Symptoms Worsening

[ILostHer]

I have had a Clonazepam so I am trying to speak as much as possible today before it goes back to not being able to.

Just wondered if anyone could advise on a couple of things. I have had EDs/anorexia on/off most of my life but I am 36 now and think it may be too much?

Had this latest one just over two years, in the last few weeks my weight has dropped rapidly and I am not sure why. My BMI is about 18.

Chest pain, which is there most of the time, but last night I was woken up with an excrutiating pain in the middle of my chest that lasted about a minute. Never had pain that bad before. I am on Concerta and ritalin which is a bad thing for someone with eds and I wonder if the combination of lack of food and the stimulants is causing this?

The two other main one's are sudden bad eyesight and (this is very, very embarrassing!) impaction. I feel like I am going to have a heart attack when this happens. But the problem is I have safe food, which is the same food daily at 5pm. I cannot eat anything like fruit or veg as I have an extreme fear of needing the toilet. I am not sure how else to avoid the impactions (I am SO sorry for too much information, I really am cringing - I NEVER speak about toilet stuff) as it's lack of fruit and veg causing it. They happen about every two weeks.

I can't go to to the doctor or for the blood tests that they keep asking me too as I have messed up my arm and I don't want them to see it.

So, just wondered if anyone knew how I can avoid the chest pain, the eyesight and the other thing in a way that I can do at home without eating more? (I don't have this ed to lose weight any more, it's just taken over again and I have to be empty and clean and to me food is very bad in lots of ways, I know I could eat more to solve these problems but it really is impossible)

I really hope I can leave this up without deleting. I know I want to leave sometimes but I don't want it to be sudden or out of my control.

[lou99]

i understand.

lactulose is a safe laxative that u can't overdose on, can get it over the counter, follow the instructions on it exactly & it should help, works by keeping water in your colon so stools softer & easier to pass. should help with the chest pain too BUT if you are losing weight rapidly this could be damaging your heart so please try to eat more. the more weight u lose the harder it will get as the ana part of u will get stronger. can u do high cal drinks like complan if u can't face solid food, or at least milk?

[ILostHer]

Hi Lou,

Thanks for replying. I am glad you understand but sorry that you must have been through this.

I can't take laxatives because of my fear. Do you think the chest pain is related? Maybe acid reflux? I struggle to swallow any food and get chest pain when I eat and then it is as if my body is trying to involuntary purge. I am hoping it is acid reflux because that can be sorted over the counter.

I can't drink any of the complan drinks because it's not on my safe food list. But I do have a hot chocolate at 10pm every night. So that is calcium.

It's strange because I had anorexia about 17 years ago and was a very low weight but never had these symptoms.

I'm such an idiot, because I don't help myself. It's hard because I have to follow so many rules.

Thanks again Lou. I might check out acid reflux and see if that is the problem xx

[lou99]

i would class myself as recovering/recovered anorexic but i also have studied nutritional therapy during my recovery.

it could be acid, yes. you're older now than 17 yrs ago so it's harder for your body when u deprive it of nutrients. i could never drink the complan either! i get the rules too but how many cals are u on a day i am serious bout heart damage from losing wt too fast.

[ILostHer]

I am not sure how many calories, I no longer count as I eat exactly the same thing each day. 300 maybe? 350? That includes the hot choc I have at 10pm. My body is so used to that amount now after the last two years that I actually feel ill if I eat over that amount. They did send me for a heart check a few months ago and it was ok so nothing would have changed that quickly? The weight loss was fast at first, then a million plateaus and it's only the last 2 weeks that it fell about 10lbs with no food change.

I am glad you are recovering. How did you manage it? Did you used to suffer from similar symtoms? x

[lou99]

i was very anorexic for about13 years. i used to eat only yoghurt at my worst. i got better very slowly, over about 7 years, with a lot of therapy and a supportive GP, and medication!

your weight loss will keep plateau-ing cos you are eating so little that your body is in starvation mode so it is shutting down to conserve as much as it can.

i am going to be blunt.

if you keep going the way you are then you will be very unhappy for a long time and then you will die of malnutrition.

you have to decide if that is what you want.

only you are responsible for what you put in your mouth. you can listen to the ana voice that wants to kill you or you can find the little voice in you that wants to live and help that little voice that wants to be normal, help that part of you to become stronger and very very gradually increase your "safe food" list just one thing at a time.

i would urge you please to talk to your GP. you said you can't go for tests because of self harm on your arm - believe me they have seen it all before.

recovery is hard. but it is possible if it is what you truly want.

take care x

[lou99]

forgot to say med-wise it was quetiapine that really helped, it's an anti-psychotic so i really didn't want it but it really calmed my head down, i couldn't have done recovery without it.

[ILostHer]

After reading what you wrote Lou, I am not ready to take responsibility. I admit it. Earlier after getting so F****** off over something I shoved 5 pieces of chocolate in my mouth. I HATE myself now. It effects everything. Not just how much I will weigh but everything. I do not eat chocolate, I don't eat before 5pm! I can't believe I did it.

I have one thing, literally one thing that I decide and that is what goes into my body and the consequenses of not deciding are not worth it. I don't want recovery.

I don't care about my symptoms any more. Yesterday I did because I had clonazepam and that makes me apparantley normal. Today I am back in hell.

Sorry Lou, I am not being horrible to you. I am a horrible person and to be honest if I get ill or have a heart attack it might make my mh team finally help me and it might make my stupid psych stop giving me the wrong drugs.

Thank you Lou, for caring. I am glad you have recovered. I am sorry you suffered for so long. You take care too xx

[lou99]

it's ok you're not being horrible you're being ill and pushing people away is part of that.

and if u don't normally eat before 5 then u must be not able to think straight and bloody grumpy all day!

if you ever feel ready for recovery then i will be here xx

[Insideoutgirl]

Oh Honey, The Chest pain doesn't sound good...

Even if you are not ready for recovery it's probably best to seee your g.p. just to make sureit isnt anything else. There can be many causes of chest pain.

I know its tough revealing yourself but your g.p. shouldnt judge you on SH.

I know it is uncomfortable talking about yourself and personal problems.. I've just been to my G.p. today and found it very uncomfortable when he was asking if I knew why I took all the tablets and it made me feel really silly..but it was ok.. because he wasnt judgemental.. Do you have a good relationship with your g.p.?

xx

[ILostHer]

Hi,

Thanks for being sweet. My Ritalin will probably be taken away after what I told my cpn yesterday so if the chest pains go then I know it's them. If they don't go then I'll know it's the ed. So I will see what happens after they have taken the meds off me. If the pains stay I will see my gp as I find it hard to breath at night and if not the meds then I would be more worried.

The sh isn't really what I am worried about, it's what it looks like that worries me as it is so disgusting. But I would just refuse to pull that sleeve up and ask to leave my top on. My gp has left to go private, the next best gp retired and there is one left who is good but I feel stupid in front of him and there are about 6 others that I don't really know.

Everything is pretty hopeless at momentt, so I kind of give up anyway.

I hope you are feeling better than you did the other day (((insideoutgirl)))xxx

[Insideoutgirl]

Hey homey,

I am feeling better thank you =)

I didn't take my tablets for a few days... (the ones I'm supposed to take and not the others!) Don't think that helped. I felt like they were making me not care and that if I didn't take them the I'd look better as I'd care and i'd be "healthier"... I know that sounds pretty odd!

I'm glad to hear that you are trying to find out what it is hun.. hope its the meds as guess those can be changed for an alternative.

Its good to hear you will go to your g.p. anyway if it is not that, I know it takes strength, especially when it is not someone you are used to... I always request what Dr I see as then at least I know what to expect. It's a shame your G.P. has left but could you request the one you do know?

Let us know how it goes

Will be thinking of you

xx ((ILostHer))

[Insideoutgirl]

P.S. I'm sorry to here things are so difficult at the moment, wishing you all the strength sweetie xx