Posted October 11, 2011 Hi Vivien, sorry you're feeling so so down. I would have cried too. When down I'm very senstive to other peoples judgement. Well done for calling that takes balls in itself. I really hope they can sort out things so you can feel better again. xxBumble Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
carlylight1 Posted October 11, 2011 Author Report Share Posted October 11, 2011 ty cats and bumble xxxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lauraw2693 Posted October 11, 2011 Report Share Posted October 11, 2011 Well done you for making that phonecall and standing your ground, I really hope the appointment is helpful to you big hugs xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Christine001 Posted October 11, 2011 Report Share Posted October 11, 2011 Hi Vivien i would have done the same as you, glad they will sort out an appt but you have us to talk to until then.x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Breadroll Posted October 11, 2011 Report Share Posted October 11, 2011 Good for you for calling I really hope they pull their socks up and help you hun. You shouldn't feel pathetic for swearing, you need to make these people understand that you're serious. You're not a time waster in the slightest either, it's their job to help you! Much love xxxxxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MaddieT Posted October 11, 2011 Report Share Posted October 11, 2011 Hear, hear to all the posts. Don't apologise for swearing and don't think you are a timewaster. Sometimes we have to put our heads above the parapet to be heard and the courage you found to do this is whats gonna get you through. I think you are amazing xx Good luck with the pdoc - what i found helpful is writing down over a couple of days before how i felt things had changed - made sure i got my point across and when i got upset i just slid it across the table so they could clearly see how i felt. Lots of hugs Maddie xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
carlylight1 Posted October 11, 2011 Author Report Share Posted October 11, 2011 ty everyone you it really means a lot that you are all here xxxxxx have been feeling a wee bit less depressed tonight so immediately am now having more feelings about being a time waster/attention seeker. i keep trying to tell myself that it has been the worst week for a long time but even throughout it i've had the odd hour where i've felt not as bad but it hasn't lasted long at all. and i keep trying to remember what the crisis team man said about trying to get help soon as poss in case it get any worse. still feel guilty but it probably is the depression trying find something else to attack me with. maddie- i think what you suggest is definitely the right thing to do. i know i'l be very anxious and nervous when i go and won't be able to get the words out so writing it out should make it easier. thanks again xxxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MaddieT Posted October 11, 2011 Report Share Posted October 11, 2011 Hey honey, Dont feel guilty about feeling a bit better. Its when we see a little bit of light we question ourselves and our intentions but stick to your guns and those reasons why you need some help. Its when we are at our lowest and our body and mind are in so much pain we bravely ask for help. You can't get any lower than this and the only way is to feel that tiny bit better even for a fleeting moment, but can so easily disappear into the darkness again. Thats why i said you were amazing that you have found the courage and strength to ask. They are only thoughts that come and go that tell us that we are a timewaster or don't deserve it - you are not and you definately deserve it - push them away and concentrate on getting yourself better xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fedup! Posted October 11, 2011 Report Share Posted October 11, 2011 Hey missis, Don't know about you, but when I'm feeling down and people say the right things, I feel guilty and bad for 'making them' feel worried. I wholeheartedly believe - wholeheartedly KNOW - you are NOT a time waster and you are in fact sensible and strong for reaching out for help (even though 'experts' can make that difficult, like that lady on the phone). Completely understand if you can't take that on board and believe it yourself, hun. However, you know we all care for you on here and really hope you feel stronger soon. So if the nasty voices of depression are making you feel like a timewaster, everyone here knows you absolutely aren't hun xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Myla Posted October 11, 2011 Report Share Posted October 11, 2011 (((Vivien))) you're so not a time-waster. I think it is only natural to feel (even a tiny bit) better having reached out. However, feeling fleetingly ok doesn't take away the darkest moments when they come. Really pleased that you've got the appt for early next week and as others have said until then you have us on here :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lily-Bee Posted October 11, 2011 Report Share Posted October 11, 2011 I think though you feel very sensitive right now youre also aware of that sensitivity and that helps you to see perspective and to be extra careful with yourself. From the outside looking in I can tell youre having a hard time but also that youre handling it wisely which in these circumstance is not easy. Trust yourself,trust that you know what is best for you and what is right or not right. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
carlylight1 Posted October 11, 2011 Author Report Share Posted October 11, 2011 ((((fedup)))((((myla)))) ty xxxxxxxxx Don't know about you, but when I'm feeling down and people say the right things, I feel guilty and bad for 'making them' feel worried. YES! its a very hard thing to put into words but that description is very close to it. i need peoples support but when people are there i start feeling very un-deserving and uncomfortable and want to disappear. i think that contributes to why i might seem a bit stand off-ish at times when i seem to disappear away from people being nice. kindness is something i need to learn how to accept more as its the only way to form relationships with people and i am so, so grateful for all the replies on this thread and the forum in general. you're so not a time-waster. I think it is only natural to feel (even a tiny bit) better having reached out. ty myla for the validation. it felt typical that as soon as i'd made a huge effort to ask for help that i felt a bit better. i suppose that theres a little bit of hope for a possibility of change that comes with reaching out to someone and i've not had much hope for a while so that makes a difference too. i'd just feel less of a time waster if it haddn't had a positive effect. i'm trying to prepare myself that tomorrow morning might be a whole different story again tho. xxxxxxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
carlylight1 Posted October 11, 2011 Author Report Share Posted October 11, 2011 thank you lily. i'm trying to do the right thing part of me wants to cancel the appointment and say i'm a bit better and not suicidal right now and i'm sorry for making a fuss. but the other part is just really terrified of feeling that low and desperate again and that i need to tell the doctor about it to try and stop it happening again xxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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