sheeba88 Posted April 21, 2012 Report Share Posted April 21, 2012 My partner just said this to me. We had a massive row, I asked him a question about our sex life - and he answered honestly - and I reacted badly to it, I got defensive and felt perhaps a little criticised so I didn't react well. He said how exactly can he talk to me when everytime he answers something honeslty I kick off, he doesn't feel he can open up to me anymore about anything. He feels like he walks on eggshells around me waiting for something to upset/anger me. Why the fuck am I like this? I love him so much yet all I seem to do is make him hate me a little bit more every single day. One day very soon he's going to realise he hates me completely and ask me to leave. I can feel it coming but I can't seem to do anything about it. When I think things are going ok I seem to mess things up again. I can't seem to help myself. I hate myself so much right now. Why am I like this? Why can't it just go away? Why can't I just be normal? It's times like this that I feel like there's no point in living, when I know that probably for the rest of my life the same cycle is going to happen - I'm going to frustrate/upset/anger people so much that they will end up hating me. My mother was right not to want me in her life. I wouldn't want me and it's only a matter of time before Matt doesn't either. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shadow girl Posted April 21, 2012 Report Share Posted April 21, 2012 Hi there, Sorry it's so tricky for you. Haven't any advice I'm afraid. My hubby says that too and i don't know how to deal with it. Sending you big hugs. xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Abster Posted April 21, 2012 Report Share Posted April 21, 2012 Hugs. I do exactly the same and wish I knew how to stop doing it. Guess I just wanted you to know you're not alone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abstract312 Posted April 21, 2012 Report Share Posted April 21, 2012 In my opinion, your problem is directly related to the lack of self-confidence. You react so angrily because it seems to you that you can't handle your emotions, and it seems to you that you can't handle your emtions because of insecurity. It is a cycle where one thing triggers another, but building and boosting one's self-confidence can be a rewarding project, you just have to be aware that it demands hard work and determination. I think that being confident means believing in your intrinsic values and cherishing them regardless of what happens in the external world, and having strength to forgive oneself. Whatever you said that you think was aggressive and had such an impact on your boyfriend isn't the reason to hate yourself, it is only a mistake that you can learn from. Basically, if you boost your confidence you won't react so angrily to your boyfriend's words because you will genuinely believe that you have qualities which make you a person worth of respect, and that whatever he says doesn't define you as a person. You will know who you are, and while you should definitely respect his opinion, you won't see the need to feel threatened by what he says which is how you are currently feeling which in turn triggers your aggressiveness. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
greenthing Posted April 21, 2012 Report Share Posted April 21, 2012 (((((hugs))))) difficult place to be - i know... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sheeba88 Posted April 21, 2012 Author Report Share Posted April 21, 2012 Thank you for all of your replies. I don't feel so alone with this anymore. Though it's not a nice situation to be in, I'm very sorry that you guys seem to be too. I wish I could magic all of our hurt away and get rid of it all. Absolute423 I think you are right that it is a direct link to my self confidence (or lack of.) I don't like myself very much and everytime anyone says anything about me my head instantly tries to spin it into a negative comment. If my partner so much as looks at me in a way I can't quite decipher what he's thinking, I'll assume he's picking faults with me. If my partner is stroking me and his hand lingers for too long somewhere - I instantly think there is something wrong with me. So when today he answered my question about our sex life I got defensive, I felt insecure about the fact he thinks our sex is always serious, that we don't have fun sex too. I guess I took it as a criticism, as if I wasn't good enough, as if it were all my fault and that there is something wrong with me to be like that. But I don't know how else to be, or how to change that really. You say it takes hard work and determination, but where do I even start? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
imdebbiem Posted April 21, 2012 Report Share Posted April 21, 2012 You know what my partner said the same thing to me tonight when I confronted him about something...It reminded me instantly of the book 'stop walking on eggshells' (about bpd)...it made me feel awful. I hope he understands you don't mean to make him feel that way and you can together talk about things which are bothering you both when you have both had time to chill and reflect. xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sheeba88 Posted April 22, 2012 Author Report Share Posted April 22, 2012 I think I might buy him that book - is it any good? Have any of you read it? We didn't talk last night, he went straight to the pub and didn't get in until 12.30am when I were already in bed. I was quite surprised he actually got into the same bed and put his arm around me. This morning he wasn't so cuddley in bed, and is hardly talking to me. So I wrote him a letter in our book and left it on the bedside cabinet for him. I don't know if it'll help or not, but it was explaining why I react/get defensive about things, that I'm really insecure and apologising for twisting things around or making him feel bad. I wonder if today will bring more arguments and tears or whether we will be ok. Our relationship is so up and down. My leg is so sore. If we are ok with one another I'm going to have to find a way to hide my leg or else we will argue over that. It's like a battlefield sometimes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
imdebbiem Posted April 22, 2012 Report Share Posted April 22, 2012 http://www.amazon.co.uk/Stop-Walking-Eggshells-Borderline-Personality/dp/1572246901/ref=sr_1_4?ie=UTF8&qid=1335091233&sr=8-4 I thought it was quite a good book on BPD. I was put off by the title but am glad I read it. I am glad you have wrote him a letter I hope it helps him to understand you better. xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sheeba88 Posted April 22, 2012 Author Report Share Posted April 22, 2012 The letter didn't help much. We're barely talking to each other now. Little things make him fly into a rage - he put something on the telly in the living room and had my laptop on his lap too, and I wanted to either change the telly or have my laptop, so I asked him to choose one thing or the other, and he got stressy and said I'm always busting his balls about something. He seems to hate me when he gets like this. So I went and had a bath, when I came out I made a cup of tea and asked him if he'd like one, which he replied "yeah" so I corrected him with "yes please" (it doesn't hurt to have manners!!) and he got angry again and said "I said yeah didn't I!" Since then we've barely spoken. I suggested couples counselling - but he said he wasn't willing to try that. But he has no other suggestion as to help our situation. So here we are, not talking. This is horrible. :( Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tan19 Posted April 24, 2012 Report Share Posted April 24, 2012 I completely understand how you feel, when i was reading your post it felt as if i had written it. I wish i could give you all the answers but i dont even know them myself. I am going through the exact same thing with my partner. I always mess up, and i feel like its only a matter of time before he leaves me. And the thing is i think i deserve that. But back to you, i can only say that i know how hard it is. To try and cope with bpd as well as keeping a relationship together. But you are worthy of being loved, your not a bad person at all. Its hard but every time you end up having an argument, just try to not dwell on it and panic. Understand that your partner has the right to be upset and there isn't really a time limit on how long that will be for. Trust me i know it hurts when they act distant because it feels as if this is the final straw and that they have had enough forever. But the fact he came home and still got into bed with you is a massive step in a good direction! He could of slept on the couch, but he wanted to be near you. Hes still around you and despite the bpd hes stuck around. If hes still not talking to you all you can do is try and remain calm, dont make the mistakes i do and start to question to him etc Hes just taking some time to calm down, he doesn't hate you. I promise. I hope things are better now though as i can see you posted this a while ago. But i understand you completely, and i hope things work out. Just hang in there x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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