CrippleAndStarfish Posted April 27, 2012 Report Share Posted April 27, 2012 ohh yeah, i have known a fair few of 'em! Thankfully, none of them are in my life anymore now, and it's incredible how free i feel these days. It's hard work getting to that point though. I'm sure i have co-dependency issues, and i know i have trouble with setting and maintaining healthy boundaries. xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Green One Posted May 2, 2012 Report Share Posted May 2, 2012 Being a good listener is a curse, I have no friends becuse of it ..... :S Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eagleheart Posted May 3, 2012 Author Report Share Posted May 3, 2012 Hey Green One. Since putting up this topic,yet another so-called close friend has deserted me just when i needed her. I spent so many hours listening to her obsessing about various men,trying to gve advice and help. Different story when i contacted her while highly distressed & needing a friendly ear. She's totally blanked me. I won't forget that.xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CrippleAndStarfish Posted May 5, 2012 Report Share Posted May 5, 2012 Eagleheart - sorry that your friend has treat you like that. I guess with some people who behave like that, the only way to maintain a friendship with them that doesn't cripple you emotionally is to set a limit of sorts on what you will accept, what you won't accept, and what you could be swayed to accept in certain circumstances. I had one friend a couple years ago who was always contacting me to talk over/cry through/shout about her latest hurts, worries, dramas. From men to make up, there was drama, there were screaming fits as she had gotten herself so worked up about it that she just had to get it out.... and i was the one on the other end of the phone or couch, listening to it all. Trying to help her or hear her out, whatever she needed. I'm talking 7, 8 times a day maybe 4 days out of the week, and the other days would be maybe 3/4 times. As i'm sure you can imagine, it was bloody exhausting, and so very draining, listening to someone else's problems and trying to fix everything/advise them on how to fix everything. I had my own problems (as everyone does) to deal with, and a small child, plus at the time was in education too so had that work to complete also. I got to the point where I was stressing myself out and losing sleep over HER issues, things that had no bearing on me whatsoever. That was how enmeshed i'd become with her and her shit. anyway, one day i thought fuck it, and said to her that she's not to ring me, and she's not to just turn up at the door ( i was living between mum's and nana's at the time, and she used to go from one to the other to find me, and had even turned up at another of my friend's houses looking for me on one occasion!!!! and then started crying out their front, so i took her home with me and got her calmed down). I told her if there's a problem, if something's gone wrong, then she can text me or email me, and i'll reply as soon as i get a chance, or if she'd prefer, i'd ring her once i had everything sorted and the little one settled in bed asleep. She hit the roof completely. I'd changed, i was cutting her out, i didn't care about her anymore...... I got a lot of it, alot of her trying to guilt-trip me, and it almost worked!! But i stuck by it, and just explained again calmly that I have other things that i need to sort first, that i will help her if i can, i will listen to her, but there are other priorities that i need to attend to beforehand. I told her that the only time i would accept a call from her at stupid o'clock in the morning (she liked to ring at 3am in tears because she was "so confused and falling apart over it!!!" and want to analyse her date that night!! when i had to be up at 5am with my son) was if there was an emergency. The only time i would let her in if she came round without asking me first or at least giving me notice was if there was an emergency. We would arrange a time for us to get together, and it would be a time that suited both of us, not just her. I explained that being on the phone to her all the time at all hours was making me ill, and I wouldn't accept it any longer, and if she didn't stick to what i'd asked of her, then there would be an end to our friendship. She ignored me for 3 months, and then contacted me again through email, telling me all the dramas and heartaches that had occured since i told her that " didn't give a flying fuck about [her]" and that she should just top herself as she's fucking pathetic and i hate her !!! So i replied and said that i've had enough of dealing with her dramas and stresses, and that she knows fine well i'd said no such thing, that she clearly doesn't have any respect or care for me at all, do not contact me again. I've had sorries, i love yous, i miss yous, all of this, for months and months now, and i just can't be done with it. Being involved with her made me really ill, so i had to step away. It was so hard, and i still miss her, but there comes a point where we have to seriously re-evaluate what we are getting from certain relationships, and whether it is worth it or not. In my case, it wasn't. I got nothing from her save for a few giggles and a shitload of abuse, drama, blah blah blah. xxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
greenthing Posted May 5, 2012 Report Share Posted May 5, 2012 :grouphug[1]: snoozysusie, eagleheart, missinbetween and everyone here hi green one from greenthing - being a bad listener is also a curse, i have few friends because of it... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eagleheart Posted May 5, 2012 Author Report Share Posted May 5, 2012 Snoozysuzy, reading your post was like reading about a couple of situations i've had. Everyone tells me to stand up for myself and be assertive but when i actually do,i am made to feel like such a selfish,unkind bitch and i am consumed by guilt,so end up feeling totally shit anyway. With some people, i can't bloody win. xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hobgoblin Posted May 5, 2012 Report Share Posted May 5, 2012 Eagleheart I know exactly what you mean. I have experienced it myself but I've also seen what my OH goes through. When we first met he was going through a separation with his ex wife. He lost everything material in his life but he could deal with that. What he found hardest was people who he thought cared about him calling him for advice on their relationships, ignoring the fact that his own relationship had ended.....he really struggled with that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maddy harper Posted May 8, 2012 Report Share Posted May 8, 2012 i have the same issue where people wanna off load there problems on to me but i hardly get the favor returned... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
angel tears Posted May 9, 2012 Report Share Posted May 9, 2012 All of my life I have been there for people, I love to listen and help but I help people till it makes me poorly for months through exhaustion which I know ain't good. I think that boundaries are a great idea. I have always struggled to keep them and keep getting walked on as a result. I think that it's such a shame that the nice people get crapped on. Feels like being nice makes you vulnerable but I have had enough of being walked on. I also am quite needy, I want to work on this xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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