Feeling Suicidal Is Nothing To Be Ashamed Of

[manja.]

Hi guys

Just another blog post I wanted to share with you...

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Feeling suicidal is nothing to be ashamed of:

A straightforward statement, yet not so straightforward in reality. People do feel ashamed to admit this.

Yet it really is nothing to be ashamed of.

• I didn’t feel ashamed to admit when I had problems with my cartilage and had to have an operation on my knee.
  
• I didn’t feel ashamed to admit when I was in hospital due to a bad chest infection.
  
• I didn’t feel ashamed to tell people when I had the flu.
  

These were all caused by illnesses and I wasn’t ashamed. Yes, somehow, no matter how hard I try, and no matter how much I know there is nothing to ashamed of, I still feel even a little bit ashamed to say when my illness caused me to feel suicidal.

I felt / feel embarrassed, like I’ve done something wrong.

Yet it was an illness making me feel this way. I was deeply suicidal for several months. I had no control over these thoughts. I didn’t want to feel that way. Yet I felt ashamed to tell others.

I know that there was / is nothing to be ashamed of, yet I still feel that little bit ashamed and embarrassed.

Why? I really don’t know. Probably because society tells us that it’s wrong to feel that way. Probably because it’s such a taboo subject that no one will speak of, and it feels odd or wrong to say it.

But to anyone who feels suicidal:

It is nothing to be ashamed of. Feeling ashamed is making you less likely to speak out and tell someone, but speaking out is very important to do.

Insist on speaking out. You are worth it!

Those thoughts probably make suicide feel like the most natural thing in the world, like it is what is the next logical step, like it will make everything better.

It isn’t, it isn’t and it won’t.

I bet that if you had the choice between a happy life and being dead you would choose the happy life. You more than likely don’t want to die. You want an end to your pain. That is a very different thing.

A blog comment in ‘

My Very First Beautyfrompainblog post‘ puts it very well, in my opinion:

The will to live is stronger than the will to die. But sometimes for me the desire to escape the pain was enough to make me think (wrongly) that it was the other way round.

You might feel that you so badly want to die. You might be convince that it’s the best thing to do. It’s not. Cling on. Talk, talk, talk. Tell someone how you are feeling. Give them an opportunity to help. You might just (like me) live to be very glad that you did.

I was scared to tell anyone quite how suicidal I was in case they would lock me up.

It was December 2010 and I was very suicidal. I was doing lots of research on suicide methods. I was writing my suicide note. And so on… My CPN asked me if I was suicidal. I was too scared to tell her that ‘yes, I was’. She got it out of me eventually. But I was sure she was going to arrange for me to be taken away to hospital if I told her. If they were to put in hospital everyone who is actively suicidal there would be no room left in the hospitals. Yes, in some cases, hospital admission may be considered the best thing, but generally not.

Tell someone. Anyone. Ideally someone who can help. If you can’t find the words to say it out loud, write them down and give them to someone.

Speak to a

crisis helpline.

While you might not be able to see it now, remember that it is your illness making you feel this way. Don’t let your illness kill you. You won’t always feel this way, so fight it. You will be so glad that you did.

I hated myself for being suicidal - I hated myself for the thought of what I was considering putting other people through.

If you’re like me you might feel guilty for thinking this way, for the things that you are considering.

Don’t!

Easier said than done, I know.

Feeling suicidal is not about hurting other people. It’s about wanting to stop your own hurting.

You don’t want to kill yourself in order to cause pain to others – you want to end your own pain.

And if you’re a friend or family member of someone who is / has been suicidal, please, please try to remember that it is not about you. The suicidal person does not want to hurt you. The thought of the pain they would cause you by acting out on these thoughts is probably tearing them apart. They are not being selfish. They are in a huge amount of emotional pain and they would do anything for that to end.

Please don’t hate them for feeling that way. They don’t want to hurt you. They just want to stop feeling this way.

[Dibley]

I agree, it's absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. It's society that wants us to feel ashamed, because some people find it hard to deal with. I'm not ashamed that I think about suicide on a regular basis.

[manja.]

A follow up blog post, just in case it's of interest to anyone:

Following my last blog post, ‘Feeling suicidal is nothing to be ashamed of‘, I decided to continue with another post, on the happy topic of suicide.

Yes, I am being sarcastic when I say the ‘happy’ topic, but you know what:

I’m still alive, and I ain’t going anywhere, and right now that’s all that matters!

But it did get me thinking about how scary it is to how close I came to something so absolutely awful happening.

I wanted to die more than anything. Yes, in my last blog post I said that usually a suicidal person more than anything wants their pain to end, rather than specifically wanting to die. But I really felt like I wanted to die more than anything.

I was really genuinely convinced that I had to die. I was convinced that I was going to die. I had it all planned so many times. I tried it a few times, even if they were half-hearted attempts. I wrote the notes, everything…

It’s scary how close I came, how much I could have missed out on.

I’m saying that just six months after the time that I identify as ‘when I started to get better’. I’m saying that at a time when the suicidal stuff still goes round my head at times.

So imagine a few years down the line, how much I will have experienced then – how scary it will be thinking of how much I would have missed out on.

I’m not going to say things like ‘I would have missed my sister’s beautiful new baby that is due this month’, ‘I would not have set up my depression group’, I would not have done this blog’.

Those are all things that relate to other people, and:

Suicide is not about other people

and the things that I would have missed out on should not be stuff to do with other people; it should not be missing out on enjoying other people’s experiences or on missing out on things that benefit other people.

Every time I feel happy, that is something that I would have missed out on.

Every single time when something good happens, that is something that I would have missed.

And you know what, f*ck you mental illness, I know that I will feel suicidal again, but I am never going to give in to those thoughts.

No matter how strong they get, no matter how strong those urges are, no matter how much I become convinced that it is the right thing to do, I am not going to give in to it.

Are you suicidal?

Are you suicidal? I’m going to do my usual ‘please tell someone’ lines, but I mean every word of it, and please think about this:

I’m writing this post just six months after my last overdose, just over a year since my last stay in psychiatric hospital. And if I can get to this point, you can too!

If you think you are ever going to wake up cured… sorry, but you probably won’t. But you can manage this, and you can live a good and happy life.

Have faith.

Get help.

Speak out.

People cannot help you if they don’t know how much you are struggling.

• If you are in the UK, please call the Samaritans.
  
• If you are outside of the UK, select your country here, and check the details of your crisis support hotline.
  
• Speak to your GP.
  
• Tell people in your life – family, friends, whoever you trust, open up, don’t do this alone.
  

If I got through this, I know that you can do too.

[Jess1090]

I am finding this hard to write but I do find any illness shameful not for other people but for me. If I have a cold I think my immune system is not working properly or I don't eat right. Any illness I find as shameful as mental illness it is like I have to be perfect and any illness or spot is an imperfection. I always feel ashamed.

[greenthing]

i was very very ashamed of my suicidal thoughts for 35 years. then i tried to kill myself for real. when i discovered i was not dead i started making preparations for another go. it was at this point i realised that maybe something was wrong and went to talk to the doctor...

i am not ashamed any more. it is a symptom of my illness.

((((((hugs)))))) if you need them

[fedup!]

Yes, it's conflicting reading this...when I'm doing OK i completely agree - my sui thoughts are nothing to be ashamed of. I understand fully, like greenthing says above, that the thoughts were yet another horrible symptom of my horrible illness called depression.

Yet when I am having these thoughts, when I'm on the floor feeling horrible....I feel very ashamed and worthless.

Depression is a terrible thing - but talking about it, like we do here, really helps xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[manja.]

Yes, it's conflicting reading this...when I'm doing OK i completely agree - my sui thoughts are nothing to be ashamed of. I understand fully, like greenthing says above, that the thoughts were yet another horrible symptom of my horrible illness called depression.

Yet when I am having these thoughts, when I'm on the floor feeling horrible....I feel very ashamed and worthless.

Depression is a terrible thing - but talking about it, like we do here, really helps xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

I feel the exact same xxx