Christine001 Posted May 24, 2012 Report Share Posted May 24, 2012 Well thats what I am chronically hopeless. by its very definition it means there is no way out that I can be. I know people get sick of people being negative, we must try, we must work on change and recovery but if you are chronically hopeless this is actually not possible. The phrase dont give up hope is well is meaningless to me. I dont want anyone to feel they cant recover or change I just know I won't. just something I wanted to say and acknowledge about myself. Its not something I am looking for sympathy with or support it just is though blessyou lovely folk for trying. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
greenthing Posted May 24, 2012 Report Share Posted May 24, 2012 I'm sorry you are in a tough place. I would very very much like things to get better for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BimoUK Posted May 24, 2012 Report Share Posted May 24, 2012 I understand this feeling of being chronically hopeless Christine, it's how I feel 99% of the time......... But then there's that little 1%.........that every once in a while when the tiniest glimmer of hope flickers.......... From the tiniest spark a raging inferno can spring......... I hope things start to look at least a tiny bit brighter for you soon. x x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Christine001 Posted May 24, 2012 Author Report Share Posted May 24, 2012 thanks guys for trying but I need to be understood ( no offence meant) and I know it makes it very difficult to reply. BUT there is no hope not a spark, nothing and the bad place has been here for a good 20 years now. I survive for my children nothing else. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
walker Posted May 24, 2012 Report Share Posted May 24, 2012 also understand that feeling and was in that place for a long time its like whichever way you turn the wall is still there can we just ask - if you were to be able to drive again - do you think that could change things? there are ways out of this even if you cant see them right now sending love xxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Christine001 Posted May 24, 2012 Author Report Share Posted May 24, 2012 rang dvla today another 6 weeks before case gets looked at ha. there are many things I do to drop out of lifeand ensure I have no social or support network except here as can you imagine being around someone who is completely hopeless all of the time. the T finsihes soon and that was last hope. I have had my T time, time to movw on to next patient and nothing has changed for me, it was my last try. So thats it. I know this makes me feel worse but I just cant stand just bearable any longer. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
carlylight1 Posted May 24, 2012 Report Share Posted May 24, 2012 (((christine))) sometimes i can believe that where there is breath there is always hope but other times that feels like lies. i guess when i've been most despairing i've been shocked when things have got even slightly better. the hardest thing can be re-imagining how things can be different especially when you're worn out by constant disappointment at things not working out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Christine001 Posted May 24, 2012 Author Report Share Posted May 24, 2012 things can't be different if I won't let them be. and I am so tired I am 48 and have never felt ok, yes moments,seriously guys I know we can misperceive this when low but it is true. god I want to die but children fucking children need me. shit sorry best go or will upset myself too much.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jenny1471 Posted May 24, 2012 Report Share Posted May 24, 2012 Hi Christine, I haven't been around much recently but I've often thought of you.. know this may be hard to believe but it's true. I'm sad to hear that you're struggling and finding life totally hopeless but I am glad that you haven't cut this forum out of your life. It sounds like the support here means a lot as you don't feel able to reach out to 'real' people (ha you know what i mean!) out of fear that they'll get sick of you. I just want to reassure you that I'm not sick of you.. and i'm 'real'.. of course I'm an internet person but I am also a real person. And I care. I really hear your desperation, your hopelesness. I'm sorry if I don't understand but I would really like to.. would it help to say more about what's happening for you? It may help you to get it out and it may help us to understand. But of course only say as much or as little as you feel comfortable with. Sorry that your sessions with the therapist are coming to an end. How are you feeling about that? If you don't mind me saying it sounds like it could be bringing up some feelings of abandonment for you? I only say that because of what you said about him moving on to another patient. I guess you've known that the sessions are limited but in my opinion that doesn't make the ending any easier.. it still feels like a kick in the teeth especially when you're still struggling so much and feeling so hopeless. I wish that the limited sessions weren't so strict and that they could extend the sessions if needed but I guess it's their funding issues and their need to stick to boundaries etc. (argh). How many more sessions will you have? I hope that you can have a 'good' ending at least.. i don't know about you but i personally hate endings.. but imagine that although they are painful, a good one could be less painful (not sure if that makes sense). Sorry if this reply hasn't heard you or hasn't helped, but my intentions are good. I wish there was something i could say or do that would help ease the hopelesness and pain. But i'm here and i do care about you. Thinking of you Jenny x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eagleheart Posted May 24, 2012 Report Share Posted May 24, 2012 This is very close to the bone for me. Hopelessness.It controls me too. But you are very selfless Christine. I admire you so much. x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
morethanme Posted May 24, 2012 Report Share Posted May 24, 2012 sorry you feeling so bad. thinking of you xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pickle59 Posted May 24, 2012 Report Share Posted May 24, 2012 Hi Christine.x I remember seeing something that you posted. I hope you don't mind if I share it again here. In those terribly dark days like today for you sometimes its good to be reminded maybe what has been felt and expressed on better days, maybe just as a reminder that it isn't always bad even if we think it is.x (((Christine001))) I have learnt or had reaffirmed I am compassionate and understanding i belong somewhere i don't manage my frustration well but getting better I can express anger without everyone hating me I can be a good friend oh could go on but stop there atm that I am not alone - big one for me too x xxxxx this was lovely what you posted.x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Christine001 Posted May 24, 2012 Author Report Share Posted May 24, 2012 i cant remember writing this oH I remember trying to support the forum from negativity and to support others, was lying but nice of you to remember x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
greenthing Posted May 24, 2012 Report Share Posted May 24, 2012 you are not alone... (((((((hugs))))))) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Christine001 Posted May 24, 2012 Author Report Share Posted May 24, 2012 jenny yes abandonment ++++++++++++++ so much I cant cope even if he says its important to greive and end things well with ......and I cant even say it sorry. I wont cope simplt terrified.nono would rather die.sorry so so hard for me. going off line too much for me talking here too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sundries Posted May 24, 2012 Report Share Posted May 24, 2012 my therapist is doing the same. I feel the same - last hope. oh well f*ck it Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Christine001 Posted May 24, 2012 Author Report Share Posted May 24, 2012 yes fuck it I have emailed him saying I am not coming back, best to manage on own. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Christine001 Posted May 25, 2012 Author Report Share Posted May 25, 2012 and its easy to fool doctors too. the stash of pills I have from noone checking is enormous ha Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Christine001 Posted May 26, 2012 Author Report Share Posted May 26, 2012 have self harmed today do it every 2 days now. think well its my body. have plans for next week too, last chance salon. thought I would keep posting here as title is right and then only those who can be bothered will read. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pickle59 Posted May 26, 2012 Report Share Posted May 26, 2012 (((Christine))). thinkings and bothered.x I hope you will have a better day today and haven't SHarmed yourself too badly & maybe have a rethink about next week? I have enough hope about me today to send you lots of it, there is never too much to spare. Thinkings again. Pickle.x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Christine001 Posted May 26, 2012 Author Report Share Posted May 26, 2012 slept until now must stop messing with my tablets son not happy with me Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jenny1471 Posted May 26, 2012 Report Share Posted May 26, 2012 I'm so sorry you're feeling so abandoned.. I can certainly understand and relate to that. Also thinking it was your last chance.. are they offering any other form of support once your therapy has finished? I'm sorry that you're self harming, stashing pills and have plans.. I'm really hoping you'll be able to reach out to someone. You're really not alone.. I'm thinking of you and I can be bothered. A lot xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Christine001 Posted May 26, 2012 Author Report Share Posted May 26, 2012 I have 10 wks of T then nothing, havent talked about it just reacted, I wont survive afterwards, barely surviving during. I am struggling but as I took od last night at least I am totally drowsy. oding and cutting when children here is escalation, want to break a limb too. yes this is about T but doesnt stop me wanting to hurt myself and self destruct. so tired. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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