liz Posted June 30, 2005 Report Share Posted June 30, 2005 Just come back from T. Not one of the best sessions ever. Not by a long way. Why? because muggins here messed it up. Wasted the hour. My T had a couple of days off last week. My session wasn't affected. Just saw him a day earlier. What his absence did do though was to trigger something in me which doubted him coming back. The FEAR of his abandoning me felt so real. Talking to him about it triggered his anger at my idea that he wouldn't return. Anger that he didn't express until later on in the session. Meanwhile, i remained unmet, out of reach. I kind of pushed him away. OK forget the 'kind of' bit - i DID push him away. How stupid is that when what i really wanted was his support and to feel 'held'. We talked a bit about my mum's death and how i still ache for her - 24 years on.....ache for what i've missed out on. Ache for what has never been mine to know. And my T said something about 'being preoccupied' with her loss. and i kind of took that on board to mean 'for goodness sake liz - time you got over it' - when i don't think that's what he meant at all. But its what i HEARD it as. And i still need to talk about her death, the impact of it all. Still feel abandoned and yet i feel acutely vulnerable and today felt so unable to talk about any of it. 15 minutes before the end and we kind of met one another for the first time during that session. WHY DO I SABOTAGE OUR TIME TOGETHER WHEN ITS NOT WHAT I REALLY WANT TO DO. i guess the good that will come out of that session will follow when i write to him by way of apology. And, kind of de-brief. It will be too late next week. I need to think about it all now and he needs to know those thought b4 next week's session - because by then most likely i will have moved on to something else. I so needed his support and yet when it was offered i pushed it and him away. I'm so pissed off with me. Liz Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katherine Posted June 30, 2005 Report Share Posted June 30, 2005 (((((((((Liz))))))))))) big big caring empathic hugs, I been there, O I been there...O it hurts, and I hear your hurt and pain and anger.... love and support, Katie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
liz Posted June 30, 2005 Author Report Share Posted June 30, 2005 I still feel pissed off with me...... Sometimes though the worst, most unprofitable sessions at the time have a habit turning into the best. With a little time and thought and space in which to write - it's what can come from that session today which might prove to be of profound depth and of use for the future. Praps it isn't totally wasted - though i i wish i'd been met and 'held'. That's me thinking rationally. The other bit of me is so angry that ifucked it up. Liz Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bryan Posted June 30, 2005 Report Share Posted June 30, 2005 ((((Liz)))))) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
liz Posted June 30, 2005 Author Report Share Posted June 30, 2005 WHY DID I DO IT. I WAIT ALL BLOODY WEEK FOR THAT APPOINTMENT AND THEN COMPLETELY FUCK IT UP. HOW FUCKING STUPID IS THAT. I SO NEEDED HIS SUPPORT AND CARE TODAY AND YET DID MY BEST TO PUSH HIM AWAY. NOT ONLY DID I DO MY BEST - I SUCCEEDED. LIZ - YOU'RE A FUCKING WASTE OF SPACE. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bryan Posted June 30, 2005 Report Share Posted June 30, 2005 Liz: Take a deep breath. This is supposed to be a safe place...you're being way to hard on yourself hun. Cut yourself some slack. you still have future sessions, right? Write down what you wanted to bring up or say this time and bring it up at your next session. No biggie. Try to relax. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bryan Posted June 30, 2005 Report Share Posted June 30, 2005 Liz: Take a deep breath. This is supposed to be a safe place...you're being way to hard on yourself hun. Cut yourself some slack. you still have future sessions, right? Write down what you wanted to bring up or say this time and bring it up at your next session. No biggie. Try to relax. <{POST_SNAPBACK}> When I said "no biggie" I didn't mean to invalidate your feelings. just trying to show you that it's not unrepairable. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
liz Posted June 30, 2005 Author Report Share Posted June 30, 2005 Do you do hugs as well Bryan? i just feel so so pissed of with me. Yes it is repairable. Yes i can and probably will end up writing to him. Why do i do it - it isn't the first time - won't be the last. i know what you're trying to do and i thank you for being there. Liz x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bryan Posted June 30, 2005 Report Share Posted June 30, 2005 Of course I give hugs ((((((((Liz)))))))) Big bear hug You will figure out why you do this in time. Don't punish yourself sweetie. Like the rest of us, you're only human. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
liz Posted June 30, 2005 Author Report Share Posted June 30, 2005 deleted - sorry Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bryan Posted June 30, 2005 Report Share Posted June 30, 2005 not sure what you deleted...but it's ok Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
caz Posted June 30, 2005 Report Share Posted June 30, 2005 ((((((Liz))))))))) Why don't you write the letter to get it out of your system. You could hang on to it for a couple of days to see whether you want to post it. The main thing is to forgive yourself and get the feelings out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tigha Posted June 30, 2005 Report Share Posted June 30, 2005 Liz i am so there with you, and sending you a big hug I hav done the same thing on couple of ocassions and it feels horrible, I wanted to feel held,understood and cared for and ended up at logger heads with my t, felt quite suicidal after I left.Thought she hated me blabla etc actually once I had calmed down and spoke to her again,She had been trying to reach me,I had pulled away as you said but she understood totally even though i didn't i think its a really good idea to writehera letter about how you feel,and then even if you are feeling better maybe show her anyways cos it will help her understand you meanwhile be gentle with yourself,take care of yourself if you can sending you loads love :trigger: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
liz Posted June 30, 2005 Author Report Share Posted June 30, 2005 do you mind if i write some more..... today in that T session - i so wanted some attention. You know. To be heard and cared about. All 3 of us - Liz - that's me the supposed adult around here - and then there's my inner children - Elizabeth - she's the little one - very easily triggered at the moment and Lizzie who's the teenager. And it was Elizabeth who wanted the attention. elizabeth who was triggered by him having that time away last week and Elizabeth who was afraid that he wasn't coming back. And probably elizabeth who misses her mother. I ddidn't set out to hurt my T though i can see that i have by my lack of trust. I didn't in all honesty think about his feelings in any of this. But then he's not the one havng the therapy is he? He knew he was coming back, and i guess Liz did too - but Elizabeth was unsure and fearful. And its like she's paid the price for having that fear because she missed out on the attention and being 'held'. She so needed that and she's been left wanting. Yes - i know Liz can mother her......but praps we ALL wanted some attention. My T talked of me re-visiting all of this grief. That wasn't the word he used - i can't remember what he actually said. I 'heard' it as being him feeling fed up that i was talking about it all yet again.....and i 'heard' it as a criticism - when in fact he didn't mean it as such -more of an observation. There's all this grief and loss and it feels like i can't talk about it anymore. Because he feels i've been this way before - and he's not wrong but the need hasn't been sated? it hasn't gone away. If i can;t talk about loss and pain there with him - then where the hell can i talk about it. It's got ot be where i trust the person. Thought i trusted him..... i know i was pushing him away but equally i feel pushed away too. Someone - just tell me whether i'm making any sense here please? Liz Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Swan Posted June 30, 2005 Report Share Posted June 30, 2005 Talking to him about it triggered his anger at my idea that he wouldn't return. <{POST_SNAPBACK}> Am I the only one who's got major alarm bells ringing at this sentence - how is it his function to be angry with you for a legitimate (within the circumstances of your diagnosis) fear? Is this really what happened? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tigha Posted June 30, 2005 Report Share Posted June 30, 2005 You make sense to me completely although I would not be able to articulate my sitaution like you have 1 thing I don't understand is your t being angry with you, about you thinking he wasn't coming back.Are you sure he wasn't trying to express something like astonishment to try and reinforce to you how unlikely this is,which I know for me I may interpret as anger when I am in a highly charged emotionla state I would hope he wasn't angry at you,and think it highly unlikely he was about this,it would be inappropraite,cos your emotions need to be understood,accepted,validated and workedthrough but not judged by him especially when abandonment comes up which is huge for me You are not ther for your t feelings,he can look after himself,he cshou;ld be able to deal with his feelings with his training in boundaries,supervision he has after etc But I wonder if actually in your heightened anxiety state you have done what I have done in that kind of situation and picked up on things that aren't there Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
liz Posted June 30, 2005 Author Report Share Posted June 30, 2005 Swan - it isn't his function to be angry - BUT he's human too at the end of the day. I hurt him. I doubted his trust. And i know i'm kind of sticking up for him. and i'm taking the blame.... His anger isn't right and he internalised it until later on in the session when he probably felt calmer and more able to express himself without getting angry. I hear your care and concern. Don't think alarm bells are needed. though on another level i know HIS anger isn't helpful and scares me. Liz Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tigha Posted June 30, 2005 Report Share Posted June 30, 2005 Maybe he wasn't angry and it was some other emotion????????? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
liz Posted June 30, 2005 Author Report Share Posted June 30, 2005 how am i going to get through till next week. part of me just doesn't want to be here. pain levels intolerable. triggered by phone call just. someone please just hug me, hold me. help me.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bryan Posted June 30, 2005 Report Share Posted June 30, 2005 Swan - it isn't his function to be angry - BUT he's human too at the end of the day. I hurt him. I doubted his trust. And i know i'm kind of sticking up for him. and i'm taking the blame.... His anger isn't right and he internalised it until later on in the session when he probably felt calmer and more able to express himself without getting angry. I hear your care and concern. Don't think alarm bells are needed. though on another level i know HIS anger isn't helpful and scares me. Liz <{POST_SNAPBACK}> He is human - true. But he should also be well-trained in setting his ego-boundaries, otherwise how can he teach you? I'm kinda thinking like Tigah...you sure you're not reading too much into it? Even if not, you are there for help and he should understand that. As my therapist tought me...it sounds like you're "shoulding" all over yourself. When you tell yourself all of the things you should hav and shouldn't have done, this triggers guilt. If he has healthy ego-boundaries, he will understand. More hugs to you Liz. ((((Liz)))) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katherine Posted June 30, 2005 Report Share Posted June 30, 2005 (((((((Liz))))))) Can you write to him or call? You are feeling insecure and scared right now, and you need to know he'll still be there for you, the one person you trust in this.... I was 'there' on Friday.... so I know how it feels.... Maybe YOU were angry? I project stuff into my T a lot of the time.... Especially as it was Elizabeth, the little one, who was most scared... Little ones panic and get frightened so easily... How old is she? Reality checking is the best suggestion I can give, though I understand how scary it is... Possibly, just possibly, it was a kind of anger to show how much he cares about you, and that degree of caring means that he wouldn't even ever think of 'not coming back'. Anger isn't always hostile, it can be protective. Just my thoughts.. Katie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tigha Posted June 30, 2005 Report Share Posted June 30, 2005 undefined someone please just hug me, hold me. help me.... undefined Liz I am holding, and hugging you.I really do understand your pain try to write to your T or contact them in the morn to sort it out.I can almost guarantee when you speak again you will feel so so much better,honest!!!!!!!! :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
liz Posted June 30, 2005 Author Report Share Posted June 30, 2005 I've written a letter to him. Will drop it in in the morning. Honest, to the point, expressed what i couldn't say there today. I haven't written to him in ages - praps it all needed to be said. Sometimes i find it so hard to actually hear what he says. Somewhere between him saying it and me hearing it the words/the meaning gets distorted. Probably there was some of that in today's session. I wrote this thread on t'other side about the realisation that your T can't actually make it all better -no-one can. A horrible realisation. Acutely painful. There's some of that present too. we touched on it today. Leaves me feeling empty and alone and triggered all over again. Where does the comfort come from?i know it has to come from me ultimately and that is f*difficult to take on board. Because i'm still searching for this parent to come along and make it all right.....and there's something of the parent idea in my T. as there will be in your T's too. Transference and all of that. T is so so hard. Made slightly more bearable knowing i can come here and share it with you people. Liz x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bryan Posted June 30, 2005 Report Share Posted June 30, 2005 Know what you mean Liz. I go through the same argument in my head. I want someone so badly to hold me and validate me, but I can't depend on anyone to do that but myself. And then I go...ugggh...I don't even like myself...I don't want my own hugs. Well I'm always here to give you cyber hugs whenever you need them. ((((Liz)))) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
liz Posted July 1, 2005 Author Report Share Posted July 1, 2005 Sometimes though the worst, most unprofitable sessions at the time have a habit turning into the best. With a little time and thought and space in which to write - it's what can come from that session today which might prove to be of profound depth and of use for the future. Liz <{POST_SNAPBACK}> Just thought i'd give you lovely people an update... I wrote to my T last night and popped it through the letter box this morning on my way to work. I left a message on the answer machine saying i needed to speak to him at some point today and he phoned earlier this afternoon. And - what has come out of yesterday is good and profitable. And that's what matters. If i'd had the good session that i so wanted then none of this would have come to the surface. I get pre-occupied with what i never had rather than focussing on what i have got. And my T thinks that that is kind of interesting given that my parents wanted me to be a boy and therefore focussed their attention on what i wasn't. What i never had remains acutely painful. And like in the session yesterday the small part of me - Elizabeth was so consumed with fear that he wasn't going to be there that she couldn't focus on the actual fact that T was there. Aand my T admitted to sulking yesterday - hence my idea that he was angry. To elizabeth it came across as anger and that is what she heard. And towards the end of the session my T admitted he was angry that i couldn't trust him to come back. Talking to my T just now - we're back on track. I felt supported and held and cared for. 24 hours later - that's all. We can work on this area together. I feel pleased with myself that i wrote the letter. I feel better than i did. Thank you for being there for me yesterday. Liz x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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