Hello..

[Sarah22]

Hi, I'm Sarah and I'm 43. I've really been struggling for a few months now. I feel very alone and depressed, and Ive been trying to look for a place where there may be people who understand what I'm feeling. I had a very bad childhood and I have no real self esteem. I have become a bit of a recluse over the last few years. I've never had any help or counselling, and I've never spoken to anyone about it; no-one knows about my past. Sorry to sound so gloomy, but I feel so sad all the time now .. I'm currently emailing with the Samaritans (for the last couple of days) because I felt so bad....I don't like feeling like this, but I don't know what to do

[Fanta]

Hello Sarah.

Welcome to the forums, You don't sound gloomy at all, sorry that you feel so depressed though. Most of us here do feel the way the same as you do, Can you see your Gp and tell him how low you feel? It will be a start.xxx

[crystalrose91]

Hello,

I'm new too. This place looks pretty cool, my life is kinda like yours really. Crappy childhood 'n all. Nice to meet u

[catsmother21]

Hi there Sarah and welcome :)

[maddy harper]

well you have come to the right place. There r lots of supportive people on here who will help u including me keep posting. Thats all i will say

[Christine001]

Hi sarah, welcome to the site, x

[Sarah22]

Hi everyone, thanks so much for the welcome messages.. I cant see a doctor, and I really hate having to explain it, but Im terrified of them! My father made me really frightened of them when I was little, and then through the years as I was getting older. He used to tell me I would be locked away in an asylum and told me horror stories of them.. Because I was so young when he first started telling me these things I believed him totally. It's always been a deep rooted fear in me thats got worse as Ive got older. I know it sounds really stupid, but its got quite bad. Dont know how Im going to get over it really. I was the worse that Ive ever been last night. I felt so down and depressed, and the feeling of hopelessness was very scary. Today my head is a lot clearer. I dont really understand whats happening to me, Ive never felt that bad before

[Woody1955]

Hi Sarah

Your father obviously terrified you so much that my heart goes out to you. No parent should ever do that to a child they're supposed to love.

Feeling depressed must be one of the most horrible ways to feel, and you have to ask yourself is feeling so depressed better than getting help? Do you fear that a doctor will have you sectioned? They won't, as the only way they can section you is if you are a danger to yourself and others, and you sound pretty much in control. If you're terrified of doctors do you actually have a GP? If you do, go to see them as they will help you and perhaps prescribe an anti-depressant such as Prozac or Seroxat, and perhaps a course of therapy for your phobia.

There is help and light at the end of the tunnel, but the first step is seeking it, and there's really nothing to be afraid of. You've made the first step of acknowledging that you're suffering from depression, if you can take the next and try to realise doctors will not send you to an 'asylum' you'll wonder why you never did it before. I hope you can find the courage to do this. NO HARM WILL COME TO YOU IF YOU DO - I can't stress that enough. Doctors are there to help, not 'put you away'. If your head's feeling clearer, perhaps now's the time to see someone.

Good Luck and keep us abreast of what happens. (((((((hugs)))))))

[Sarah22]

Hi Woody, thanks so much for your message, I was really feeling very down this morning... you made me feel a bit better.. I realise it must sound so stupid, but the fear of being locked away is so strong. I was taken, as a little girl, by my father to a mental hospital ( on many occasions) to see the patients walking around outside. He used to tell me horror stories of what the doctors used to do to them. It was a very frightening looking place and I was left traumatised by it all.. and especially at the thought of doctors. I know, rationally, that nothing will happen to me (I hope!) but I can't get rid of the fear.. It's the same as someone who is afraid of dogs or spiders... I haven't been to the doctors for many years and I don't think I'm still registered with one. Thank-you again for your message, I've been quite upset today, so it did make feel a bit more cheerful. I feel very alone with this at times. Please don't judge me too badly, it really is a deep-rooted fear I have..... Sarah

[Woody1955]

Hi Woody, thanks so much for your message, I was really feeling very down this morning... you made me feel a bit better.. I realise it must sound so stupid, but the fear of being locked away is so strong. I was taken, as a little girl, by my father to a mental hospital ( on many occasions) to see the patients walking around outside. He used to tell me horror stories of what the doctors used to do to them. It was a very frightening looking place and I was left traumatised by it all.. and especially at the thought of doctors. I know, rationally, that nothing will happen to me (I hope!) but I can't get rid of the fear.. It's the same as someone who is afraid of dogs or spiders... I haven't been to the doctors for many years and I don't think I'm still registered with one. Thank-you again for your message, I've been quite upset today, so it did make feel a bit more cheerful. I feel very alone with this at times. Please don't judge me too badly, it really is a deep-rooted fear I have..... Sarah

Hi Sarah

You aren't alone. You can read my post here: as my sister suffers from depression and a possible personality disorder. I have been depressed myself only moderately, but I can still understand and have sympathy for how it makes you feel. It's no good saying, as so many people do, 'Pull yourself together', as it's not that easy. If it was, no one would suffer with depression.

I'm glad you're feeling a bit better, and hope you can register yourself with a GP - seeing one will help, believe me. I'm certainly not judging you. In fact I can understand your feelings with regard to being 'put away' after the experiences your father inflicted on you but it just doesn't happen these days. The old mental hospitals have been shut down and care for people with mental health problems is done 'in the community' so to speak. There should be no fear, and certainly no shame in admitting to having a problem with your mental health. Your father was extremely cruel to inflict such a thing on you at such a young age. Is he still around? Perhaps you could talk to him and make him understand just how much his past actions have affected you today. If he isn't, see if you can try to put it behind you and tell yourself that it was cruelty, ignorance, fear and possible stupidity that made him behave the way he did. If you can conquer your fear, see a GP and get some medication and/or therapy, and it will be helpful.

[Sarah22]

Hi, thanks for your message. I've read your story, I'm so sorry about your sister and the effect it must have on you and your family. She sounds like she's going through a nightmare. She is very lucky to have a loving brother like you. Try not to be too hard on yourself, all you can do is be there for her when she needs you..... ......I know what you mean, they don't lock people away,but my fear is so intense.I get anxiety attacks over it. No-one knows. My parents are dead. My husband would be disgusted if he knew, he hates anything to do with depression. I could never tell him. That's why I'm alone. There's so much more to my childhood, my father inflicted as much pain as he could, he was a monster. I think it will take a long time before I can ever go to the doctors...it's such a deep-rooted thing with me. I hope you can somehow understand...

[maddy harper]

no one will judge u here,promis

[Sarah22]

Thanks Maddy, it's such an awkward problem. Just that alone makes me depressed! I always feel so stupid about it...

[Woody1955]

Sarah, I feel so sorry for you as you sound as if you have no support network at all.

Why would your husband be disgusted with you and can you be certain he would be if you told him? If he loves you, he'll want to help you surely? Do you have children? (So many questions - hope you don't think I'm prying) My sister has her problems, but they are her problems and only she can solve them. I'll always be there if she needs me though and I'd never turn my back on her. She's my only sibling, and my mum had her when I was 10. I wanted a brother or sister so much, so I'm sure you can understand how much she means to me.

Your dad may have been a monster, but he's still hurting you from beyond the grave. Tell yourself there's nothing he can do to harm you. Tell yourself every day, and perhaps little by little, you'll come to realise he hasn't a hold over you any more. If you get panic attacks, get a paper bag and breathe into it. Sounds daft, but it does work! Something to do with actually being able to see how you're breathing I think. There's also some good advice about panic attacks and how you can cope with them on the Mind website here:http://www.mind.org....s/panic_attacks Bach Rescue Remedy which you can get in pastilles, cream and drops from health food shops, chemists and supermarkets is good too, until you feel strong enough to go to a GP. You really don't need to suffer like this. Going to a doctor and getting a firm diagnosis could be a new beginning for you if you can face it.

[Eagleheart]

Hiya.Just been reading your posts. I'm so sorry that you are having such a tough time. I have had serious mental health probs for decades and i am terrified of being locked up too. Recently,after taking an overdose,i didn't tell my psych about it until weeks after,because i was certain she would have me sectioned if i told her the truth. I know a guy who has spent a lot of his life in psychiatric units and he tells such awful stories about what it's like in there. I made a decision a long time ago that no matter how bad things may get,i will never ever end up in a place like that. See? You're not so weird afterall,are you? xxx

[Sarah22]

Hi Woody, it's just the way he is. He hates people who cant get over their past and hates anything to do with depression, etc. He doesnt know about my past. I'd never tell him. I have a son of 23, and 2 daughters, 20 and 18. I married when I was only 19 to get away from home.....My father does haunt me, you're right there. He took away all my self-worth and confidence - it's so hard, if not impossible to get it back..Broken bones heal, but the mental scars stay forever. .. Thanks very much for the remedies and the MIND website.... I'll have a look tomorrow on there... I've heard of the paper bag thing!! Haven't tried it yet though, but if it works...... I really don't like the panic attacks, they are quite scary, I've only just started getting them over the last few months. The last time my heart was really thumping.. I know it sounds so simple to go to the drs, but it would be like walking into the lion's den for me....maybe one day. You sound like such a lovely big brother!! Thanks so much for the advice and support, I really appreciate it.. Sarah

[Sarah22]

Hi Eagleheart, I'm sort of glad to hear you feel the same way as me, but then again i wouldn't wish it on anyone..When I was 12 I took an overdose because I couldn't face living with my father any more....It obviously didn't work, and no-one ever knew, they thought that I was just very ill.... So even then I managed to escape the doctor... When you hear of stories about what goes on in some places it does tend to make you wary......Kind of glad you have the same fears as me, but at the same time not, because it's not nice... hope you're a bit better now xx

[Woody1955]

Hi Woody, it's just the way he is. He hates people who cant get over their past and hates anything to do with depression, etc. He doesnt know about my past. I'd never tell him. I have a son of 23, and 2 daughters, 20 and 18. I married when I was only 19 to get away from home.....My father does haunt me, you're right there. He took away all my self-worth and confidence - it's so hard, if not impossible to get it back..Broken bones heal, but the mental scars stay forever. .. Thanks very much for the remedies and the MIND website.... I'll have a look tomorrow on there... I've heard of the paper bag thing!! Haven't tried it yet though, but if it works...... I really don't like the panic attacks, they are quite scary, I've only just started getting them over the last few months. The last time my heart was really thumping.. I know it sounds so simple to go to the drs, but it would be like walking into the lion's den for me....maybe one day. You sound like such a lovely big brother!! Thanks so much for the advice and support, I really appreciate it.. Sarah

I'm a lovely big sister!

I know getting over your fears isn't something that will happen overnight, but the realisation you have to help yourself is a first step. The knowledge that nothing will happen is something you must tell yourself every day, and surely going to a doctor and getting help and medication is better than feeling as you do? Can you talk to your kids? You might be surprised, as they may be far more sympathetic than you'd imagine. Getting together as a family to talk things over might be a place to start. Your husband must surely be aware there's something amiss. Are there any mental health groups in your area? Finding one and talking to people in a similar position would possibly be a help to you. First and foremost you really need support from your family, and it's unbelievable to me that a husband wouldn't support his wife.

[Sarah22]

ooops! sorry, you're a lovely big sister then! The trouble is for me I've been like this since 7/8 years old with the whole doctor thing, but I've been people-shy ever since I can remember..I have real trouble being around people - when Im out I tend to mentally block them all out. Ive become a recluse almost. I don't want my kids to know about my past, I dont want them to know about their grandfather and what he did. We aren't really a family to sit around and talk like that really, although they are good kids. They dont get on with their dad! He wouldn't like it if he knew I was like this and he never likes it if Im ill. I just keep it all to myself.. It's been extremely hard lately for me to cope, but the samaritans have been good. by emailing me twice a day to give me support and ask questions. By email is about as good as it's going to get for now, but it's better than nothing. They say I have to take it all slowly..

[Woody1955]

ooops! sorry, you're a lovely big sister then! The trouble is for me I've been like this since 7/8 years old with the whole doctor thing, but I've been people-shy ever since I can remember..I have real trouble being around people - when Im out I tend to mentally block them all out. Ive become a recluse almost. I don't want my kids to know about my past, I dont want them to know about their grandfather and what he did. We aren't really a family to sit around and talk like that really, although they are good kids. They dont get on with their dad! He wouldn't like it if he knew I was like this and he never likes it if Im ill. I just keep it all to myself.. It's been extremely hard lately for me to cope, but the samaritans have been good. by emailing me twice a day to give me support and ask questions. By email is about as good as it's going to get for now, but it's better than nothing. They say I have to take it all slowly..

You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of, in fact the only one who should be ashamed (your father) isn't around to face the consequences of how much he's messed with your head. Why would your husband be so worried about depression? It's not catching! What would he do if you were ill and he had to fend for himself? A good way of letting off steam could be to write a letter to your late father as if he were still alive telling him how he's made you feel, and writing a letter or email to your immediate family could be a way of broaching the subject to them.

Can I tell you a little story about myself if you'll bear with me?

When I was 17, I became a dental nurse for the (then) School Dental Service in my county. It was a job I wanted to try as my cousin was one and loved the job. In those days children - and adults when I moved to an ordinary NHS practice - had their teeth extracted under general anaesthetic in the surgery. Nobody went to hospital for tooth extraction then! The only problem was that as a child, I was truly terrified of having my teeth out like that, as I'd had a nasty experience the first time I'd had it done, and after that I had to have tranquillisers before the operation. I was frightened of having to watch children have their teeth extracted, but I knew I had to face up to it as it was part of the job, and if I didn't, I might as well pack it all in. I really liked the job, so I had to face my fears and assist at GA (General Anaesthetic) sessions. After I'd done it a few times, I wondered what on earth I'd been so scared of.

Ask yourself this - what would you do if you had an accident or got sick and and were taken to hospital? You would have no choice but to go, as your life might be in danger. In such a situation what's the better choice? To risk death, or to be saved by a doctor?

Your signature says ''The best way to gain self-confidence is to do what you are afraid to do....''. Tell yourself that every day and perhaps in time you can learn to live by that adage. I've just noticed this: some very good points made.....and the most important one is that anyone can have a mental health problem.

You are not alone..... :grouphug[1]:

[Sarah22]

Hi,thanks so much for your message.. With my husband, I think it's a stigma thing, a "somethings wrong with you" attitude. He can be quite nasty like that. I had bronchitis quite bad(although undianosed)I was in a lot of pain with a terrible cough. My chest and back hurt, I had it for 3months and how I got over it I dont know. But he never helped me with anything. I'm a mug, I know, but I havent got the means to leave,no family,nothing. I find I cant write things down - it makes it all too real, too painful. It was brilliant that you could face up to your fears. Hopefully, maybe I will someday.. My fear is falling ill - It's something that i hope to never have to face... I deliberately chos my signature.... I look at it everyday..it is important to me.. I can't thankyou enough for your support..

[maddy harper]

u cant help feeling the way u do its just as bad as having a cold he needs to be more understanding. If the boot was on the other foot he would expect u to be supportive. xoxoxo from your little sister.

[Sarah22]

Hi Maddy, it's really nice to hear from you as I'm feeling really down today. Some days are worse than others, which is normal I suppose. If my husband is ever ill he expects sympathy from the whole world!! There is quite a quite a rift between us if Im honest. I dont really like people near me.. my life seems so complicated with things that have happened in the past and Ive no idea how to go about sorting it out.. sorry, I feel bad today, it gets on top of me sometimes

[Woody1955]

Hi,thanks so much for your message.. With my husband, I think it's a stigma thing, a "somethings wrong with you" attitude. He can be quite nasty like that. I had bronchitis quite bad(although undianosed)I was in a lot of pain with a terrible cough. My chest and back hurt, I had it for 3months and how I got over it I dont know. But he never helped me with anything. I'm a mug, I know, but I havent got the means to leave,no family,nothing. I find I cant write things down - it makes it all too real, too painful. It was brilliant that you could face up to your fears. Hopefully, maybe I will someday.. My fear is falling ill - It's something that i hope to never have to face... I deliberately chos my signature.... I look at it everyday..it is important to me.. I can't thankyou enough for your support..

Sorry to say this Sarah, but the bit in bold is abusive behaviour from your husband. He sounds as if he has some problems of his own that he won't face up to. You aren't a mug, you just have a family who appears to have taken advantage of you for a long time. If you can afford to and have the courage to go, perhaps a couple of days away from them in a B&B would help and make your family see that they have to manage on their own sometimes. If you never do anything at all, make them see that they must help around the home and if they won't.......well I wouldn't dictate to you what you should do, but I do know that if I was in your shoes, I'd summon up the courage to clear off and leave them to it! If you always say 'I CAN'T', you will be in the same old rut for the rest of your life. Do you really want that? You sound like an intelligent lady who deserves better.

Have you always been quiet? Were you like that when you got married? Has your husband noticed that you're becoming reclusive recently? If he hasn't it sounds as if he's so wrapped up in himself, he's neglecting your needs and wants. Put yourself first - YOU MATTER, AND YOU CAN..

[Sarah22]

Hi, youre pretty much right, although when my daughter was home she was very good when i was ill.. I tend to be like my mother. She always carried on as if nothing was wrong, but she was being beaten , just like I was. She just muddled through. She was very quiet - I suppose the apple doesn't fall far from the tree....I couldn't afford to go away, but I know what you mean. I've got very low self-esteem because of how my father treated me - he always called me "It" and it made me feel totally worthless. It took away all my self-worth... I've always been very quiet and withdrawn.. When i married I was just recovering from anorexia. I was 19