lonelyheartemma Posted March 7, 2012 Report Share Posted March 7, 2012 I'm thinking about telling my GP about my mum and how she makes me feel. as my mum comes with my to all my appts it would have to be in a letter. my main reason for telling her is because i'm hoping she might help me to see her without my mum being there. when my mum is there i can't really talk about my depression because my mum is a big part of that. the other problem is my mum talks all the time and talks over me and refuses me permission to talk about certain things and i would like to be able to talk to my own doctor! But there are problems with this. my GP really likes my mum a lot. when i went to see her yesterday i came first and she said hello in a friendly way. then my mum came in behind me and my GP said hello in a really exited way. so she obviously really likes my mum more than she likes me. So the first problem is it seems really mean to talk about someone she likes like that and the second problem is she might not believe me also the GPs husband is one of my sisters close friends, my sister also knows my GP. so if my GP knows about problems in the family it could get really awkward for her. The usual response when i say i have problems with my parents is 'talk to your sister'. So if my GP says that i'll have to explain my sister (her friend) doesnt like me. So its going to be really difficult and the GP will probably think i'm the one with the problem. also the way my GPs room is set up you can see whats on the screen. I sit in the seat with the best view but my mum can still see from where shes sitting. they have copies of letters on the computer so if my GP is looking through my records and she clicks on the page with my letter on my mum might see what i'm saying about her. and as far as my mum is concerned anything bad i say about her is a lie. then if my GP wants to reply to my letter she can't do that because my mum wants to read all my letters. the only way she could respond without my mum knowing is email (but doctors dont have email adresses patients can use) or on the phone which would be fine if it was tomorow afternoon but thats the only time shes in when my parents are on holiday. I can only do phone calls when my parents are out because they listen. it is possible to book appts online but the website isnt up to date and my GP isnt on there yet. I wanted to tell the reception about this yesterday when i saw my GP but my mum told her for me and when the receptionist said it had all been updated now my mum wouldnt accept my word i'd checked 10 minutes before we left for the appt. So she believed the receptionist over me. I suppose one option is to book an appt with another doctor and go secretly at a time when my mum can't go and explain to her and hope she passes the message on to my GP. Or i could get a new GP but i don't really want to, shes so lovely, she is passionate about physical and mental health, shes very switched on and really seems to know everything! I just tried to book an appt online but even tho i was looking at the paper with my login details on it didnt work! now my account is locked for an hour. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AmyP Posted March 7, 2012 Report Share Posted March 7, 2012 that sounds like a really difficult situation to be in. i think it would definitely be a good idea to try and get an appt on your own as your mum going with you is hindering your recovery and treatment. a major part of getting out of depression is talking about what bothers you and if the main thing that does is there person who is with you that obviously isnt going to work. good luck getting an appt hun xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
imdebbiem Posted March 7, 2012 Report Share Posted March 7, 2012 I think you should get an appt with your gp secretly and go on your own, i deffo think it should be your usual doctor you see as she knows you and you like your doctor so its not worth changing doctors... the important thing for your doctor to know is that your Mum been present at your appointments is hindering your treatment for depression, so im sure your gp will benefit from knowing this, even if she is a family friend. Good Luck xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
starryeyesee Posted March 7, 2012 Report Share Posted March 7, 2012 Hi Emma I think you should definitely try and get an appointment on your own. Your GP should be made aware of how much your mum affects your mental health. She should also be proffessional enough to not just suggest you talk to your sister. Writing to her is also another good idea although if I was in your situation I would try to get an appointment while your parents are away. xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
donnam Posted March 7, 2012 Report Share Posted March 7, 2012 hi emma, your gp is not allowed to say anything to your sister, or any other family member, or even imply that u have been in the surgery. you could may be write a letter to your gp saying that u do not wish your mum to be allowed into your appointments, you dont have to say more than that but that your mum, will not permit u to attend with out her, then the gp would have to ask if it is ok if your mum comes in with you, at this point it would be up to u to say no. or could u swop gps?to one that is not a family friend? this in its self would be a feasible reason, other than that make apts when your mum expects you to be out, eg at library etc, so she doesnt expect u to be at home Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bena.baby Posted March 7, 2012 Report Share Posted March 7, 2012 As others have said, your GP is very unlikely to say anything to your family, they're very strict about that. If she told people you'd seen her, it's pretty likely that she wouldn't be allowed to be a doctor any more, and I doubt many people would risk their career for a bit of a gossip. I think you need to see your GP alone. Your mum sounds like she is pretty much causing most of your problems, so how can you get help if you can't even speak freely? Can I just say as well that I think your response is totally normal? You are living in really horrible and abusive conditions. It reminds me of when I was child and had no privacy and everything I did was scrutinised. Luckily, I could move out when I was 17, but if I still had to live with my parents, I would feel awful. It took me a long time to learn to stand up to my mum. Since the very first time I did it, she has backed right off. She just had no clue what to do. I really hope that at some point, you are able to do the same. You're doing really well - make that appointment, write the letter. We're all behind you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lou99 Posted March 7, 2012 Report Share Posted March 7, 2012 ditto to everything esme said! Lou x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lonelyheartemma Posted March 8, 2012 Author Report Share Posted March 8, 2012 thank you for all your replies Pandora I agree, i was hoping to talk to the psychologist about these problems but as they arent offering me an appt it really means i have no one to talk to. my social worker seems quite nice but she can't offer me any sort of therapy. Starry I agree with you that my GP would be really profesional about it i'm just worried about it being uncomfortable for her personally, she might be really upset that 2 people she really likes make me want to kill myself. one of my other GPs suggested talking to my sister once so i thought maybe a lot of doctors do that. The chance of getting an appt when they are away is very small, they will only be away thurs to sat and my GP only works one of those days. I could ask for a phone appt but usually you have to phone at 9am and my parents will still be here then. Cad i wouldnt dare say no if my GP asked if it was ok for my mum to come in. The only way i can talk to her is to make a secret appt my mum doesnt know about. maybe we could arrange it so i go every month but my mum only goes every other month and she thinks there arent any other appts but that would be really complicated. Swapping GPs might be the only option tho my mum would still want to take me to the nice one every month. thank you Esme and Lou I thought it probably was normal to feel like this but its hard to know if i'm normal or not, my mum says i'm not. anyway i just want to say it is reasuring to know that part of the problem is my mum has told me lots of times that i mustnt impose on the GP. but if i contact her without my mum knowing arent i imposing on her? secret appts will be hard. my mum doesnt expect me to leave the house except to go to concerts she aproves of. so if i leave I need a really good reason. all i can think of is saying i'm going to the tanning shop and then getting a spray tan or another beauty treatment, my mum doesnt aprove of me getting those but shes never stopped me, she just tells me what a waste of time and money it is. but that would probably give me enough freedom to go to the doctors and get the beauty treatment done (I dont want to lie totally) and if a neighbour sees me in the area and tells my mum she won't wonder why i was there. of course if the neighbour sees me in the doctors that could be a problem but for some reason people are always telling my mum theyve seen me somewhere i wasnt so she might just assume someone made a mistake again. so theres a few things i could do 1. write a letter to my GP and post it using one of my secret stamps. this will mean i won't have a reply from the doctor as she wont get the letter til my parents are home. so I wont know whats going on unless she decides to write back or phone me anyway which would be a problem because my mum will read the letter/listen to my phone call. 2. write a letter and deliver it to surgery by hand. this might seem weird to the reception people (who already think i'm a freak) and the mail system is very dodgy. when doctors get copies of letters from specialists they are posted together but the doctors dont always read them til a week after i get my copy. So the letter probably won't reach the GP any quicker. 3. phone after my parents have gone and ask for my GP to phone me. My GP has said i'm welcome to do this but my mum has told me i mustnt do it. But the reception people might refuse to do it as usually you have to phone at 9am to ask for a GP to phone you and most people just dont understand how i can be so completely under my mums control so its not something i can easily explain to the receptionists. also if she phones me i'll have to talk to her on the phone but my parents won't be listening so i'll be a lot less anxious than i usually am about phones 4. phone/visit the doctors after my parents have gone and try to get an emergency appt with any doctor. another GP might be happy to pass the message to my GP. But they probably wouldnt consider my problem an emergency so theyll be annoyed with me for taking up an emergency appt and they might not pass on the message, they might just stick it in my notes. So my GP might not see it before my next appt. she might even see it for the first time IN my appt when shes checking my records in full view of my mum. 5. Book an appt with either GP or another doctor as soon as possible and book an appt after/before it at the tanning place. The trouble with this is i never know quite what my mums doing so theres a chance she might decide to go to the shops at this time and also a chance she might call in at the surgery if theres been a problem with her or my prescriptions (if the problems with mine i can offer to go myself but she might say no). thursday lunchtime sort of time is the only time i can be sure she'll be at home because she has clients who come then but some random weeks they dont come and also my dad is off work thurs morning so he might randomly decide to go to the shops. And what if there are no beauty appts at that time? I suppose if that does happen i can say i'm getting my bikini line done, i don't think my mum would insist on seeing that! I dont think i've really got a good enough reason for emergency appts and phone appts. So I think writing a letter and/or booking an appt at an inconvenient time for my mum are the best options. I'm not sure whats best, maybe i'll be able to decide if i think about it. If i make an appt i can get an imediate response from the doctor and we can maybe make some sort of plan. But it might be better to see a different doctor just in case my GP gets worried i've booked in to see her too soon and decides to phone my mum before the appt takes place. This shouldnt happen but my GP is so caring i really think she'd be genuinely worried but also make the assumption my mum knows about it. But if i send a letter then my actual GP will know how things are quite soon and if i did make any extra appts she wouldnt phone my mum to ask if i'm okay. 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Myla Posted March 8, 2012 Report Share Posted March 8, 2012 Hi Emma, I really feel for you. All this considering must be rather draining but you're extremely good at weighing up pros and cons of each potential option. Fwiw I think you should bite the bullet and make contact by phone after your parents leave. Gps really are there to help us and if for any reason you feel that one doesn't seem to want to help then change to someone who does. You worry that your gp seems to really "like" your mum and won't believe you. I'm wondering whether it feels like this because you've been a patient since childhood and thus she has seen you both as a child and an adult whereas she's only ever seen your mum as an adult. I really hope you're able to speak with her (either in person or on the phone). xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lonelyheartemma Posted March 8, 2012 Author Report Share Posted March 8, 2012 thank you Myla, its nice to see you again My GP didnt know me as a child, i think shes only just qualified, she's maybe 26-27? my GP might have been at my sisters 18th, her boyfriend (now husband) was there but i dont think i met her. mostly everyone ignored me except when they told my sister i was drinking alcohol and my sister took me up to my bedroom for a lecture haha. my GP might have seen me at the party, i was the only underage one so maybe she remembers me as a 14 year old drunkard! I do have an official GP but i dont remember ever seeing him, a lot of people see the first doctor who's available but for me its always been important finding a GP who is really nice and takes both my mental and physical health seriously but the best ones keep leaving so i have to find someone else! I wish i was better at making decisions! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shadow girl Posted March 8, 2012 Report Share Posted March 8, 2012 Hi Emma, If you ask for an emergency appt or a phone appointment while your parents are away it is a completely legitimate and appropriate use of the Drs time. The level of control and interference you experience at home is abusive and it is right that you seek help whenever you can - ie at short notice while they are away. Please try and do it - what your mum has said about not bothering the GP and imposing on the GP is not true. You are deserving and entitled to help and treatment and you don't deserve to be prevented from receiving that care by your family. Sending huge hugs. I can't imagine how difficult this must be for you. xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lonelyheartemma Posted March 8, 2012 Author Report Share Posted March 8, 2012 thank you Shadow it just feels like theyve only got my word for it that its abusive and what if i've got that wrong? even you can't be completely sure because you've only got my pov and how do they know they can trust it? I'm not sure i trust me. The social worker should have got my letter by now. she hasnt phoned or emailed yet, i hope that doesnt mean theres a letter on the way which my mum will want to read :/ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lonelyheartemma Posted March 8, 2012 Author Report Share Posted March 8, 2012 Dear Dr B First of all I would like to say I really love coming to your appointments. I always leave your room feeling better than when I went in and I really appreciate how understanding you always are. But there's something I think you should know. I'm really worried it's going to make things really difficult between us as you know my mum and my sister. I'm also worried about what my sister has told you about me. My sister doesn't really understand mental health problems and she's never seen any evidence of my physical health problems so she doesn't really believe in them either. But as I don't know when or if I will have proper mental health support I feel like I should tell some kind of medical person and my online friends thought you were the best person to tell. (They said I should make an emergency appointment but I didn't think it was really an emergency.) If you feel like you'd rather I talked to a different daughter would it be possible for you to give my letter to Dr P? I really like her too. My problem is my relationship with my mum. I know this sounds bad, I know you really like her and I don't really want to change that, she is very nice to people she likes. She really likes you a lot and so do I. But she is very controling and I would say she is the main cause of my depression. She is always putting me down and saying very hurtful things, either to me directly or about the sort of person I am (i.e. unemployed/depressed). For example she recently told me I had to do everything tax payers told me to do because people who don't pay tax are inferior. She also told me I was in a lower social class from the rest of our family. Every time I start to develop a bit of confidence my mum squashes it out of me and make me feel like an inadequate and horrible person. I wish I could come and see you on my own but my mum won't let me. I'm afraid I also have to ask you not to reply to my letter in the post as my mum wants to read all my letters and she would be so cross if she found out I'd written to you at all and I'm really scared of what might happen if she knew I was writing about her. She says I mustn't bother you but I don't know who else to tell. I've told my social worker but she hasn't emailed me back and I'm not sure how much she can do as she isn't a medical person. My mum also likes to read the letters I sent to people, the only reason I'm able to send this one without her knowing is because my parents are on holiday at the moment so I can leave the house without her wanting to know where I'm going. They only go for 2 days at a time because they don't think I can cope if they left me for longer. I used to not be able to cope but I'm older now and more mature but my parents don't see that. My mum also listens to my phone conversations and wants to know what the person wants. But if you do want to get in touch for any reason you can always email me, though I understand if doctors can't email patients. Some of my online friends email their doctors but I think most of them don't. My mum has asked me several times to tell her my email password but so far I've refused. Even though I like coming to see you the appointments are difficult as my mum basically takes charge of what we're going to talk about. If I want to talk about something and she doesn't want me to we don't talk about it. I annoyed her last time by asking about my heart rate, my mum said we couldn't ask that but I was really worried. I'd been told by a few people my heart rate was dangerously high but no one seemed to want to do anything about it except do tests and then discharge me. But I shouldn't really have mentioned that. I don't really talk in my appointments much because I'm scared of saying something wrong. In some ways it doesn't matter because you are always really helpful so something good always comes from what we talk about but it's horrible feeling I can't talk to my own doctor. Also I feel she's making decisions for me that should really be mine. She has forced me to accept a job maintaining my mum's colleague's website even though I don't know anything about websites and I find them really hard. I didn't feel like I had any choice, my mum just came home one day and said she'd told her colleague I'd do it for her. Then her colleague offered me a different job, a job I would have really loved and which I could do from home. I'm not sure I would have accepted it because her relationship with my mum makes it really difficult but she spoke to my mum about it first and my mum told her I wouldn't be interested. Then my mum came home and told me she'd turned down a job for me. I feel really trapped and as though I will never be happy. I can't make friends except online. I used to be okay at talking to people when my mum wasn't there but now my mum is with me nearly all the time I have lost confidence in my ability to talk. I did a hairdressing course last year which I loved (though my mum has said a few times I'd be a rubbish hairdresser) but I only really talked to the tutor and my learning support assistant. I was scared of talking to the other students. I kind of think that if my mum doesn't like me, why would anyone else? I don't know what to put after that but it's probably too long already. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shadow girl Posted March 9, 2012 Report Share Posted March 9, 2012 Emma, that is a fantastic letter. I feel I understand much better now and I'm sure your Dr will. Especially as she has witnessed it, and now she is aware will recognise what is happening when your mum takes over your appoiontments. Hang in there, i'm sure you have taken a really positive step. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bena.baby Posted March 9, 2012 Report Share Posted March 9, 2012 The letter is perfect, explains what you want and what the problem is very clearly. I hope that you keep a copy of it - it will remind you how brave you were, and also when you are finally out of this situation you will be able to look back and see how far you've come. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lonelyheartemma Posted March 9, 2012 Author Report Share Posted March 9, 2012 ugh typing daughter for doctor is so typical of me, it starts with d and ends with r and her a t in the middle! thank you Shadow and Esme xxx I'm having second thoughts, i'm so scared of what will happen if i send this letter. But i'm also scared of what will happen if no one professional is supporting me Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JasmineRose Posted March 9, 2012 Report Share Posted March 9, 2012 What are you scared might happen? What is the worst that can happen? What is the best that can happen? I understand what it's like to be so controlled by another, and admire your determination to break free and create your own identity. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lonelyheartemma Posted March 9, 2012 Author Report Share Posted March 9, 2012 What are you scared might happen? my mum might find out the doctor might say my mum is lovely and i'm wrong the doctor might refuse to see me anymore the doctor might not care at all and might not bother to do anything I'm scared that even if the doctor does agree to secret appts with me one of us will slip up in 1 of the appts my mum is at What is the worst that can happen? my mum might find out and i don't know what she'll do to me but i'll probably end up with even less privacy if the doctor likes my mum and i say bad things about her the doctor is going to hate me and shes so lovely! if the doctor refuses to see me anymore i'll need to think of some sort of explanation to tell my mum and i'll have lost a really good doctor if the doctor does nothing i will feel even more helpless and trapped and not cared about and maybe i'll really start to believe my suspisions that i'm the horrible one and no one likes me and i'm fooling everyone on this site. I'm sure all the bad things happened, i remember them but what if my memories arent real? if my mum finds out about secret appts with me doctor she will be really cross with me for wasting the doctors time and she'll probably guess i was 'telling lies' about her and being at home will be even worse What is the best that can happen? I really dont know. I don't know what the doctor can really do. But i might end up with a professional person to talk to who i can really listen to. There was 1 thing my doctor said that upset me. was actually talking about me cutting down on my anti depressants! I said i still needed them and i needed more if anything because i want to kill myself and she was like 'maybe you can start cutting down in a couple of months'. another doctor whos trying to take away the only support i've got and doesnt seem to get how bad i feel! I dont blame her tho. if my mum keeps telling her i'm not really depressed shes going to believe her isnt she? thank you Jasmine. but i'm really starting to think breaking free is impossible. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JasmineRose Posted March 9, 2012 Report Share Posted March 9, 2012 If your Mum is the main cause of your depression, are the anti-depressants really helping with that? Just, you see, I'm wondering if your GP is actually thinking that looking at the root cause is more important, but is approaching this from sort of sideways? That thought would make sense, if, in that time, you had support to develop autonomy and such... Am I making sense? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lonelyheartemma Posted March 9, 2012 Author Report Share Posted March 9, 2012 idk its hard to tell but i think it was worse when a different doctor made me cut down to 2. I'm sorry Jasmine i'm not sure i do understand. if shes looking for root cause wouldnt she ask me about what makes me depressed? tho my mum has already told her i'm depressed because i'm lonely and ill, maybe my doctor thinks thats reason enough Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
donnam Posted March 9, 2012 Report Share Posted March 9, 2012 i think it is a fab letter emma, and def think u should post it, ask for response by email, so your mum doesnt see the letter. may be ask if the gp can say "do you mind if i can see emma alone?" and then all you have to say is "thats fine" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JasmineRose Posted March 9, 2012 Report Share Posted March 9, 2012 Ok, sorry, I thought you'd already told her the root cause... But maybe she has figured out it's connected to your Mum? Also, remember that your GP can like your Mum at the same time have reservations about the way she has parented you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lonelyheartemma Posted March 9, 2012 Author Report Share Posted March 9, 2012 I havent been able to tell her the root cause Jasmine, i've never seen her without my mum being there. its possible she's picked up on something when i asked my mum permission to mention my heart, my mum said no but my GP answered my question anyway. But thats very true, its def possible to be a great person and a bad parent! I'm sure there are loads of people who are great with most people but have a kind of mental block with certain types of people, with my mum it's depressed and unemployed people. I think its more complicated with my mum as she also tries and fails to control my sister and she's quite horrible to my dad but a doctor will usually see my mum at her best because she loves being around intelligent people. Cad thats a really good idea about her asking to see me on my own, i don't think its unreasonable for a doctor to ask that and i could tell my mum she'd just noticed how my mum did most of the talking and she wanted to make sure there wasnt anything i wanted to say. I would worry about my mum listening at the door but there will be other patients around waiting to see the other doctors so i don't think she'd do something like that. I'm not sure if doctors can email patients but i suppose theres nothing to stop her from emailing me and then blocking my email adress so I cant reply Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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