A Revelation! I Know Why My Wife Can't Acknowledge Her Mistakes!

[fedup!]

Yes, see ya Mark.

[Lily-Bee]

Something just dawned on me about the way you are with us,a lot of us are obviously not feeling heard,you focus only on what fits in your view and ignore the rest.

And Im thinking when you talk to your wife do you do the same? Do you really hear her or only what you want to hear?

In essence if you treat her the way you behave here I can see where that would frustrate her.

And also your posts are so devoid of feeling,youre solving something here or trying to but where are the feelings?

This must stir up a lot in you.

Lily

[mark999]

Lily, ok, thanks, food for thought.

Yes, I suppose I do come across as a bit mathematical. Though inside i feel a lot of love and emotion for her.

[Sakura]

I have read back over your other threads. I can relate because I had a partner also who I believed had BPD but wasn't getting treatment for it (I am diagnosed with BPD also but was in treatment etc)...my suspicions turned out to be right and some time after we had split up, she received a BPD diagnosis. So I think although you can't really diagnose without a medical qualification, if you know enough about the disorder you can recognise it in people you know very well. The problems in our relationship were two-sided of course, but in the end it went nowhere because she either blamed me for everything, or blamed herself for everything leading to drinking binges/self harm etc...she wouldn't meet me half way and the word "compromise" didn't seem to exist in her dictionary. We also had drug abuse issues and stuff but we parted because I began to get help and try to get better and came off the drugs etc but I couldn't take her with me...it was either let her keep me down or move on...so I did, hoping that she'd eventually get things right for herself. I've still got a long way to go, myself, but I think splitting up was the right thing for us.

Although many people with BPD are in successful long-term relationships (myself included, 4 years going strong now), it is true that we struggle with relationship difficulties - both the DSM and the ICD-10 mention this in the criteria, in the DSM-IV "A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation." and in the ICD-10, EUPD impulsive type, "marked tendency to quarrelsome behaviour and to conflicts with others, especially when impulsive acts are thwarted or criticized; liability to outbursts of anger or violence, with inability to control the resulting behavioural explosions". It doesn't sound like your belief that your wife has BPD is something you've made lightly, it sounds like you've really looked into the condition in depth before deciding to 'label' her as such.

I struggle with trust and I don't like to be controlled or told how I should or shouldn't behave, I see hidden meanings in my partners words that aren't there, I had a period where I went through seeing him as "the enemy"...he was the closest person to me and I went through a stage of such deep depression and I blamed my partner for that because I was with him most of the time. It wasn't all my fault - he had also hit me on a couple of occasions when I had got out of control emotionally (but I had hit him at other times, too), and he had some anger issues. I had a part in that also though, not that it was my fault, but I didn't make a clear boundary about what I considered to be okay and not okay. I split up with him for a time and said I wouldn't get back with him unless he swore never to lay a finger on me again. I also went in the hospital, new medication, therapy, etc and worked on myself. At the time I blamed him for all my problems but as I began to get better I realised it wasn't him (although he had his part in it)...it was my illness that was making me unhappy. Since we got back together a year ago things have been SO much better because I am on the right meds and so is he, he hasn't dared to hit me again, I haven't hit him either, and our communication is much better. Things aren't perfect because there's no such thing as a perfect relationship, but they are better than I ever could have dreamed.

I have only a small but very important piece of advice, and that is this: you cannot change her, and it is not your responsibility to do so. By "change" I mean including "helping" her. If you want to improve your relationship, along with what others have said about communication, you need to really focus on yourself.

At the moment you are weaving your life around her and trying to change her or trying to change yourself to fit with her. Trust me, that is not what she wants - she wants you to be YOU - the person she fell in love with. What is plain from what I've read is that maybe your wife doesn't want to hear from you that she has BPD (nor would I to be honest - it would sound like an insult or an attempt to blame things on me, if it came from my partner)...but she IS doing things to help herself. She is going to therapy, she is taking medication, which is a lot to take on in an effort to "get better". But forget about her for a second. What are YOU doing to help YOURself? Are you happy? Is your life the way you want it to be? That is what you need to focus on in order to change your relationship, along with what others have said about communication. Have you thought about getting one-to-one counselling or therapy for yourself? Reading self-help books or things that are empowering and positive? What things do you enjoy, are you doing enough of them? Are your relationship issues getting in the way of the things you used to do which made you see yourself as an "individual"? If you work on yourself and try to build yourself to become happy and secure, either you and your wife will learn to do this side-by-side in mutual love and respect, or you will realise that a life with her is not what you need in order to become happy and 'complete', for YOU. You are putting so much effort and energy into trying to understand her and her issues and trying to work around her or "help" her...why not put the same effort into your own "journey" and personal development in whatever way is right for you?

This is what my partner and I have done. We have stopped entertwining ourselves with each other so much. We still spend the same amount of time together, but I am working on my stuff and he is working on his, and we do that alongside each other. He has gone to see a psychiatrist and found a medication that helps him, and he's got involved with activities that help him spiritually and mentally, and things he enjoys like making music. I've been going to therapy, and started other activities that help me as well. As he's focused on getting himself better, and I've focused on getting myself better, we automatically started to get along better with each other. And then we are both stronger people to be there for each other in times of need.

Everyone has problems regardless of whether they have a mentall illness and just because you don't have "BPD" doesn't mean that you don't have your own issues, insecurities and needs, etc. Those are what you need to work on, whilst you step back and allow your wife to do the work she is doing in therapy to help herself.

I hope this helps, and I wish you the best.

Sakura and Velouria (Velouria = my 'guide')

(oh, to clarify on the above - I am female, but bisexual, hence the "she" and "he" partners!)

[Skyx]

I've read most of this and I am sitting pondering (eating liquorice Friday night treat!) if perhaps you just don't get on well. Just a thought. Sometimes it is easier to complicate things to avoid truth.