Afraid

[Kaiteysan]

My boyfriend came to see me tonight. As he was about to leave, I got this sharp emotional pang. It was almost like I got kicked in the stomach.

He could tell something was wrong, so he asked me if I was feeling okay. We'd just gotten past an argument yesterday, and I really don't want to put any more strain on him. So instead of saying what I really felt - which was "No, I'm not. I feel like I'm crazy and it's only a matter of time until you realise this and leave me for good." I said - "I'm just scared." Which was all I could really say without lying to him about what was really going through my head. He wasn't totally sure for a while why I said it, but I'm pretty sure he understood after studying my face. He tried to reassure me, telling me that he loves me and he's here if I need anything. He also asked me if I wanted him to stay tonight. I knew I wanted him to, but I said no, because I felt utterly stupid.

1) I didn't want him to have to put up with me while I'm feeling this way, and 2) I'm terrified he's going to get sick of me and break up with me.

It's so frustrating because I know that these feelings are artificial, but I don't understand why the hell I'm still feeling them. I'm so frustrated I want to cry..