I'm Horrific =(

[Insideoutgirl]

Last night I woke up in a complete panic.. I was shaky and felt dizzy and sick in my head. I really freaked out. I got up to write on the forums but couldn't do it. See I'm just such a Bad person and I really hate it.

I was at a friends house on saturday for a girly night.. which was lovely. But whilst there I spoke about some of the problems I'd been having and the effect on my relationship.

I explained a few things to them:

How New Year had been really horrific. I'd gotten really drunk and flirted danced and held hands with another person right in front of my boyfriends face

How i'd cheated on him in the early days of our relationship.

How I just need attention when I'm drunk and often at other peoples expense.

How I got really drunk and totally embarrased my boyfriend at his parents house by being attention seeking and childish as no-one was taking notice of me. Even nearly fell off my chair.. danced around the dining room where we were eating a meal and when people were singing.. sang a different song over the top of it.

and after all this how my boyfriend is so lovely and patient and the most thoughtful boy I have ever met and

how I love him to bits.

My friends told me a few home truths. Basicly in different words they said I was a dick. That the way I'd been behaving was really hurtful and I couldnt do that to someone and that I was lucky he was still with me.

I know they are right. I love him so much and I hate myself for hurting him. I really don't want to =(

When I'm drunk I'm like a completely different person. .. a horrendous one.. I just want everything to be about me and get angry and jealous if it's not. I just get to a certain point and flip. Plus I can never remember anything from the period I'm like this. Theres always a chunk of my night missing.

I'm sat here in tears. I don't understand. =(

I feel like I'm full of poison and when I'm drunk it escapes. I can actually physically feel it inside. I want to get it out.

It's not like I drink all the time but when I do I often get sooo drunk.

Even my friends are starting to get angry at me.

It's horrible to realise you are horrendous =( My insides hurt and it's all my own fault.

[catsmother21]

Hi

You have been very honest in writing all of this out and I think you have identified yourself that alcohol is at the root of the problem - do you think that? I don't think that drinking to excess gets anything out of you, it just adds to all your problems especially if you can't control it and are having blackouts.

Could you speak to your MH team about the alcohol and see what help they can offer you. xx

[Insideoutgirl]

Thanks Cats,

I will speak to them. It tends to be when I feel insecure that I drink alot. If I am in with my boyfriend we will often share a bottle of wine with a meal and it isn't a problem. I don't know why I act the way I do when I do drink =(

I know I need to have an awareness of it and have been pretty good with that since new year.. I have only had a drink if I have been at home on a weekend or at a friends. But I havent put myself in situations where it would be an issue. My worry is that I don't want to have to stop going places. I know sometimes when I feel more vulnerable before I start drinking this is when things get bad. I think I need to work on recognising this somehow. My counsellor and my g.p. have both mentioned that I seem very young for my years and my counsellor said I have a big fear of being vulnerable. I think it has something to do with this. But I'm actually making myself more vulnerable by drinking too much, The tablet taking has also been at times I feel vulnerable.

I have an appointment with the clinical psych in a few weeks so I will talk about it with them. Until then I only really have my g.p. to talk to.

xxx

[b0bulat0r]

You've won half of the battle already by identifying the enemy and by being aware of how it affects you.

You know that drinking makes you a different person and that isnt who YOU really are, i think its important that you don't feel the things you've said about yourself are true to you, they are true to drunk you.

Have you told your boyfriend any of the things you've told your friends? have you told him that your sorry and that you love him? maybe he can work with you to improve things so that you don't do the same things again,

hope your clinical psych apt goes well, definitely contact your gp in the mean time if you need,

Most importantly remeber its ok to hate our issues but we mustn't hate ourselves.

[Insideoutgirl]

You've won half of the battle already by identifying the enemy and by being aware of how it affects you.

You know that drinking makes you a different person and that isnt who YOU really are, i think its important that you don't feel the things you've said about yourself are true to you, they are true to drunk you.

Have you told your boyfriend any of the things you've told your friends? have you told him that your sorry and that you love him? maybe he can work with you to improve things so that you don't do the same things again,

hope your clinical psych apt goes well, definitely contact your gp in the mean time if you need,

Most importantly remeber its ok to hate our issues but we mustn't hate ourselves.

Thank you. I'm actually weeping that you said such supportive things when I have behaved so badly.

My boyfriend knows Everything. He already knew before I told my friends. I'm very lucky he has been so understanding. Having had similar problems in the past himself.

He knows I love him.. I tell him alot.. possibly too much sometimes! I can get really clingy and demanding. We have had quite a few talks about it since New Year. . and we both agreed that It was because I just want attention all the time. If my boyfriend is busy talking to someone else or not focusing on me I just get so jealous! When I'm drunk I can't tell myself that I'm being ridiculous.

SInce then things have been going great between us.. He's moved in and I think we both feel more secure with that

.I just feel so bad of what I put him through.

I will try not to hate myself and to remember its the problem I should hate. Thank you =)

xx

[piuma]

Hey sounds like you are really insightful into your problems. Must be really hard to wake up and not remember what has gone on etc. I know someone close to me who has a similar sort of issue to yours, they are becoming more and more aware of the triggers and which drinks make it worse and even when to just stop. It can be done, I hope you find a way No one here will judge you, its not our palce

[catsmother21]

Hi again

I've been thinking about this and do you still see your counsellor? If you do, could you ask her to help you with different strategies to cope with the feeling of being vulnerable and anxious rather than self-medicating with the drink which isn't a judgement from me because I did it myself for a very long time. xx

[Insideoutgirl]

Hi again

I've been thinking about this and do you still see your counsellor? If you do, could you ask her to help you with different strategies to cope with the feeling of being vulnerable and anxious rather than self-medicating with the drink which isn't a judgement from me because I did it myself for a very long time. xx

I'm seeing her on Friday. That's a really good idea! I will ask her!

What do other people do when they feel like that?

xxx

[catsmother21]

I try to keep myself distracted right up to the point of going out if I am feeling particularly worried and anxious.

I do some breathing exercises and imagine that I am breathing the anxiety out of me.

I ask my hubby for validation and reassurance that it will be OK and that I will be able to get through it, well do more than just get through it but that I will enjoy it.

I use Bach's Rescue Remedy spray as a natural way to help and if that doesn't help then I take some PRN anxiety meds but I try to use this as a last resort.

The more I do it - the easier it gets though I am a bit back to the beginning with it at the moment because I have hardly been out with being so poorly so I am applying these things again which I did on Friday when I went out with hubby and met a couple of his friends for the first time and we had a really nice evening.

I enjoy myself more without the alcohol now and I don't have that awful fear in the morning when I wake up, thinking OMG what did I do?

[Skyx]

Sound advice here, I particularly like b0b's advice. I don't drink although I don't really socialise either on the rare occasions I do step out, (usually under duress!) I feel quite left out as other people drink. I think I've lost friends because of not drinking.

I stopped drinking at university I felt that alcohol interfered with my creativity (also the calories as I have an eating disorder) and the central core of "Me". I maintain that drinking warps and holds no truth, I don't think the truth or true persons colour's are shown when drunk or high.

[Myla]

Hi again

I've been thinking about this and do you still see your counsellor? If you do, could you ask her to help you with different strategies to cope with the feeling of being vulnerable and anxious rather than self-medicating with the drink which isn't a judgement from me because I did it myself for a very long time. xx

I'm seeing her on Friday. That's a really good idea! I will ask her!

What do other people do when they feel like that?

xxx

Either:

( a ) don't go and stay in; or

( b ) feel the fear and do it anyway (sober - gulp!)

(((Gem))) xx

[Insideoutgirl]

Sound advice here, I particularly like b0b's advice. I don't drink although I don't really socialise either on the rare occasions I do step out, (usually under duress!) I feel quite left out as other people drink. I think I've lost friends because of not drinking.

I stopped drinking at university I felt that alcohol interfered with my creativity (also the calories as I have an eating disorder) and the central core of "Me". I maintain that drinking warps and holds no truth, I don't think the truth or true persons colour's are shown when drunk or high.

I know what you mean about being left out. I have real problems with feeling left out. I can get quite angry or defensive if I feel I am.

I definately agree that drinking warps!.

I'm sad to hear you lost friends through not drinking. I'm really worried about losing mine in light of my behaviour. The shock and disaproval in their faces was soul destroying.

=(

[Insideoutgirl]

Hey sounds like you are really insightful into your problems. Must be really hard to wake up and not remember what has gone on etc. I know someone close to me who has a similar sort of issue to yours, they are becoming more and more aware of the triggers and which drinks make it worse and even when to just stop. It can be done, I hope you find a way No one here will judge you, its not our palce

Its good to hear about someone who is managing to control the problem. I do recognise soem things which set me off.. I know I can't drink white wine as it makes me really hyper. It's horrible waking up and having black holes in you're memory. From what people say it's not a gradual thing. I've been told theres a certain cut off point.. I can be fine and then just one more drink and I completely flip... theres no inbetween. The problem is I don't know which drink it is.

I know that if I feel ignored or if theres been an argument I'm much worse. I need to recognise when I feel like this at the time I think.

[Insideoutgirl]

I try to keep myself distracted right up to the point of going out if I am feeling particularly worried and anxious.

I do some breathing exercises and imagine that I am breathing the anxiety out of me.

I ask my hubby for validation and reassurance that it will be OK and that I will be able to get through it, well do more than just get through it but that I will enjoy it.

I use Bach's Rescue Remedy spray as a natural way to help and if that doesn't help then I take some PRN anxiety meds but I try to use this as a last resort.

The more I do it - the easier it gets though I am a bit back to the beginning with it at the moment because I have hardly been out with being so poorly so I am applying these things again which I did on Friday when I went out with hubby and met a couple of his friends for the first time and we had a really nice evening.

I enjoy myself more without the alcohol now and I don't have that awful fear in the morning when I wake up, thinking OMG what did I do?

Well done you for getting back into it so soon after being poorly! Glad to hear you had a good time.

Some good tips there too. I usually do the breathing but not before I go out. I am going to try that and hopefully go into the world with a more relaxed/focused mind. The rescue remedy sounds good too.

I think I need to accept that my self confidence is NILL. and although I like to feel sociable I'm not always comfortable with it especially if its full of people I don't know as I feel particularly insecure.

xxx

[Insideoutgirl]

Hi again

I've been thinking about this and do you still see your counsellor? If you do, could you ask her to help you with different strategies to cope with the feeling of being vulnerable and anxious rather than self-medicating with the drink which isn't a judgement from me because I did it myself for a very long time. xx

I'm seeing her on Friday. That's a really good idea! I will ask her!

What do other people do when they feel like that?

xxx

Either:

( a ) don't go and stay in; or

( b ) feel the fear and do it anyway (sober - gulp!)

(((Gem))) xx

Hi again

I've been thinking about this and do you still see your counsellor? If you do, could you ask her to help you with different strategies to cope with the feeling of being vulnerable and anxious rather than self-medicating with the drink which isn't a judgement from me because I did it myself for a very long time. xx

I'm seeing her on Friday. That's a really good idea! I will ask her!

What do other people do when they feel like that?

xxx

Either:

( a ) don't go and stay in; or

( b ) feel the fear and do it anyway (sober - gulp!)

(((Gem))) xx

Feel the fear is something I need to do more I think. I was talking last night with my boyfriend and he mentioned the importance of distress tolerance and that sometimes I need to allow myself to feel uncomfortable so that the next time it wont feel quite as uncomfortable and the time after less so again.

He also said it made him sad that I was hurting. I know I'm lucky.

xxx

[Insideoutgirl]

Can't sleep again. Woke up in panic AGAIN. Shaky, confused. I'm just completely knocked back. The stuffing has been knocked out of me and I'm frightened.

I rang the crisis team but I still feel terrible. So now I'm sat here crying and typing. =(

I am just so shaken. I literally could do nothing yesterday. I couldn't even make myself move. I just sat on the sofa motionless for hours... and I mean hours.. in silence.

I just feel like I want to hide and for someone to give me a hug.

xxx

[steve_uk]

You're not horrific. You're you.

[Myla]

Hope you're doing better. xx

[Insideoutgirl]

Hope you're doing better. xx

Thanks hun.

Managed to go back to bed and get some rest later on. Calmed down after venting & got my hug off boyfriend. We're both snuggled in blankets on the sofa today taking it easy.

xx

[Skyx]

The friends I lost through not drinking I don't miss. Going out on the lash isn't something I wanted to do anymore and they did, maybe that was all we had in common!