steve_uk Posted January 7, 2012 Report Share Posted January 7, 2012 Hello all, Please bare with me. This is going to be a long and probably confusing post but I would really appreciate your opinions before I speak to my GP. My name is Steve. I'm 24yrs old and live with my beautiful girlfriend and 5mth old daughter. I live a very standard life. I work in the security industry, supervising a team of lads who look after a shopping centre. I live in a normal house in a normal estate with normal people around me. A bit of background on myself. I was bought up by a single mom. I got reintroduced to my biological father at the age of 11 when he was released from prison. He and my mom got back together and it was a very rocky relationship until they finally seperated again when I was 18. From the age of 11 I saw my dad beat my mom quite badly on the odd occasion as well as myself. They were both regular cannabis smokers for years with the odd bit of speed thrown in here and there. It was not a very nice 'childhood' but I do not hold it against them to be honest. Each person has there own way of bringing up a child and my mom was always there for me. Still to do this day. She would die for me. Moving on..... From the age of 13-17 I experimented with all the drugs I could get my hands on. I loved to escape the place I was meant to call home. I would regurlarly dissapear for weekends and I was very rarely at school. I need someone to give me their own diagnosis/opinion before I approach my GP because to be perfectly honest he is a waste of time. What I would call my symptoms... Since my teenage years I have had a very bad temper. Regulalry lashing out at people around me including those I hold dear and myself. I've always felt a need to impress people and do random things that I would never normally do. Sometimes I get a feeling like I've taken a drug, I get so high for no apparent reason and my emotions run wild. Every now and then I get incredible sexual urges! So intense that I've even put my own relationship in jeapordy until I've realised what I'm doing is wrong. Then there are other times when I never think about sex and again jeapordise my relationship. I sometimes get an overwhelming feeling of kindness, like I have to do something to make someone else happy, even if it means short changing myself. I will give things away, buy things for people ect. Every now and then I get so low that I just want to fade away. I've only ever felt suicidal once in my lifetime but I do often get the feeling of worthlessness. Like I don't deserve the things I have in life. I always expect a text or phone call from my girlfirend telling me its over even though I know deep down she loves me so much! I very often punish myself. I take something that I hold dear, for example my girlfriend and then force myself to think abuut her exes ect. I can not help myself. I tell myself to stop but I cant. I cant even listen to certain songs on my mp3 player because it reminds me of a club she used to drink at then I trigger off my punishment. When I'm feeling in my high state I can not control money. I will spend money like I have a never ending bank account. But when I'm feeling low I spend a lot of time planning a budget and controlling my funds. Almost like I am worried about paying our next bills. I work in a industry where conflict is very common. I have no flight. I do not put my own safety first. I will think nothing of storming into a 10 strong group of ASBOs on my own! I back down from no-one. This happens whether I'm feeling high or low. Human life means nothing to me. I have done some horrible spiteful things to people in my past, physically. When Im on a high I take on tasks that I have no business taking on. For example, I spent a good few years of my life training and fighting in Mixed Martial Arts. I seen it as a way of channeling my energy. But now I'm retired I realise that I was fooling myself. I agreed to fights that I had no business taking. I used to love the feeling of getting hit. Another example is that recently I agreed to become a writer/journo for a popular Mixed Martial Arts website. I work 60hrs a week and have a family. I would never have the time to do this so now I have to cancel my agreement. I can be so mentally spiteful and nasty towards myself and others close to me. I can hear myself telling me to stop it but I have to carry on. Like I need to create a drama. But it hurts those around me and its not fair on them. One of the strangest feelings I get is when I listen to a good song or album. I imagine myself being part of the band and imressing all these people in the crowd. It really cheers me up and I have used it recently to help snap out of a low patch. I can also get really annoying and offensive when I am in a high state. My work mate once addressed this and told me that I had been acting strange. I can also keep myself awake at night because I cant slow down my thoughts. The other night I had a vision that I had won the lottery, I kept thinking of how I would spend the money ect and I just couldnt slow down my mind. I dont even play the lottery! I've battled pain killer addictions. And I wouldnt think twice about sticking any white powder up my nose that was handed to me. I just didnt care. I probably still would take cocaine now. In fact I know I would. And I still find myself looking for pain killers occasionally. These are just some of the feelings and moods I encounter on a day to day basis. One minute I can be up and literally the next minute I can feel that the world hates me or I hate the world. I have no mercy, not even the loved ones I hold dear. Someone please tell me whats going on in my head. I'm fighting a daily battle with myself and I am honestly my own worst enemy. I know some of the above things may seem trivial to some but not to me. Cheers for your time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catsmother21 Posted January 7, 2012 Report Share Posted January 7, 2012 Hi Steve What you have said does not seem trivial at all. However, we cannot diagnose here but point you in the right direction and support you. You say that you are going to see your GP and that would be the first step that I would recommend. You say that your GP is a waste of time, is there another GP that you can see at the practice? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
steve_uk Posted January 7, 2012 Author Report Share Posted January 7, 2012 Hi Steve What you have said does not seem trivial at all. However, we cannot diagnose here but point you in the right direction and support you. You say that you are going to see your GP and that would be the first step that I would recommend. You say that your GP is a waste of time, is there another GP that you can see at the practice? Hi, My GP is new. I don't see my old GP who looked after me since birth, he's retired. I just don't want him shrugging it off as stress. I believe it is much more than that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catsmother21 Posted January 7, 2012 Report Share Posted January 7, 2012 I would print off everything that you have written here and take it with you so that you don't forget to tell him anything and obviously tell him that you really need help and see what support and help he offers you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tray Posted January 7, 2012 Report Share Posted January 7, 2012 hi steve, well what can i say, i see a lot of myself in you. You are doing well taking the first step and seing your GP, i would write down or print out what you have said here and take that with you, demand to see someone for an official dx. the hardest part is nearly over, you have aknowledged you need help, thats the start. feel free to PM me if there are things you want to discuss, i come on here often and am happy to help all i can. x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
steve_uk Posted January 7, 2012 Author Report Share Posted January 7, 2012 hi steve, well what can i say, i see a lot of myself in you. You are doing well taking the first step and seing your GP, i would write down or print out what you have said here and take that with you, demand to see someone for an official dx. the hardest part is nearly over, you have aknowledged you need help, thats the start. feel free to PM me if there are things you want to discuss, i come on here often and am happy to help all i can. x Thankyou very much for the advice. I will end up PM'ing you at some point. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
steve_uk Posted January 7, 2012 Author Report Share Posted January 7, 2012 I would print off everything that you have written here and take it with you so that you don't forget to tell him anything and obviously tell him that you really need help and see what support and help he offers you. Thankyou for the advice. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catsmother21 Posted January 7, 2012 Report Share Posted January 7, 2012 I hope he helps you and good luck. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
steve_uk Posted January 8, 2012 Author Report Share Posted January 8, 2012 Thankyou very much. I do too. Does anyone know if I can get private sessions with a psychiatrist? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catsmother21 Posted January 8, 2012 Report Share Posted January 8, 2012 If you have got medical insurance or able to pay for it then you would be able to. You could speak to your local private hospital about this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
donnam Posted January 8, 2012 Report Share Posted January 8, 2012 i agree with the others print the post off, maybe make a double apt so he can say that he doesnt have time to read it etc. when i go re my mh they usually prefer i book doubles as then not rushed in and out Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tattoogirl Posted January 12, 2012 Report Share Posted January 12, 2012 good luck! I do MMA myself, its a great sport :-) unfortunatly due to my illness and now having a fear and avoidance of exercise it has prevented me in doing so the last couple of months! Good luck with the GP Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
steve_uk Posted January 13, 2012 Author Report Share Posted January 13, 2012 good luck! I do MMA myself, its a great sport :-) unfortunatly due to my illness and now having a fear and avoidance of exercise it has prevented me in doing so the last couple of months! Good luck with the GP Thankyou very much and I hope you can get back on the mat soon. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
steve_uk Posted January 13, 2012 Author Report Share Posted January 13, 2012 Today is becoming quite confusing for me. Today I feel like I've been lying to myself. Like there is nothing wrong with me. What's all the fuss about?! Could I have made it all up? Or could I be having a normal everyday joe bloggs day because I'm keeping mind busy at work? Should I go ahead with my GP appointment on Monday? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catsmother21 Posted January 13, 2012 Report Share Posted January 13, 2012 Hi Steve This does sound very confusing for you but we all have good and bad days and I think it would be a good idea to still go and see your doc. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
steve_uk Posted January 13, 2012 Author Report Share Posted January 13, 2012 Hi Steve This does sound very confusing for you but we all have good and bad days and I think it would be a good idea to still go and see your doc. Thankyou. I don't know what's going on. All I know is that documenting it is helping me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lainie Posted January 13, 2012 Report Share Posted January 13, 2012 Hi steve, Maybe jotting things down in a journal could help you, I find it helps on bad days, I tend not to need to write on good days. i think you should still see your Doctor, I made the mistake of not getting help until about 2 years ago when I became very ill. let us know what he/she says Lainie x x x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
steve_uk Posted January 14, 2012 Author Report Share Posted January 14, 2012 Hi steve, Maybe jotting things down in a journal could help you, I find it helps on bad days, I tend not to need to write on good days. i think you should still see your Doctor, I made the mistake of not getting help until about 2 years ago when I became very ill. let us know what he/she says Lainie x x x Cheers very much Lainie. I'm going to the appointment. I've had periods of normality that last for months in the past. If I hit rock bottom or sky high again soon and I avoided my GP I will kick myself... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
steve_uk Posted January 14, 2012 Author Report Share Posted January 14, 2012 I had a 'high' moment last night. Decided I'm going to be the next big thing in music promotion..... I'm quite obviously not.... I do these things when I'm feeling manic! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lainie Posted January 14, 2012 Report Share Posted January 14, 2012 My "high" moments are mental, I recently came off some pain meds and went hyper......you'd have thought I'd have gone the opposite way...not me, I get hyper when I'm around people and just before bed, allsorts of things trigger it.......allsorts of things trigger deppresion and my phobia too......I is broken lol things always work out in the end though x x x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ollieclews Posted January 15, 2012 Report Share Posted January 15, 2012 Hey Steve, best of luck with you GP, it can be hard but its really worth it! And like the others suggested print off the first post you put so you have all of the information. And you can keep a journal too, I do that it helps me to identify patterns, triggers etc! Remember your not on your own and we will support you though it! Please let us know how you get on! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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