I Have Been Thinking

[abee.abee1991]

***** Possible Trigger, mention of childhood abuse, self harm *****

Lately all I seem to do is push people away. My very few friends, family etc I’ve been thinking why I do this.

I push people away because I am scared to have a relationship and it to all end badly like it always has done since I was young, this way I know I am in control and know they cant hurt me. And plus if I don’t have them here I wont be able to hurt them either, I hate to think how much pain I have put on my family these past 2 years and I know I can never fix that but I can do to friends because if there is not a friendship before hand there will be no hurt.

I never had many friends, was bullied throughout my school years, never had a good relationship with my Dad which I realise now since starting therapy is all I have ever wanted is for him to love me like he does to my other siblings but no all we do and always have done is fight, he is verbally abusive to me. I have recently remembered a past memory that I must of blocked out when I was little crying and trying to hide on my mother because my Dad was screaming and yelling at me and my Mum kept telling him to stop it, can’t you see you are upsetting her.

I have always been a mummy’s girl. Hated leaving her side to go to school, never went away from her side for more than a day, I have been called “her shadow” as I was always with her.

I was sexually abused when I was 10 on a week trip with school, the first time I had ever been away from my Mum. I have never had a boyfriend unless you count the one that was for only a day and he only used me to get to my then best friend (we never, kissed, held hands etc) I have never been able to trust a guy because of my childhood, I am scared they will take advantage of me and then abandon me. I feel awful as I am a Christian (no sex before marriage) and this vile man took that away from me, makes me feel that I am a bad Christian.

Which leads me to this which I started writing earlier but then started to think no it’s all a lie..

I have been wondering for the past few months whether this depression is not just depression.

My CPN has been giving me coping strategies based for treating borderline personality disorder, I know that these techniques are used with other illness’s as well so kind of just shrugged it off but it has always stayed in my mind ‘what if?’…

And then since starting cognitive analytic therapy I have noticed things, when I do let things come out, they are different, not normal?

I have been disconnecting more and more, this has only been happening for nearly a year, at first it was the odd one over 3-4 months but now it happens when I am so stressed out or depressed. I have been self harming more and more and deeper and ending up having to be stitched or glued each time, most of the time now I self harm and it’s like it’s not me doing it, I disconnect and I come round and realise what has happened when it is too late. I just want to keep this wall up around me, I don’t want to be alone but I am scared to be hurt. I try to keep everything bottled up but every once in a while stuff overflows because I can’t deal with it.

Can anybody tell me what they/you think this may be? Last year I was told by my GP I have major depression, my CPN and some weird woman asked this year to what I think it is so I told them what my GP mentioned and all they said is you are depressed but we don't like to label people to early.

I am starting to really wonder if this isn't depression but something else?

LBB

[Shadow girl]

Hi LBB,

try not to worry about your label - if they are giving you opportunity for helpful treatment then some labels can be bettr left out of your records. For example, if BPD is never formally diagnosed you won't have to declare it when buying travel insurance and such like. However, having the label did help me understand the way I am and not feel so bad about it. You have to weigh up the pros and cons of being officially labelled with a mental illness.

I understansd what you are saying about feeling like a bad christian. This is not true though. As a christian I believe God's love and forgiveness is total regardless of your past and what has been done to you. There is nothing can separate you from God's love. I know it's easy to say that and hard to live out that belief. Sometimes it seems impossible to have faith but that doesn't mean you've failed, it means you are human. Big hugs. xxx

[abee.abee1991]

Heya Shadow girl, thanks for your reply.

In a way I really want to know if it's something other than depression I have, so I can research it and find things to help like how it helped you to understand.

Thank you for understanding me about being a Christian. I can see what you mean by you said but it's hard thinking this guy took such an important thing away from me and believing in no sex before marriage it just feels like it's ruined. Sorry really hard to explain

LBB xxx

[abee.abee1991]

Just re-looked through all my old posts and came across one that I started on 15th March 2011 (bang on a year ago today, creepy) which I named "Abnormal personality features" because my psych at the time wrote this in a review, maybe he was right, maybe he knew something but wasn't sure, maybe it is all coming out now??

I want to know, I want to know what is wrong me, I want to know what can I do if anything to help? I hate feeling like this, my head is so f*cked up with everything, all the possibilities. Could it be BPD?, I want to know so badly, is it or is it all fake?

[abee.abee1991]

Just got of skype to my Aunt and Uncle in America and discovered something new. My Aunt (Blood related, great aunt) suffers from a personality disorder, Narcissism, I think she said it was called?. So this could be real, I may quite possibly have BPD. Everything is coming into place, reading up on BPD I can see my self, it all relates. Maybe my depression has been hiding it. Going to talk with my CPN at my next appointment, a week today and ask about it. Think they have had an inkling from the beginning especially as my psych then, said a year ago about abnormal personality features in a review.

LBB xx