I Don't Know What I Want Anymore

[bpdgirl]

I'm making all these decisions which I'm certain of, but the next day or week I feel the opposite. This is affecting my treatment as I'm contemplating discharge, but on other days dependent on the support. My plans for the future are hindered because of job rejections and I just feel like all this chaos is coming back to the S word. I've been having a lot panic attacks and last night when asleep had that horrible falling sensation. This was worse than anything in the past. I visualized myself falling and then felt the aftermath where I jolted when lying down. It was awful. I've also been feeling angry too. I can't see a way out of my present situation. In a way, it's like something else is controlling me telling me it's time to go because I am so tired to carry on. I think that's what these dreams have been about. I feel that the support is coming at the wrong time - well, part of it was already there but it's me who delayed reaching out. x

[Shadow girl]

Hi there,

could you tell someone who supports you what you have put here. The confusion and fears do make sense - if they know perhaps they can help you plan to manage the way you manage your swings. I don't mean that in a know it all sort of way, it's because I've got myself in a bit of a situation at the moment having taken steps to chnge my whole life and career path while I was a bit high. I wish I had done what I'm suggesting.

Hope you feel calmer and more settled soon. xx

[bpdgirl]

Hi,

Thanks ShadowGirl I'm a bit unstable at the moment so not sure how things will go. I just feel too tired to keep on reaching out/explaining everything. x

[sheeba88]

Hi Bpdgirl,

I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling confused and not knowing what to do. I am the exact same to be honest at the moment. My job ends in a weeks time and I did have another job to go to but turned it down because I didn't think it was right for me at this present moment in time. So now I'm not sure where to live / what job to do / whether to apply for a working visa or what. It's hard! One minute I decide one thing but then the next day I change my mind, so no decisions really get made.

One thing that has helped me a bit is a pro's and con's list. I wrote down each of my options and wrote down the pro's and con's of each option. Then from there point score each pro or con on the list and see which one has the most points in the pros collumn. Seeing it set out on paper in front of your face really puts things into perspective and it's a useful therapeutic exercise that made me feel in control of my life/decision-making.

So yeah I'd advise giving that a go.

Best of luck.

[bpdgirl]

Hi Sheeba

Thanks

Just feel like I'm doing everything and trying to be in control and it's still not working. Job wise...well, that's always going to be unpredictable. My moods are so erratic that I just can't make sound decisions and feel like everything is beyond my control. x

[cj_89]

I understand what you mean about decisions making then the next week they seem hopeless or pointless.

Everyone has their different methods - one that works for me and may be worth trying is just using logic.

When you're making these decisions, you're in a good frame of mind. Write them down, write down what these decisions will accomplish, why you want to take them. When you're doubting them or yourself read it back. Doesn't always make you feel better but it keeps you on track. Also guided meditation helps a lot. For me anyway, like I say it's not for everyone but worth a shot right :)