Hello

[Pickle59]

Hello to everyone,

I am new here. I have been searching and searching on the web to try and find out some more about why I feel the way I do.

I am a recovering alcoholic of 10 years and practicing a 12th step programme.

I have felt for really quite a while that i should feel much more well than I do.

I truly thought that my difficulties with life and my perceptions of it were largely due to being an alcoholic.

The twelve step programme is a life saver, but despite all I am still me, and that me I am struggling with big time at the moment.

I have a huge quest for knowledge in trying to understand what is going on. If that isn't an ism I don't know what is, but seriously, I have been doing loads of online personality quizzes and they all come up with a result of Borderline Personality Disorder.

I would welcome any views of possibly what I might do now?

Should I approach my GP or someone about this, or would it just be best to carry on with what I already try to practice with the possibility that I may have BPD?

Any thoughts would be very welcome,

P.S. Just to say, my first smile today was going into the fun section before posting here. The opening page made me hoot! DONT PRESS HERE and all the jokes.

[Fanta]

Hi Pickle, Welcome to the forums.

I would see your GP and tell him/her your fears and take it from there. Good luck.xxx

[Christine001]

hi and welcome and well done for staying off the booze,agree with growly cat we cant diagnoses and its best to go to the gp,

regardless of diagnosis its about how you feel and how your life is affected and we are here to listen and there is a lot of info here if you search previous posts and maybe you will idenitfy with stuff and find ways forward that suit you

[Pickle59]

Thank you Growly Cat and Christine for your welcome and your thoughts. I do appreciate that any possible diagnosis couldn't be given here.

[imdebbiem]

Hi, I hope you like using this forum! xx

[Barebones]

Welcome pickle

Great job in doing the 12 steps and doing 10yrs, i wish i was the same. I am familiar with AA as i have been myself and did a year.

I have BPD and is an alcoholic.

On the question on what to do now, i guess its up to u? do u feel that u need to be diagnosed? I would myself start by speaking to a doctor and tell him how things are going with u and how its effecting your life. Not sure what else to suggest, as i was diagnosed bpd before i became a alcoholic.

Anyway i wont droan on, but welcome again, i hope u find the forum and people helpfull xx

[Pickle59]

I am nervous of how much more to post and where to post, having now introduced myself. I don't like looking or listening at what state I'm in let alone other people seeing. And of course this always comes back to bite me because eventually the true me comes out and I'm so ashamed of who I truly seem to be, despite my best efforts to try and be balanced, and yes, try to be normal or cope normally. does this make any sense?

[Barebones]

yeah u make sense pickle, i do hope that u could try to work the real u here and work on not being ashamed for who u are hun (((huggles)))

[Pickle59]

Thank you imdebbiem and Barbones for your posts, I think I will enjoy using these forums.

A question? I haven't worked out yet if there is a way to reply to individual posts i.e (immediately following a post i mean). If there is, I haven't worked it out yet, so for now I will just write here what I would like to share with Barbones. I love your pikky! Is it a shitzu or lasso? You made me smile with your droan on comment. I wouldn't and don't see anything you said as droning on, but I think I understand how you feel. I'm nervous about speaking out for fear of being seen to drone on, because I think I'm droning and who wants to really listen to my droning! I like listening to people who are being honest whether perceived as droning or not, so thank you for sharing a little of your stuff. AA, from my own experience has been a life saver. The fellowship and the 12 step programme do work miracles if we are desperate enough and believe me, I was desperate. Of course you will understand this because you have been there. It is not everyones cup of tea though. I wouldn't survive I know without their guidance, HOWEVER,

Alcohol from the very first drink made me feel different and better about myself so I continued to do it for a very long time until it brought me to my knees.

I have met quite a few people who have been diagnosed with mental health issues prior to dealing with alcohol or drug issues. I have not until now though ever really interracted about this other than with relation to alcohol.

I truly don't know whether it will make any difference me knowing or not for sure whether there is something more than just alcoholism wrong with me, but with my head, from what I have read about BPD I identify so much with the traits.

There is no way, whether from pride or nurture that I would have, prior to stopping drinking, wanted to even consider that I had a mental health issue. Is that arrogant or what? Any possible mental health issues were and still are a no no with my family.

BUT, now is different. There must be more answers and solutions out there.

Now this is droning!! :confused02:

[canadian mike]

Pickle, welcome! Don't become too uptight about online testing. If you look at the symptoms for ADD/ADHD you'll notice that there are significant similarities to BPD. I was diagnosed with BPD in 1997, later told by 2 pdocs(psychdoctors) that I was NOT BPD, so who knows. Recently, my niece mentioned to me that she was diagnosed with ADD/ADHD and when I reviewed the symptoms, I was amazed at the similarities. As far as these forums, I've just re-joined after being away for a few years, so I can state that this one is a good one. Take your time and get comfortable with your surroundings. When you want to share, you'll find we care. Oh, yeah, forgive me if I try to make you laugh, I enjoy doing that to people. Again, Welcome! :bum:

[Barebones]

Hi hun, the dog is a lhasa lol

Thanks for saying about me not droaning on, i guess its a insecurity i have that i feel i do. By the way, ur not droaning on either lol.

On how to find new posts, just go above on the page and u will see new content that will give u new posts and answers that has been made since u posted. If u want to follow a post i would go into the button at top which says ur name and go into ur profile and u will find ur posts ect.

Best thing is to look and try and see what comes lol

On u ever considered having mental health prob, no ur not arrogant or what. On ur family being in denial, hell i have that, and really as long as i know and docs know i wouldnt be suffering with this if it wasnt to do with my past.

On AA? yeah they was a life saver for me also, i did well and gave up for a year and i was at a desperate time. At the moment i am starting to see a alcohol CPN to see if they can help me stop. I did try to go back to AA, but my head couldnt handle it and i wasnt ready. Hopfully soon i will go back, as i met alot of nice people.

Myself i think u will make a great adission to the forum, even though i know how hard things are and u havent touched on how they are, you seem to have a insight to urself and is welcome to searching and looking into urself.

Be nice to see you around and post. I do hope that u will get a positive vibe from this place. xx

[Pickle59]

Thank you Mike.x

I love the .

[Pickle59]

Hi again Mike,

I promise not to get too uptight about online testing, but funnily enough, I have a niece who has just recently been diagnosed with BPD. I have been very worried about her, especially because I can see myself in her both now and how she was and is. Alcohol was becoming a big problem with her, and of course from my own experience, I could see a mirror of me, especially with the escaping with booze. Thankfully there seems to be a lot more openness and willingness to seek and ask for help these days and not such a terrible stigma to feeling and behaving unlike what is perceived to be the norm.

thank you for sharing your experience with being diagnosed BPD and then being undiagnosed and rediagnosed. Made me smile

One of the reasons I think I have got into this online quiz thing in a funny sort of way is to see if any possible diagnosis is consistent because I know I am not consistent in my feelings, but so far, I don't seem to have come up with anything other than BPD, however much my feelings fluctuate.

I have of course just looked up a little bit about ADD and ADHD, not a quiz, just information and yes there is a lot of identification there too that I can relate to.

I'm glad you have come back to this forum and thank you for giving reassurance that this is a good one.

I certainly get the feeling it is too.

All of the posts I have read so far, not just in reply I can make so much sense of and there seems to be so much kindness, love and understanding here. I really appreciate that.

[Pickle59]

Hello Barbones, (can I call you BB),

Ah a Lhasso! A cigar or carrot in mouth?

Thank you for your comments and very perceptive ones too.

Theres me thinking I'm sharing masses, but of course when I look I haven't said too much about myself at all. Hopefully I will get there.

I looked at your about me and your poems I can so relate. In fact, my first attempt at step 4, (I know you understand what I mean by this) was on very similar lines. I know I can admit here the shame I felt and feel about looking and feeling such misery but I can truly relate.

Its great that you are looking into help with the drinking if it is still troubling you and causing more probs than it solves. I wish you all the very best with the CPN? (what does that stand for?).

[canadian mike]

Pickle,

Perhaps, I misled you, but I was never re-diagnosed with BPD, although "the glove fits". Because the DSM-lV, the North American version of your icd-9,10(?), is a piece of garbage, labels have been mis-applied to so many. Lack of impulse control and hyper-sensitivity and a bit of self-harm are my most challenging issues. Sadly, mental health issues carry the stigma that they always have in North America. Sure, politicians & professional sports athletes are less reticent to "champion the MH cause of the day", but the same folk don't actually want one of us living in their neighbourhood!

But, I've been through the meds & the Gestalt therapy, I've been the suicide route a few times, and I've worn the label proudly, until it was taken away. Gee, was I ever bitter when that happened! You see, when you get a label like BPD, OCD and severe depression just don't seem very sexy anymore! (Hey! who's been playing with the emoticons while I've been away? At least there's still a couch to hide behind). All I'm saying is; don't pigeon-hole yourself, because the psych-practitioners will do that in spades & there's no sense in leading them down a specific path, let them find that path in the dark.

Regardless, you're no pretender, alcoholism is a symptom of underlying issues, as is any form of substance abuse. Mostly, right now, I just want to say, "Welcome!" and "Best of luck!" :)

[Pickle59]

Hi Mike,

I wasn't clear in my post Mike, sorry about that. I wasn't misled I just forgot to say re diagnosed with something else and not BPD. I do need help finishing my thought processes sometimes, so thank you.

You are absolutely right about not pigeon holing myself alone. That would be unwise and that is where this forum is really helping. If I start off with my GP, though I have a feeling he will be shocked in the first instance if I am truly honest with him, though maybe not, but at least I can express my concerns however much he believes me or not and go from there.

I don't especially want to have anything wrong with me other than what is already up the creek already, but if I go to him again about my ongoing sleep problems and what is now becoming an addiction to the sleeping tablets hes giving me, even though he has warned me about using them, I think he thinks I am more in control than I am, but he sent me away the last time with 56 zopiclone. I want to throw them in the bin but cant. So I really need to speak with him about this. I know it isn't right how I want to use them, cos the more sleep I get the more I want and that isn't right. It is just me escaping. A bit of old habits in a different guise.

And yes you are right indeed, that alcoholism is just but a symptom, but working through my life, doing honest moral inventories looking at my part in things, having faith and a wonderful cat, and trying to make good all the terrible things I did, thought and felt before and in my drinking still hasn't got to the root of the problem or sorted me out I dont think. I hate feeling like this.

[Pickle59]

Hi everyone,

Thank you for helping me feel more confident and safe to share.

I finally bit the bullet, and as quick as I could opened up a little bit, and put it in my about me. Maybe the about me is not the right place for this to be. It is to me so so long so I am putting it here too, as a little (yes little) further introduction to where Ive been and am at now

OK, I am going to try and write something without edit edit edit! I am 52 years of age. I have struggled with life and living from as far back as I can remember and my memories I am ashamed to say are mostly of sadness and misery. There were I'm told lots of nice things from childhood that we did, but I don't remember things this way. I was in hospital a lot as a kid till about 10, and to be honest felt very safe there. I got into music when I was about 11 and there was one particular lady who really believed in me. I never had a chance to thank her for that. Anyway, I remember it was like a light going on in me for the first time. It was like finding my voice and I couldn't be shouted down. There was something I was good at and I was going to hang onto it at all costs. I passed my 11 plus in hospital, everyone was amazed considering my lack of normal schooling and then went to grammar school. I always had terrible fights and conflicts with my peers and to this day seem to still do. Alcohol was also a big attraction to me and the way it made me feel, though I was physically sick a lot of the time but I liked the way it made me feel. There was a big change around of teachers at school and it went comprehensive. I went off the rails, bunked school and lied of course and it was a year before I was caught out. I failed most of my O levels but I got into Music College. I left there with one of the top awards after 5 years of intermittent studying and several kicks up the butt. I proceeded to have a very good career some would say, but over the years fallen out with a lot of people. I had boyfriends up until the age of about 19 (normally much older than me) and then I had my first gay relationship. I’ve mostly been in gay relationships ever since, some long, some short, but not sure whether I'm gay. I had a drunken rebellion about this in my mid twenties and ended up pregnant. I never believed in abortion but until I'd been there, well, there was no way I was going to bring a young life into this world if it was going to feel anything like I did and I didn't think I could get pregnant anyway. Meanwhile, work was abundant and while people invited me to do things I would say yes. They really like me etc etc. But of course, me being me I more than often would take on things and then fail to deliver. But I did deliver exceptionally sometimes, just not consistently. It took a long time to go through the list of people I think I eventually disappointed. I was caught up in a frenzy of abundance in all fields and then eventual melt down. Drink, once I thought my saviour had now become very much my enemy and it was a partner who faced me with my drinking. Must have taken a lot of courage because I was out of control. I knew this of course and was no longer being able to cover it up. Anyway, this is not meant to be a drunkalogue but it was very much self-harming, just slow and torturous. Of course, over this time the light that had gone on in me had now pretty much been stamped out. In all of my relationships, right from early on something snapped in me at the first sign of a partners, a friend or work colleague’s criticism, however slight. I have hurt many people over the years through my overreaction, and this goes on and on and on and of course I end up having driven them away. Anyway, a light came back on when I went into recovery and decided and learnt that I was an alcoholic. I didn't want to be one, but there was no denying it now. Anyway, throughout recovery and ten years on, a lot of my work came back, amazingly. I had my first sober relationship and this is where it has all kicked off for me again. Even though I'm not drinking and practicing a programme, my reactions, my emotions, are all still the same. I try to deal with them differently but despite my best efforts I know I have driven her away. Apparently she is terrified of my anger. This shocked me, because although yes I was angry a couple of times, compared to when I was drinking, where yes I was physically violent (but never lashed out first) I thought I was being very mature and certainly have never laid a hand on anyone since stopping drinking. I have lost someone again who I know cared about me very deeply. Having said all this though, I know the point at which our relationship first changed and it was again when I first shut down after her first criticism toward me, about 9 months into the relationship. I know I shut down (again) both physically and emotionally for a long time. This sort of thing has happened consistently throughout my life. I knew I had overreacted again at the time and a friend of mine mentioned that I might benefit from Primal Integration technique. Well I gave it a go and balled my eyes out all weekend and what came out of it deep down was why didn't my mother love me. (This was not why I went). My mother and I have a very difficult relationship. I have managed to dig myself out of two troughs now with the help of others and I'm hoping that I can again, with help because I know I can't do it alone. Where I'm at now. Work has come back but I don't want to do it, I'm in conflict with pretty much everyone but what has been possibly a revelation is the discovery, in searching to find out why I thought my ex didn't understand me was because I thought (how arrogant) that she might be asperger's, I discovered in my searching’s that maybe I might have BPD, and alcohol was but a symptom and there is nothing not normal about her at all. This is why I am here and thinking about going to my GP. I will just mention quickly that in my teens I had anorexia and bulimia and I eat now only out of necessity. I rang the Samaritans when I was just sixteen because I'd thought of throwing myself under a bus. My first of many different types of counselling at 19, I vowed never to go back to her because she fell asleep!! She was quite old though. I can laugh at this now. I have seen many counsellors since. When the light last went on again was when I could identify so much with the pain of others trying to give up alcohol. I hope the light will go on again soon. I hope not too many of you have fallen asleep here. Thanks for reading.

:grouphug[1]:

[Pickle59]

I'm going to have a bath now, clean myself up at least on the outside as I feel very dirty.

I hope you understand what I mean.

Must try and do something to help somebody else if I can.

Catch you laters. :glasses02:

[Eagleheart]

Hiya. Please don't get offended-I'm not criticising-but don't be too eager to put a label on yourself. I'm only saying this because since being "labelled" BPD 7 months ago,I have had a nasty breakdown because I don't want to accept that i am BPD. I've read up a lot about it and when i read descriptions of BPD behaviours and beliefs,i feel utterly repelled by it. I'm not being snobby,i've known i'm a fuck-up for a long time,but the BPD label has crushed me. When you read about the condition there are no good points,no cute quirks. All i feel is inadequate and dysfunctional now where before diagnosis,i just thought i was troubled. I don't see ME anymore. Just the bloody label. I wish i hadn't been diagnosed because now i'm in a constant battle to keep hold of the me that i feel is lost. Sorry. It's 2am and i'm very sleep-deprived. Been on 2 different sleeping pils and they don't help. I still only manage 2-3 hrs

[canadian mike]

Eagleheart,

I don't know about you, but when I was first diagnosed with BPD it scared the hell out of me. It was as if someone had stamped "Certified" on my forehead. As I began to educate myself about the illness, I was shocked at how negative the descriptions were, as you say, "no good points, no cute quirks". It took me a few days to realize that BPD is a spectrum disease, and months to accept that I could be lumped-in with some of the characters at the "blackest end" of the spectrum. Long before that label was taken from me, I had accepted that I WAS NOT MY DISEASE, and, as importantly, that someone at that blackest end was no more deserving of their affliction than I was of mine. To be honest, I'd like to see the name of the condition changed to something that seems less threatening to the uninformed, perhaps, fractured-self(FPD) or shattered-self(SPD). The former suggestion might allow the afflicted some small amusement with the uninitiated when they ask what FPD stands for. ;)

[Pickle59]

Hello Eagleheart and Good morning to you.x

Please forgive me if I go on a bit, think coming on these forums has given me a bit of verbal diarrhea

I thank you for your kind and thoughtful words and I don't in the least feel criticized or offended. I appreciate your honesty, and I have some understanding of what you mean.

I didn't in any way want the label of being an alcoholic, which is why I stayed away from getting help for so long. My first year or so after knowing for sure was hell, in my head mostly and I went right downhill.

What's more to the point is that most of my family and my friends didn't want me to be an alcoholic either. That was even more hell.That was probably the biggest battle and the shame of everyone thinking I was a loser to deal with.

I would imagine that you might have and do have very similar's.

But in the end, as I have shared here somewhere before, I was brought to my knees and I went to the one place where I didn't want to go, but in the end it truly has been a savior to find out more of who I truly am to be amongst people (when I'm not out in the big wider world) who truly understand me and know where I am coming from and who have solutions, not cure, of how to try to lead a less troubling life with all our troubled baggage.

I feel there are the same savior qualities here too, diagnosed or wondering' s about WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME

Life and me did get considerably better though, even with me in it, once I had accepted all the things I didn't like about me (everything) and learn't to accept and try and learn to be kind to myself and others.

You've been very kind to me here and I treasure that.

I'm really sad to hear that you feel you have gone right downhill since your diagnosis, but try to see your diagnosis as a positive, because by knowing a lot more about ourselves and how we tick is part of the solution to finding a way forward. those are my thoughts and experience anyhow.

I saw a video here I think about BPD which at the very end, and yes you have to watch it to the very end that does actually eventually mention some good things. Kindness, we are brilliant with babies, (though for me, only when they are not crying lol) and there was something else too. I will try and find it again.

I will go to the GP though and at least have a chat, bearing in mind what you have shared with me here.

Thank you for posting back to me,

We are not bad people, just sick people trying to get well and you sound like a fabulous kind person.

:grouphug[1]:

[Eagleheart]

Hello Pickles. I'm glad you responded to my post coz i was really worried i might have made a mess of trying to put my point across. I really like the fact that you are strong enough to confront major issues and accept yourself,flaws and all. For me it is a massive struggle.My self-hatred is deep rooted and quite unshakeable right now. I am caught in a spiral of self-abuse. I've messed up my arms self-harming,i deny myself food as a form of punishment-i don't deserve to be nourished-i am basically self-harming EVERY DAY. I have issues with being labelled in any way due to a lifetime of being judged purely on my size.Yes,i'm a "big girl" as they say and that's all it takes to be labelled as a fat,greedy slob. I'm just a bit over-sensitive about being defined by a word or phrase. My mother and sister have been appaling to me and i don't trust people. Hope i'm not being too heavy. xxx

[Eagleheart]

Canadian Mike, it was great reading your post coz it seems like you totally get what i mean. Like i was saying to pickles, i have a major problem with labels. They are tossed about so thoughtlessly and can be really damaging to the one being labelled. I get real bad reactions if i say i have "mental health problems". People can't hide their horror. Don't stand too close or you may catch it off her!!! Oh really,you stupid person. Am i gonna catch your dose of crabs if i stand next to you in the bus queue? Get real world! I'm just a bit screwy! Calm down!

[Pickle59]

Eagleheart,

You're not being heavy at all, so please don't worry yourself about this. I understand and appreciate that you have trust issues, not the least with your family. I hope that you can feel safe enough here for you to spill out/share all you need and it will most definitely be a big help to you and for others here, though it may not feel like it at the time.

Worse things happen if we don't get it out, it just gets buried deep inside and then we get even more depressed, self loathing and we can implode badly and that's really unhealthy and that's when the self destruct button and all its consequences can really explode, so please let it out here in a safe environment'

Just before I go to bed, will you think of me tomorrow?

Got the GP appointment first thing. No idea how it will go, so please think of me and I will take with me too all the pros and cons of what you and others have shared about the wisdom of getting a diagnosis at all, so wish me luck.x

I think he might well take one look at me and laugh and wonder on earth I'm talking about.

Hope you are all having a peaceful nights rest.

[Pickle59]

Hi everyone,

I'm not sure whether I should keep posting here or start a new topic. Some advice about this would be great, thanks.

I've been to my Gp.

Outcome of visit.

He didn't laugh, he listened.

He is going to refer me to a psychiatrist first and depending on what comes from that, some form of counseling.

This is the very least I could have hoped for and what's more, this time I didn't run out of the door before going in it, as I have done many times before, or gone through the door and talked about something completely different.

I hope I've done the right thing.

Feel a tiny bit down.x :crying: