Eagleheart Posted April 26, 2012 Report Share Posted April 26, 2012 I am blessed (or cursed) with the gift of being a good listener. Over the years,it has got me into situations that have ultimately been harmful to me. The other person involved has felt much better,but i've been left sucked dry,emptied of all energy and feeling hollow. It's not everyone who makes me feel this way. Just certain people who have no intention of returning the favour by being there for me if i need. Every time i meet them,it's all about them. My dreadful mother is by far the worst culprit. I have had to distance myself from her in recent months because she was treating me so badly. But there have been quite a few others who have used me. Abused my kind nature. I sometimes wonder if there is something about me that attracts leeches. I can honestly say that all you amazing people here are the only ones who show huge amounts of compassion and human kindness to me. I actually purposely avoid getting friendly with people these days because i've had too many leeches taking taking taking and never giving anything back.Does anyone else know what i mean? x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Villan Posted April 26, 2012 Report Share Posted April 26, 2012 o hell yes - i am co-dependent by nature - in recovery just now though... sorry you suffer too xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eagleheart Posted April 26, 2012 Author Report Share Posted April 26, 2012 Oh Villan,i'm so relieved to get a reply. After i posted this,i started thinking maybe it was just me being weird. To know that you understand is hugely comforting. Thanx for responding. xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Villan Posted April 26, 2012 Report Share Posted April 26, 2012 not weird at all hun... quite common in fact, sadly but not really recognised much here by the medical profession as a mh disorder/illness in its own right... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fanta Posted April 26, 2012 Report Share Posted April 26, 2012 ((((Eagle)))) I relate so much hun, I give out so much and I have been hurt so much, I often wonder if I try too hard you know? My family are a fine example they just care about themselves, Here though I have been given so much support.xxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eagleheart Posted April 26, 2012 Author Report Share Posted April 26, 2012 I just don't understand what it is in people that makes them feel they have a right to abuse kind souls. It seems that "niceness" is viewed as a weakness that can be taken advantage of and that is so very tragic. xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pickle59 Posted April 26, 2012 Report Share Posted April 26, 2012 It is a wonderful gift Eagleheart to be a good listener.xxxxx As you say though, you need to be listened to, too. Sometimes the people we listen to, though we would like them to listen to us,give something back, but are not the listening kind. Frustrating! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fanta Posted April 26, 2012 Report Share Posted April 26, 2012 I just don't understand what it is in people that makes them feel they have a right to abuse kind souls. It seems that "niceness" is viewed as a weakness that can be taken advantage of and that is so very tragic. xxx I agree and this makes me angry, Are we related by any chance? LOL, We seem to have the same opinion. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Villan Posted April 26, 2012 Report Share Posted April 26, 2012 do you know about boundaries hun? setting them with people letting them know exactly how much you will give and then enforcing them... not an easy thing to master, but a neat trick when you can :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bena.baby Posted April 26, 2012 Report Share Posted April 26, 2012 I don't know if you can do kind things and expect something back. Some people just don't particularly want to be nice. If you find that to be the case, and you can't deal with them not listening to you back/being nice back, I'd just ditch them. At some point, kindness tends to cross a line and become something like neediness - I know because I've crossed that line a million times myself. Most of the time when I do nice things, it's because I want people to be nice back - that's just how society works I think. I don't think these people are necessarily bad people or leeches. I just think that they are looking out for themselves, which is really what most people do, or should be doing. If you are always putting people first, you need to start respecting yourself enough to not do that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eagleheart Posted April 26, 2012 Author Report Share Posted April 26, 2012 Growlycat You and i are kindred spirits.Totally. Villan I have never ever been able to stick up for myself and demand respect. As a consequence,my hubby tells me i make it very easy for him and others to treat me like a doormat. And that comes from someone who claims to love me. I've been a punchbag for so long that i just stay down these days. No energy left to defend myself. It's bloody tragic. Esme I like the fact that you speak your mind. It's challenging and refreshing. Cheers. xxx p.s Esme,like the Tori Amos quote. It's always resonated with me! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bena.baby Posted April 26, 2012 Report Share Posted April 26, 2012 Ugh forget it, sick of this place atm Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miss Inbetween Posted April 26, 2012 Report Share Posted April 26, 2012 I think these types of people are often in a lot of pain and only able to look at themselves. You like to help, listen, give yourself emotionally to help. Trouble is we can only help ourselves and there is an issue about wanting to rescue people? We have to be selfish sometimes to survive I don't think that makes any 1 an uncaring person. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miss Inbetween Posted April 26, 2012 Report Share Posted April 26, 2012 quote deleted Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AmyP Posted April 26, 2012 Report Share Posted April 26, 2012 i can really relate to what you've said Eagleheart. i try so hard with people and i think sometimes they see it as i dont want to talk about myself, im purely there to listen to them, which obviously isn't how it should be. i've been told that i try too hard, and i think i can agree with that. i think what Villan said about boundaries is a good point, sounds strange but maybe we should put a boundary of how nice we can be to people, to stop them taking advantage xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lonelyheartemma Posted April 26, 2012 Report Share Posted April 26, 2012 I feel a bit like this sometimes. Its really hard when you spend a lot of time trying to support someone and you dont get the same in return. But i kind of react differently because it makes me feel like i dont deserve to be liked and i must have said horrible things when supporting them so i decide i'm not a kind person. But its not always easy to measure how hard people try to support you. someone might have spent a lot of time trying to decide how best to deal with someone. people might get something totally wrong but they might still have tried really hard. My social worker makes me feel very alone but i do get the impression she does try hard. But i do agree 100% that there are times when the support isnt there. like when i tell my mum something and she says 'oh right' or 'i dont want to have this conversation' or nothing at all. Maybe thats the best she can do, maybe the only alternative is saying 'shut up, stop moaning, get over it, theres no such thing as mental health problems' which she has said in the past. Maybe shes thought hard and decided thats the best way of dealing with me. But whatever her reason for doing it is it hurts. If she wants to do something that seems stupid and pointless i will support her because its not stupid and pointless if its going to make her happy but if i do something she sees as stupid and pointless, i'm not going to get any support. it can be very lonely Eagleheart you didnt call Esme a bitch. But maybe she interpreted what you said as meaning you didnt like what she'd said but you were trying to say something postive about it? and she'd prefer it if you just said you didnt like it? I thought you meant it was challenging because it forced you to look at things in new ways and that can be really important in overcoming problems and refreshing because most people dont do that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jenny1471 Posted April 26, 2012 Report Share Posted April 26, 2012 Hi Eagleheart, I think you really need to take a step back right now. Calm down. Step away from the PC and do something distracting.. something nice for you instead of allowing yourself to get worked up here. From what I can see Esme is not upset, and I fear that any replies to this thread which answer your original question, including thoughtful caring responses etc. will be overlooked because you are fixated on the thought that you might have upset someone who has already responded saying they are not upset. Last night ubix called the GP so chances are the GP attended and they are now safe. The whole reason for this thread from what I can see was that you find it hard to not get drawn in to other people's issues. You try to help them.. so much so that maybe your whole existence and identity comes from the ability to help and please others. Don't allow the fear that you may or may not have upset one person make you spiral in to crisis yourself. You have done your best, you cannot always be there for everyone.. and people have their own issues, interpret things in different ways depending on their own emotional frame of mind, etc. Please, for your own sake take this opportunity to practice looking after yourself and try not to base your worth as a person on how others may or may not feel etc. Take good care of you Jenny Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lonelyheartemma Posted April 26, 2012 Report Share Posted April 26, 2012 (((((((Eagleheart)))))) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
walker Posted April 26, 2012 Report Share Posted April 26, 2012 unsure whether to lleave this up or not - but it we delete it - it is NOT to hurt you but more to hide ourselves take care xx ed. sorry Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miss Inbetween Posted April 26, 2012 Report Share Posted April 26, 2012 This is very unhealthy. We are only responsible for ourselves. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
toaster Posted April 26, 2012 Report Share Posted April 26, 2012 I have removed some of the posts on here because of the arguing. This topic will be being watched for now. Maybe some people need to take a step back. Eagleheart, I think villan has some great suggestions for you I hope you can get what you need from this topic Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miss Inbetween Posted April 27, 2012 Report Share Posted April 27, 2012 This is a problem since these types of sites started, Some people want to rescue others and this is a platform for that and others want to act out their inner torment not always being truthful, to illicit as much attention or sympathy they can. The people that want the attention I think need it and these places stop them getting it in real life it is like painting over a damp patch and not fixing the leak. Some people have marriages that last their life time based on the simple format of victim and rescuer. It isn't new to mankind it is just in a newish form online. Emotional blackmail can reach dizzy heights when you sorta know someone but sorta don't so you don't have any contact like a phone number. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eagleheart Posted April 27, 2012 Author Report Share Posted April 27, 2012 I apologise to everyone i upset and offended. I started this topic purely to see if anyone else has experienced having their kind nature taken advantage of. I thought it was particular to me and was greatly comforted to hear that others knew exactly what i was saying. In no way did i intend to make people feel "got at" or criticised and when i said that someone's view was challenging and refreshing,i meant that it made me see the issue in a way i had not considered before and that challenged me to look more openly at situations in the future. If anything,it was a compliment. I am sorry if it did not come across as such. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AppleCrumble Posted April 27, 2012 Report Share Posted April 27, 2012 Yeah, I think that it's a natural depressive thing sometimes... it's mentioned in Prozac nation at some point, can't remember the quote... but yeah, sucking the life out of others... (I know I feel like I do that myself sometimes :-/ ) I think it's part of being ill, I don't think it's the fault of the person, but I understand it can be very hard on the person listening. It's good to give back to others when you're feeling better yourself, but I think when you feel better you want away from it all, but when you're down yourself it can be hard to listen and support others... :-/ I think that's why Samaritans are good, as they are strong and supported enough to be able to do the listening. xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miss Inbetween Posted April 27, 2012 Report Share Posted April 27, 2012 I read Prozac Nation years ago it is a good book. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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