MaddieT Posted February 25, 2012 Report Share Posted February 25, 2012 Hi Everyone, I woke up this morning and feel like the light has been turned on again in my life. I am sorry if what i say offends anyone but this is just my experience and what i am feeling. I don't know if this will be my feeling an hour later or tomorrow. I don't know where this has come from or have i particularly thought about it conciously. I am overweight by about 4 1/2 stone - i did that by overeating.Nothing else, just overeating. My house is a mess and disorganised - me and my family did that - nothing else. I have BPD and depression and PTSD - i caused some of that, others caused some of that but i had choices, sometimes i made the wrong ones, sometimes the right ones. What am i trying say? I am feeling like for the last 12 months my illness has totally taken over my life, i have cried, i have SH, i have tried to OD - why because the nature of my illness told me to do that. I allowed it to make me do this - no-one else so why am i hiding behind this and using this as an excuse for my actions, for my feelings, for how i treat people - its is not an excuse. I am sick of this illness but i know that the only person that can get this better is me, not meds not pyschotherapy because the more i hide behind it, the more times i regress into a child, i stomp, i cry to get what i want, what i need is not helping me. I was well before, i will be well again. This is now my chance to change what i do, what i say. I can't control what others say or what others do, but i am going to accept responsibility for my actions and stop blaming my illness or other people. I am actually angry at myself that i have allowed myself to get this bad and to have done the things i have done, but i am not gonna keep this going. I just needed to put this down on paper so i can look at this when my feelings try and put me back where i don't want to be. It would be so easy to sleep, to sink back into the depression, to feel sorry for myself for everything i have been through, for everything i worry about but hasn't happened yet, but who is that going to help - no-one but my illness. I am not going to let BPD tell me what i am going to be - no fucker does that. Again this isn't aimed at anyone or trying to put down BPD - this is just my thoughts. Maddie xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OrangeLamp Posted February 25, 2012 Report Share Posted February 25, 2012 glad you feel better Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
imdebbiem Posted February 25, 2012 Report Share Posted February 25, 2012 Glad you are feeling focused and positive Maddie...I hope you continue to feel this way xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jenny1471 Posted February 25, 2012 Report Share Posted February 25, 2012 Hi, Quite a lot of your post struck a chord with me and I'm glad that you posted your thoughts here. I think it's great that you're feeling positive and realising that you are in control of your thoughts and life. While that's true and I'm glad that you're feeling positive, I also know that it's hard to always hold on to the positive thoughts and the realisation that we are all in control of our thoughts and life. You're right in that we cannot control what others say or do, but we can only control our reactions etc That in itself is a great thing to hold on to although it can be difficult at times. I often feel like I have a grown up Jenny and a child Jenny in me, both living and fighting to survive. Most of the time I can be in the logical, grown up Jenny mind (like now) where I would be quite capable of writing a post very similar to the one you have posted here today. I personally feel like I have quite a lot of self awareness.. in fact I could probably write a book on things such as depression, boundaries, etc. but it's this other child part in me that doesn't have this logical side. It's connected more to feelings.. and it's at times when things are particularly difficult (normally nighttime) that this child Jenny comes through and logical Jenny struggles to get heard! Not sure what I'm trying to say and I don't in any way want to put a dampner on what you're saying above.. i guess I'm just trying to say that the logic and thought process sounds fantastic. And I'm glad that hopefully by writing it all down here it may help you in the future to refer back to it. I'm trying to also urge you not to feel bad about yourself for previous or any future dips in mood or actions/thoughts that you don't want to take, while feeling logical. I hear you sound angry at yourself for things you've done or allowed yourself to do/feel in your past.. and I guess i just want to say that this is normal. Life is a journey.. we learn through events, mistakes and all sorts.. but just because we learn logically through things doesn't mean that it'll never happen again. I'm thinking of a poem thing which goes like this: Autobiography in Five Short Chapters ~By Portia Nelson ~ Chapter 1 I walk down the street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I fall in. I am lost ... I am helpless. It isn't my fault. It takes forever to find a way out. Chapter 2 I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I pretend I don't see it. I fall in again. I can't believe I am in the same place. But it isn't my fault. It still takes a long time to get out. Chapter 3 I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I see it is there. I still fall in ... it's a habit. My eyes are open. I know where I am. It is my fault. I get out immediately. Chapter 4 I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I walk around it. Chapter 5 I walk down another street. Wow I'm really aware that this reply sounds like it's coming from a very negative place.. I'm honestly not trying to be negative but I'm trying to come from a place of warmth and understanding, trying to reassure you that yes things are difficult, we've done things in the past that we'd rather not, but that to get to a different place can take time. It's ok to fall down that hole a few times.. and it's ok to lean on others for support for help to get out of the hole. It's ok to use resources around you, such as psychotherapy and medication.. these can all form very important support pillars in life. You don't need to do it all alone.. it's possible to take responsibility for yourself AND still get support from others when needed. I'm really proud of you for telling your past and diagnoses to f off.. for wanting to take more control over your life.. for not blaming others or allowing yourself to sink in to negative spirals. I truly hope things go well for you with all of these things.. and again, not trying to be negative!, but please do remember that the thoughts/feelings are real and there for a reason.. it's ok to experience them and reach out for support and not be so hard on yourself in these times as and when they arise. Waffle over Jenny x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dibley Posted February 25, 2012 Report Share Posted February 25, 2012 You seem very angry with yourself. There is no need to be. You can't help how you are feeling, you didn't ask for this. xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MaddieT Posted February 25, 2012 Author Report Share Posted February 25, 2012 Thanks everyone for your posts. I thought I was coming across as i knew it all and i was cured. Far from it!! Jenny - thank you for your lovely post - I read it through about 3 times as i found it really interesting and you really struck a chord with me. What you pointed out is entirely true. Maddie xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jenny1471 Posted February 25, 2012 Report Share Posted February 25, 2012 Hi Maddie, My reply has been on my mind this afternoon as I was hoping it made sense and wasn't negative. I've actually just read it through now and applaud you for being able to read it through 3 times! I confused myself when reading through it just now lol. I hope you've had a good day and have a good evening/night too. It's good to know that we're not alone Jenny x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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