"always The Victim"

[sheeba88]

I've had this said to me in a few arguments with my boyfriend. I'm not sure if it's true, I'm guessing the fact he's said it a few times that perhaps it is. But I don't feel like I'm behaving that way, surely I have rights like any other person not to be made upset or have my past closely examined and judged by other people? I have made mistakes yes, but I have apologised to the correct people and I have moved on. I do not want to be blamed forever, people can change and I have done.

Are people with BPD "always the victim"?

Has anyone ever said this to you?

How did it make you feel?

How did you respond?

[bena.baby]

It's not really a nice thing for your boyfriend to say. Although I do think people with mental health problems need to take responsibility for their problems, that is something that took a long time for me to learn and to deal with and I still don't always manage now.

I definitely used to feel and act like a victim I think. I used to think everyone was horrible to me. Honestly, I do see a lot of people with mental health problems not really taking responsibility for their problems and that to me is a victim. It's hard to say what your boyfriend meant and what the context was though.

Your boyfriend knows you have problems, I guess, so really he shouldn't be saying horrible things to you in the course of an argument. If there is a problem with your behaviour, he really should learn to sit down and talk about it with you rationally rather than throwing insults around. One of the reasons my boyfriend and I work is that he very rarely gets angry and even if he does, he just goes quiet and doesn't call me names or anything.

[Lily-Bee]

No have never been told that when I get overly whiney though my hubby likes to pretend to be playing a sad violin lol

Just wondering do you use your past or troubles as an excuse for bad behavior? AI I cant help it,poor me,everybody just needs to understand?

Do you turn arguments into; poor me,dont critize me because I am so hurt already in life etc

Such things I would call playing the victim. Not saying that you do that just asking.

[sheeba88]

Well the argument started about the fact when we met I was living in a house with an ex (though I didn't really think of him like that, seen as I'm 24 now and we went out when I were 16-17). I was completely honest with my boyfriend about my past (I used to drink/take drugs/be promiscuous) and about my housemate.

He kept probing me about my past relationships, which I was honest about, I had a complicated relationship with two guys, cheated (kissed) one with the other - though I was completely honest about it and confessed to it. My boyfriend said I deserved to have a bad back that year because I cheated.

Which is fair enough, cheating is bad and I would never do it again. I apologised to everyone involved and I have changed. I don't drink or take drugs anymore and I am very committed to my current boyfriend.

But it upset me, that he was sat there laughing, making judgements about my past, as if he is perfect or something. I have made my mistakes, and I'm not proud of them, or myself. Infact I don't really like myself very much because of my past, but it's not something I can change, all I can do is try move on from the past and be a better person today. So yeah it upset me.

I got upset about it and walked off (I hate crying in front of people) - he then came to see where I'd gone, and when I told him I thought he was out of order for making judgements about my past now. And that is when he said that I'm always the victim.

Am I being a victim?

I just don't know anymore.

[AmyP]

my mother has said i always think im the victim or 'you need to stop playing the victim'.....

[bena.baby]

Doesn't sound very victimish to me. Why should he judge you on your past? To me, that makes no sense. Actually, it makes no sense to me to judge someone on taking drugs or drinking or sleeping around because it makes no difference to anyone else if you do those things.

Also, if he isn't going to be happy with what you tell him about your past then, you know, maybe he shouldn't ask you?

Could it be that the fact you cheated makes him feel insecure but he doesn't know how to voice that? (No judgement, I have cheated in the past too.)

[Lily-Bee]

Doesnt sound like being the victim to me either and I wonder like Esme if he still has resentment about the cheating making himlash out......

[sheeba88]

Exactly. That is what I thought. I asked him what relevance it had to our relationship and he said "I want to know what sorta girl I'm going out with"

And though he said he was joking, it's made me angry. I was completely honest with him when we first got together - I explained I had cheated in the past, that I had a crazy/drink/drug fuelled life beforehand and he never had much of a problem with it then, or if he did we talked it through and continued going out. Now 8 months down the line and he's examining my past behaviour and saying things like that. It's angered me a little, perhaps because I'm frightened he is going to judge me and then not like me and want to end it? Also because it's fetching up quite a dark time in my life that I don't really want to think about, and that is nothing to do with escaping blame. I hold my hands up high for being a cheat and treating those two men awfully, I was selfish and cruel, I didn't think about the consequences of my actions. I know all of this. But I don't want to rub my face in it all of the time, people change and move on. I'm trying to make ammends for my past life by being better today.

I think perhaps he is insecure. But he's said to me that I'm always a victim before. Sometimes I think he actually hates me. It's bizarre.

[Lily-Bee]

Have you ever at a calm time tried to gently talk about this with him?

[sheeba88]

No I haven't spoken to him about this, I think I should though. I'm not really sure what to say, it'll probably just turn into another argument. Or I'll just be being a victim again, by making him look at his behaviour/feel bad about it.