carlylight1 Posted October 26, 2011 Report Share Posted October 26, 2011 i've struggled with this probably forever but its got a lot worse in the last 6/7 months or so. theres probably not any advice for it but thought i'd write it out anyway. basically i feel like i'm not really a person (i know i'm a person but i'm not a 'proper' person if that makes sense, don't know how to explain it)and then when i am around people that becomes more obvious to me and its painful. i i get scared they can see it too. its a lot of effort to try to appear 'natural' and 'normal' with people and i always feel like they can see i'm just pretending anyway. which also makes me feel embarassed/ashamed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
starryeyesee Posted October 26, 2011 Report Share Posted October 26, 2011 I get these feelings and the only way I can cope with it is to get drunk I think its good that you recognise these feelings - it gives you something to work on. Are you seeing a T at the moment? It may be something to bring up with them I'm sorry you feel so bad starry xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lonelyheartemma Posted October 26, 2011 Report Share Posted October 26, 2011 Vivien, i really am sorry you feel like this but thank you for posting it. I've never thought of it like that before but thats how i feel. I'm not a proper person. I dont know how to make that feeling go away or how to make it hurt less (((((((vivien))))))) but i agree with starry its something to talk about in therapy (and i will too if i ever get off the waiting list), maybe therapy can teach you ways of thinking that helps you to find yourself. I think you're a proper person and a really lovely person but being told that isnt enough if you can't feel it yourself Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lois_Lane Posted October 26, 2011 Report Share Posted October 26, 2011 (((viven))) I had the very same problem, I was sure I was "strange, ugly etc" and that people notice that and when I was out I was sure they were looking me strangely. So I didn't go out of the house for a long periods, only when I had to. But after talking to my therapist a few times, I realized that it was all in my head. You are a wonderful person and believe me, people see exactly that. Maybe if you try meeting people often you will realize that they see you as a great person that you are. xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
carlylight1 Posted October 26, 2011 Author Report Share Posted October 26, 2011 ((((starry)))((((emma))) sometimes it really felt like i was alone with this feeling but i'm really sorry you both know what its like too. its hard, especially when everyone in the outside world seems to know what they are doing, even if they don't they seem good at pretending and i wish i could at least do that. instead of feeling self conscious all the time. the few individual therapy sessions i've had went ok- i could talk a lot about things. then when i tried the group therapy it was the complete opposite-i clammed up being in a group it was so overwhelming and i barely said a word even tho i was desperate to talk. and then i just left the sessions feeling really rubbish about myself. starry- when i used to take ecstasy that was the first time in my life i ever felt comfortable with myself and others, it was amazing. i can well understand turning to drink if it does something similar for you. in fact if the comedowns weren't so bad from it i'd probably still be taking it to this day. p.s i think you two are both proper people and i really wish it was easier to see it xxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
carlylight1 Posted October 26, 2011 Author Report Share Posted October 26, 2011 (((viven))) I had the very same problem, I was sure I was "strange, ugly etc" and that people notice that and when I was out I was sure they were looking me strangely. So I didn't go out of the house for a long periods, only when I had to. But after talking to my therapist a few times, I realized that it was all in my head. You are a wonderful person and believe me, people see exactly that. Maybe if you try meeting people often you will realize that they see you as a great person that you are. xxx thanks lois, thats kind of my pattern of behaviour that you describe. i just feel like i'm so weird and strange not knowing how to be comfortable with people. i don't know i think i just feel vulnerable when they can see how weird i am and how much i don't fit in- so i avoid them. ty for sharing your story and showing that things can get better xxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
canadianbumble Posted October 26, 2011 Report Share Posted October 26, 2011 Hi (((Vivien))) like you, 1-2-1 therapy was ok but group therapy is really hard. I feel like such a fool. As like Starry I use alcohol to feel ok. The past 3/4 months where I wasn't drinking I really didn't feel like a real person either. I don't really know how to get around this but just to tell you are not on your own there. xxB Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Christine001 Posted October 26, 2011 Report Share Posted October 26, 2011 Hi I identify with this too, I am ok if at work and I have a role, but ask me to go to lunch without my close friend at work and I feel somehow out of it, force myself to nod and sometimes ask questions but thats all. Most of the time I find an excuse not to go, I did for a long time hate going out, even to the shops as thought everyone was looking at me, I kept saying to my friend is this normal and she said everyone feels like this sometimes but I knew it was more than this.The only trip out I do now are in relation to my role. i have been looking at a few things to do with identity and bpd and think its linked to this, When I understand it more I will let you know. Hope it helps to know you are not alone with this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
carlylight1 Posted October 26, 2011 Author Report Share Posted October 26, 2011 ((((bumble))))((((christine)))) i can see what you mean i think it is something identity related. if i had a role i would know what i had to do to live upto it in a way. and as many problems as working caused it did help to have that place in the world. its finding an identity outside of those roles where the problem seems to lie-not knowing what or how to be then. i'd be very interested to know of anything you come across. bumble i hope therapy gets easier it does feel like such a strange, artificial environment to be in whilst you're in it. it does help to know other people feel it, i know how hard it must be for everyone xxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fedup! Posted October 26, 2011 Report Share Posted October 26, 2011 vivien xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Struggling myself at the mo so am bit rubbish with words. I think there are some comforting supportive words on here - hope you are feeling them hun. You are not alone xxxxxxxxxxxxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
carlylight1 Posted October 26, 2011 Author Report Share Posted October 26, 2011 yes i am, thanks hun. sorry you are struggling ((((fedup)))))xxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stjaninaro Posted October 26, 2011 Report Share Posted October 26, 2011 Can relate so much to this. I've always felt like a shell of a real person, going around doing what was expected but never really there. its a lot of effort to try to appear 'natural' and 'normal' with people and i always feel like they can see i'm just pretending anyway. which also makes me feel embarassed/ashamed. Yes, this exactly. And embarrassment for me, is the worst thing in the world. I'll take forever lasting anxiety and despair over embarrassment. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Myla Posted October 26, 2011 Report Share Posted October 26, 2011 ((vivien)), I go through periods like this. I've often done the pretending coping mechanism where I literally just pretend I'm an actress in a film of my life. Mostly this works and when it doesn't I lock myself away for a while until I'm "recharged" enough to participate again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bena.baby Posted October 27, 2011 Report Share Posted October 27, 2011 Know what you mean Vivien. It's not a nice feeling. Like you, I've noticed this getting worse for me lately. When I go out, I have to make a huge effort to talk and a lot of the time I just sit, panicking, no idea what to say. When I say things, it's like I'm watching me saying them. It's not me, I'm not whole. The other night I was in a bar with 2 friends and my boyfriend and I just sat there silently. Horrible. I know people think I'm a massive snob. At work I talk to people all day, and sometimes I just want to run out of the room and never go back. Ecstasy also used to help me feel so much better. Not taken any in a year, maybe I should. It's crap, isn't it? :( Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roses Posted October 27, 2011 Report Share Posted October 27, 2011 ((((Vivien)))) so sorry you feel this way. I think if you asked the other people in the room what they thought of themselves you'd be shocked what their innermost thoughts were too. Sometimes the loudest most confident person is the smallest inside. xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
carlylight1 Posted October 27, 2011 Author Report Share Posted October 27, 2011 thank you everyone for the support, i knew in a way it couldn't have been just me but its such a strange, lonely feeling at times it really did feel that way. i'm sorry that you all go through it too tho. stjaninaro-i am 100% with you on that. embarrassment and feeling ashamed are absolutely unbearable. myla- consciously pretending to be an actress does sound like a good idea in order to get by. to try and accept that you are going to have to be fake in a way in some situations and just going with it might help to eliminate some of the fear that comes with wanting to be natural but being scared of others being able to see that you are not. trying to accept that they see you as fake but being ok with that. i think i've half tried this before but its definitely worth another shot. i can see why its hard to have the energy for it all the time tho- i need to have time to lock myself away in order to recuperate from being around people too. esme- that just sitting there, panicking and not knowing what to say feeling really is horrible i hate it. in the past i've been around people who don't feel like talking so they just don't and yet seem to make it work for them, like its no big deal! i'm always quite impressed that people can do this and not feel bad about themselves its like they just don't feel the same social pressures as us. i miss ecstasy a lot too... surely scince should be able to manufacture a side- effect free version of it! roses- that is so true. its hard to remember at times when everyone seems so like they know what they are doing and look comfortable. it is well worth always trying to remember it tho. thank you for the hugs and it is great that you are back on the forum again xxxxxxxxxxxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Benway Posted October 27, 2011 Report Share Posted October 27, 2011 Hiya ((vivien)) Can relate to stuff on this thread. Was reading about the positive effects of EX on ptsd, studies ongoing in the USA atm. Dunno how they deal with the comedowns tho. 'SWIM' (someone who i met ;-) took it a couple of months ago, had a good night yea but spent the next day in tears, think 'SWIM' is just getting her serotonin or whatever levels back to the usual sub-normal pre-ex levels. It can be so tempting sitting in a club seeing others dancing , laughing, hugging, (and gurning) , knowing you can be like that within 30 mins. Vivien i'm not just throwing flowers at you, but i think you are kind, caring, and sensitive and a friend. Altho too much sensitive feels like a burden. I find times i am living in me head more difficult, add depression and gravity x 10 so i'm stuck to the sofa, know its not easy to become a 'full person' (whatever that is, but you get the concept?) when one feels like a shell, and a fragile one at that. This is all prolly a lot of shite, but i mean well, love ya sweets, xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
carlylight1 Posted October 27, 2011 Author Report Share Posted October 27, 2011 i'm glad you consider me a friend am. i love the fact that people here understand the things that are hard to mention in the 'real world'. i know its not real life but in a way people here know far more about each other than often rl friends do. it is so tempting with ecstasy but the comedowns are yuk. i found it to be three days of utter shitness and its hard to say how long the residual effects lasted. but the payoff of one amazing night did seem worth it for a while anyway. its really interesting they've done trials to use it for ptsd. i've just skim-read a book by a a psychiatrist (he's properly qualified and everything) who has been using lsd on his patients (all kinds of different problems) for years as part of their treatment. found this mind boggling after only recently watching a documentary on peter green of fleetwood mac and the trouble he had with lsd . it was a very interesting read tho and the dr claims to have had a lot of success! love to you hun xxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catspiracy Posted October 27, 2011 Report Share Posted October 27, 2011 I have problems being around people, too. At the moment, I can't stand to be around ANYONE...(except cuddling with hubby). At the last camping festival we went to, I found myself doing my new solitary party routine. I am feeling less and less awkward about this feature of who I am. I think I was dissociating really bad that weekend...I could barely focus on anyone's face. Then I've been drinking most every day again lately. I can't remember going to bed most nights. Being around people feels very painful like electricity burning me just under my skin. It's very much like electricity, because it causes me to twitch and find it so hard to hold still. It's like I'm badly sunburned and their auras are like tanning lamps aimed at me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catspiracy Posted October 27, 2011 Report Share Posted October 27, 2011 I cant stand the phone or texting or chatting or anything right now!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
carlylight1 Posted October 28, 2011 Author Report Share Posted October 28, 2011 (((catspiracy))) hope you are feeling a little better in yourself cats. i find it easier to cope with people if i happen to have a day where i feel confident in myself. it'll still hard to know how to connect and the awkwardness that accompanies that will be there. but the confidence serves to stop the awkwardness becoming too unbearably affecting. i remember how you said about feeling like an emotional sponge and i could relate to that. its hard knowing how to remain intact when just being around people and having to respond to their energy and perceptions and how they see me. feels like i have to construct something for them and then the inner emptiness starts. i in no way blame them for this, i know the problem is due to me because i don't have a core sense of self in place. the pdoc currently seems to be mulling over a schizophrenia diagnosis but when i read up on it i'm not sure and its more schizoid personality disorder processes i can identify with. and then i'm not sure about that because i think how in an ideal world where it wasn't made so hard because of emotional/psychological issues then of course i'd want to be around people more. its just all so confusing! xxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dibley Posted October 29, 2011 Report Share Posted October 29, 2011 It's weird being out with people and seeing people laugh and enjoy theirselves, when inside we know we can't be like that, and that it's not easy to pretend. We say we want to leave and they look at us funny, like we must be mad. I know how you feel. x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lonelyheartemma Posted October 29, 2011 Report Share Posted October 29, 2011 I hate hearing other people laugh. i know i should be happy for them but i either get paranoid theyre laughing at me or i just feel sad because i'm never going to be in a group of laughing friends Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
carlylight1 Posted October 29, 2011 Author Report Share Posted October 29, 2011 ((((headhurts))))they make it look so easy too and then i feel extra bad because i realize how different i am for finding it so hard. its a very lonely feeling at times. i hope it will get easier for you xxxx ((((emma)))) i get paranoid about the laughter too. i try to explain it to myself that its because i feel so self-conscious so am noticng everything but it doesn't always work i hope you are in a group of nice friends one day soon. i know its harder in real life but if the people in rl could see what you are like i don't see how they couldn't want you as part of their group xxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lonelyheartemma Posted October 29, 2011 Report Share Posted October 29, 2011 aww I love you Vivien! I wish I your friend, but I'd stay away when you needed to be alone xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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