lonelyheartemma Posted February 10, 2012 Report Share Posted February 10, 2012 I'm really sorry for making another post already! but I've been thinking about things my parents went out shopping this evening. they were out less than an hour but as soon as they left i felt myself relax, i felt my mood lifting. I felt like for the next hour i was free. I felt like i could do what i wanted. I felt safe. but then i heard the car door slam outside and i knew they were back and my mood went right back down again. My mum says if i live by myself i'll get really depressed. idk if this is true or not. living by yourself all the time is different from enjoying an hour of freedom. I probably wont have much contact with other people or not at first. making friends is hard and i want to get used to living alone before i start going out and doing other things. But what she means is i'll get more depressed than i am now and the idea of that does worry me. If i get more depressed than i am now what will happen? I'm so scared if i leave I might have to go back. another thing. If i get a council flat it will probably be a council flat in the area. I dont want to live that near to them, i want to move right away. I want to go out without knowing i might meet her. I dont want to shop in the same places as my family. but idk if i'll be able to move that far away. I dont want them showing up on my doorstep. I dont want them to visit and criticise what i've done. I'd like a home i can feel proud of but I can never feel proud of anything for long with them. I wish there was some way of keeping my address private. and what if shes right and i can't cope? Who will i ask for help? I do feel like my parents are destroying any bit of confidence i have but they are also keeping me alive by doing things for me. not that I especially want to be kept alive but i'd like to have a go at building a life. What if i don't understand how things work or what to do? I dont even know how to change a light bulb. how does it not fall down? I could find out online but only if i have the internet. and if it does break, how do you clear up glass? my mum won't let me help with things like that. she tells me to go away. I'd like my own life where i can eat dinner without being forced into a philosophical conversation i dont even understand. I'd like somewhere to invite my friends to, knowing they wont be ignored by the people living with me because they arent clever enough to be spoken to. I'd like to be able to sit at my computer without feeling scared every time one of them walks up the stairs. I'd like to be able to feel proud of what i do, even if it seems like nothing to anyone else. I'd like to be me without feeling ashamed of that. I'd like to be able to express worries without starting an argument. but everything i want is always unreasonable. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jillv Posted February 10, 2012 Report Share Posted February 10, 2012 Hi Emma It saddens me that you feel so helpless and lonely at home. If you are lucky enough to get supported living accomodation all the fears you mention wont be a problem. There will always be someone around to talk to and ask for help or advice. If you get a council flat, you may feel a bit lonely at first, but it can't be any worse than you're feeling now. You will learn, either by asking someone or trial and error how to do things you have never done before. You will be able to live to your own standards and rules, invite whoever you like, do what you want. You will feel free. When I moved into my first flat I made many mistakes, and there was loads I couldn't do. I couldn't cook and I had so many disasters! but i learnt, as you will. I knoiw, that wherever you end up living, you will thrive, and become a capable, independant young woman.xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OrangeLamp Posted February 10, 2012 Report Share Posted February 10, 2012 hey emma, so glad you're thinking about this, its a real step forward from feeling so helpless, I think you're on your way out of this to get a better life for yourself soon and I know you'll be happy, amazing people like you always will be in the end. Lamp. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lonelyheartemma Posted February 10, 2012 Author Report Share Posted February 10, 2012 thank you Kalico. I know how thats how it should be but if my parents want to come into my home and tell me how to live my life, i wont be able to stop them. they'll stay and talk to me and my mum will start tidying up. they'll want me to give them a spare key. I dont think i'll be free even if I move out. the mh people seem to understand i dont want my parents telling me what to do but now its like they want to tell me what to do instead I love cooking but i'm scared of new things. I dont want to poison myself or burn the flat down. I had cooking 'lessons' from the cmht before but i wasnt allowed to use the cooker or knives and i'm not very good at learning from watching or listening, i need to do it. at least when i'm here i'll know how long i'm safe for. If i'm living on my own they could arrive at any time. Lamp you are so so sweet. you both are. but if i'm amazing why doesnt my mum love me? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
starryeyesee Posted February 10, 2012 Report Share Posted February 10, 2012 Hi Emma I agree with what the other have said. you will thrive once you have left home. Don't get too far ahead with it though.talk to you CMHT about supported housing and that way you can start to get the ball rolling. xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lonelyheartemma Posted February 10, 2012 Author Report Share Posted February 10, 2012 they said theyd refer me to an ocupational therapist. I didnt know what that was but it sounds good on wikipedia would they come to my parents house and watch me doing stuff? that might not help them much because if there is someone there, i ask about everything, if i'm on my own, i just get on with it. But i'm sure i'm not the only person like that, they must have met people like that before Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
autism-bpd Posted February 10, 2012 Report Share Posted February 10, 2012 emma i want to say. I ive in a supported housing and i can do some things i couldnt use to do. thats because im in the right place, well kind of but it helps me with my independence. but one thing is not allowed is people answering door to your guest so u have the right to refuse them to enter Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lonelyheartemma Posted February 10, 2012 Author Report Share Posted February 10, 2012 thank you Flipper. Its good to know i can do that and that a warden or housemate can't let them in. tho i would totally forgive a housemate who was too scared to say no to my parents! My parents won't be happy about that rule but I can't be doing anything too badly wrong if i'm not breaking a rule. But I hope you can find a better place Flipper. having the right level of support is important but it isnt everything. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
donnam Posted February 10, 2012 Report Share Posted February 10, 2012 hugs emma i think u will do fine on your own, when i moved out to uni, i was sooooooooooooooooo naive, i thought you had to stir water so it didnt stick to the pan! yes really! i didnt know much about cooking, cleaning etc still not the best at either but i can get by, the first time u do anything is scary but gets easier once get used to it, and we are all here for u every step of the way you could always say u dont have a spare key, and not allowed to have a spare cut? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Myla Posted February 10, 2012 Report Share Posted February 10, 2012 Honestly Emma you will be fine . Unfortunately fear can be paralysing. Think "feel the fear and do it anyway" (I had a teacher that said this a lot!). Incidently there is a well known book of this title but I've never read it. I lived on my own for 3 years (plus another 4 years with just a 4 yo - so almost living on your own in terms of practical things ). You're clearly literate and that's all you need. If there's something I don't know how to do and can't think of anyone to ask I either hit google or get a book from the library! That really is it. I even have loads of power tools, lol! My mum says this is why I won't ever find a man (he'd be redundant and feel wounded apparently, hmmph!). Once your confidence grows you'll be flying! Also if you're in supported housing you'd get support wouldn't you? xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lonelyheartemma Posted February 11, 2012 Author Report Share Posted February 11, 2012 my mum has power tools and she's got a man. she did get the man first but he hasnt gone anywhere! I think hes very glad he doesnt have to do all the DIY, some men hate it. I'm sure loads of men will really love you. just don't bring the power tools out on the first date just in case my mum said if she wanted to employ someone literate she'd want someone with a level English. Which lets out her husband and both her children! google is usually good but i did panic when i'd cooked something for 1 minute like my mum said and google said cook it for 2 hours! But i'll know next time. Thank you Cad. It is always good coming on here for advice We seem to know everything between us! Maybe for the key, i could wait till i get one and ask the warden for advice on how to make sure my mum doesnt get one? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
autism-bpd Posted February 11, 2012 Report Share Posted February 11, 2012 also they are not allowed to open up the door, we have to talk through window but looks like we may be getting intercom if there is funding Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
autism-bpd Posted February 11, 2012 Report Share Posted February 11, 2012 also whilst in supported housing parents arent allowed spare keys Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Myla Posted February 11, 2012 Report Share Posted February 11, 2012 LOL at power tools on first date!! I don't have A level English but I'm pretty sure it's about literature rather than being literate... What were you trying to cook? I'm curious now! Let me guess, your mum was trying to be funny? xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lonelyheartemma Posted February 11, 2012 Author Report Share Posted February 11, 2012 Theres a Level English language or you can do lang and lit together. So maybe she meant one of those. idk. I was cooking beef stroganoff. I dont think she was trying to be funny. She showed me what to do the next time she cooked it and we didnt cook the beef for long, closer to 2 mins than 2 hours. Maybe it was precooked, maybe it was because they were tiny pieces of beef so you didnt have to cook it for as long to cook it all the way through. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Myla Posted February 11, 2012 Report Share Posted February 11, 2012 Theres a Level English language or you can do lang and lit together. So maybe she meant one of those. idk. Ah, I did my A levels a shamefully long time ago, lol!! I was cooking beef stroganoff. I dont think she was trying to be funny. She showed me what to do the next time she cooked it and we didnt cook the beef for long, closer to 2 mins than 2 hours. Maybe it was precooked, maybe it was because they were tiny pieces of beef so you didnt have to cook it for as long to cook it all the way through. I've never made beef stroganoff. It sounds impressive! My ex-husband couldn't even peel a carrot (I'm not joking btw) or cook an omelette and that was when he was 30 so you're practically a MasterChef compared to him!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lonelyheartemma Posted February 12, 2012 Author Report Share Posted February 12, 2012 well I don't know how to cook an omelette! I know its easy and when i have my own home i'll probably cook lots of omelettes. But atm its so rare for me to get the chance to cook i don't usually go for the easy options! I'm hoping i'll be able to do cawl cenin 'da bacwn a chaws (leek soup with bacon and cheese) on wed, my parents were going to go out on monday but now they are saying they might go on wed instead or not at all. I hope they do go. its horrible but i do like having a whole day break from them and if i get to cook thats a bonus. But if they do go out i'm 'not allowed' to go to the mental health clinic, the people have to come to my house again and my parents havent made up there mind whats happening so i can't tell the mental health advocate people where the meeting is going to be and even if my parents stay in they might not let me go to the clinic, if they do that the advocate def can't come even if they do have someone available! but of course my parents have no idea about the mental health advocate so they dont know they are causing all these problems Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MaddieT Posted February 18, 2012 Report Share Posted February 18, 2012 Emma - you are such an inspiration! I always read your posts with interest as how much you are achieving and how much you are growing as a young person. As a mum myself i always wonder that i smoother my two (14 and 5) kids and that i don't let thm be independant enough. I always want them to be happy but to experience life - maybe what i want to. I feel very sad that you feel like your mum doesn't love you - that must be hard. my own relationship with my mum is a bit strange, i sometimes crave her attention and support and at other times i can't stand her talking - it really irritates me. Well from one Mum to a lovely girl - big hugz and keep pushing for more 'you' time as you are doing great! Maddie xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lonelyheartemma Posted February 19, 2012 Author Report Share Posted February 19, 2012 aww thank you Maddie so much! I'm trying to grow, i feel like every time i grow a little way i am being shoved back again, i feel like i've been in the same place for most of my life but you can see me growing? I'm sure your a lovely mum! xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MaddieT Posted February 19, 2012 Report Share Posted February 19, 2012 Baby steps honey - they are the ones that last - don't give up and keep trying, sometimes the things we want the most are the toughest ones to get! Thank you for saying i am lovely mum!! :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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