Recent Insights

[Data]

I'd like to share some things about me, which I have only discovered in the last week.

1) Its not surprising that I am struggling with life at the moment

• I went to a talk by an autism expert and he said that a research study found 72% of parents of an autistic spectrum child suffered from levels of anxiety that were so high that they warranted treatment for a mental health problem.
  
• My wife is not happy at the moment, she is forgetting to turn the gas oven off approximately once a week, so I am (occasionally) acting as her carer.
  
• My counsellor said that everyone she has ever known who did a PhD thought they were going insane when they reached the point in their degree that I am now.
  
• Add on top of all this my attachment issues from childhood.
  

Its a recipe for extreme stress. I am doing well just to manage at all!

2) My mother's approach to dealing with my son is completely wrong

• My mother tends to shout at my son when she finds he has misbehaved at school.
  
• She has certain 'bees in her bonnet'. For example, she told him he would die if he didn't eat his breakfast.
  
• My mother's shouting is likely to just increase his stress levels and leave him diving for coping mechanisms. In the long run, it won't change his behaviour.
  

I need to withhold information from my mum about my son. Even if it helps me to unload to her verbally, that's not a reason to confide in her.

3) My mother-in-law is one of the few people on this planet who shows me unconditional love

• My mother-in-law dotes on me, sometimes she embarrasses me because she is always giving me compliments, she thinks I am some sort of a genius.
  
• She is an incredibly naive person, it is cringeworthy sometimes.
  
• I wish she would show the same love to her own daughter, rather than sending her subconscious messages that she is inferior.
  

I need to accept my mother-in-law for what she is, and appreciate the verbal encouragement that she gives me; although she is naive, she is sincere and without any hidden agendas.

4) The unpleasant memories I have from the past are all to do with guilt

• I often have 'flashbacks' to little events from the past (its nothing abuse related).
  
• For example,the time in the mid 1990s that I found Sheffield University was investigating me. They belived I was responsible for a poison pen/harassment campaign. I was cleared of the allegations but I keep replaying the incident in my head.
  
• Some events which are more unpleasant, such as the time I was threatened with a gun when I was a child (another kid had an air rifle), don't stick in my mind as much at all.
  

The key is GUILT. I feel guilty because I upset people at the University. If I had not made an arse of myself, I'd not have been a suspect in the first place. In the gun related event, I was not to blame at all. Events which I feel guilty about, even if they were not ultimately my fault, stick in my head. I just can't deal with shame.

Anyway, now its time to cut my grass because its a jungle. There's lots of stuff here to discuss with my counsellor, though!

[Dibley]

It seems like you could really do with some time out, you have such a demanding family. A week away would do you all good, give you all time to reflect. I know it's easier said than done, and everything else will be waiting for you when you get home, but I can so see why you are so anxious.

[Data]

It seems like you could really do with some time out, you have such a demanding family. A week away would do you all good, give you all time to reflect. I know it's easier said than done, and everything else will be waiting for you when you get home, but I can so see why you are so anxious.

Thanks.

The only problem with a week away is... I just don't have the time. My family and in-laws have a week on the Welsh coast scheduled for early June, and I am going with them, but my plan is to spend most of the week working on my laptop in the cottage. So a bit of a non-holiday for me! The plan is to relax on an evening, when I can enjoy beach walks and time with the family.

[Dibley]

I so hope it is a relaxing holiday for you, or that at least some of it it.

[imdebbiem]

Well done Data for writing down everything which could be triggering you. I hope you can show your counsellor this and together come up with suggestions on how to manage some of the things which are in your control. xx

[Fanta]

Certainly sounds stressing for you Data, Well done for writing this down here.xxxx

[fedup!]

I agree Data - rather than hiding away from these issues or having them mixed up in your head, you have chosen to methodically sort them and put them in writing. I hope you feel a little better! xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[morethanme]

its great to read u r sorting things down on paper

makes things so much clearer

hope u and councellor can come up with some solutions to the above.

u r working so hard at finding solutions

well done

jay

[Data]

Thanks people. I am going to test out the relationship with my mum today, and try and keep some boundaries there, so that she is not given information which she can use to upset our son. With regards the stuff from the past.. my counsellor tells me to live in the present/now. Its not always easy though.

[fedup!]

All the best data - you are only human, remember that!! I think you are showing real, positive strength at the mo xxxxxxxxxxxxx