A Revelation! I Know Why My Wife Can't Acknowledge Her Mistakes!

[mark999]

When she views me - in her eyes I am either a saint or a devil. She has difficulty in finding shades of grey. So if she were to acknowledge her actions were causing pain - she would take the entire blame 100% (even though that is obviously not the case) but because she can't go to the middle ground - she must either blame herself completely or blame me completely. And it would be too painful to blame herself completely.

Thank you everyone for your contributions. My previous posts had stated how can I make my wife acknowledge her actions are causing harm to her and me. I received some fantastic, supportive, insightful and some skeptical feedback. But it all led to this revelation.

I can not begin to tell you what this means to me. I think I have figured out the most diffiult step. Now the final step of finding out how I can work round this to make our relationship work.

Thank you all!

[bibiddi]

aww Mark, again you make me laugh.

You're looking at symptoms and making them fit you wife. You daft sod! lol.

I think we should let you go on your way - we dont need to know your thoughts anymore.

I wish you luck.

[mark999]

I never said anything about bpd. I'm just saying that's how she is. Let's say someone who didn't have any condition but saw things in extremes - they would feel the same way.

[bibiddi]

I am glad you have found an answer.

[Christine001]

mark, really you are going over and over the same thing I agree with bibi, think you have had lots of attention, which I suspect you like, Sometimes all people want to do is go round in circles and we get embroiled in this before we realise. hope people have a think about that and we have been thanked enough.

bye from me anyway C

edit sorry bibiddi wrong spelling x

[mark999]

What???

[Lily-Bee]

If my hubby analysed me like some math problem and concluded things about me he has no way of knowing man would I be pissy.

[mark999]

Lily, but if I don't - then how do I find a solution?

What does your hubby do, which works?

[mark999]

See this is what confuses me. I would have thought what I am doing would be extra appreciated.

[Lily-Bee]

Me as in a person with BPD,what works?

We talk,we listen,we make compromises etc

[Lily-Bee]

I think its hard for us to not be offended by the way you approach this.

Youre looking how to "fix" or "deal with" your wife and you say its love,I believe you but anybody can only work on themselves.You cant change her,make her see etc Viewing her as a problem that needs to be fixed doesnt look very nice.

And in all this youre so focussed on her as having BPD and needing to see she is causing pain. thats offensive I think to a lot of us. I have BPD,I dont blame my hubby for everything at all. I dont threaten him with things ever,I dont play the victim etc

In all this I havent seen you looking at your hand in things.

Lily

[mark999]

Lily, thank you for explaining so kindly. Sorry if I offended anyone.

Have a great day.

[Christine001]

but it seems easier to blame her, I am getting a picture of Mark that for me somehow doesnt ring true, just my opinion, for me there are lots of people on here and well its time for them.

perhps mark it is time to try out all the advice that has been given and once you have moved forward then I for one would be happy to support again

[Lily-Bee]

Have you ever considered getting counselling for yourself alone? This obviously weighging on you and by your posts here I think you could use help with it. Help that we cant offer.

Lily

[jenny1471]

Hi

I've been reading your posts on the forum and have wanted to reply but noticed that a lot of people were already replying to you with suggestions and feedback etc. I am a little alarmed by the title of this thread in how your wife is unable to acknowledge HER mistakes.. because we are all human beings and so I'm guessing that you have made mistakes too. I am not accusing you or anything, I'm just wondering whether you are able to take critisicm from her and actually hear is as opposed to looking for an illness to blame what she's saying on? I do hear that her reactions are sometimes extreme in your view, e.g. one minute you're the best then the next she wants a divorce, which cannot be easy.

I think you asked in one reply, what you can do to fix this or move forward.. and my instant reaction is simply to talk to her about it. As people have pointed out, no two people who have depression, BPD or any sort of diagnosis will be the same.. just as no two women or no two men are the same. Everyone is different and yes we do have traits but these are personal to us and our experiences. The only way you will understand your wife is to ask her and IF she wants to confide in you and IF she wants to tell you how she feels, etc. then that's when the real work can begin. But it really is only if she wants this. Is she asking to be 'fixed' or is it you saying she's broken and need fixing? I personally think everyone is broken in life.. different extents maybe, but I am just trying to say that maybe it's not all HER mistakes or HER issues that need to be looked at.

So I'm glad that you've managed to get some answers to your questions on the forum but like so many others, I too urge you to talk to your wife and maybe get some counselling for both of you or even just for yourself should your wife not want to (and that is her right).

Hope things improve for you

Jenny

[mark999]

Good point Lily. I will look into it.

[bibiddi]

Lily, thats code for 'bugger off, I dont have problems, my wife does'!

[manja.]

It takes two to make a relationship.

[Christine001]

mark why arent you listening to what all the kind caring people here who have taken the time to reply and offer you advice. I would like to feel our efforts are not in vain so please answer this without evasion or procrastination?

tell me what is your plan now you have had all our repeated advice?

bullet points will do.

[toaster]

Hi Mark,

if someone assumed they knew my behaviour and what I was thinking - i.e. viewing the world as all good or bad - I would be extremely offended.

Maybe it's not answers for your wife you need to be looking for but rather answers to why you are so desperate for answers?!

Acceptance is a wonderful thing, ever so freeing :)

[mark999]

First up, Lily, I really meant thank you.

Bibiddi, remember no one is attacking you or saying you are bad. This is not about you. I am asking advice for my problem. So please try not to take it personally.

Jenny, I a agree that every human is flawed and I also believe every human has a dark side. However, this is on a completely different level. I have never ever seen anything like this. We have gone to couples therapy. She fought with the first therapist and walked out. The second therapist was good but it led no where because if she was told anything she would literally ignore it. When I sit with her and express my feelings she starts to cry or just goes blank. But she is constantly telling me how she feels and how I should change. The most bizarre thing is that even the things I am hyper conssious of - for example I make sure the kitchen is always clean - it is almost like an obsession. Very soon she started saying 'you don't keep the kitchen clean'. Then the next day she will say 'You are too focused on not important things like cleaning the kitchen'. It is just illogical.

No matter what I do, how I do it, she will find a reason to criticise it. Now you may say - well just leave - end it completely. Well - I genuinely believe that she is a good human and a genuine person. I believe she has a condition and she doesn't realize she is doing something like that.

[Shadow girl]

It sounds to me like you are trying to understand how things work in the mInd of someone with BPD. This is both an excellent and a trickt thing to do. It has the potential to help your relationship no end by easing the stress and confusion you feel in your relationship you feel, making it easier for you not to lose the plot. On the other hand it also increases the possibility of making judgements and assumptions about what others (your wife) is thinking that could be wrong, which I think is what has been reacted to in theis post. Unfortunately those of us with BPD are often judged according to our diagnosis rather than being listened to. For example, we may disagree with something a Dr suggests and instead of listening to our reasons he/she will ignore our opinion writing it off as us being awkward or manipulative because we are BPD. It happens a lot.

However, what you are doing is something I have encouraged my husband to do by giving hom books to read etc. Armed with that knowledge he can then ask me if I think that might me what happened (we have learned that it is best not to do that when I am being extreme about something). This has been helpful because now, sometimes in the middle of me getting all upset and feeling I hate him, I will suddenly remember and start laughing at the stupidity of the situation. This has not been easy and I have stormed off and self harmed etc to get to this point. It was also reliant on me being willing to work at not letting my extremeness ruin our marriage alongside him. I do hope this works for you as you sound like you love your wife very much.

Good luck.

[bibiddi]

Mark, you genuinely make me laugh. I'm not personally involved.

I do think if you and your ex wife spoke together sensibly, you will gain a resolution.

But, I do think, like others have said time and time again, you do need to look at your behaviour, and not hers.

But you will avoid that, again.

Just wanted to add, you have said you have a mathematical brain, it is often confusing having relationships with others because emotions aren't rational. Perhaps looking at that would be more helpful.

[AmyP]

*sigh* thought we had made some progress before.

hun your wife may have problems yes, but you cant assume that 1. its BPD and 2. its all her fault.

maybe i should put this in a way thats more 'mathematical' and 'logical'

(you + wife = not talking properly,

therefore you = assume BPD.

BPD = more severe than wifes problems) = have a mature conversation about it

[mark999]

Shadow girl, thank you. Yes, it is easy to judge a person like that. And during her relaxed times is when I should try to talk about things and keep on making myself more knowledgeable.

Pandora, lol - yes, I understood that very clearly.

Ok, guys, everyone have a wonderful week. And thanks for the support.