Hello

[End*Of*The*Road]

hello everyone

I am so thank ful to find this site as i feel i have no where else to hide or no other mask to wear

Embarresed to say that i am now a 36 year old woman still batteling with this binge eating/purging disorder.

It all began 14 yers ago when i joined a weight loss club and lost 5 stone. for the first time in my life i was slim and loved it. But thats where it all went down the pan.

The pressure of counting food became obsessive and if ever i went over my 'allowed' calories/food intake for the day i would binge feeling like 'well i have blown it now' then feel guilty and purge. And so the cycle began.

14 years on and i have just threw in the towel with this slimming club. I must have started again about 28 times in those 14 years as everytime is seems to have got harder and fed my binge eating disorder. Its always fine for a few weeks. i also get married this july and have started the gym. In total i have nearly lost 2 stone but am obsessed with weighing myself which determines my mood for the day. I weighed myself friday and have done nothing but binge and have gained 5 lbs. Im so desperate to stop this. I have bought some cognative therapy books which seem to work if i follow the plan but binging and starting 'a fresh' tomorrow always seems to win.

i am hoping that joining a site like this will help me. I bucked up the courage after 14 years to go and see my G.P and tell them. I ended up walking out with Fluxotine and was told that it was depresseion making me over eat when i know its the other way round, that its the binge eating making me depressed. i have been on the fluxotine for about 6 months and am still bingeing. Its physically geting harder now as i feel my gaging reflex isnt as sensitive any more and i have to really concentrate. I hate this. My partner knows about it and really understands me and has tried to help but when it comes down to it i still do it in secret.

I am determined to do this. The longest i have gone without bingeing is 5 days. i sit here full to the brim in tears as i cant live like this any more. I dont want to wake up thinking about food and go to bed thinking about food i want to be mindful of what matters in my life and thats to live each day happy. I aim to read all of your advice and use your advice for inspiration.

For me i cant hide anymore. its time that the hard work really begins. xxx

[bpdgirl]

Hi there

It's great you've found this site. I find it be very supportive indeed.

My personal experiences of ED are overeating during teenagehood (which I believe to be a comfort thing and owing to depression) but mainly on the under eating side of things - skipping meals, experiencing the rush associated with weight loss. I'm fluctuating between the two at the moment as a result of my moods. I have no idea what it feels like to purge and make yourself sick when feeling this way. It must be absolutely awful and I am so glad you sought help from your GP. Saying that, I'm surprised they didn't advice you more on support groups and seeing a counsellor.

I also agree that it doesn't necessarily have to be due to depression feeling that way. However, saying that, it will no doubt be having an affect on your mental health - relationship to yourself and others, so I can't understand why the Dr would say it was a result of depression, when I would say that as a result of having this (for whatever reason) you will express depressive symptoms - although, seemingly at a mild level at this stage, which is good - really good. Sometimes these dangerous addictions can be due to anxiety and this need for perfection. I would say that an assessment would be beneficial as it would allow for you to gain further support with someone who has more understanding of the situation. I see you've already bought books on CBT. I think that's really great given your motivation levels no doubt being very low at the moment and not really having much support other than your partner (now husband?) who you don't really feel understands.

I think you need to see a trained CBT specialist and explain that you've tried to do this alone but find yourself stuck in a rut, that you've also seen the GP and aren't receiving the support there. You're clearly taking the right steps, I just wish for your sake someone would help you further along the way and this horrible illness would go away full stop.

Best of luck and welcome to the site x

[End*Of*The*Road]

thank you for your reply

I am using this site as my last chance saloon if you like. I know what it is i have to do and i know its going to be tough but i am determined. If after one month i am not seeing any improvements i will go and see another G.P and ask to be referd. however, i have logged my feelings and food linked to cognative behaviour therapy and i know my triggers and have idenified ways i can distract myself and help myself. My partner said somthing to me that has made me think differently. I stoped smoking nearly two years ago after smoking 20 cigarettes a day for 20 years and i did that all by myself. it was the hardest thing i ever did. My partenr advised me to see the urge to binge like a cigarette craving and that one day it will disappear. like now, if i was to have a cigarette i honeslty couldnt smoke it! I hate the smell. Thats what i am hoping will happen to my binge eating. One day someone will say to me, go and binge and purge and it will be ailen to me! Although, i know i have got such a long way to go! But i will do this! xxx

[natfredricks]

Love!

[greenthing]

(((hugs)))

my heart goes out to you. I'm a 53 year old and still when things get bad, eating is about the only thing I can control....

[canadian mike]

Welcome to the forums & congratulations on your upcoming nuptials!

[End*Of*The*Road]

thanks for all of your support. xxxx