Improving Self-Worth

[BimoUK]

Recently someone suggested to me that it might be an idea for me to spend some time on myself, to try and find a sense of self-worth, rather than trying to fill my life with people who may or may not be good for me, just for the sake of not feeling lonely, the logic being that if I have a little more self-worth I'd be less inclined to let people who are no good for me get close and, therefore, protect myself from getting hurt again, as I have been recently.

My question is this:

How on Earth do I improve my self-worth? I literally hate myself, see myself as the foulest thing ever to walk the planet.

How can I change that?

Thoughts?

[Pickle59]

(((Bimo))) One thought to start with maybe is there must be something, just one thing if not more that you do like about yourself. (Everyone has at least one aspect of themselves that they like if they are honest)

Then maybe pick just one thing that you would like to improve.

Don't feel like you are not good enough because you haven't been treated the way that you should be. Overcoming that is a strength in itself and something to admire.

As your self confidence builds, one thing and one step at a time you will feel better about yourself, and your self esteem will grow from the inside out.

Look at yourself in the mirror every day. Try to find something to admire about yourself in your looks, accomplishments and achievements.

The most important thing of all is that you have to believe in yourself. If you believe you can, then you will be able to.

Do things for your own sake. Remember, you must help yourself first before you can help others.

Choose your own path.

The opposite feeling of self-esteem is anxiety. Feeling anxious is not a good nor a bad feeling. It's just a mechanism of yourself telling you that there's something wrong and you need to act upon it. Anxiety is the fuel to responding to what is wrong and thus developing self esteem.

Hope some of this helps.x (P.S I wish I'd thought of all this myself, though I agree with all of it. Not so easy to do, but worth trying). I looked this up for you.x

[BimoUK]

Thank you for going to that effort Pickle, that was really sweet of you.

The trouble is, I really can't think of anything I like about myself............there's literally nothing.

I hate the way I look.

I've achieved nothing of worth in my life.

I hate the way I act.

I just hate everything about myself.

I know that sounds really defeatist, but it's true, I just can't find a single thing that's worth anything.

[sheeba88]

I think you need to make a conscious effort to refrain from saying anything negative about yourself anymore. The more you keep saying you're shit, the more you will believe it. So from now on, stop doing it.

If you keep walking along a field in exactly the same place, eventually you will form a path that is visible and easily accessible. This is why it is so easy for you to come up with insults for yourself and negativity. If you do your damned hardest to stop walking down that path, and let the grass slowly and gradually grow back, eventually it will become harder and harder to find the same place to walk down again. BUT - it takes a long time and a LOT of hard work to stop yourself from going back down there again in the beginning.

You basically need to re-train your brain into thinking more positively about your life and your self.

Have you considered going back to your GP and asking about CBT again? I know you said before that you had turned this down in the past, but it will really help with this I think.

Make yourself a positive phrase book to read when you are down. That is what I have done, I could help you with it if you like.

[BimoUK]

Make yourself a positive phrase book to read when you are down. That is what I have done, I could help you with it if you like.

I would really like that, if you don't mind?

[sheeba88]

Yeah sure, I'd be happy to do that. How do you want me to help you? Over here/PMs? What is easiest for you?

Did you sign up to that goal-setting website I told you about?

[BimoUK]

Maybe we could talk about it here, so that others can benefit if they're feeling the same way I do.

I haven't signed up to that website.....no.

I have looked......but I felt a bit overwhelmed........so I ran away a bit.

[sheeba88]

First things first then you need a book, it can be whatever size you want it to be, however I would recommend a smaller book - that way you can carry it around with you. My book is small enough to fit into my handbag. Do you have one already that you can use or are you going to have to get one?

If you go to wilkinsons you can get a small notepad really cheap.

Also - what were you overwhelmed by? What was it about it that you didn't like or were frightened of?

[BimoUK]

I've got hundreds of notepads lying around the place, I have a stationary obsession. LOL

As for the website, it just felt daunting to try and think of goals to set for myself, like I would be setting myself up for a fall.

[sheeba88]

Oke doke, well all I did was decorate it how I wanted it, I stuck a load of colourful stickers on the front of mine. But you can do drawings or colour it in whatever colour you like etc. So yeah personalise it, in whatever way you want.

Throughout the book I made sure to use colourful pens - to make the different phrases and quotes stand out. If there are any colours that trigger you - do not use them in this book.

On the first page - I firstly wanted to gage what it was that I wanted. So I put "What do I want? What will make me happy?" at the very top in big letters, colouring around it to make it stand out. Then undearneath I answered that. What do you want? What will make you happy?

My answers were: - To be ok with and by myself - To be able to depend on myself and love myself unconditionally - To love and be loved in return - A job that gives me enough money to get by - Helping others - Cuddles - People/friends - Elephants/animals

What are yours?

As for the website - sign up and take it one step at a time, your first goal could be for tomorrow - to get through the morning/the afternoon/all day (whichever you wish to start with) refraining from talking badly about yourself AT ALL. Nothing like the present to get going.

My username is kelbo on there - if you want ideas on goals or to subscribe to me - or tell me your username and then I can cheer you on with your goals.

[BimoUK]

I can't see how to add you..... =/

I seem to have the rather catchy username of "user20693".

I think I'm going to have to spend some time getting my book ready, but somehow going to have to get myself in a better mindset to do it.

This is going to be hard isn't it? :(

[Villan]

i was so pleased to see this yesterday - i tried to answer it then, but i had been at a committee meeting and my head was fried so I left it until this morning...

i was going to add some of the stuff that helped me, and say that i was proud of you for fighting this and making positive intentions, but then i read your status update this morning...

what happened ? do you want to talk about it ?

[BimoUK]

I'm at work at the minute Villan, i'll PM you about it when i've got 5 if that's okay?

[Villan]

sure thing - just switched it back on - i turned it off the other week cos i wanted to hide lol !!!

[sheeba88]

No it's not going to be hard nto create a positive phrase book - it does take time to do one to collect phrases etc but overall it is meant to be an enjoyable experience. Therapeutic. Do you like drawing, colouring or decorating things? If you don't, then just write your name on the front and come back to the decoration later when you feel a bit better/more creative?

Start writing things that you find positive, or make you smile. Make it your goal to listen out for anything anywhere, in films/books/at work/on the bus/anywhere for positive phrases or quotes that people might say that make you smile and feel better, or think about something happy.

I'll give you a few examples of mine:

1) You are not a simple product of your experiences, you are a product of what you make of - and do - with those experiences.

2) Bad things happen to good people too!

3) Mirror Mirror on the wall, who is now TODAY the most injurious to me of them all?

4) Every moment that passes is a chance to turn things around

5) Even the prettiest of flowers had to grow through dirt.

6) Grant me serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to tell the difference.

7) Don't fight against thoughts - it is what it is - now it is your turn to do what you want, with it - or in spite of it.

8) What attention you give to bitterness/anger/hurt/resentment takes away the attention you could be giving to happiness/love/warmth/gratitude.

9) The past is dead and cannot harm you, the future is promised to no-one...today is the only day we have, let us use it well!

10) Success is the ability to go from failure to failure without losing your enthusiasm.

11) Less think - more do!

12) Even when the sky is heavily overcast, the sun hasn't disappeared. It's still there on the other side of the clouds.

13) Forgiveness is not something we do for other people. We do it for ourselves - to get well and move on.

14) Most of the shadows of this life are caused by standing in our own sunshine.

15) Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened.

16) Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forwards.

17) Ask yourself this question: Will this matter a year from now?

18) We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them.

19) Why should I kill myself when it's everyone else who are the arseholes?

20) I'm not going to piss on my parade because one day I might want to sit or walk down there.

21) Figure out what you want and learn how to ask for it.

Hope you find those useful.

Also keep sticking with the no negativity about yourself rule. It does get easier.

[BimoUK]

Thank you. x

[jimindigo]

Greetings Bimo,

I've been where you are,but thanks to my indomitable courage

and persistence and a great deal of re-education on self-esteem,I no longer

live in fear+self-condemnation.Sooo,my friend,trust me on the following:

Get this terrific book on self-esteem,"The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem,"by

Nathaniel Branden,the guy is a genius! This will be the best investment you

ever made for yourself,you'll get it on the web no problem.Meanwhile,here's

my favourite quote:"In order to love one's self,one must behave in ways one

can admire." So the first thing you can admire is,you made the effort to get

that book! Let me know how you get on.

Deepest Respect+Courage,

jimindigo :)

[BimoUK]

sure thing - just switched it back on - i turned it off the other week cos i wanted to hide lol !!!

I'm confused as to why you said this and have now put me on ignore.

[Villan]

sure thing - just switched it back on - i turned it off the other week cos i wanted to hide lol !!!

I'm confused as to why you said this and have now put me on ignore.

i dont have anyone on ignore - i got a PM from you yesterday, but when i finally got home from work and could reply, you had deleted it already so i couldnt....

[BimoUK]

sure thing - just switched it back on - i turned it off the other week cos i wanted to hide lol !!!

I'm confused as to why you said this and have now put me on ignore.

i dont have anyone on ignore - i got a PM from you yesterday, but when i finally got home from work and could reply, you had deleted it already so i couldnt....

Sorry.........my head was bad. I panicked and deleted it.

I'm sorry. I'm not doing very well at all and all I seem to be doing is causing upset.

[Villan]

it's ok, just try go easy on yourself...

how are you doing today ?

[BimoUK]

Not good.

Feeling like a royal arse again.

Don't feel like I should keep posting here.

Don't feel like people will be receptive to me anymore.

Don't feel like I deserve it.

[Villan]

good use of "i feel" statements there looks like you have started work on the improving self worth thing already...

we are NOT our thoughts and we are NOT our feelings... all they are are thoughts and feelings, they are not always truths, sometimes what we PERCEIVE to be happening isn't what IS happening at all...

[BimoUK]

To be honest, that was inadvertent use of the word feel.

I've not made any worthwhile progress with it at all.

[sheeba88]