catsmother21 Posted October 29, 2011 Report Share Posted October 29, 2011 For a few weeks now I have been dipping into a deep depression. I spent a few days away from here just laying on the sofa under a throw either dozing or staring at the ceiling. Then I came back on here but just couldn't talk and couldn't support and so was very quiet and then I started to become a bit more talkative and I was beginning to think that the depression was beginning to lift but depression is a nasty evil and cunning thing because just when you feel that it is starting to go, it laughs in your face and brings you right back down again. Like it was letting you feel a bit better for a few days so that it could bring you back down and make you feel even worse. I hate it, I really do hate it :( Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lonelyheartemma Posted October 29, 2011 Report Share Posted October 29, 2011 ((((((((cats)))))))))) I'm sorry you feel so bad. if its any consolation at all its comforting just seeing you around the place but even tho that might make us feel better it doesnt really help you. I can relate I think, i'm not really supporting, idk what to say at all. I'm feeling better than i did, i'm feeling quite ok for me but that ability to support is still missing for me. I so hope you feel better soon, you are amazing and so nice xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
*debz* Posted October 29, 2011 Report Share Posted October 29, 2011 hey, I understand you totally, I have days like you, feel positive think im back on track, then WHAM!!! you wake up one morning feeling so down and you wonder why, nothing has to change to make you feel that way!! its so horrible, i have tried to pin point when im going to get down and realize that my anxiety increases before i crash, so i kinda know when its going to happen, maybe you could try to look for a clue when this is going to happen for you. Its so hard but the bad days do lift we just have to get threw them. hope you feel better soon xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catsmother21 Posted October 29, 2011 Author Report Share Posted October 29, 2011 Bless you Emma you are always so lovely to me. I am very glad to hear that you are feeling better than you did and I know what you mean about the ability to support being missing - I feel like it has just left me completely and most of the time I am only capable of giving hugs. Perhaps it's our brain's way of telling us to just take it easy for a bit and look after ourselves - hey I don't know, I don't seem to know much at the moment! xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ILostHer Posted October 29, 2011 Report Share Posted October 29, 2011 Wish I could help, completely empathise. Sorry you are feeling this way and I too hope you feel better soon xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catsmother21 Posted October 29, 2011 Author Report Share Posted October 29, 2011 Hi Debz It's horrible isn't it but you might have made me realise something with your post because I have been suffering a lot with anxiety lately and so I will try to look out for that in the future - thanks so much xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catsmother21 Posted October 29, 2011 Author Report Share Posted October 29, 2011 Thanks ((IlLC)) - hope you feel better soon too xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Myla Posted October 29, 2011 Report Share Posted October 29, 2011 Hugs are lovely (((cats))) . I don't know what else to say. Seems like a lot of us are in a bit of a slump. I feel only capable of giving practical support, anything emotional and I feel like a fraud. You know, when you want to say to someone that you promise it will get better but you don't actually believe it yourself. xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barebones Posted October 29, 2011 Report Share Posted October 29, 2011 Hope things ease up for you cats x Sry i am not much help, but understand where your coming from xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Christine001 Posted October 29, 2011 Report Share Posted October 29, 2011 yes I know those feelings xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catsmother21 Posted October 29, 2011 Author Report Share Posted October 29, 2011 Thanks ((Myla and Barbones)) I know what you mean Myla about feeling a fraud - that is just what I feel like at the moment xx Barbones just the fact that you have taken the time to reply when you are feeling so awful yourself means a lot to me xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catsmother21 Posted October 29, 2011 Author Report Share Posted October 29, 2011 Thanks Christine - it's an awful feeling like this isn't it? xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fedup! Posted October 29, 2011 Report Share Posted October 29, 2011 Yep...I know THAT feelin' xxxxxxxxxxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catsmother21 Posted October 29, 2011 Author Report Share Posted October 29, 2011 Thanks for the understanding fedup xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
carlylight1 Posted October 29, 2011 Report Share Posted October 29, 2011 (((catsmother))) hugs mean the world and are always good to receive. they're not 'only' hugs there's thought and care behind them. like what others have said i can relate to your description of depression too it is a very cunning, nasty thing. i hate how even the simplest things become impossible to manage when we are depressed. and then when i'm a little better its hard to remember just how hard everything can get again. and a lot of the times it changes so quickly you just don't know where you are with it all. its rubbish xxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catsmother21 Posted October 29, 2011 Author Report Share Posted October 29, 2011 I know what you mean about not knowing where you are with it. I have worked so hard on the BPD side of things and have a lot more control than I used to but with the depression I just feel like there's nothing I can do about it. I definitely need my anti-ds changing and am in the middle of a wrangle with my pdoc about it - she doesn't want to or won't change them but I'm the one that is taking them and I'm the one that knows they are not working! Anti-ds are the only thing that I can tackle this with but I'm not having much luck there. It does change very quickly indeed. I think I've said this somewhere before but if it is a given that I have to have depression then it would be much easier to deal with if you knew that on Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday you were going to feel really really bad and Wednesday, Friday and Saturday were just going to be run of the mill bad and that Sunday was going to be an OK day or when it goes on for weeks and months sometimes, if you just knew when it was going to end and you knew that you just had to hang in til then, it would make it all much easier to deal with - the not knowing is an awful thing. Before I came down the post viral fatigue thing, I was using my exercise bike to help with the depression but I can't use that at the moment and can't until I have recovered from this. I am getting there with it, I would say that my symptoms are 50% better than when they were at their worst so I am recovering slowly but surely and hope that I will be able to get back on my bike soon. Ho hum - I agree tis all rubbish!! :( Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bereft Posted October 30, 2011 Report Share Posted October 30, 2011 Sending you love, cats, and hoping you feel better soon. :bigarmhug[1]: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catsmother21 Posted October 30, 2011 Author Report Share Posted October 30, 2011 Thank you Bereft and it's nice to see you xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
carlylight1 Posted October 30, 2011 Report Share Posted October 30, 2011 hi cats,i agree that would make it so much easier to deal with if you knew when things were going to go bad. it makes it so hard to plan anything too. i've been meeting to meet up with my friend in town but i don't want to make a firm plan for a date in the future as its hit and miss what my mood will be like. thankfully she's been understanding about it and said she'll call me the night before she gets a day off and if things are ok we can meet up. this seems better than having to cancel a long standing arrangement. i've managed to do a lot of cleaning today and doing that has cheered me up. i find it really annoying how some days i just can't do these things which would make me feel even better if i was well enough to be able to. (i think this is the thing that non-depressed people find it hard to understand -how somedays you just can't). i can see why you're pee'd off with your pdoc. i'm very bad at coping with that kind of invalidation. it just makes no sense to me how they can't realise how important it is for the patient to be involved in making decisions about their own care. i don't know you're pdoc and i can't see how she could have this this view but i guess its possible she could be one of those people who presumes all ssri's are the same because they are the same class of meds. after being on a few i found they're all a bit different. i know when i first went on sertraline my friend c (who used to be a mh nurse) thought this was a good idea as she'd always heard more good reports about this one from patients. its probably not good for everyone and i remember getting very vivid dreams for a while but i'd say it is the best i've been on. best wishes, i'm glad to hear the post viral is stable but i do wish you're pdoc could be a bit more co-operative xxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catsmother21 Posted October 31, 2011 Author Report Share Posted October 31, 2011 i can see why you're pee'd off with your pdoc. i'm very bad at coping with that kind of invalidation. it just makes no sense to me how they can't realise how important it is for the patient to be involved in making decisions about their own care. i don't know you're pdoc and i can't see how she could have this this view but i guess its possible she could be one of those people who presumes all ssri's are the same because they are the same class of meds. after being on a few i found they're all a bit different. hello sweets and thanks for your reply. The most annoying thing about my pdoc is that she has always said that we are a partnership and I should have as much input as her about my care but that was when I was complying with everything that she wanted but now that I've stuck my hand up in the air and said this isn't working - I want something else - BAM down come the shutters and all of a sudden it's all about her deciding what is best for me. She did also say what you mentioned that SSRIs are all similar but I believe like you that there is a difference - I know because I've been on a few of them! I could maybe understand her reaction if this was an impulsive decision but I have been flagging it up with her for about a year after I realised that it is the citalopram that is stopping me from sleeping but she always told me that it was nothing to do with the citalopram and I only found out by accident when I decided that I didn't want to be so numb and decreased the dose from 60mg to 20mg and hey presto my sleep came back! So I've got solid evidence but no she is trying to tell me that it is all in my head! If 20mg was enough that I would quite happily stay on that dose but with the depression being so much worse it is obvious that I do need a higher dose of something but not citalopram! My hubby is furious because he is the one that sees me suffer either from lack of sleep (on 60mg I was getting 1-2 hours per night) and he doesn't know how I have managed to not break down completely and end up in hospital and then on the lower dose he sees me suffering badly with the depression. He wants to come with me to my next appt and I think I will let him because she might listen to him and might realise that it is most definitely not 'all in my head'. He also wants me to sack her but I don't know about that because they all tend to pull together and I don't think that would help me. Gosh sorry for going on but it is something that is really getting to me. I've got a CPN appt tomorrow and I am going to see if she can get me an emergency appt with my pdoc because my next appt isn't until December and that is just too far away at the moment. So fingers crossed for tomorrow!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bonkers101 Posted October 31, 2011 Report Share Posted October 31, 2011 Hey Catsmother My boyfriend has been diagnosed with depression in the past few months and was given 20mg of Citalopram. That didnt seem to be working for him so they upped him to 40mg - he turned into a different person (not in a good way), he was really moody, cranky, had no energy or desire to do anything and was just in a grumpy haze. he was a nightmare to be around. It got to the stage where I couldnt deal with him as he was making my problems worse (I've got BPD and had just started taking new meds myself) so I was going to break up with him. He decided to lower his dose back to 20mg Citalopram and his doc put him on a low dose of a tricyclic antidepressant called 'Amiteiptyline' (10mg). It seems to be really working for him in tandem with the Citalopram and he seems much more steady - its really helping his sleep too. He suffers from back pain due to a spinal injury he had years ago and its helping with that also. Obviously everyone is different and its often a trial and error thing with meds, but I just thought I'd share this with you Its made a big difference to our relationship as I have decided to give it another go.... xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catsmother21 Posted October 31, 2011 Author Report Share Posted October 31, 2011 Hi Bonkers Thanks so much for telling me this - it adds a bit more evidence to what i already have and will mention the amitryptiline to her. Much appreciated xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roses Posted October 31, 2011 Report Share Posted October 31, 2011 So sorry you have been so down cat. Sending you love xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catsmother21 Posted October 31, 2011 Author Report Share Posted October 31, 2011 Thanks Roses xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Myla Posted October 31, 2011 Report Share Posted October 31, 2011 Hi cats, makes me cross that your own pdoc won't believe you when difficulty sleeping is listed as a side-effect! Citalopram messed up my sleep completely whilst only on 20mg so I can only sympathise. Hope you can get an earlier appointment and it might help your case having your husband there as he gets to see you first hand daily. xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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