carlylight1 Posted February 9, 2012 Report Share Posted February 9, 2012 why do they matter so much? even if out of all the people you encounter you tend to get positive or neutral reaction from say 98%, then why does the other 2%even have to count. i know its being too sensitive but i don't know how to stop that either. this is more of a general real life problem i anticipate happening in a social situation in the future. where if i perceive a critical reaction i automatically shutdown, go into my shell and appear very awkward and ashamed of myself and can no longer speak. i hate it and don't know how to deal with it. the super irritating thing about it is i don't even like the person who has this affect on me and wouldn't want to be friends at all. but that fact doesn't come into it and instead i take on board their critical attitude as if its completely true and of course they must have a very valid point, and so stop functioning because of it. wondering if anyone else gets this? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AmyP Posted February 9, 2012 Report Share Posted February 9, 2012 can completely relate hun, even when i hate the person it still really bothers me if they dont like me and critisize me. i cannot take critisism in any form, so bad with it. it really hurts me even if its not overly nasty. i go really quiet and nervous an just look stupid. sorry hunnie got no advice but just wanted to say i understand ((((vivien)))) xxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lonelyheartemma Posted February 9, 2012 Report Share Posted February 9, 2012 I get that too but i dont know how to stop it idk why. maybe its because we really dont want to hurt or annoy anyone so it feels like we've done something really bad when it seems to have happened? I'd rather make people happy if i possibly can. and i love being liked and aproved of. I dont often get it in RL so i'm grateful to find it anywhere but at the same time i'm humiliated if I dont find it also I want to apear normal so if 1 person seems to have picked up on one abnormal thing i feel like i've failed and everything is a disaster and theres no point in trying anymore because i obviously cant do normal today I wish i could give you some advice on how to stop it Vivien, it just seems impossible to stop caring what people think Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dibley Posted February 9, 2012 Report Share Posted February 9, 2012 I work with someone who I'm not overly keen on. As you know, I don't like people much and struggle to make conversation. When I went to work on Tuesday, my colleague asked me if I was alright as J said I'm not happy and she struggles to get anything out of me. I just don't have anything to say to her, and I'm not interested in her to ask questions. But, it really bothered me how she thinks of me. Everytime I see her now, I must look an idiot cos I put a big false smile on, and say "hi, how are you" as cheerily as possible. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Christine001 Posted February 9, 2012 Report Share Posted February 9, 2012 hi Vivien, nice to see you havent spoken for a while. I am bad at taking compiments and critisim. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Skyx Posted February 9, 2012 Report Share Posted February 9, 2012 When I was younger I was shy and found it very difficult to take any criticism or any comments that weren't 100% positive. I thankfully, (as I recall how awkward and hurt I would feel) have moved through this phase. It is ok for not everyone to like me or agree with me. Most people aren't nasty and make off hand comments without thinking some people find those comments hard to hear. I found telling myself that I am equal helped me from feeling asthough people had a right to walk all over me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
carlylight1 Posted February 9, 2012 Author Report Share Posted February 9, 2012 thank you for all the understanding pan, emma and head hurts. its really hard, i think it comes down to feeling really uncomfortable being me if that makes sense. i know a lot of people would say 'it doesn't matter what they think' and stuff like that which is totally right but not easy to do at all. i was thinking of this one particular person who makes me feel shit and part of the reason i don't like her is because i got negative vibes off her from the start. if she was friendly i would've probably seen the positive side of her and liked her. its just when i feel threatened by someone its a lot easier to just see all their bad points. pan i'm like that with criticism too, its really annoying because i think some people in real life are careful about what they say to me because they worry they may upset me. its nice of them to be concerned but then i get thinking about all the things they could be saying but are holding back on and end up getting para over it. emma, i'm a big people pleaser too i love being liked probably because i don't really like me much. but then i get upset if they agree with me and don't like me either- its a weird one to deal with! head hurts, i really admire how you manage getting on with work i know you struggle with it and i can well understand the difficulty in making small talk with people. i hope to start working again at some point and i know it'll be difficult interacting with people. i think if it makes it easier for you to mask how you are really feeling with a smile then thats fine. i bet you don't look like an idiot either, you are just doing what you need to do to feel comfortable xxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fanta Posted February 9, 2012 Report Share Posted February 9, 2012 I can take critisim but not compliments it is the way I always have been, When someone compliments me I don't believe them, I don't know why. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
carlylight1 Posted February 9, 2012 Author Report Share Posted February 9, 2012 hi christine its nice to see you too hun and yep compliments also a problem, i tend to squirm and get embarassed. compliments or criticism, it seems its anything that really touches me brings me right back into reality and i don't feel equipped to deal with that. skyx, thanks for your reply. i'm glad you got through this, it gives me hope that you managed it. the 'all being equal' idea i agree with....in theory! i agree with it for everyone else but for me it doesn't ring true and everyone else is better. its terrible because it upsets me when other people can't take it on board and let themselves feel ok when i can clearly see thats what they deserve. i guess until i can get to the point of believing it for me all this feeling shit is going to keep happening. it sounds like a cop out but i just genuinely don't know how to see it differently when all of the evidence points to one conclusion. xxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
carlylight1 Posted February 9, 2012 Author Report Share Posted February 9, 2012 thanks for the reply fanta, sorry you have a similar experience too xxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Myla Posted February 10, 2012 Report Share Posted February 10, 2012 Hi vivien, don't think we've spoken in a while . Hope ok. I take criticism ok as long as 1) it is justified and 2) not coming from someone I love or it's done in a horrible way. I used to be crap and taking compliments until I was picked up on it and was 'taught' to say "thank you", lol! I didn't feel any less uncomfortable to start with but as time has gone on I have got used to it and now accept it's the 'right' response to give (without necessarily feeling the compliment is warranted. My big problem is with rejection (perceived or real). Now if someone could teach me out of that... xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
carlylight1 Posted February 10, 2012 Author Report Share Posted February 10, 2012 hi myla, yes rejection is the biggie isn't it. tbh i think in a way that is probably part of what motivates me to dislike this person. if she liked me i'd like her, but to avoid the rejection i presume i'd get i automatically focus on all her bad points. sort of a 'i'l reject you before you can reject me' scenario. its hard to know whats 'me' and whats defence mechanisms. with compliments i see what you mean. if people see that you are having a hard time accepting it, i find they tend to become more insistent with the compliment as they want you to accept it and feel good. which can just make it more uncomfortable. but if you can accept it graciously (even if you don't believe it) then its done and dusted and you can move on from it quickly. xxxx i actually had a flashback last night triggered after writing this topic. it was my mega successful uncle (who for many years i've been too ashamed to see because i feel like a huge failure in his eyes). but i was probably about 8 or 9 maybe younger and he was telling me that there was an idea out there that says all people are equal but that of course this blatantly isn't true(!) some people are much more successful than others, etc.... i guess this type of reinforcement didn't help when i already felt ashamed and nowhere near good enough. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ImNotSwitlish Posted February 10, 2012 Report Share Posted February 10, 2012 i can TOTALLY relate to this you are deffinately not alone :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
piuma Posted February 10, 2012 Report Share Posted February 10, 2012 Hi Vivien I think it has something to do with the fact that, certain people, for example myself, are people pleasers, so when we get the feeling that someone dislikes us, or rejects us, or basically gives off negativity, are reaction then is worry, why dont they like us, what have i dont wrong, so then despite lots of people saying nice things and being kind, gets overlooked. Dunno if that makes sense. I care less now than i used to, i would do anything to try and be liked, suck up to people even, now i dont really give a dam. This has left me with less people in my life, but.....more people that actually care about me, rather than people only liking wat i can give them xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shadow girl Posted February 10, 2012 Report Share Posted February 10, 2012 I can pretend to accept compliments but criticism destroys me. I know it shouldn't but I can't deal with it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lonelyheartemma Posted February 10, 2012 Report Share Posted February 10, 2012 i love compliments, its the most amazing feeling ever but its not a feeling that lasts for long. Maybe compliments seem like someone being kind and not someone telling the truth. Criticism seems to stay with me forever (tho i'm sure theres lots of criticisms i have forgotten) tho some compliments stick. once my mum told me she was proud of me which shocked me as she had never said that, she doesnt believe in it and doesnt expect me to want it. I cant remember what i'd done but i remember her saying that. my mum always used to tell me i was conceited and when i got a credit at school she usually looked and said i didnt deserve it. And maybe she was right but maybe people in all our lives have kind of taught us to ignore the compliments because they arent true and pay attention to the criticisms because they are? Most people are more interested in the truth than the lies so maybe to us compliments are lies? idk Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dani Posted February 10, 2012 Report Share Posted February 10, 2012 I used to be so shy,painfully.I could NEVER accept a compliment.but someone gave me the advice to just try saying thankyou.so that's what I do now. Work wise I can take critisim,and it makes me better and act on it. Personally I ignore it if its someone who doesn't matter to me.as for someone who matters it hurts a lot and has a lastinf effect.I'm sorry u get upset viv xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
carlylight1 Posted February 10, 2012 Author Report Share Posted February 10, 2012 thank you for the responses and understanding. i'mnotswitlish and shadow girl i'm sorry you have similar experiences too but ty for sharing as it does feel lonely sometimes when you think everyone else automatically knows the 'right' way to behave by being assertive and not letting things get to them too much. i hope we can all get better with this. pie thats it exactly. it always seems that the people who are negative must be the ones seeing things correctly-probably cos it conforms more to how you feel on the inside. i don't like this as it feels like i'm doing a dis-service to the people who are genuinely nice to me by not taking their opinions on board more. i like and care about these people a lot so their opinions should carry more weight. i've had a few brief phases in the past where i've felt confident but they've never lasted long. i really hope i can get back to that and have it last. emma- i agree its so lovely when people compliment you even if its hard to believe. its like a present and them showing you that they want to be kind. if they are off someone we like we should truly believe them and let them affect us in a good way as i only ever give compliments i mean and i know you and everyone else does too- but like i said above its soooooo hard when how you feel on the inside doesn't agree with it. i hate how your mum said you were conceited when you got a good mark- whats wrong with someone knowing they are good at something?? they should know that and feel good about themselves. Most people are more interested in the truth than the lies so maybe to us compliments are lies? idk i really like how you put this it sums it all up. it feels like if you don't believe in what is 'true' for you(for example, believing the criticisms and not the compliments) then you are living in la la land and more than anything that just feels like it must be wrong and you are lying to yourself. daisy i'm so glad you got better at this. sometimes when i say 'thankyou' even if i struggle to believe it part of me is stupid and i worry people will react badly to me accepting it and they'll think i've got a big head! its stupid! obviously no ones ever had that reaction which leads me to realise its me where the problem is and in the 'normal' world its normal to give and receive compliments and its ok to let someone say you are a good in some way. i'm really going to try and make an effort to switch off from caring if its negativity off someone who doesn't matter to me and try and see what happens. like you say if its off someone you care about that seems even trickier to deal with. xxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lonelyheartemma Posted February 10, 2012 Report Share Posted February 10, 2012 also compliments sometimes make me feel guilty because i know sooner or later theyll change their mind about me and stop believing the good things I'm not arguing with you Vivien but i'm wondering if everyone does know the 'right' way to behave. it seems like everyone else has a way that works for them but sometimes i look at people and how they behave and i dont want to be like them. My mum says i need to be more like her but i dont want to get what i want by scaring and hurting people or by taking them down and proving i'm cleverer than them. she says thats what you've 'got' to do but there are happy people who don't do that. maybe we can find something in between Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Myla Posted February 11, 2012 Report Share Posted February 11, 2012 with compliments i see what you mean. if people see that you are having a hard time accepting it, i find they tend to become more insistent with the compliment as they want you to accept it and feel good. which can just make it more uncomfortable. but if you can accept it graciously (even if you don't believe it) then its done and dusted and you can move on from it quickly. Exactly vivien!! ...there was an idea out there that says all people are equal but that of course this blatantly isn't true(!) some people are much more successful than others, etc.... I believe your uncle is right. That believe would bring us hope. (Incidentally how are you defining "success"?) Though I can understand that feeling ashamed and nowhere good enough would make it extremely hard for you to believe it. xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
carlylight1 Posted February 11, 2012 Author Report Share Posted February 11, 2012 also compliments sometimes make me feel guilty because i know sooner or later theyll change their mind about me and stop believing the good things gosh thats SO true and i do the same thing. its more pressure in a way if they like you. one of my friends friends who i met a while back well my friend is always saying what a good impression i made on him. i really liked him but don't ever want to see him again! because he'll realise the mistake he made, and then that will be embarrassing. theres just no way i'l be able to live up to the good impression i made so i want to avoid him. theres further to fall in a way if they like you. whereas if i don't see him again its ended on a good note. but thats not a good way to go through life...aarrggh! i see what you mean about your mum too. i'm glad you're not like that and that you don't want to be. a lot of people seem to get through life ok but are mean or bullies. its surprising how they don't see what they are doing or if they do how it doesn't affect them. but yes a middle way does sound ideal really and i guess lots of people are able to get to that point which is encouraging. hi myla, i see your point. i think my uncles version of success was the 'do well in life, aim high, achieve lots' brand of it. he's not a bad person in anyway he was just i guess a little misguided and i suppose it was a long time ago. its a shame that i avoid him because i feel i don't live up to his standards. my own definition of success seems to always get crowded out by other peoples values which i take on board. i should believe in it more strongly and as long as i live up to that then i should be happy with how i'm doing. basically its keep going and just do your best. when i start feeling low i usually get very down thinking my best just isn't good enough. i really dislike that how what i believe in when i'm depressed is completely different to what i believe in when i'm ok. xxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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