Hello

[ElleT]

I have two replies, one to Pickle, and the other to Eagleheart. I will write the reply to Pickle first cause it's her thread.

First off, hi, I'm very new here just joined a couple days ago after a drug scare. I'm not sure what I have, the doc who diagnosed me didn't give me a label, which in a way was very nice. My main problem is an inability to cope with normal life things (who doesn't?). I think it's great that you talked to your GP. Something that I've noticed is self-sabatoge is a very common thing in those of us who don't like what we see in the mirror. The biggest bit of advice I can give you, is don't settle. If you don't like the for shrink you see, find someone you do like. You don't have to see someone just because your doctor or insurance referred you to them. If you don't like them it can do more harm than good. So don't ever settle on a doctor just because you think you have to, it's never good to settle.

To Eagelheart, labels suck, a lot. But occasionally they can help us. From what I know about disease (mental and physical) just because you have something doesn't mean you are everything that is that disease. My meaning is, while you have BPD, you probably don't have all the symptoms. I think a lot of people who are diagnosed with BPD are just diagnosed because the doctors don't know where else to put us, when all the label means is the best form of treatment is behavioral therapy. I'm going to go into my personal experience because I see a lot of me in what you are describing. My doctor didn't give me one label, he gave me two. with the clarification that I'm not totally either. He said "you have some symptoms of bi polar disorder, and some symptoms of borderline personality disorder, but you don't have everything of both to truly have both." He then went on to tell me what my main problem with life is, not what my label is, I can't cope with normal life things. Like holding down a job, going to class, getting my meds refiled, keeping appointments, dealing with people I don't like. Sounds pretty simple and silly huh? But I appreciated it, a lot, because it meant that I had an idea of why I acted the way I did, so I could fix it. A great thing about BPD is that it's fixable. So many other mental illnesses you can't cure, you can manage them with drugs and therapy and you are basically stuck with this fear of it getting bad until the day you die. BPD, is something that you can fix, something that you can get rid of. (This is just my understanding so please if I am wrong someone tell me.) When my doc told me all this, I was so relieved because I FINALLY had a name to the face. I had something I could focus on and work to fix, because before, I didn't really know why I did the things I did, and then to have this Doctor come along and tell me, "hey, it's okay, it's not your fault" was such a weight off my shoulders. Up until that point, I had felt totally lost and unable to pull myself out of this hole I had dug myself in. Now I actually feel like I have a chance to fix this thing. Granted, I am in a good phase right now, so if I swing back down into my dark hole my ideas on all this may totally change. But right now, I have hope, that someday I won't hate myself. That I won't have the desire to take knives to my body, or starve myself or hate my existence. I hope that some of this made at least a little bit of sense, because I know at least a tiny bit of what you are feeling.

[Eagleheart]

Hello ElleT and welcome to the site. Thanx for sharing so much with me. It's always reassuring to hear from others who have an understanding of where my head's at. I know what you're saying about how labels can sometimes be a good thing because knowledge gives you power over things and that puts control back in your hands but it's just that i already have a bunch of labels pinned on me by the numerous psychs i've been passed between. It all started in '85 after a trauma in my life A lot of real horrible things have happened since then until i now find myself with my latest label. That's all shrinks seem to do for me. Ask a few questions ( always crammed into a 20 min session ), pin a label on me then chuck drugs at me and boot me out the door. I FEEL INVISIBLE. They don't see ME, just a list of syndromes and dysfunctions. The mental health services in my area are truly appaling. No therapy available,no counselling,no support, just drugs. And the drugs don't bloody work. At best,they make me apathetic. That is my experience. Seeing the psych tomorrow actually. Bloody dreading it...

[Pickle59]

Hello Elle,

Thank you ever so for your reply. lots to think about here and Welcome.

I'm really pleased to see your comment about GP visit.

I'm chopping and churning in my head '' Something that I've noticed is self-sabotage is a very common thing in those of us who don't like what we see in the mirror''

My immediate reaction to this was BUT I don't mind some of the bits I SEE in the mirror, it's other people who often don't like what they see or who I am and let me know it and then, BANG, I immediately feel crushed. Then I try to restore faith somehow, and bang wallop it goes again.

What I FEEL is different though, I don't like a lot of the things I feel., and yes, do want to run away from them or try to make them go away somehow, Does this make any sense? Maybe we are saying the same thing. Not sure.

Also thinking about ''never settle'' and your thoughts here.

Again my immediate reaction to this was, that say, for instance, I saw someone and, for whatever reason I didn't like what they were saying or suggesting, should I move on? even if they might be right but I dont like it! OR is not settling for anything less than acknowledgment and validation of how I feel and who I am. Validation being the key thing here for me, I think, that it is ok to be me, even if is different from the norm or expected. Maybe if there was more postitve validation and unconditional acceptance and love of who we are then we wouldn't feel such compelling needs to self sabotage?

I don't like labels and thats the bit I'm not looking forward too much to with this journey. I like the sound of your GP.

Wouldn't it be just so lovely to be reassured that who you are is ok, and there is absolutely no reason to have to change yourself just to make you fit with how other people think you should be?

[greenthing]

hi pickle - great to see you here. i only found this place yesterday but it feels like home already.

i agree with the others - be cautious about online tests - i've done most of them and they diagnose me with almost everything! i also agree with the others about seeing your GP, but be prepared for things to take a while - the mental health services seem to work at glacial speed.

i refused for 40 years to accept that i had a mental illness, and was then variously diagnosed over a period of about 5 years with depression, anxiety, ptsd, complex ptsd, being a nuisance, bpd...

[Pickle59]

Hi greenthing,

a huge hello to you and thank you for your post.

I take your point along with several people about being cautious about online tests.

I only used them initially for fun and learning but I was starting to learn more than i bargained for, ESPECIALLY as they seemed to always echo pretty exactly how I was and am feeling.

I know now it was the right thing to go and see my GP, because you see, me being me as I feel now isn't new to me. Ive tried to deal with it over many years in many different ways but I seem to have come to an impasse. My tricks and bits that I have learn't and tried to apply over the many years don't seem to be working any more or at the moment and I have been in a pretty bad state. The last couple of days all I have done is sob.

Like you, for about the same length of time I absolutely refused to go to my doctor about possible mental health issues, but with everything that has kicked off over this last year or so........ in asking for professional help, with few other options left, I hope there will not be too much dilly dallying on the way, and thank you for warning me about it could be slow.

Was sad to come back last night to the news of Icubaby not making it. Was a bit of a shock. Talking about it and wanting it and doing it are very different. To hear this news was very jolting, sad and shocking and frightening and very real!

Thanks again greenthing for your post.x

[ElleT]

Hello ElleT and welcome to the site. Thanx for sharing so much with me. It's always reassuring to hear from others who have an understanding of where my head's at. I know what you're saying about how labels can sometimes be a good thing because knowledge gives you power over things and that puts control back in your hands but it's just that i already have a bunch of labels pinned on me by the numerous psychs i've been passed between. It all started in '85 after a trauma in my life A lot of real horrible things have happened since then until i now find myself with my latest label. That's all shrinks seem to do for me. Ask a few questions ( always crammed into a 20 min session ), pin a label on me then chuck drugs at me and boot me out the door. I FEEL INVISIBLE. They don't see ME, just a list of syndromes and dysfunctions. The mental health services in my area are truly appaling. No therapy available,no counselling,no support, just drugs. And the drugs don't bloody work. At best,they make me apathetic. That is my experience. Seeing the psych tomorrow actually. Bloody dreading it...

Eagleheart, I am so so sorry that you feel invisible. I have only felt that way once, and I ended up reporting to doctor to the state board because of how unethical and downright illegal he was treating me. That one experience was my wake up call to stop settling for doctors because it only makes matters worse. I agree with you, the 'labels' you have been given suck, and in my opinion aren't true. Or they shouldn't be. Unfortunately a lot of mental health is that way, slap on a label and throw drugs at it and hope it goes away. I really wish I had any advice to give you, but the only thing I can think of is find a Doctor of Osteopathy, I have no idea how prevalent they are in the UK, they are making a rise here. They are wonderful doctors who look at the whole picture and see the person, NOT the symptoms. If you can't find that, well then you have people here who will see you and not whatever 'disease' you have. Honestly I probably won't remember what everyone's label is on here, the only label I will remember are the ones we give ourselves, specifically our screen names lol. So I hope that you find a doctor who see's you and not your labels, but in the meantime, I promise to see you as a whole person and not any one of your 'issues' (as I usually call them)

[ElleT]

Hello Elle,

Thank you ever so for your reply. lots to think about here and Welcome.

I'm really pleased to see your comment about GP visit.

I'm chopping and churning in my head '' Something that I've noticed is self-sabotage is a very common thing in those of us who don't like what we see in the mirror''

My immediate reaction to this was BUT I don't mind some of the bits I SEE in the mirror, it's other people who often don't like what they see or who I am and let me know it and then, BANG, I immediately feel crushed. Then I try to restore faith somehow, and bang wallop it goes again.

What I FEEL is different though, I don't like a lot of the things I feel., and yes, do want to run away from them or try to make them go away somehow, Does this make any sense? Maybe we are saying the same thing. Not sure.

Also thinking about ''never settle'' and your thoughts here.

Again my immediate reaction to this was, that say, for instance, I saw someone and, for whatever reason I didn't like what they were saying or suggesting, should I move on? even if they might be right but I dont like it! OR is not settling for anything less than acknowledgment and validation of how I feel and who I am. Validation being the key thing here for me, I think, that it is ok to be me, even if is different from the norm or expected. Maybe if there was more postitve validation and unconditional acceptance and love of who we are then we wouldn't feel such compelling needs to self sabotage?

I don't like labels and thats the bit I'm not looking forward too much to with this journey. I like the sound of your GP.

Wouldn't it be just so lovely to be reassured that who you are is ok, and there is absolutely no reason to have to change yourself just to make you fit with how other people think you should be?

I should have clarified, we do mean the same thing. I'm not talking about physical appearance, but what we see with our souls? If that makes any sense. I sometimes come off as this weird out there hippy spiritual person and I'm not, in any sense of the word.

As for never settling, I don't mean if you don't like a comment they made about you you should run UNLESS that comment isn't true. It's a very very fine line, but if a doc makes a bad impression on the FIRST appointment, there is not telling that it will get any better. Sadly this can happen a lot, but really it's just being able to listen to your gut, "Does this person creep me out?" "Do I trust their opinion?" "Do I feel safe?" those are the big questions that have to be answered in the first appointment. And do they LISTEN! That's a big thing, if they aren't listening to you, they can't help you, AT. ALL. (Sorry for the caps but italics are far too time consuming ) As long as you can answer those questions and still feel like they can help you, you aren't settling. That doesn't mean that they won't screw it up n the future, but hey it's a start

It would be nice to believe that I don't have to change to fit in, but I also realize that for me, I have to change for myself. I don't feel like I owe anyone anything, but I do owe myself the chance to feel good about myself. To see a degree hanging on my wall, to know that I don't have to lean on my parents to financial support, to be proud of what I accomplished. And to not feel so damn sad all the time. I honestly hate the way I feel most of the time, and I hate the way I feel about myself. There are a lot fo quirks about me that I have accepted and that I love. As for those, I tell the rest of the world to buzz off, if they don't like it they don't have to hang around me. The people that matter love and accept me for who I am. Part of me wants to get better for them too, and that's how I look at it for me, getting better. Because feeling this way all the time is exhausting and I'd love to be using that energy to do something to be proud of, because up till now, I don't feel like I've done much. The crazy thing is, I know that I have, people point it out to me all the time, but I don't feel proud of those things because the way my brain works won't let me be proud of those things.

[Pickle59]

Thank you Elle,

I get what you are saying. I will also think of everything you have said when that first appointment comes re settling or not and try to go with my gut and not my washing machine head.

Re change.

Yes of course you are right here too, and you do owe it to yourself the chance to feel good about yourself and if change is necessary and essential to getting somewhere near to feeling good, then so it has to be.

I understand where you are coming from me feels,

I constantly review my thoughts and try to replace negative with positive wherever i can.

I watch my behaviour and try to do better always,

I try to connect with nature and have more faith.

These things I must do, whether I like it or not.

All these things are change for me and that is good.

What i haven't been able to change even though I have tried and tried is the way I feel deep deep down,

I need help with this, and I know yourself and people here in this forum understand this.

[Pickle59]

Hi there,

I know what the trigger is for where I am at right at this moment, maybe I should start a new topic on this.

what do you think?