bellaboo Posted February 6, 2012 Report Share Posted February 6, 2012 Hello everyone i haven't been here for a while things got worse before they got better i put on weight and am eating more i feel like i have done this for other people and throughout have felt guilt disgusting and like I've let it all go i stared feeling hungry and have just carried on eating... they told me i would feel happy again i don't feel any happier and desperately want my old control back and weight loose how does anyone ever feel ok in themselves and with the world ughhhhhhh Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lily-Bee Posted February 6, 2012 Report Share Posted February 6, 2012 This might help; Ask yourself what you REALLY want control over,its not food Im sure. What scares you in the world,what are you trying to push away by not eating? Work on that and you will feel better I promise. Lily Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bellaboo Posted February 6, 2012 Author Report Share Posted February 6, 2012 Thanks lily i have no idea but ill try and think about that i know i don't feel like and have never really been able to cope with the idea of being an adult maybe that's a start but its easier to be in control of food then to ht feels like achievement i feel i let myself down a lot. thanks for replying. xx ave to think i Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roses Posted February 6, 2012 Report Share Posted February 6, 2012 That is sound advice from Lily, I hope you manage to find out what is going on for you. xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lou99 Posted February 7, 2012 Report Share Posted February 7, 2012 i never believed it when i was ill but it really is true that u start to think differently when your bmi is above 18. And the weight redistributes itself too, i promise! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bellaboo Posted February 7, 2012 Author Report Share Posted February 7, 2012 Really really how? i hope so important not quite there yet keep shifting back and forth but i seem to stay in the good for longer periods than the bad times but can't imagine ever feeling content know for sure ill never eat meals or eat out . thanks lou99 xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bellaboo Posted February 7, 2012 Author Report Share Posted February 7, 2012 Had some weird typos from predictive text in that sorry . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lou99 Posted February 8, 2012 Report Share Posted February 8, 2012 that's ok. i couldn't eat in public for years during "recovery". what helped me most i think was that my boss at the time when i started working again was clearly ana too so i could say to her " i couldn't eat in the staff room" etc & she would understand, she had probs with it too. and she was 60, and i soo didn't want to still be ill like her when i was that age!! for a couple of years i kidded myself that i was fine at a bmi of 17 (my lowest was12 so to me 17 was huge). but then i put on weight over the last year because of meds - quetiapine - which i hated. BUT now my bmi is around 18.5 and my hair has grown back at the sides, it looks shiny, i have a much more normal relationship with food, i eat regular meals. the weight which at first went all on my tummy - aarrgg!! really has redistributed & it's all lean tissue so i don't look fat anywhere just thin but healthy-thin. ok i still have "fat days" and get triggered by skinny 11-yr old girls sometimes and Ana is still in my head a lot. she's there now tho cos she holds my anger and i am working with her about our anger problems. BUT i can eat out with my friends, i can eat "bad" food sometimes and deep down i know that i am healthy for the 1st time in my life. it took 7 yrs in total but i think maybe i am really there this time. SO KEEP GOING!!!!! pm me if u wanna talk xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bellaboo Posted February 8, 2012 Author Report Share Posted February 8, 2012 Wow that's amazing and inspiring actually the first time I've thought i wanna change and i want that i think i thought recovering means i have to live uncomfortably and miserable but if i could feel ok bout being what others prob see as normal that would be ok. did you experience stomach prob. cos I've been back and forth can't seem to ever balance my guts have been told its ibs 7yr ago and its not as bad now i couldn't leave house before also i have herd which i take tablets for think ill have to have them forever. thanks for sharing your experiences i feel bit like crying ha ha. I've read things like this before but maybe as important.not so possessed as i was it reads more significantly hence my reaction. xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lou99 Posted February 9, 2012 Report Share Posted February 9, 2012 ha now i cried reading that. yes i had lots tummy problems cos of my eating being messed up for so long. for ages i wouldn't eat solid food so when i started refeeding my stomach felt awful. i still get ibs now, i take colofac which seems to help. i couldn't have gained the weight without drugs - i took escitalopram (SSRI) and quetiapine or diazepam - there has been a study done on quetiapine use in anorexia which has shown good results. basically the drugs numb you so u don't care about the weight gain as much then when your weight gets there your brain has started working better so u realise that u actually needed the weight gain!!!! are you under the care of a psych or gp or therapist? one day at a time babe x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bellaboo Posted February 9, 2012 Author Report Share Posted February 9, 2012 Hi lou99 thanks for reply helps to hear someone has similar problems as a result. i had cut but not for long i quit and have tried to help myself on and off for years prob in denial a bit. others have begged me to get help but think as this happened once ud left home just never have worried they would tell me im being dramatic or something. and even though certain people have worried at times its not like I've collapsed in front of anyone so haven been admitted or anything. im loads better than i was managed to stop horrible things which i never thought id be able to do. maybe im ok some days better than others by my head constantly feels a mess i hate who i am and how I've behaved and have lost friendships and strained relationships with family. Bellaboo x thanks for listening Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lou99 Posted February 9, 2012 Report Share Posted February 9, 2012 try talking to your gp. mine is lovely, she has helped me so much. and try the meds maybe????? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bellaboo Posted February 9, 2012 Author Report Share Posted February 9, 2012 I really don't like gas have had bad experience with them specially with is and stomach issues I've begged and called at them they sometimes don't even.look up from there papers they just say don't eat certain things which i don't. at mo important too scared to eat anything but rice crisis 3 half cups a day i know there full of sugar and I've put weight on ugh. ud love to eat things that made ne feel good i used to be obsessed with super foods for a while.. ill try going to.gprs I've tried bout 6 diff ones.ill try a 7th. many thanks Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bellaboo Posted February 9, 2012 Author Report Share Posted February 9, 2012 Meant gps not gas. x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MeMyself&I Posted March 6, 2012 Report Share Posted March 6, 2012 Hi bellaboo. Firstly, I feel for you. I kidded myself and others that I was over anorexia and happy to start gaining weight. It was a lie. But it was me being affected not the Pro's - in reality. Even when I had put on weight, my BMI was back to 'normal' and I was getting much stronger, I still hated eating and gaining any weight. I am afraid it sounds to me as if you are still suffering from this state of mind, and not actually ove your anorexia. Are you getting any professional help of any kind? There are so many reasons you may be trying to kep control, but it will have cause, a reason, that you probably just do not realise. If you can get to see a psychcologist(sp), he/she will hopefully work out why you still feel like this, but you will get there. Huge hugs, I do sympathise and understand. Honest. Hugs. :bigarmhug[1]: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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