OrangeLamp Posted February 18, 2012 Report Share Posted February 18, 2012 oh hello Thought I'd start this topic with a smile cos it might get a bit shitty and triggering so I'll put this here. *potential trigger* Thanks for reading this far, I've got a problem. Some of you know me, and know I've had a fairly abusive childhood. Thing is I still haven't come to terms with it. I was beaten a lot as a kid, scared all the time. It'd be the simplest of things, i'd say something wrong or give him the 'face' which was just like...I wasn't happy doing all the house work for him. First I'd get shouted at, spat at, called names, made to feel like nothing, called stupid cunt and things. My stomach still jumps if someone walks through a door quickly, because sometimes he would get angry at something then come upstairs...and I know the footsteps and i even know when hes coming to my room by the way he would walk up the stairs. Its almost like my heart would stop and those seconds would last forever, and I'd be so scared I couldn't move. The excuse would be I haven't done a job, or my bedroom was a bit messy and then he'd wind himself up and end up pushing me against the wall, hitting me round the face or in the chest, or legs and screaming at me, then leave me alone in a heap on the floor in tears. I only even realised the other day I used to punish myself for him being angry at me, I'd hit myself in the head as hard as I could and I used to strangle myself in primary school. I stopped eating sometimes, because I didn't deserve to eat. I always used to get backed into a corner. In my room nothing was 'mine' it was under his roof and everything was his, and he could break it if he wanted. That's what would always happen, my things he saw as most precious would be broken as an act of vengeance. I've always got attached to my things since really, I really like them. They're mine, like my flat is my own little place and I always tried to make it a safe place for any of my friends. Any of them can come over and get away from anything/get some chillout time. I've felt suicidal, I can't go on living like this. I've planned it, sat on top of buildings to jump, taken overdoses and I just hate myself with everything I am. I have cut myself before too. I just want to feel like I'm not alone in this and see how others might have tried to stop hating themselves or thinking its their fault. I feel like it's all my fault, like I was a bad kid. It took me so long to learn how to form proper relationships with people, and still I have a hard time. I think my dog helped weirdly, helped me learn to love things in the right way. I love her, shes amazing. I just feel like I've got that same old angry, hurt upset child inside me. I can't go on with life like this. I know that, and I stay because I love my friends and I know they love me too...but its just the pain I feel from opening this box of evil memories that I feel overwhelmed and at odds with myself. I feel like a little kid that wants to be taken care of so many times, as pathetic as that might sound. I just need someone to cuddle me and say yeah its gonna be ok you know that? Bleh, I feel like an idiot for making this post but I'm gonna give it a go and post it anyway because its come right from my heart and thats what I want people to see Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CourtingPsycho Posted February 18, 2012 Report Share Posted February 18, 2012 hugs and ugh yea i know exactly how you feel :/ its not a nice thing but i guess its the past :/ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JasmineRose Posted February 18, 2012 Report Share Posted February 18, 2012 The memories are dark and painful. But it doesn't make YOU evil. Or pathetic. I was scared a lot as a child, though the abuse I experienced was different. But still, I understand how these kind of experiences can leave despair and an ache of longing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jaja1990 Posted February 18, 2012 Report Share Posted February 18, 2012 My dad hasn't really physically harmed me except for maybe once. I, although, have a history with my uncle. I have been always humiliated in front of people. He seemed he never left an occasion without telling what stuff - stuff embarrassing to me - I did. He just kept repeating the stories, and I had to get humiliated every time, which kept going for most of my life. I remember that once I have been accused by him of doing something I didn't do. I cried twice and broke down because I didn't do it, with him still accusing me of doing it. My aunt, his sister, was there the second time I've seen him, and later she accused me of being rude for "talking to my uncle like that". You know, as if it wasn't enough that I was crying and broke down, for something I didn't do, I was called rude to top it up, because I cried. It's not pathetic to need someone to take care of you. I'm a guy, and I hug my pillow because I want to imagine I'm with someone taking care of me. Everybody wants someone to take care of him/her, even the strongest men in history. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OrangeLamp Posted February 18, 2012 Author Report Share Posted February 18, 2012 thanks for the replies, just saying its the past and done with doesnt do me any good though :< Just trying to find a way forward Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OrangeLamp Posted February 18, 2012 Author Report Share Posted February 18, 2012 yeah jaja, I was always beaten more for crying because it upset my mum and made him more angry with me. Everything was my fault all the time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jenny1471 Posted February 18, 2012 Report Share Posted February 18, 2012 Hi So sorry youve been through all this. I've obviously had different experiences but I can relate. You are not alone. Jenny x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JasmineRose Posted February 18, 2012 Report Share Posted February 18, 2012 I too was blamed for everything. Well, me and my Mum. I know what that's like. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MaddieT Posted February 18, 2012 Report Share Posted February 18, 2012 I feel like you have opened up so much writing your post - its really hard to do that because it brings so many horrible memories and feelings. I have been exploring this in pyschotherapy that i started about a month ago. I have an inner child. She comes out in my dreams, in my sessions and sometimes in arguments or fears over things that have happened. I never felt good enough as a child, i shrank away from a mum with really bad PMT (she would lock me and my brother in a room so that she wouldn't hit us) My dad was in the army and away a lot when i was little - he would only look at me and i would cry. He would belt me and my brother on a regular basis as we tried anything including negative just to get any form of attention from our parents. At age 9 i was sent to boarding school and was bullied terribly - I thought at the time and was told that i was overally sensitive - I know now this to be BPD and PTSD. During my school holidays i never connected again with my parents as they wouldn't rescue me from boarding school. I felt abandoned. Since then i have had two abusive relationships, one 3 years long and the last 14 years. During my pyschotherapy i have realised there are 3 elements to me - don't know if they are thoughts/personalities?? There is the little girl, pouting, sucking her thumb, stomps her feet, cries, smiles at unpleasant attention. There is the super mom- goes 100 miles an hour is the perfection in her house/relationship/at work/with her friends - always helps others but along this journey there is an underlying fear or current to keep everything running on the merry go round and is fearful if it stops or she falls off. Then there is the negative reality part - told you so, accept your fate, you are fat, useless, just bumble along. Sorry just realised after typing for 10 mins have completed ignored your post and talked about me - sorry. I guess what i was trying to do that there are elements of your feelings and experiences that i can relate to and can feel what you are saying honey. Opening up makes you feel vulnerable - i thinks thats kinda normal and expected - something it has to be tough to get where we want to be - i thinks its gonna be difficult and painful to bring all those memories and expereinces from the boxes in our heads and bring them to a place where there is inner peace - are we going to get there? I dont know, are we ging to try? i think we are doing that already by posting? Much love Maddie xxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
carlylight1 Posted February 18, 2012 Report Share Posted February 18, 2012 (((OL))) not good with words right now but sending lots of hugs your way xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CourtingPsycho Posted February 18, 2012 Report Share Posted February 18, 2012 i guess it was good i didnt really have much of a dad but for what i did have from him it was just living hell :( Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OrangeLamp Posted February 18, 2012 Author Report Share Posted February 18, 2012 thanks for all your replies, I dont like that you've all had the pain, but its good to know I'm not alone. I'm so sorry to hear all that maddie, I'm glad you were able to talk on here though, even if it was bad stuff. I don't know if talking about it helps in the long run, it just has been pouring out sometimes, im so glad to be able to talk about it though, and that you're not all recoiling in horror or thinking im attention seeking. it helps :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OrangeLamp Posted February 18, 2012 Author Report Share Posted February 18, 2012 need hugs and things :< feel rubbish! and like a kid Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OrangeLamp Posted February 18, 2012 Author Report Share Posted February 18, 2012 always hurts when I let things out Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MaddieT Posted February 18, 2012 Report Share Posted February 18, 2012 Big hugs :bigarmhug[1]: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OrangeLamp Posted February 18, 2012 Author Report Share Posted February 18, 2012 :) thank you Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MaddieT Posted February 18, 2012 Report Share Posted February 18, 2012 More than welcome - it is nice to meet another person with similar experiences and still feeling the pain. Talking about it makes it feel very feel but it is only a memory - it can't hurt us now if we don't let it Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OrangeLamp Posted February 18, 2012 Author Report Share Posted February 18, 2012 so how did you get so far? did you talk about it lots then finally come to terms with it or was it something else? Thanks for replying :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MaddieT Posted February 19, 2012 Report Share Posted February 19, 2012 I am still working on it - its an ongoing thing for me. I talk about it with my pyschologist and during counselling sessions. I would admit that there are some things that are too painful to let go - i have had validation from them saying its ok and they nderstand but i am not ready to let them go yet - i am working on this so that this can happen. Unfortunately for me i have ongoing issues with work, my relationship with my current OH and my ex who is the father of my 2 children, 1 of which has aspergers. I believe this has problems in coming to terms with my past and condition. but i don't give up there is some work that has been done that has really helped me to keep safe, so i would encourage anyone to push for that support. Maddie xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dani Posted February 19, 2012 Report Share Posted February 19, 2012 I'm sorry u went through all that.big hugs. Xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roses Posted February 19, 2012 Report Share Posted February 19, 2012 ((((((((((((((((Orange)))))))))))))))))) I haven't read all of your post, got half way down and had to stop. In answer does it ever go away? I guess it depends how you use your pain. It can drive you forward or hold you back depending on the choices you make and the therapy you have. I have, finally, just laid it to bed and let go in the name of my religion I have let things go. Although I cannot forgive and it will affect me every day I found a big release in just saying to myself "it is past an cannot be changed. I can change my future and I'm damn well going to". It's a big spiritual step forward. Everyone harps on about how you have to forgive to move on, you don't but you do need to accept it for what it was. That your feelings are valid and you reacted as any child would. Children only have so many lines of defences as we are programmed to respect our elders or siblings and it gets all messy with the guilt and shit. I guess what I'm trying to say to you is you can take the power back. Have you read "Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway"? It's a simple self-help bestseller from the 90's. Some light reading and exercises and things to ponder about turning the painful fear feelings into powerful self-motivating things. xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OrangeLamp Posted February 19, 2012 Author Report Share Posted February 19, 2012 thanks rosey Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OrangeLamp Posted February 19, 2012 Author Report Share Posted February 19, 2012 if i could move forward id be able to not do this but i know i just cant, but i tried that counts right, i did what my friend wanted me to Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roses Posted February 19, 2012 Report Share Posted February 19, 2012 glad to be of help xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lonelyheartemma Posted February 19, 2012 Report Share Posted February 19, 2012 TRIGGER I wouldnt say i was abused like some people here were abused. I'm sure it couldnt be that bad. But i am scared when my parents are at home. I dont really have any privacy and my mum is always shouting at me out of nowhere for things i don't think i did. I feel scared when she raises her voice to anyone for any reason, i'm scared when she shouts up the stairs for me to come down to dinner. when my mum tells me to shout up the stairs to my dad i go up and tell him in a normal voice, i dont want to shout at anyone. they used to hit me. they think hitting children is ok when the child deserved it. they havent hit me since i was about 14 but i'm still scared it could happen again. once i lost my coat and my mum lifted me up and slammed me against the door. It hasnt happened since and i think it probably won't, i'm bigger now. but i'm scared it might happen again. my mum is unpredictable. footsteps on the stairs scare me because they might be looking for me. everyone thinks my mum is such a lovely supportive person. so if she is horrible to me dont i deserve it? the reason i'm still here is because i feel like i can't do anything including suicide. I wouldnt be able to manage it. and if i did that my parents would be so angry and embarased. they scare me when there angry and embarased and i never know what will make me feel that way next but suicide would. they seem to think i do bad things just to hurt them. why would i do that? sorry orange lamp for saying all that but maybe my experiences are kind of similar even tho they arent as bad? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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